Why are we both so unhappy?

[MaxiPriestess]

Name change here.

Please can you give me some honest advice to put my marriage back on the rails. I can't talk to IRL friends as my DH would hate the thought of me talking about our stuff to other people.

We've been together for 20 years, married for 13, have two children. On paper, things could not be much better. Kids are at an easy age, no longer waking at night or needing us 24/7, but not stroppy or hormonal yet either. We are well off, we both have jobs, we have a nice house. Our parents are getting older but are in decent health, as are we and the children.

It's dawned on me that we never laugh together any more, and we spend an awful lot of time sniping and arguing over petty crap. The downside of both working is that life seems so busy. Mornings have to be a fearsome routine to get everyone out the door on time with the things they need . Evenings I am usually ferrying the kids to/from sports or clubs, DH gets home at their bedtime, we do dinner, we wash up, one of us might go to the gym or out for a run, we make packed lunches, it's late.

We used to sit and watch TV together at the end of the evening but in recent months I have felt both physically and emotionally tired. In the evenings I crave a bit of space, some peace in bed with a good book. It feels like my "treat" at the end of a long working day, dealing with other people's needs both at work and in the family. If I stay up, I start getting wound up by things and find it hard to get to sleep when I go to bed.

I talked to DH at the weekend and he said he feels unhappy but he doesn't know why when on paper everything is the best it has ever been for us. We both feel unappreciated and frustrated at work, and have quite stressful jobs, but there are a lot of good things about our jobs as well (not least they are both quite flexible about childcare etc so we can move our hours around) and we both know how lucky we are to have jobs and a good income.

We prioritise family time together at the weekends but it doesn't feel happy any more. He said he feels like I never want to do anything, that he always suggests things and all I do is come up with reasons why not. I feel like we work our bloody socks off all week and we need relaxing weekends without rushing around fitting too much in. He gets stressed being at home because he hates untidiness and our house is never perfectly tidy. I get stressed because I am naturally very untidy and feel like I spend my life tidying up and it's never good enough.

I just feel like we both need a bloody good shake to somehow get us out of a negative rut and back to being friends again :( At bottom we love each other and we both adore our children, and I don't think the problem is between us particularly. It's just the whole thing - we're miserable, and we're making each other miserable rather than helping each other.

Help, please......................................

[Thecowandcat]

Can you cuddle up in bed together of an evening for a bit, or just have sex more as soon as the kids are in bed? Or stick on a comedy DVD? Then your husband can get up and go do what he wants to do and you could have a read and get a reasonably early night.

Perhaps you could compromise on the weekends and go out on Saturday and maybe have Sunday in?

I would also try making a list of all the things that are on your schedule and see if there is anything either of you can drop or alter so that you are not so hectic. Can someone else take the kids to their activities for example?

It is hard, I really hope you find something that works for you.

[dmango]

sounds like you just need to reconnect again and remember why you love each other and the things you enjoy together. The Marriage course is run all over the country, it is church based but not overtly religious (my hubby isn't Christian and he didn't find it off putting at all). They put a lot of emphasis on Marriage time, spending regular one on one time together that is prioritised. They also give you exercise where you can work out persistent 'niggles' like housework, finance etc.

I found it very helpful to just reignite stuff!! I hope you start to feel lighter and happier soon.

www.relationshipcentral.org/marriage-course

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Is it possible for you two to have some time alone together on the weekends even if it's just popping out for an hour or two maybe breakfast or lunch or for a walk something the two of you

[mommyof23kids]

Too much happening. cut down on after school activities, clear out your house so there is less to clean, get a cleaner once a week and cut out weekend outings to once a month. It sounds unfair to the kids but they don't need loads of after school activities more than they need a happy family life.
Movie nights are a great way to decompress too, get pizza, a movie and just do nothing for 90 minutes.

[MaxiPriestess]

Thank you Thecowandcat. I should have mentioned, our sex life has completely gone down the pan.

I realised typing my message that I do need to try to prioritise spending some more time together in the evenings. Otherwise it's like we come together on a Saturday morning and we're strangers.

The more I think about it, the more it seems that we are struggling because DH feels that we should be doing lots, filling our days, giving the kids lots of activities etc. And I feel overwhelmed because we're so busy. But he looks at my parents and then comments on the fact that my family are not get-up-and-go people and they don't achieve much whereas his family are people who are always on the go . And you know how these things descend into a row when you start comparing your families....

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Are there any practical steps you can take to make it easier for you both? For example if the house being untidy has become a source of stress, can you get a cleaner? If your DH likes going out at the weekend and you want to relax, can he take the DCs out and you stay at home? You could still do something together as a family in the evening.

Would you consider couple's counselling? It might help you both to reconnect and get out of the sniping rut. I think sometimes when we say 'At bottom we still love each other' that it's difficult to tell if it's true or a habit. I think you both need to try to remember why you love the other person and how they make your life better, and sometimes a counsellor can help to tease out those truths.

Try not to feel guilty about being unhappy. It's a sign that despite all the external trappings something isn't right.

