Going NC with somebody you can't seem to avoid?!

[Edenviolet]

I need to go NC with dsis....but, she lives nearby, shops where I do, often walks past my house to visit a relative and is just generally always around.

Unfortunately she's as toxic as they come and has really been horrifically so the last few months and the last fortnight has been in particular dreadful with her antics.
She's always been what I would call an attention seeker, and has always tried to compete with me/outdo me etc which I was able to ignore. She then started trying to ruin things for me and being a complete pain.

A few months ago whilst at my house one day she went through some letters and disclosed private info about us having ivf to all our family and friends and I was devastated. I postponed it to avoid feeling as if everybody was wondering had it worked etc and we began our cycle a couple of weeks ago. Dsis has been hateful, she at first said she was ill and kept wanting favours from family/friends, she kept asking where was I going/had I been if she saw me. Ifelt quite ill so she guessed what was going on. She then pretended for some reason she had gone on holiday (?) then turned up unannounced and thought it was funny that everyone was a bit

She then decided to text me all the time as to what was going on and begged to come with me to appts but I said no as dh was coming, she was angry. Then I was given a list of babynames that she wants to use one day and she started telling DM that various toys from our childhood, the old crib etc we slept in were hers??
I had my egg collection yesterday and got a horrible text from dsis today saying "hope it doesn't work" wtf??? I've spent the last half an hour crying, I'm hormonal anyway and I don't understand her.
DM thinks we should just "put up with her ways for a quiet life" but I can't. Just not sure how to go NC when I bump into her every couple of days.i just don't want to see her nasty vindictive face ever again.

[FenellaFellorick]

Tell your mum you'd have a quieter life without your sister in it!

Your mum isn't that good either if she'd rather see you shat upon than call your sister out on her disgusting behaviour.

You obviously have the drastic option of moving away.

If that isn't something you want to consider / isn't possible then you may just have to have a very difficult and unpleasant conversation telling her to stay away from you (with calling the police if she turns up at your house and behaves in a threatening manner) and ignore her if you see her.

there isn't an easy option, whatever you choose to do will involve a lot of stress and aggravation, but it's got to be better than a lifetime of this shit.

[Edenviolet]

Its all the "put up with it" rubbish from DM that doesn't help. To be honest sometimes I think dsis needs to be told to shut up and grow up but nobody seems brave enough.
I've had a rough time the last couple of weeks, am feeling very sorry for myself which doesn't help and rather than ask how iam DM us telling me how to keep dsis happy?!?! Apparently its hard for dsis not being centre of attention! Nobody would have known about my treatment if dsis hadn't told them yet when anyone asks she throws a tantrum.

Her comment today really upset me. I've just had enough. Moving seems very tempting. I know its probably seen as running away/letting her win but I won't be able to avoid her otherwise

[WhereYouLeftIt]

So sorry you are experiencing this.

"DM thinks we should just "put up with her ways for a quiet life""
TBH it seems to me that your mother is at the root of it all. Her attitude green-lights your sister's behaviour. Consider going NC with her too.

You can block your sister's number and just refuse to let her over your doorstep. That would be a start. Also, this type of person tends to pick a victim who will hide their pain through embarrassment/humiliation/misplaced loyalty to the wider family, then claiming their behavior had been taken the wrong way. I would drag her actions into the light for everyone to see. This exposes her, not you.

Personally, I would also consider moving away from the area, and probably telling every member of my family exactly why . And no, that doesn't mean that she has 'won'. It means that you have peace.

[FenellaFellorick]

bugger letting her win. Whatever gives you a happy life means YOU win!

Your mother does not appear to be your ally here, does she?

People become and remain shits at least in part because those around them pander to it. A bit of stfu and some consequences for unacceptable behaviour is always what's needed. Your mum is not doing her any favours here.

[Edenviolet]

I feel very fragile today, her comment about hoping ivf doesn't work for me really hurt. I know her opinion counts for nothing but it really really upset me. I got quite annoyed and rather than comfort or reassure me DM was just trying to persuade me not tackle dsis about the comment?

Why expose something someone was keeping private? Why all this pretending to go on holiday nonsense then turning up for the shock factor just to be centre of attention the mind boggles as to what's going on in her head. Why complain I'm getting attention and asked about my treatment when she was the one who brought it to everyone's attention??
And then I stupidly feel guilty for today telling DM that as far as I'm concerned I no longer have a dsis and that I consider DM to be a doormat. DM was really upset but I couldn't help it.

I need to move I think, even if its not a huge distance away just somewhere that I won't have to bump into her every couple of days

[Hidingmyidentity]

Block her number but save the text & make sure you show it to a gossipy relative who can spread the word about her. Don't let her operate in secret, let people around you know why you are hurt & upset.

What the heck is wrong with someone that would send a text like that to a sister going through ivf? It really is despicable.

[FenellaFellorick]

Your mum wants you to say nothing because that is what is easiest for her.

that is really selfish of her. I don't blame you for saying what you did. She needed to hear it.

[NancyDroop]

Oh OP I'm sorry your dsis is so horrible and your DM an enabler. I think you should move too. If these comments hurt you (which I fully understand) then they will be unbearable when you have a baby. A baby is always the centre of attention - surely your sister would hate that. I would be worried for my baby's safety in this scenario. Sorry.

