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Help... scared of being wicked stepmother.

(10 Posts)
chablisfan Tue 28-Apr-15 14:02:45

DP and I together for one very happy year. Gets on brilliantly with DS 8.

As well as the " rip your shirt off thing" ...we are best freinds and want to slowly build a life and future together. We have done well at supporting each other and " teamwork"

I now have an amicable relationship with my ex (Ds dad) which took some doing ...but 4 years after a terrible marriage ( domestic violence ..... stressed banker husband / unnecessarily bad divorce) it's "as good as it gets" and we talk!!! I am proud of the life I rebuilt for my son and I.

DP is only other man who has come into DS life.... and since he lives partly in Scotland( where his CC are ) he does stay here a lot. Out of respect to my ex I introduced them at Christmas. Ex says Ds clearly likes Dp and has no issue. Was all " perfectly pleasant " and DP has since " done the handover" for me when I was unwell or au pair not around.

This would be an amicable thing we work out ...but since both my ex and Dp and I travel so much for work( DP and I frequently travel together) we all live v close to airports. A move to Scotland would add 30 mins only to our " access" monthly weekend and school holidays visits.

We have planned that in a year or so from now we would like to get engaged. Then DS and I will move to be with him.

Here"s where I need advice. !!!! Please.

DP finalised an extremely acrimonious divorce himself yesterday.
Despite the marriage breaking down long ago and it being nearly 2 years after they agreed to split and he moved out his ex would not agree to a divorce.
All he cared about was having shared custody of his DS 9 DD 7 and DD 5. She said she objected on religious and family moral grounds and he would have to wait until he could force a divorce.

Every time he tried to proceed she threatened to withdraw the shared custody arrangement and move away with his kids. He was terrified of this.
Anyway eventually she conceded after being bribed with an extra financial settlement and so....

We would like to know how best to slowly and sensitively tell his ex about me and introduce myself and my Ds to his Cc.
We have planned some " geographically complex" playdates and a summer holiday ( with other members of his family around to lessen the pressure)

His family are supportive

But the scope for screwing up these vulnerable children worries me. We both feel his ex should be told..... he thinks after a couple of playdates but I think ( female thing ) she should be told before . They are her children and I don't like deceit.

Any advice or shared experiences or reading matter ???would be so grateful.

I feel like a homewrecking potential wicked step queen.
His freinds and family and him have warned me she will paint me as the above./ go bonkers etc .... And also accused a few of his freinds and a babysitter of being child molesters ( behind their backs ) . I know he will support me but that isn't the point.

I don't want animosity. Full stop. I have no desire to "muscle in" on her domain on position.

Thankyou heaps

chablisfan Tue 28-Apr-15 15:10:30

Oh... I hadn't read the acronyms section sorry ... by CC I mean DC. This is new to me. X

pocketsaviour Tue 28-Apr-15 15:26:10

Has his contact with his DC been finalised via a court order?

I agree with your feeling that it would be best to tell her about you before the Dc meet you. Otherwise all that will happen is they'll go home and talk about "daddy's new girlfriend" and she'll hit the roof.

chablisfan Tue 28-Apr-15 17:09:35

Yes. Thankyou. Bless u.
Child care agreement is now in a court order.
So yes if it isnt adhered to there is room for legal comeback... but who wants that ??
Bad for DCs.
Really looking for peaceful route here.

flora717 Tue 28-Apr-15 17:41:52

Best she is forewarned. It's one less arrow she can fling out.

BeeRayKay Tue 28-Apr-15 17:59:20

I've no advice .

But I did want to say how lovely you are to be thinking about this.

Handywoman Tue 28-Apr-15 18:27:25

Congrats for slowly building a new life for you and your ds.

Your dp - how is he regarding the divorce and his ex - is he afraid of her or does he normally know how to handle her?

I think she should be pre-warned about your existence. And fairly soon. Would he do that do you think?

chablisfan Tue 28-Apr-15 19:07:18

To be honest handywoman..he is really scared of her having a freak out.

Not for himself.... he says he has learnt to block her out... but for the Dcs. I have heard her scream down the phone at him about ( to my mind) small things ( him allowing DS to have Barbie dolls or play make-up at his house for example which she doesn't agree with )

Apparently there were some pretty uncontrolled outbursts when they were little.... although I strongly suspect there was some post natal depression going on there.

As I understand it she sees herself as a victim. But there are 2 sides etc etc etc ..never judge somebody you haven't met and all that !!!

Yes.. I am going to say to DP we should tell her first. Interesting 2 posters agree with that.

WHAT I REALLY WANT IS ADVICE ON THE DC " blending"--- e.g avoiding bad feeling for his and my DS and between them.
We were going to go talk to a family counsellor for advice...practical.

BrixtonQueen Sat 02-May-15 13:03:07

While I know you have acknowledged there are two sides and you say friends and family have warned you about her and you have overheard her on the phone, I would advise a little kore caution. You have known this man a year, it is very easy and all too common a story that I hear for a man to have a mad, hysterical ex...a few years down the line you don't want to be the next hysterical woman... Just take it slowly, keep your wits about you. I am always suspicious of this sort of issue. Is she really that bad? Are you sure he is honest? Be careful

Hexbramble Sat 02-May-15 13:33:40

OP you sound lovely and considerate, you really do.

There are a few red flags here..

1. If these descriptions are fair and accurate, then it seems unlikely that you'll win this woman over. Sorry (I'm a stepMum myself who is friends with the ex - we speak regularly) so I'm
Not one to fuel this already fragile balance, BUT this woman sounds unhinged. She really does. I was going to suggest YOU meeting her on neutral ground, no DC, no DP, but maybe a coffee and a talk. Your posting style shows you to be reasonable and considerate and that would hopefully reassure her (if she were to be a reasonable person...).

2. I'm wary of this idea you've been painted of the 'troublesome ex'. It's too easy. Admittedly, and from the stories here on MN, these impossibly unreasonable creatures exist, but lots of wildly inflammatory descriptions exist too. Reserve judgement until you see for yourself.

Easy to give advice I know. Difficult to implement. Would you be up for trying to arrange a coffee with this woman?

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