Age difference

[Headdesk]

In 2013 I got out of an emotionally abusive marriage, best thing I ever did. I then met a guy who's 6 years younger than me (I'm nearly 30, He's early 20s). Apart from the age we're perfect together, I mean we argue, but most people do right? He's good to me, he looks after me and he lets me be myself and doesn't control me. But I recently started thinking, will the age matter? I mean not now but what about in a few years? What if I want to have kids (I know it's harder as you get older) and this is stuff I think about, but he obviously won't be at this point, he's very career focused. I am too right now, but what happens if in 10 years he wants kids but it's too late?
I love him so much but I worry the age gap will not work out. Does anyone have any advice or experience with this?

[Headdesk]

I realise that it sounds rushed, I should mention we've been together just over a year now.

[PinkTardis]

Have you asked if he wants kids?

One of the first serious things me and dp talked about was if I wanted any more , he was worried that as he has a low chance of natural conception it would be an issue etc.

If you haven't already I think you need to tell your partner that this is a concern to you, he may not even have realised it was an issue or there's the possibility that he could want children sooner rather then later.

[Headdesk]

I asked him what he wants and he said im over thinking things and we'll be fine and in the future he doesn't care he just wants us to be together which is sweet but not entirely helpful in the conversation

[Lailoo]

Six years is not much at all. DH and I have four year gap and it has never been an issue. Been together 30 years.

[JaceyBee]

I'm seeing a guy who's 11 years younger than me. It's fun and he's great but it's not gonna be for keeps. I have children and don't want anymore, I also don't want to live with a man again. He hasn't thought about his future much yet but really I know at some point soon i need to let him go and find someone his own age who can give him a serious relationship and who he can have a family with.

But your situation is different, 6 years is not that much of a gap and you're both in a similar life stage as you're both single with no dependents/responsibilities. I think life stage is more important than numbers. I see no reason why it shouldn't work out for you

[newnamesamegame]

I don't think an age gap of six years is a big deal at all tbh...

I don't think the age thing is the most relevant factor -- it's about expectations, lifestyles and maturity. I think if you want a clearer roadmap of where the relationship is going and he can't provide that you may have problems. His age is irrelevant to this though.

[Headdesk]

We're moving in together (in the process of finding a flat atm) and we do have plans which is good. Hes probably right and I'm over thinking things.

[Lailoo]

I think that he is just thinking in the now and you are wanting the future to be more mapped out and secure. A year is not that long to have been seeing each other really so maybe he cant give you any more at the moment. You may feel your biological clock ticking but he is just living in the moment and enjoying what you have now. That may not be enough for you so you have to think about what you really want.

[Lailoo]

With regard to kids in the future, he will be with you because he loves you. If you cant have kids then you will face that bridge when you come to it but for now just enjoy the life you are starting off together.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I don't think a 6 year gap is a big deal. We have two sets of close friends where the age gap is 8 and 9 years where the DW is older. Both the men wanted children, so they cracked on sooner rather than later. I think you need to keep the having children topic alive intermittently to make sure you're on the right track together.

[Sansarya]

6 years is nothing OP, there's 12 between me and DP.

[Sansarya]

Oh and I'm the older one! We are very happy though and have a lovely one year old DC.

[Headdesk]

He said 'I don't have the rest of my life mapped out I just want to be with you and have a good job' Which is exactly what I want so that's good but I don't him to get to like 35 and be like 'ok now we can have kids' and me not being able to because I'm too old. (I mean I might be able to but maybe not, I don't know) if that makes sense, I'm not in a rush, I want my career too so I dont even know why it's started to bother me recently.

[Frizz1986]

My sister and her husband have 14 years between them. They met when she was 18 and he was separated from his wife (who he had 2 kids with) They've been together for almost 12 years now, married for 6 years, have a 5 year old and another on the way.
Age isn't everything, but happiness is so do what makes you happy and tell him exactly what you need to know and why.

[LadyB49]

Five years between me and DH. No issues. Never thought of. Together 18 married 10.

[holeinmyheart]

Six years is nothing. In fact it is quite good to be an older woman with a younger man.
I do however think the children issue should be talked about before you get in too deeply, as there has been so much in the news lately about infertility. However, he is young and has appropriate age sperm.
His clock won't be ticking for few years. It won't bother him too much.

