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Relationships

Online dating dilemma - can someone please do me a favour?

19 replies

tigerbear · 27/04/2015 19:24

I'd be really grateful if someone could help me out here.

I've been seeing someone for a few months whom I met online dating, via Guardian Soulmates. I don't have a profile anymore, but he still does (I asked why he still had it the other day, and he looked surprised and said he didn't know the account could be deactivated, so it hadn't occurred to him, he just thought it was there until it expires).

Anyhow, even though I don't have an account, I can still see if he's been online by just looking on the site. I've checked very sporadically, and the two times he's been on in the past 4 months, he said it was because he'd received 'likes' and had messaged the women back to say thank but no thanks, he's in a happy relationship now, and to give them hope that the site does work.

I did pull him up about it last time, and he forwarded me the message he'd sent to the last one, so I could see it was genuine. And all was fine after that - I could see until Saturday that he hadn't been on for a over a month (and the time before that it was about a month too).

In the last week, he's been a bit distant, the last date we had was probably the worst we've had so far - no sex, which he's usually totally interested in, and it just didn't seem like we connected. He came over to meet friends of mine on Saturday but left early, saying he had work to do. Then I didn't hear from him for 24 hours. This morning I just thought I'd take a look online, and it said he's been on this week, so yesterday (when all I received from him yesterday was a one line text to say he loved me).

It might just be me feeling low on confidence, but I just need reassurance that he's not checking people out on there/messaging people.

Would someone who is on GSM mind to send him a message, or even just a like and let me know what he responds with? I know some people don't agree with this kind of checking up, but it would give some peace of mind and let m know either way whether he's genuine.

If anyone can help, please PM me.

Thanks in advance

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pocketsaviour · 27/04/2015 19:39

I take it you've had "the conversation" and agreed to be exclusive?

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tigerbear · 27/04/2015 19:45

Pocket - not in so many worded, but he's told me he def isn't messaging anyone, and hasn't dated anyone since we met.
We've both said we love one another, from early on.
He's met my DS, we're 'in a relationship' on FB, we've each met the other's parents.

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pictish · 27/04/2015 19:52

I think you've both rushed things. Never a good idea.

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tigerbear · 27/04/2015 19:54

Pictish - possibly. I do tend to fall for people very quickly, and jump straight in, so to speak.

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CMOTGilbertBlythe · 27/04/2015 19:59

I don't think it's wrong to be exclusive after 4 months!
He needs to delete that dating profile, I can't think why he wouldn't have.

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pictish · 27/04/2015 20:01

Infatuation isn't the same as love. A lot of people think the two are one and the same but they are opposites. Infatuation fires up fast but fizzles away. Love is a slow burner but endures.

Some people thrive on being infatuated. If they aren't infatuated then they start looking elsewhere, confusing it for love.

Could he have got over the novelty of you already? Is his eye starting to dart about?
Probably.
I'd never trust any man who told me loved me at the beginning. It's incredibly shallow.

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pictish · 27/04/2015 20:03

Nothing wrong with being exclusive after four months at all.
Am concerned about early proclamations of love though.

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tigerbear · 27/04/2015 20:08

CMOt - I know, especially after I told him it was possible to so.

Pictish - he told me he loved me between the first and second date! Hmm

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pictish · 27/04/2015 20:39

He'd have got the Confused face back if it were me.

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pictish · 27/04/2015 20:41

Before I dumped him for living in a children's story.

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tigerbear · 27/04/2015 21:20

Pic - It does seem a bit odd now, reflecting back.
Not sure what to think now.

An MN'er has agreed to message him, so we'll see what happens...

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NoArmaniNoPunani · 27/04/2015 21:26

Hope its the answer you want OP

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tigerbear · 27/04/2015 21:30

Thank you NoArmani (LOVE your username, btw!)

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/04/2015 21:37

Oh dear. I'm afraid you've fallen for a 'romantic'. He comes on strong and fast, sweeping you off your feet and overcoming your natural reticence. You feel wonderful...for a couple of months. Then he starts to blow cold because the high is wearing off and he'd addicted to it. It's confusing and hurtful but once you have been through it you can recognise the signs. Sorry.

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tigerbear · 27/04/2015 21:50

Ehric- you might be right - trouble is, I'm a romantic too. I get excited by the romance at the beginning, then tend to get bored and/or see all their faults that seemed invisible at the start, and call it off. Having said that, I was in a relationship and married for over 10 years, whilst new partner hasn't had a relationship beyond 9 months...

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cleanmyhouse · 27/04/2015 22:13

Em...

This is a bit weird. You haven't heard from him, so instead of actually speaking to him, you're setting someone on MN to do it?

I don't mean to seem unkind, but really?

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AyMamita · 27/04/2015 22:18

I agree with Ehric.

Also: why don't you just set up a new profile and catfish him?

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Whatsforsupper · 27/04/2015 22:28

I'm a male who uses SM.

I've never heard of anyone ' sending a message' to say 'Thanks but no thanks for a like'. That's just plain odd. He's replying in the hope they engage with him.

I think its wrong you are trying to catch him out you should talk to him.

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CMOTGilbertBlythe · 27/04/2015 22:38

I agree with Whatsforsupper, there's no reason to keep answering people unless he's still fishing, or out for an ego boost.

You've already spoken to him, and he's still got a dating profile, an active one. Not a great sign!

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