Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

It is all becoming far too much.

(34 Posts)
sherbetlemonD Sun 03-May-15 23:09:31

I don't even know where to begin. My life is falling apart. I'm not sure why i'm even going to post this. I don't need sympathy, I don't need people to understand or believe me. I guess I just need to get everything down in the hope I will feel better. I don't want to "out" myself so to speak (I have name changed not that I post much on here that will give much away)- so if there is anything on here that does "out" me please, please- I ask you to keep it to yourself.

I'm in my 20s and still live with my emotionally and physically abusive mother. My father is also here but in my book he is a spineless shrew. It may seem harsh- but please let me continue before you decide to judge.

I'm the youngest of 2. My mother has openly told me i'm a mistake and recently has even thrown into the mix that she wishes she had an abortion. She is continuously emotionally abusive, physically attacks me when she is drunk and tries to control every aspect of my life including what I eat, drink, when I leave for work (I do tend to stay out as late as I possibly can because quite often i'm terrified of coming home..).

People don't understand how difficult it is for me because she is so perfectly nice in public in front of friends/family and buys me expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmas and let's me drive "her" car (which she NEVER lets me forget- I gave her as much money as I could towards said car last year when I had some money from my GPs). I'd swap all that in a heartbeat if I could just have one day when i'm not attacked in some form.

She never admits she's wrong and she won't do anything/say anything that will make her look like a bad parent- which sometimes, leaves me looking like a liar and people will either look past it or they won't.

My Dad won't do anything to support me- he either sits there and stares in to space, sides with my Mum "for an easy life" (his words might I add) or goes to the work/gym. There are times when we are arguing in the middle of the night and he won't even bother to get out of bed even if I go up and ask him.

I'm expected to do pretty much everything around the house- cleaning, cooking, ironing, washing, food shopping. Don't get me wrong- i'm more than willing to pitch in but working 10+ hours sometimes and then coming home and being expected to clean and cook and being sent out to the supermarket at 9pm is wearing me out- which affects my ability to work. I get I live in their house for free, but they constantly say "you doing all this is your way of paying rent" but when I ask for the odd £10 so I can go to the cinema with friends i'm met with a barrage of abuse.

I work as a volunteer so my work is unpaid. I spend a lot of time online doing surveys and meaningless tasks for pennies so I can save up and buy things and by the time the time comes round to me being able to cash in it's usually to pay for presents at birthdays and Christmas or to pay for urgent things like new tyres, breaks on my car.

I ran up quite a bit of debt which I pay off monthly (if I can- sometimes I have to miss months) on store cards late last year buying things to sell on eBay so I had some money which has now run out.

The money I got from my GPs is quickly diminishing too- I only have about £100 left and after that I will be left living on the £150 DLA I get. They refuse to let me sign on because they don't want someone on the dole living in their house- too shameful apparently.

My sibling is treated completely differently. He is 2 years older and they dote on him completely. When he comes home with his girlfriend i'm usually completely forgotten about which in some form a relief, and in some form it still breaks my heart. He is still waited on hand and foot- and i'm expected to as well.

Despite earning a very modest salary he still supplied with an allowance, his car his paid for (I should maybe add here he lives in London, isn't a requirement for his job and uses it maybe once every 2/3 months if he is travelling out of the city). I know I sound spiteful and jealous- but I can't battle the feeling that i'm being treated unfairly.

The way I have been treated has impacted the rest of my life too. I completely underachieved at school because I was so tired all of the time, and because I was so afraid I excluded myself from a lot of things which lead to some pretty nasty bullying. The teachers were pretty supportive and a lot of the really nasty stuff was stubbed out- but nothing from my parents. At all. They were called in once, and they did come in, but all my Mum did was laugh about it on the way home.

Friends- one became a boyfriend but he also started taking advantage of me and when I stood up for myself he decided he didn't want to know taking the majority of our other friends with him which I guess speaks volumes about why the friendships existed in the first place. I'm utterly heartbroken as these are people who were supposedly supportive in whatever I did and people i've known a long time. I've got 2, maybe 3 people left in my life who haven't run away yet and I know they will do soon.