[MonstrousRatbag]

Well, I fervently hope your IVF does succeed. So that's your weird sister cancelled out.

Who wins in this situation?

Your mother does. The push-pull between her daughters keeps your mother at the centre of things. You both confide your feelings, share your reactions, pass on messages. I don't suggest your mother is consciously manoeuvring to keep herself in that position, but unconsciously she probably does. And she's cowardly.

I suggest you go NC with your sister-no declarations, just do it. Get your DH to be a buffer between you if necessary, change your 'phone number (or give her her own ring tone and never answer her), don't answer the door to her.

Meanwhile, have a bit of distance from your mother including not giving her information or confiding your feelings. Try just batting the whole thing away if your mother raises it. Now that you have gone NC, your sister's reaction and opinions and feelings are no longer something you have to think about.

[BathTangle]

I thought my step sister was difficult and unreasonable in her behaviour but this sounds just ridiculous!

I lost my rag with my ssis yesterday: she phoned and was being very "poor little me" as always and rather than just put up with it for a quiet life as usual, I shouted at her. I must admit that calling her out on her unreasonable behaviour felt really good! I followed it up with an email with a very clear and reasonable explanation of how unreasonable her behaviour is and how much it hurts people: could you do this, perhaps copying it in to your mum? Like you I am not in a position to cut her out of my life but now I know I can just be a broken record and keep referring her back to my email when she gets upset about something.

I hope your IVF is completely successful

[nicenewdusters]

Good on you for what you said to your Mum. Your sister's behaviour is disgusting and your mother's defence of her inexcusable.

If you can move and it gives you peace of mind then why not consider it. You moving is not them winning. Nobody wins here. You however will have removed yourself, and your child, from a malign influence. I'd call your sister out on her comments and make sure anyone that matters knows exactly what she's said.

[Edenviolet]

I do think moving is my only option. DM did point out to me today that if I cut contact with dsis that I will look like the bad person. Tbh I don't think I care any more.

Think I will keep my head down and get through the next few weeks then start making plans and get away from all this

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"DM did point out to me today that if I cut contact with dsis that I will look like the bad person."
Your mother is a nasty, blinkered, MISTAKEN person . Sorry OP, but she really is.

You will absolutely NOT look like the bad person. I suspect that what she is worried about is that SHE will look like the bad person, allowing one daughter to hound the other whilst she sits back and does SFA. I doubt you're the only one she's bleated to about "put up with her ways for a quiet life" .

I know you're feeling as if your privacy is completely invaded already, but I urge you to be absolutely honest with your wider family about what is happening. They will surely be more supportive than your mother.

Oh, and well done for the doormat comment to her. It was justified.

[Meerka]

DM did point out to me today that if I cut contact with dsis that I will look like the bad person

after your sister hoped the egg collection fails??!??!


Your sister is choosing her path in life and it's appallingly selfish, selfcentred and unkind.

Your mother is however not the loving mother you think she is. Love does not mean telling someone to put up with texts like 'hope your egg collection fails". Love does not mean becoming a doormat.

Someone here is going to look like the bad person but it's not going to be you.

as someone said, do NOT delete that text.

[Edenviolet]

Yes, DM was aware of the text when she told me to put up with things and that I will look like the bad person by not speaking to dsis. I think unfortunately DM and dsis feed off each other, they argue a fair amount but when it comes down to it enable each other to behave a certain way.
I'm better off out of it and just letting them self destruct

[Meerka]

it's a hell of a tall order to move but it might well vastly improve your life.

at a guess, they'll go crazy trying to get you to play along with them (because your mother really is enabling her, as you've realised) and you'll have a battle until you can get them to back the hell off. But your sister is far, far beyond the pale. This level of destructiveness is exactly that - purely destructive. If you and your husband want a pleasant life, you have to excise it.

[NancyDroop]

OP, it would be sad to have you posting on here in a year's time: my dsis and dm are ruining my first days with my precious new baby! There are a lot of threads like that here and they make me so sad. From what you've described so far, I worry that they will make your life miserable wrt a baby - I think it is time to NC now and have that be well established by the time a baby arrives.

What if they insist on taking the baby away, to "let you rest" or to "get to know the baby" or whatever stupid reason? Not let you know where they are, returning late, telling you that you are silly for being upset because "they only meant to help" whilst secretly enjoying causing strife and suffering.

And surely they will ridicule your every parenting steps: holding baby wrong, wrong clothes, wrong nap technique, wrong feeding technique, telling people something is "wrong" with your baby, that you're a bad mother in a huge variety if ways?

I'm sorry my imagination has become so vivid on this, but can you really risk this every day?

And all that is before they can start talking to you child, telling them how they love them more than mummy, how they are bad or mummy is bad.....

So much heartache. Free yourself from this horror to protect yourself and your family.

Sending lots of good karma for your egg collection!!!

[nicenewdusters]

Trust me, after I went NC with somebody people were queuing round the block to tell me they'd always disliked/mistrusted/avoided them. You say little except the truth, the bare bones of why the person is not in your life. You know you're justified in walking away, everybody else's opinion is just that - an opinion.