Just can't move past this

[VillyCazalet]

Not really relationship problem but I'd like help from the wise heads here, and it is relevant to my whole family.

We have 2 DC's, 4 and 6. I cannot, cannot, cannot move past wanting another.

We lack space. Money is ok but needed to extend/do up the house. We both have minor health issues which make baby care harder than it is anyway.

We have hobbies we love, non compatible with babies. Life's getting easier!

We've yo-yo'd for years, always concluding that no, it would be nice but not wise.

Why can't I let it go? Now I feel we've decided definitely not to, I feel depressed, have no interest in sex and just very sad. I am sensible and rational, I know what this is (I'm 36!) but I can't over power it!

I just don't know what to do. I almost feel another baby will be worth it simply to stop feeling like this forever! I know it's pretty common to feel like this but any wise words and advice would be appreciated.

[PoppyField]

I've not felt it this bad, but it is hard when your youngest moves past the early years... you just wish you could do it all again, or that you should have 'treasured' those moments more. The truth is, it is bloody hard work and you are so busy coping, it is hard to stand and stare and think beautiful thoughts.

My tuppenyworth is that you have no guarantee that if you had number 3, that you wouldn't be desperate for number 4 eventually. It is hard acknowledging that perhaps you have had your last child already. Biology is hard to beat. It seems daft to have another child just to stop that feeling - when there is absolutely no certainty that it will stop that feeling!

What does your partner think?

[Quitelikely]

It depends on how hard you will find the stress of coping.

You've already said your hobbies and day to day life will be affected.

Can you handle the sacrifices? If yes do it if not think very carefully as it could cost you your relationship

[ALaughAMinute]

What does your husband say? Does he want another baby? If he doesn't it could put a terrible strain on your relationship so you need to consider your feelings carefully. Don't let your desire for a baby ruin your marriage.

[VillyCazalet]

DH is fairly relaxed about it but would prefer not to. He's logical about it. I think it would stop me wanting another one as I'd be so utterly fucked all the time, I'd probably be too busy regretting the third one (only partly joking!).

I have real issues with regret. I torment myself with 'if only' this and that, career, friends, house everything. Decisions I could have made differently and feel it's too late now. It's wrapped up in that. My fear that I'll regret not doing it is overwhelming. My fear of going through it again (and I recognise it is HARD) is smaller. That scares me!

[Twinklestein]

You can move past this, you just have to make a choice to. I know people who've done it. They made peace with 2 kids and decided to be happy with that and they are. The feeling won't last forever.

One of my best friends does that 'if only/it's too late' thing. It's exhausting! Always hankering after greener grass, wrong decision, should have done something else, it's too late. It's all a way of not being happy with things as they are and accepting things as they are.

I don't think that an extra child or not will make any significant difference to your happiness, but it will definitely impact on your tiredness and stress levels.

[Twinklestein]

I think the key is to work on the regret issues, you might find the child issues resolves itself.

[Inexperiencedchick]

You already have 2 adorable kids to love and cherish.

Engage with them, and see maybe in few years time you might decide to give it a go. You are still young.

My mum had the last child when she was 40 after 12 years gap.

Good luck

[PoppyField]

Yes you're only 36! I had my first at 42 and second at 43 - you've got a bit of time here.

[VillyCazalet]

All good advice. I definitely need to work on my regret issues. I don't voice them as I know how dull they make me. Well, I do to dh and it all makes him quite cross as we have so much to be thankful for.

True, another will mostly affect my tiredness, stress and freedom to enjoy life. The thought of another pg/baby/child is just so seductive. Much more so than working on my issues!

[springydaffs]

Hang on though - being consumed with a nebulous, all encompassing regret is not dull, its a disorder. A very painful one, too, so give yourself a break - you wouldn't want to be like this would you?

Off the top of my head it's probably linked to general anxiety eg fear of not making right choices? Whatever, I'd definitely invest in a bit of therapy to get to the bottom of this.