I suffer from depression and crippling anxiety. I have deliberated suicide in the past. I've had all sorts of counselling but i've found it incredibly difficult to open up to strangers about all my problems so i've either brushed the bad stuff under the carpet or i've run away.

And then there is work- I love my job and i'm also incredibly lucky that my boss is supportive and says she is a friend and is there for me. But my lack of confidence is stopping me believe her and is stopping me moving forwards. I keep thinking back that 18 months ago I wouldn't even be in this position but now i'm truly am stuck. I guess it's because i'm with someone who says they want to support me and be there for me- but I don't know if it's out of pity or genuine. I really don't.

My life is soul destroying. I really don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore or how much longer I can carry on. She has destroyed my life- I have no self confidence to go out and make friends, have another boyfriend and despite my want for children i'm terrified to have them in case I turn out the same.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya Sun 03-May-15 23:20:16

You poor thing. I am no expert but it sounds to me as though the first thing you need is to get out of your parents' house by any means possible. It sounds as though some counselling to help you work through the effects of your mother's abuse would be really helpful too, but while you're still living in these circumstances I doubt it would be able to have its full effect. I think once you are free of her and able to think clearly you will find out how strong you can be.

Have you tried already to find a paid job instead of your volunteering? Even if you have to settle for something less than ideal at first, it sounds as though anything that would help you get away would be worth it. Can you start saving up/selling things quietly as well to build up a small deposit? Maybe start making some practical plans first to help you make your escape, and then you will have the space to work on your confidence.

Quitelikely Sun 03-May-15 23:28:04

What you need to do is look for paid employment. An apprenticeship perhaps?

Something, anything to get you out of that house.

if you look on gumtree for your area you will be able to afford a house share. Rooms can be pretty cheap.

Your parents? Well they are unlikely to change. Ever. You have been treat appallingly, been abused and its crushing you.

oute Sun 03-May-15 23:35:09

You need to get out. They are energy leeches, plan your leaving at your leisure, doing the planning whilst you have a free roof over you head will be easier. Why can't you get a paid job?

sherbetlemonD Sun 03-May-15 23:37:33

I want to I really do. But my lack of self confidence just stops me- and if I get a knock back it just stops me applying for others for a while. I don't know if i'll ever leave. I'm terrified of being alone. At least here I get some form of human contact sad

NiceAcorns Sun 03-May-15 23:39:07

Does your brother see what is truly going on? Would he support you? Would he challenge your parents?

sherbetlemonD Sun 03-May-15 23:42:12

He's my mothers son NiceAcorns. He thrives off the attention he gets. We have no relationship whatsoever unfortunately sad

sherbetlemonD Sun 03-May-15 23:46:20

I should maybe add that I don't see the rest of my other family either really. My Mums sister is supportive- but she is ill and has her own problems to deal with and I don't take that personally. She has recently completely cut off my Mum again (she did when she left home when she was 16 40 years ago and got in touch again about 8 years ago). My dads oldest sister died last year and his brother and youngest sister live abroad. His parents are dead (we were very close so that was really, really hard for me).

And as I said- because of how Mum acts in public it makes it difficult for people to understand. Even if i'm walking around with a black eye it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. It's like they don't care and i'm completely worthless to everyone sad

RJnomore Sun 03-May-15 23:46:34

You need to find a way to be financially independent and I speak from bitter experience.

ImpatientGriselda2 Sun 03-May-15 23:47:03

What a horrible situation.

The ideal thing would be to get a job in order to pay for accommodation (like a cheap room as a lodger). But if you're suffering from severe anxiety - exacerbated by being in the company, daily, of an abusive parent - that may not be as easy as it sounds. It would be a brave and worthwhile thing to try... However:

Do you know anyone who might be able to put you up for a few weeks so you can get out sooner and perhaps begin to unwind just a little from all the stress and start getting on your feet? (though I appreciate getting over an experience like this usually involves years or a lifetime)
You mention grandparents who've given you money. Are they still around, or was that a legacy?
Have you opened up to your voluntary work boss and colleagues abotu the situation at home?