You are already thinking along these lines, though aren't you ? You are worried that you will invest in the relationship and then if it goes pear shaped, you may be left without the opportunity to have children.

Mmm so do you take a risk or not? .... It depends on how you feel.
I think I would have been a bit more cagey about moving in together without a commitment.
What about suggesting a time scale? See how it goes and then in a year have a heart to heart about your future together? I think that is fair.

If you live with someone you will know what they are like within a year.
My brother married someone he knew for a week and they are still going strong. My SIL was 19.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Agree with Lailoo. He's not thinking of long term future, his isn't fixed and mapped out and he's happy to be with you now, doing things as a couple. You want 'definites', I think and he's not going to be able to give you those beyond what is in his head NOW.

The age gap, as indicated in your post DOES actually make a difference. I'd be reviewing what I wanted out of life without taking account of him on a permanent basis. He's young, much younger than you (not in years but in outlook) and you haven't been together very long. If you're happy to follow his outlook then that's great. If not, perhaps re-think.

[Ludways]

Depending on the time of year, I'm either 4 or 5 years older than dh. Been together 16 years, two dc 13 and 9. We don't really notice the difference tbh. I was 34 and 38 when I had the dc.

I have a friend who is married to someone 11 years younger, she has 2 older dc from a previous relationship and they have 2 dc together. They're very well suited.

It'll work, if you both want it to. Good luck!

[Weebirdie]

My (step)dad married my mum when he was 23 and she was 33. I was 16 and my sister was 13. Im now 57.

He is the best dad, granddad and great granddad anyone could ever have. They were married for 25 very happy years, I love him, and though my mum is long dead we are as close as we've ever been.

I even have a new step mum, a lovely lady who I love, and I know she loves us.

We're a happy bunch.

[mammabmamma]

Other way round for me, but my husband is 28 years older than me, we have a 13 year old lovely stepdaughter. And we have a 2.5 year old together :-) people might judge, people will say it's not fair, people will make a fuss no matter what you do. If it works for you, then go with it, don't spend your time now worrying about what ifs.

[honeyroar]

My story isn't so positive. My ex was 8 yrs younger than me. We met when he was 21 and I was 29. We were together six years, engaged and bought a house together., were very serious, him more than me for years. By the time I was 35 I slowed down a bit while he was still young (as in not wanting to go clubbing and preferring pubs/dinner parties, if you know what I mean. I also found some of his friends hard work as they were so much more immature. A few weeks before our wedding I found out that he was cheating. He married her 18 months later. It took me a couple of years to get back on my feet properly, and a couple more years to find the right man, so I was then 39 before trying for children. I had fertility issues so it never happened for me. He went onto have kids with his wife, who was his age.

[Stitchintime1]

The bit that jumped out at me was not the age but the way you said you argue but everybody does? I don't know that everybody does at least not to the extent that it's a key part of the relationship. One of the first things you say about it.

[Weebirdie]

Mamma my daughters husband is about 18 years older than her and only 4 years younger than me.

[Headdesk]

I meant we have the usual little disagreements, generally about how messy I am haha.
I am in no rush for kids with him at all, I just worried that By the time he wanted kids it would maybe be too late?
Anyway, I spoke to him, told him this. As usual he was the rational calm one about it all. He said he doesn't have everything planned out he just knows that he wants to be with me, he said that he can see us getting married in the future and if we have kids then we do and if we don't then we dont. The main thing is that he wants to spend his life with me.
Ww're getting our own place in June (even though we practically live together now, I haven't spend a night at my own house since December!) and I guess we'll see how it goes from there. But talking about it with him about it all has relaxed me a bit.

[holeinmyheart]

Mmm I am pleased for you but words are cheap and actions count a lot more. I think I still would like some sort of time scale as things can drift and drift.
Your biological clock is ticking, I don't want to frighten you but read the stats on Google about the chances of successful IVF treatment as we age.

You are only at the early stages of your relationship, but in a years time both of you should have a good idea if it is going to go anywhere.

The reason why I am so concerned for you is that I have a daughter going through IVF at the moment. She has just had her second failed IVF. She is naturally heart broken and as her Mother I am suffering with her.

IVF is limited depending on your area. It costs £5000 a go privately. They are both finding it agonisingly stressful. I don't think the stress of it all is helping them one bit.