I feel for you. Some of the responses on here are akin to telling someone who is depressed to pull up their socks - it's not as simple (or as shaming) as that. I personally think this decision is up there on the agonising stakes, so go easy on yourself xx

[mix56]

OK, fast forward to when the DC's are 14 yrs old to 24 yr old, give or take a few years either way.... It can be seriously, majorly, suicidally difficult. ( they can be fucking awful, sorry, there is no avoiding that expletive.) schooling is hard, orientation is hard, they ALL do drugs at some level or another (YES)
there is major difficulty with funding education, finding a job global warming & all the other real dilemmas that will face them
The cost is crippling.
I can tell you from the far end of loving babies & small kids that they are a walk in the park compared to what awaits.
Do yourself a favour & get a puppy.

[VillyCazalet]

springydaffs thank you for your insightful and sympathetic post. You're right, it is crippling. I joke to my husband that I would 'die' (of misery and exhaustion) if I had another baby, yet I feel compelled to do it. And it is because I can. Because I'd regret it if I dont, as I'll never then have experienced how hard it is. I Really envy those who just knew they were 'done'.

The puppy is coming up for 2 btw

[VillyCazalet]

Oh god, before I get flamed... Thanks everyone for your comments, even not sympathetic ones! I just wish they could make me change my mind.

I am sure it is much harder as they get older, I can't imagine as I'm not there but I believe it.

[Twinklestein]

It's interesting that you fear regretting not doing it more than doing it.

It probably seems logical to you but for me it would be vice versa.

[VillyCazalet]

I think I fear them pretty equally. I just think 'not doing it' regret would eat me up, while 'did it' regret, well, I'd just have to get on with it. And I guess I think I'd be happy and relieved that I'd finally done it and could stop angsting (sp?). I actually think I'm pretty much at my limit now though so how could I?

[Twinklestein]

You should never do something for fear of regrets, you should only do it because you're convinced that it's the right thing for you to do.

I find decisions based on fear are usually wrong.

You don't have to be eaten up by regret either - you can conquer that, although you might need therapy to help you. It's obviously a longstanding emotional issue and it has no relevance to whether another child is right for you.

[VillyCazalet]

I'm reading and re-reading the first part of your post, trying to absorb the wisdom. I really am! It's given me something to think about, a new perspective. I've mostly been thinking about the practical side (of how the hell I'll manage, use a sling and carry on as normal?? Etc). I will try to re direct my resistant mind. I love my life, be mad to fuck it up.

[RandomMess]

|Is there any sense of if you did it again, it would be "perfect"? If so that's another issue to add to the list

Yes get yourself some decent therapy/counselling to deal with the regrets etc. Having another child won't do anything to dispel them just put them to bed for a little while until they appear in another form!

Remember all the difficulties and despair of young dc and multiply it by at least 10 to think about what it was REALLY like. Failing that get another puppy...

[springydaffs]

It may be my memory blanking out the hell of older kids - possibly! - but ime the younger years were by far the toughest. Once they were on rails they just, well, rocked along without incident, more or less

though we won't talk about late teens/20s

But I don't think the issue is how tough kids are or could be, the issue seems to be your blind terror of making the wrong decision, and that's something else altogether. Perhaps post on the mh board to see if you can get some revelation on this?

[mix56]

for my two pennyworth , I have considered discussing with my kids the probable error of bringing children into the future generation, with its inevitable pollution, climate change, fresh water problem, drugs, war, IMPLOSION .......
shudder.

[Norest]

Well if it's going to be that tough maybe focus on your current two children and how much you might regret being so fucked you struggle to cope with them.

[getsomehelp]

Actually quite sad for the 2 children who exist...

[VillyCazalet]

Why sad? I love being thier mum.

[gildedcage]

Is there a reason why you can't have a third? If this is something that you want, can afford and your dh isn't against it where is the problem?

I have 3, all within 5years and its great. You do have to consider the costs but if you are solvent etc where's the problem.

I would have another in a heartbeat but I've made peace with the fact it will never happen. If there is a reason that you can't have another these feelings will go on their own over time.

[getsomehelp]

sounds like they will never be enough