[MaxiPriestess]

I have wanted to do a marriage course for a long time, I think it would do us a lot of good in sorting out those niggles. Things like housework and what we do at the weekend are trivial really but they are coming between us in a big way. I really can't see my DH going for it, he is a private person and also a bottler-upper. He might do if I pushed it, but his preference at the moment is to ignore the problem and see if it goes away

I really know that the kids don't need constant activities and am totally on board with that idea. But DH is quite driven compared to me and he is always trying to get the rest of us doing more. We have rowed so many times over this; when we were little he used to come home and get annoyed because I hadn't been teaching them to ride their bikes or catch a ball or whatever while we were at home during the day :(

What I dream of when I'm in bed at night is a house of my own where I could be a bit lazy and a bit messy without being judged. I really don't want us to break up though. I think we could fix this if we try. I am making him sound like an arse, and TBH he is being an arse at the moment because he's unhappy. He's not always an arse.

[ImperialBlether]

I think it's fixable.

In all the mayhem that's been going on, you have both lost sight of yourselves as a couple.

However, when he's thinking of his family and their get-up-and-go attitude (which makes me want to lie down, frankly) I wonder whether perhaps his mum stayed at home all day and was therefore in a better position to run round in circles the rest of the time?

I don't know whether you have a cleaner, but I would prioritise that - and I'd have one twice a week - once before the weekend and once afterwards. That way, you will free up a lot of your weekends and he'll be happier in a tidier/cleaner home. (I can see his point of view on this, even though I'm not tidy myself.)

Also, as you come home earlier you are copping for a lot that he isn't. He's working later and it's very likely that that is wind down time at work - most people will have left and it's his chance to catch up and make sure everything's OK for the next day. Meanwhile you are racing home, preparing dinner for children, trying to tidy up, taking them to all their activities and then racing home to start dinner again. This means he has a relaxing couple of hours (albeit at work) and you don't.

At the weekend there is absolutely nothing to stop him from taking the children out himself and letting you have a couple of hours' peace. Nothing at all.

I wonder, though, whether your children are doing too much. When do they sit and daydream or read? When do they learn to do practical things, like knitting or lego etc? They need idle time, too - I believe it's vital for creativity.

[shewept]

It sounds like a lack of compatibility and a lack of compromise. I could spend all weekend in the house watching DVDs. Dh would go insane, staying in all weekend. Its just how he is. He needs to do stuff. So we compromise. Some weekends are lazy weekends. Some are filled with activities. Some are a mix (one day busy, one day not so much) sometimes he goes off in his own. Sometime he goes out takes the kids and leave me at home to relax.

Me and dh are very different. But we always talk, sometimes disagree but always reach an agreement that makes us both happy.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Can you just shag him? Please?! I find that problems only feel un-fixable when you're not having sex. A good shag (or two) and suddenly everything seems manageable.

Why/when did you stop shagging?

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

And IME, men love to "do" stuff at weekends (whereas I hate it!). Could you compromise where he takes the kids out in the morning on Sat or Sun, giving you some time to yourself at home? Then vice versa on the next day - you take the kids out (even somewhere lazy like a cheap kids' movie at the cinema, or breakfast in Costa Coffee, etc) and he can do what he likes?

Then afternoons/evenings you all spend together.

I've been reading about relationships a lot lately, and one of them made a BIG thing about how problem-solving-orientated men can be. That their lives are built on fixing problems, moving forwards, DOING stuff. That seems so alien to me! I love doing nothing when nothing needs doing. :) But it's driven every partner of mine nuts. I'm sure there's a compromise to be found here.

[MaxiPriestess]

shewept I think you have hit the nail on the head. We are quite different in a lot of ways. And when we're happy, we manage to compromise, and appreciate each other, and work it out. And at the moment neither of us is happy in ourselves, so the compromises are failing and we're both feeling frustrated and annoyed with each other.

YES his mum never worked, his dad did whatever the hell he wanted and never helped in the house or with the kids, his mum is the sort of person who will drag herself out of bed hours after a major operation to hang curtains or put in bedding plants or something because she can't bear to sit still. Whereas my mum is the sort of person who will happily lie in bed for days, or leave the house in an jaw-dropping state of unhygienic mess and go out for a walk in the sun because life's too short to worry about housework. I think DH and I both fear that the other is going to turn into one or the other of their parents.

ImperialBlether, I feel that he has always had a lot more freedom and space as he is much less involved in the practicalities of the children - mainly because of his working hours but also, I suspect, because of his upbringing. He obviously doesn't feel this. He feels very strongly that he has sacrificed a lot since becoming a parent. I am trying to be understanding of how he feels, and not get drawn into a competition of who has had to compromise the most.

[MaxiPriestess]

WhatsGoingonEh I suspect you are right and some sex would solve a lot of this. I think I need to go back to the MN archive and read what will doubtless be a thousand threads on how to improve your sex life when you (temporarily) don't actually like each other very much

[poocatcherchampion]

I sometimes just take a deep breath and do it! It does help and we are generally much more cheerful afterwards.

But he is always willing and dont have any relationship problems (yet)

We have also done the marriage course (as our church ran it and we had just got hitched) we enjoyed it.

[Jinglebellsarenearlyhere]

Similar situation here regarding weekends being busy vs chilling out, except I am the one who wants to be doing things. The compromise me and DH reached is one day busy, one day not.

[shewept]

Start with having a cuddle. I find once resentment starts building its difficult to feel close. Me and dh make sure if we feel pissed off we put it to the side and have a cuddle. No sex, well sometimes. But its about just being physically close. Makes it easier to discuss things for us.

[dmango]

sorry taken a while to get back...the Marriage Course is great for people who don't like "public" sharing as you do do exercises as part of a group but you only ever talk to one another unless you ask a facilitator to support you with a particular issue. BTW one week is dedicated to sex and like all the course is very helpful and helps you to discuss difficulties and form an action plan , if needed
good luck