Get some advice on housing options from Shelter or CAB. They should also be able to work out what benefits you are entitled tAnd advise if the council in your area might accept you as homeless for fleeing abuse, perhaps even phone them up on your behalf to check. Homeless hostels and B&Bs aren't exactly lovely, but they might be better than this. Women's Aid is usually for women leaving relationships with male partners, but perhaps give them a call and see if they know someone who could help you?

I agree with the others that you could do with long-term therapy, but you really need to get out first.

ImpatientGriselda2 Sun 03-May-15 23:50:41

Just saw your last post. Do you have any contact details for your mum's sister? It can be very helpful to have someone understand first hand that a family member is abusive and difficult. Perhaps you could live near your aunt? Maybe it depends what sort of problems she has but if it's health issues, perhaps you could support each other for a while?

JulyKit Sun 03-May-15 23:51:51

You know that you lack confidence, so can you start to build on that, first of all.

Maybe join some kind of activity group to try and facilitate more social contact that's not too demanding.

Also, talk to your GP, see if there's a therapy group you can join.

And if possible, read up on ways to develop your confidence and sense of identity through e.g. CBT and mindfulness techniques.

You need to get to a stage where you're no longer afraid of fear itself, afraid of small failures that might not happen, so that you can at least start to take practical steps towards developing independence from your parents.

You sound as if you have a lot of personal experiences that other people are able to relate to.

Your posts are very articulate.

Are there skills that you would like to develop on a course or training of some sort?

ImpatientGriselda2 Mon 04-May-15 00:18:17

Sorry for yet another post already - was a bit forgetful when writing the first one.

In case you hadn't looked into it, it's possible that voluntary work, or above a certain number of hours of voluntary work, might make things more difficult with benefits (JSA or ESA).
It's an unfair rule in many cases, and clearly the voluntAry work you do and the company you get there is beneficial for your mental health and social support. But it might be okay to keep doing it as long as you are available at short notice to attend interviews and take up paid work.
Do make sure you get professional advice about this side of things. (eg CAB, because the Jobcetre aren't always up to speed).
The voluntary work is also why I suggested trying to stay with people you know, so you're not quite so dependent on benefits whilst you adjust and get your bearings.
I'm sure i'm not the only person reading who thinks that if someone they knew (an old schoolfriend or similar) was in your situation, they'd want to help them.

With a situation like yours where almost everything is a problem, it's a case of starting somewhere, finding a place to start unpicking the knot. Here, money and rehousing away from your parents looks like the most productive place. That can put you in a better environment to start working out other things - re-training (Access courses?), therapy, better work, better social life.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 04-May-15 00:53:23

I bet you are an a real asset to your volunteer organisation: your posts show that you are very insightful, and you express yourself very clearly. You've already understood exactly what the issues are here - that's huge! You've even pinpointed your anxiety and low self-esteem, and fear of being alone, as the underlying issues stopping your next move.

Also, well done on standing up to that ex-boyfriend. You got out of that very quickly, for someone who doesn't have supportive family and is held back by feelings of low self-worth. That tells me that you are a good champion for yourself. You do have it in you to take that next step towards independence, when you're ready.

Have you posted before? The bit about your volunteer position and your boss being a friend sounded familiar.

Much as she is a friend and you love that post, I agree with PP that paid employment is your ticket to freedom, and would be a very good priority. Yes, living alone is scary, especially if you're not used to it, and are prone to depression. But IME, there is even greater loneliness in having companions, but being badly treated by them. And, again IME, proving to yourself that you can make it on your own is a great way to lift your mood, and your self-esteem.

Courage. I think you're completely capable of carving out a new life for yourself.

sherbetlemonD Mon 04-May-15 00:53:34

Thank you everyone. Don't really have anyone I could stay with and if I leave it needs to be for good. I couldn't risk coming back sad

I guess I need to try and be brave but I don't know if I can

Cabrinha Mon 04-May-15 01:10:32

You poor thing sad

I would suggest talking to your GP - not just about the anxiety but ALL the reasons behind it.
They may be able to tell you about the best local services to support you.

