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Student/Teacher Relationship

(35 Posts)
CrumpetsRUs Fri 01-May-15 20:54:51

Hi all,

Have name changed as didn't want to out myself.

When I was 16 years old I had a sexual relationship with my 32 year old science teacher. Crucially, he was no longer technically my teacher when the relationship turned sexual and this is where I am at a loss.

I am 28 now and have been dealing with this on and off since I was 16. Ive seen counsellors and ive talked loads about it. My husband knows all about it and my best friends are super supportive too. The reason why I'm taking it here is because I want to tell more people but don't know how... I also would like to hear if anyone has any advice for me. I wish I had a way to warn others not to make the same mistake I made as a 16 year old - I thought I knew it all back then!

So the basics:
My lovely teenage diary goes into great detail about all the time we spent together whilst at school. It looks like he groomed me. I loved the attention having had a terrible relationship with my dad and a verbally abusive step father. He helped me get through some tough times, taught me piano and we spent a lot of time talking in his classroom - just the two of us. I think this went on since I was about 14 years old, possibly?
So then I did my GCSEs and once they had finished, I was asked if I wanted to stay on and do some work in the school (yes, I was a total teachers pet!). I wasn't asked by him, but by another teacher (female). Then this was where the boundaries became blurred.
The science teacher - let's call him ST - saw me in a different light. He asked me "out" to the cinema and I gleefully accepted. He bought be a Bacardi breezer and we watched Charlie's angels... Nothing happened.
Later that summer once the school had officially broken up, we carried on "seeing" each other. I should also mention that he was in a very long term relationship with a woman but was also known to sleep with other female members of staff... He even had a make friend who was HIS teacher at school and they saw each other every now and then. He confessed to me that if this man said he wanted to be with him for the rest of his life, he would leave his GF of 14 years for him. This obviously left me feeling quite hurt.

Anyway, I had never had a boyfriend, had never kissed a boy or held hands with one... I was happy holding hands and lying in his arms but wasn't keen on kissing - I didn't know how to do it and at times I felt a bit forced but felt I couldn't say no.

So there was always a little voice in my head that said "no", but I felt obliged to carry on... I never said it outloud. One time we were at his house in his bed and I didn't want him to touch my breasts which he sort of respected and found it funny that I didn't want him to touch me there.

It became sexual in the November. I instigated it. We went away for the weekend and I decided I wanted to do it. Then the following week my mum found out... And it all went a bit crazy shit. I was obviously in 6th form at this point and the 6th form had nothing to do with my secondary school so technically we were doing nothing wrong... Which is why this all falls apart. In December he came to see me and asked me to marry him... I said yes... It lasted another two or three months... He dumped me after my 17th birthday which was a very drunken night in his "new place" where we had a threesome with a dear girl friend of mine.
She and I are still friends and have talked in depth about that night. We are cool and it was consensual for us. She assures me it's not fucked her up in any way.

So he and I split up and I spent the next week crying myself to sleep in my mums bed. I was hurting so much.
I then dealt with about 3 years of depression which has come and gone between then and now.

Fast forward a few years and mum casually drops into a conversation that when the police were made aware of our "relationship", ST had photos of me in his desk drawers in his office. Nothing sexual but photos that were taken from a distance without my knowledge... We had been on a couple of outdoor pursuits weekends as a school trip and he came on a few of them so im guessing that's when the photos were from... I was also a bit of a boffin so loved getting up to do readings in front of the school and was even in a band for a while and we performed for our year too! So photos that he could have taken without anyone questioning but obviously kept for himself. This was huge news to me as I had always felt I wasn't singled out - that he had fallen for me... Despite the grooming that you can see from my diary. I broke down and sought ways to "get him blacklisted" or something... But everything he did was "above board"... Nothing he did was illegal! Nothing. He even told the police himself when mum found out...

So like I said - I don't think im asking a question but want to warn others... Is there a way I can get this out there? As far as I'm aware, he's still teaching. He married his GF and has a daughter with her now...
How can he get away with this and I have to live with this for the rest of my life?

Well done for reading...
Xx

beezlebop Fri 01-May-15 21:08:04

I'm a teacher and this sort of animal disgusts me. It doesn't matter when actual sex happened, he groomed you and abused you. I know it is a while but I personally would go to the police, he did do things wrong! angry thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks for you.

beezlebop Fri 01-May-15 21:09:08

Just to add, I totally understand the feeling of wanting to get it out there, I was abused by a next door neighbour.

Lovingbenmore Fri 01-May-15 21:17:03

This happened to me.

I realised at the age of 37 that this man groomed me and that I have been abused. Before that I had spent 23 years feeling dirty, ashamed and lesser than.

To be honest, your post has thrown me. I will collect my thoughts and return.

I just want you to know that I get it.

beezlebop Fri 01-May-15 21:18:41

Yes good point, crumpets you are definitely not on your own. Many of us in one way or another totally understand xxx

CrumpetsRUs Fri 01-May-15 21:21:13

Ive been to the police... Once in my early 20s and once again as a 26 year old... Both times I've been told that there's nothing they can do.

Loving - hi... It's nice (?) to know someone else is out there. Ive felt very alone and it's not like there's a support group you can google! flowers

I too spent a long time feeling dirty and raped. It wasn't rape... I instigated the sex... And then was a very willing partner after that.

