Ending a relationship, even if you love that person

[eeyoreandpoohbear]

Ending a relationship because you know it's not right for you, not healthy for you and realistically there is no future - despite that you love this person - anyone been here? Any thoughts please:)

[CheersMedea]

If it's "not healthy for you", are you sure it's love? Rather than infatuation or obsession or an unhealthy personal dynamic that triggers an emotional response in you.

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

Yes me!

Although I think my very low self esteem made me stay waaaaaay longer than I should of done.

When I left it broke my heart, I could actually feel pain.

When I look back now I think "holy shit! That guy was a fucking scum bag and nearly killed me!"

[eeyoreandpoohbear]

That would make sense, I think he was everything my ex wasn't and was nice to me having been treated like poo for so many years, it's still a novelty and I don't want to let go, afraid that's it now. I don't know:(

[eeyoreandpoohbear]

How true joy, my self esteem was low too when I met him - he was so nice to me it was a novelty:) I ended it because in the time I was with him I was getting my life back together - I got myself a job, started college, saved really hard and have finally manage to leave relatives and have home for dcs and me, he was also getting his life back together but didnt actually do anything - he is still in the same position he was a year ago(gone back if anything) with no job, no intention of getting one, living on benefits and spending it on what he pleases, I sound like such a snob but it didn't make sense to me

[smoothieooo]

In a quandary about that at the moment... Not right, not particularly healthy (I do love him but get far too much pleasure from the fact that our relationship really pisses ex-H off) but on the plus side we are old friends who get on extremely well and he's essentially a lovely guy.

Realistically there is no future - it's a big problem for me that although I love being with him, I don't particularly enjoy sex with him, so our whole relationship only works at the moment because we don't see each other often.

[whatadrain]

I was literally going to post about this very thing. Ending my five year marriage this evening and feel numb and terrible as I know it will break his heart. I just can't carry on like it any more. We both deserve better and so do the kids.

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

your well rid! My ex was similar. Don't look back keep looking forward - that's where your future is

[Monty27]

Yes I've done it. It took me two years to recover.

He was awful to my teen son
I didn't trust him with money

So I dumped him. It wasn't easy but it had to be done. And like joyful I look back now and think what a prick he was.

It took me longer to dump him than it should have because he had a very ill close relative.

[eeyoreandpoohbear]

Not just me then. I have dcs too, I feel he wouldn't be the best influence for them, after all we have been through I was really afraid he would end up indirectly moving in, which wouldn't have been a good idea because I don't think I would have been able to tell him to leave:( not quite strong enough or ready for a proper relationship, that's the conclusion I am coming to - but it was nice for a while

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

I let mine move in and he would not leave. As it was a council house he would say "you don't own the house the council do - no I'm not leaving' . I was very young early twenties and my parents had a shit relastionship so I just put up with it. I really wish I'd been on MN then. I gathered up Dd in a quilt one night drive off in a taxi and left the lot. Which he later sold.

In The following few years after leaving ex I lurched from one arse hole to another as I really didn't give myself time to heal. Then after a while DP walked in to my life and put me back together.

You will get there in the end !

[eeyoreandpoohbear]

Thank you:)

[thegreysheep]

I still love my pa ex, though it's still early days. Since we broke up we are getting on ok as friends and sometimes it feels hard, but I think back to the relationship and it was far below what I or anyone deserves, andthe contempt and lalack of care and respect he treated me with towards the end makes me sure that while I love him, or maybe it's just the familiarity, the relationship was really bad for me and I don't want to go back there.
It sounds like you have your head screwed on right, and best to get out before youre in too deep. It will be sad but once you've had a bit of distance you'll look back and thank yourself. Like me, maybe you're thinking back to how things were in the honeymoon period, rather than accepting the reality of how your relationship is now, and likely to be for the future.
It took me a long time to accept this, but once I did it made it easier to make the right decision.

[Monty27]

EEyore you do sound very sensible to me. Always put your dc's first. That's what gave me the strength.

That guy that I dumped was becoming an EA as well. He just had to go and I knew it.

Be strong. Love yourself.

[DavidTennantsBeard]

I am in an awful dilemma over this. I was fairly determined to end my marriage and my husband has convinced me to go to couples counselling as a bid to save it.

The thing is I think its only going to help us understand why we have problems but I'm not sure it can fix them or deal with the fact that I have fallen out of love with him after 20 years of passivity and poor me from him.

I would be lonely if we split up and I don't want to hurt him. But I'm not sure thats enough for the rest of my life.

[Monty27]

You don't sound fulfilled David. Your call.