I appreciate you have a chicken and egg situation of needing to be out of there to build your confidence, but also needing the confidence to get out!

Can you start to work out a plan of how you can do that? Not actually do it if you're not ready, don't put that pressure on yourself. But work out how. Find out the cheapest room in a shared house, and the deposit you'd need. Could your mother's sister provide the deposit? Or grandparents? Or even your spineless father, behind your mother's back, guilt money for doing nothing?

Can you look into signing on, even if you don't start it? It's not their choice, how would they know?

Frankly, I know it's easy for me to say, but I'd like to hear you'd called the police on the bitch next time she laid a finger on you. Wish I could scoop you up and give you a hug, love.

Also - are you managing the debt problem alone? You've very little income with your DLA only. Talk to one of the free debt charities (like Stepchange or CAP) for support to arrange fair MINIMAL payments with frozen interest if possible.

The fact you get £150 DLA but have mentioned asking your mother for £10 for the cinema suggests to me that she's taking your money - is that the case?

Please get real life support from organisations like Shelter and Woman's Aid. And call the Samaritans in a crisis moment. There is a much happy life ahead of you, there really is.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Mon 04-May-15 01:19:34

So sorry you're going though this. I can sympathise, as my mother is very similar to what you have described, however she treats all her children with the same contempt. I can say hand on heart I'd rather live on the streets than with her, and if she were to die, it really wouldn't bother me. I know this sounds awful, but I just have no feelings towards her anymore.

Honestly, your best choice would be to move out and cut all contact with them. I know it easier said than done, but it is worth it in the long run.

SquidgyMaltLoaf Mon 04-May-15 01:27:01

I couldn't read and run - this is one of the saddest posts I've ever read. OP, you have to get out of there. You sound like a lovely person who has been dealt an undeservedly harsh hand. You are articulate and intelligent and need to give yourself the chance to have a proper life. You are strong enough, if you're still here through all that.

RJnomore Mon 04-May-15 01:32:44

Darling you need to leave.

I lived in places where the bathroom door fell off in the middle of the night, and I didn't have the physical aspect, and it was still better than home.

Iflyaway Mon 04-May-15 01:38:32

Run the fuck away from this horrendous situation.

Whatever you can do, really. Your life depends on it.

God. I am horrified by your post.

Wishing you all the best.

fruitandbarley Mon 04-May-15 03:07:35

You are so much stronger than you think you are. Moving out and living away is, when you do it, no where near as scary as you think it is.
The only way to stop feeling like you are now, is to get away from the people that make you feel like this.
Posting on here is brave enough.
Start looking into how and where you can move to.
There is a way, there always is.
And if you need answers to questions, even I'd you think you should already know and think they are silly questions, they arnt, and somebody in here will always have an answer.
Nothing bad will happen if you leave, only good things.
You can start living your life free of feeling like this, and decide on your own terms how much contact you want.
Do not waste any more of your one life living like this.

fruitandbarley Mon 04-May-15 03:09:31

If. Not I'd!

MyNameIsInigoMontoya Mon 04-May-15 20:53:22

Talking to your GP sounds like a good suggestion, do explain everything to them and ask what support services there are that can help you, not just about the anxiety (though that, too).

Remember too that if you are being physically attacked - you CAN (and perhaps should) involve the police. Being your mother does NOT make it OK for anyone to hit or otherwise abuse you. So please do consider at least talking to them. But even if you don't want to, or can't bring yourself to talk to them or make charges - if you know and keep hold of the thought that this is WRONG and is something she could legitimately be arrested and charged for, that may give you strength in making your plans and resisting her pressure.

You can get out of this situation... it may not be easy, but please believe there is always a way.

NiceAcorns Mon 04-May-15 21:55:47

I remember reading about a scheme whereby young people lived with an elderly person/couple as a kind of companion/helper in return for board & meals - is that something you would consider?

It could work to get you away from home & independent, but still with the support of not living alone

NiceAcorns Mon 04-May-15 22:00:04

This is one scheme (in Wiltshire) but I expect they are countrywide.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/wiltshire/7758052.stm

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now