KindleKind Fri 01-May-15 21:50:27

I'm also a teacher and want to say that what he did is 100% wrong. It doesn't matter when the sex happened, he abused his position. I hope you find a way to come to terms with this.

beezlebop Fri 01-May-15 22:18:37

KindleKind, may I ask if you know who the alternative is now to the GTC? OP should report him to them. Crumpets, I was unfortunately also unsuccessful with the police. Is he still teaching? Sorry if you've already covered this xxxx

CrumpetsRUs Fri 01-May-15 22:24:57

I believe he is, yes. He is no longer living or teaching in the area where it happened with me, but a quick google and I can find the school he's working at...
What's the GTC?
Why were you unsuccessful with the police? I don't understand why these people are allowed to get away with it. hmm

CamelHump Fri 01-May-15 22:35:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrumpetsRUs Fri 01-May-15 22:36:41

So there is nothing I can do. Nothing.
He carries on teaching and I will one day have to tell my kids.

Lovingbenmore Fri 01-May-15 22:38:05

And that's the thing, isn't it? I enjoyed the sex, saw myself as in control and enjoyed the attention.

But I was a bloody kid!

He was the adult and had the moral responsibility to guide me in the right direction, not abuse a misguided and naive teen.

Once away from this man (19) I thought that I couldn't get in to future relationships without 'confessing' what I had done- note how I didn't see him as the one at fault. I thought that future boyfriends had the right to know that I had done such a 'bad' thing and would understand if they didn't want to be with me. I can't believe I did that.

Lovingbenmore Fri 01-May-15 22:41:37

But why do you need to tell your children about him? Or anyone for that matter?
This is YOUR story, YOUR past. Please don't feel as though you have to 'confess'. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. flowers

Lovingbenmore Fri 01-May-15 22:45:33

Sorry, just to clarify. I completely understand the desire to not allow him to get away Scott free. What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to tell your children/friends/new acquaintances anything. I hope I'm making sense flowers

CrumpetsRUs Fri 01-May-15 22:46:07

You think you know everything at 16... When my DH turned 32 I kept asking him "would you fall for a 16 year old? Are they attractive? Can you find a 16 year old attractive?"... He understood where I was coming from (thankfully!) and didn't get annoyed with my mini meltdown when he turned 32... But the answers (unsurprisingly) were a resounding "No!".
These men have been that 16 year old and must look back at themselves at 16 and realise how much of a kid they were... And yet still took advantage of us? Still made us believe it was normal?

What scares me is when people talk about lowering the age of consent! For gods sake! Don't do that! I wish I hadn't lost my virginity to a man twice my age at a tender age of 16... Just because the law says I can, doesn't mean im ready and I should have found that out with a clumsy 16 year old boy from my 6th form.

Yes, I feel like I should tell people... I feel like telling people makes it easier to deal with sometimes - it's just words that happened to someone who looks like me but is really a totally different person to me now.
I hate that I'm a victim. I hate that he is walking scot free with a DAUGHTER. How would he feel if it happened to her??

CrumpetsRUs Fri 01-May-15 22:48:48

I don't know if I really will tell my children... This thing doesn't define me. I am me despite this not because of this.
I feel like I need to tell friends as they won't know me actually... I dunno... Like ive gotta tell of the abusive stepdad, the teacher affair just so that maybe I make sense to them?

cozietoesie Fri 01-May-15 22:49:53

Could you go to the NCTL?

CrumpetsRUs Fri 01-May-15 22:53:22

Yes? I can't see if it covers cases that are over 10 years old... But worth a look into.
Would they take me more seriously than the police? If they police didn't think I could take the case further, then how can I with this? Or why did the police not refer me to this at the time? Like when I was in my early 20s...

cozietoesie Fri 01-May-15 22:58:07

I don't know, I'm afraid. Maybe someone with relevant experience can answer those questions.

I think the NCTL might be worth trying for you, though?

beezlebop Fri 01-May-15 22:58:45

Crumpets, so you know my background I was abused, went to police and was told I had a good case which cps threw out. The chief something or other rang my mum to explain that they "did believe me" but blah blah.. Which annoyed me further. Initially after I told my parents then reported, waited a year and got dumped by the cps(which was horrendous tbh) I had this huge urge to tell and save possible future victims. I have had to direct that venom and hatred into helping online with various orgs. However, I'm overall glad I did it, he is a marked man now and his mother knows, I also went from feeling it was my fault to knowing it was his.

Sorry for going on, but in my experience there are lots of reasons to report him. You, your mental health and other pupils are some xxxxxxthanks thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks

beezlebop Fri 01-May-15 23:02:22

Also, you could email the head of his current school governors personally , crimestoppers, ofsted, nspcc with your report. It could be anonymous. At least you've tried then xx

beezlebop Fri 01-May-15 23:04:29

Sorry to drip, my case was 30 years ago and I was encouraged to go for it. I do however wonder if the time affected the outcome xx

noblegiraffe Fri 01-May-15 23:08:54

There was a case in the news last week where a teacher was banned from teaching for a relationship with a pupil which wasn't sexual until the pupil had left school. It was seen as professional misconduct. It was very wrong of the teacher to do what he did to you.

www.derbytelegraph.co.uk/Derbyshire-teacher-sex-pupil-banned/story-26360359-detail/story.html

beezlebop Fri 01-May-15 23:11:31

Sorry to post again, but the only way to stop the teaching is to report him to the police if you can. Sarac also help if you can look them up xx

trufflehunterthebadger Fri 01-May-15 23:14:56

The offences which relate to position of trust (pupil teacher relationships) only came in with the 2003 sexual offences act so this would probably be why the police could not investigate, if you were a willing participant that was over the age of consent. You can only investigate offences that were on statute at the time of the relevant offence. IYSWIM. The teacher misconduct thing relates to professional bodies, not criminal matters (which is what the police investigate).
I've been in the police since 2004 and had no idea that Nctl thing existed (and i am pretty clued up on sexual offences stuff) so i am not surprised that you didn't get referred to them. We don't know everything about everything ;)

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