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Problem with relationship. female advise needed.

(1 Post)
BrokeButStillInLove Thu 30-Apr-15 20:22:00

Hello everyone!
I am new here and this is my first post here... I was brought here by unbearable pain I have been experiencing for the past well, almost 1.5 years... I met my girlfriend at uni and after we started dating she was initially treating me as a colleague or some sort of trial boyfriend. Later we fell in Love and we were happy, I am still in Love with her and I can honestly say that I have never met anyone like her (in good meaning). But now everything is falling apart, it is my fault. Before I met her I was noticing that I can’t stop watching porn but after we started dating it all went away, we were really happy couple… Problems started when she went away for holidays with her family and I was working, I flirted a bit on the internet with two friends (one was a bit explicit) and after my gf came back, she went through all my emails and Facebook and found these conversations… I thought it was over but we agreed that I will make it up to her and fix it. I was trying hard, I took all the blame and I didn’t ‘cheat’ on her again I nearly failed my postgraduate studies due to talking till early morning with her, skipping lectures to see her when she was upset and I was there almost all the time when she wanted me to be with her… Now after over 3 years together (1.5 years )I am feeling really unwell, I feel anxious most of the time, got some health problems and I feel really depressed when we fight, although I very much love her and I want us to be together. She says that she loves me but also is now frequently very angry with me over nothing, tells me that she starts to trust me and then all the sudden that she will never trust me again but she still loves me and hates me, however she also says things that she only pretends to love me and she is with me because, she wants to find someone else instead of breaking off with me, then being single and finding someone else. I feel like all my efforts goes to nothing and she doesn’t appreciate it but she just looks for yet another thing to fight over again, and another argument to show how bad I am and how badly I mistreated her. I accepted that it was my fault but taking all this harsh comments about me and blaming myself brings bad memories from school where I was badly bullied and as we fight, it comes back and I start feeling this emotional black hole and associating her with my old school bullies. I told her about my past and she was angry with me that I thought like that about her.
I don’t know what else to do, how do I prove her that I love her and that I am not cheating? (she has all my passwords and I guess she goes through my stuff often).
How do I keep her happy and safe?
And how can I safe our relationship?
I really care about her and I love her very much. I did stupid mistake long time ago and I didn’t do it again, I was trying hard to fix things but now I feel like I don’t have strength anymore…
Any comments are welcome.

Thanks.

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