Online dating making me nervous. Can anyone relate?

[LucieMay88]

I have been single for about 7 months after my last relationship ended very abruptly when my ex left me for someone else. It took me a while to get over it and now I'm starting to feel ready to date again.

Due to a busy career and not having much opportunity to meet men in real life, I turned to online dating. After a lot of searching I've found someone who seems nice and we've exchanged a few messages. He's asked to go out for a drink and I said we could go sometime and now he's asked for my number so we can arrange something.

This has made freeze completely. I feel so scared but I don't know why. It's ridiculous. He lives about 50 minutes away so that's making me anxious for a start. My ex blamed me for the breakup, saying I never had any time for him and I honestly don't know if I will have time to meet up with this man regularly if things went well. I'm worried about giving a virtual stranger my number. I'm now considering deleting my account altogether as I can't seem to feel ok about any of it.

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable with online dating? I feel a bit pathetic. I know it's not a competition but my ex moved on straightaway and got his new partner pregnant within a few months.

I just want that 'relationship feeling' with someone as I'm feeling quite alone. How can I get that when any sign of that happening sends me running for the hills?! Is it just me who is like this?

[pocketsaviour]

Do you think that you're ready to date if you're having these feelings of anxiety before even giving someone your number?

Genuine question. I tried going on a date about 6 months after my last relationship ended, it was a mistake. I'm still not ready now and it's been 2 years.

[LucieMay88]

Perhaps it is too early. I still think about my ex a lot but it seems too depressing to think I can't move on with my life and have a new relationship. Mutual friends sometimes ask if I'm seeing someone new but I have to say no. I sometimes think people are looking at me pityingly.

Friends keep telling me I need to find a nice new partner. I do want that but I'm anxious at the same time. I'm in my late 20s with no prospect of getting engaged or married soon. It's a time when people are settling down and it's hard to see that around me and worry that I'm going to be left behind.

[elsabelle]

Hi LucieMay, i think we chatted a few months ago when we were both posting about our breakups and broken hearts! How are you doing? I am still struggling but surviving.

I have done a bit of OLD too in a bid to try and move forward too, esp as my ex is also happily shacked up with the OW. I'm mid 30s so feel your pain about everyone else being settled down (well, most of my friends) and clock ticking etc. Ive met a few nice people and had some pleasant dates but no sparks with anyone yet.

I reckon dont rush it but also a bit of dating might be a distraction (good or bad, its gives you something to focus on and laugh / cry about!). I also used to feel nervous about giving people my number but no-ones ever abused that, its just good to have so you can text a bit before you meet up (or speak to them) and then for the actual date incase one of you is running late or something.

[Purpleboa]

Hi LucieMay. I think I read an earlier thread by you? It sounded like you were in a bad place then. I totally get why you'd want to get back into the dating scene. However, I do think it sounds like you're not ready.

When my ex broke up with me, only to move on suspiciously quickly, I threw myself back into dating. As Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman: big, huge mistake. The first time I had sex with someone who wasn't my ex, I ended up in tears. Yes, during. I then got into a relationship 8 months after we split because I felt I should (and I'd heard through the grapevine that my ex and my replacement were still going strong). I lasted three years on and off in this relationship, which was toxic at its worst, and two people who didn't really know each other at its best.

Came out of it at 32, and felt so much better for it. That's when I met the man who is now my DH. We are expecting our first child together at 35.

Anyway, this is my long winded way of saying please don't panic! Late 20s is do young and you have it all ahead of you, I promise. Sure, it may seem like everyone around you is coupled up but things change - many of the relationships I knew in my 20s are over. Your time WILL come...but you need to come to terms and make peace with your pain.

As for online dating, avoid if you are not ready! You need to have a tough skin and be in the right place mentally.

The very best of luck to you, but I really believe it's all going to work out for you xxx

[DollyRocker1]

Hi Lucie May, I also felt similar to you. After my first online date I burst into tears on the way home as it felt wrong to be on a date. But I do think that your first date is going to feel a bit emotional regardless as it's a step to moving on.

A bit of topic - ElsaBelle mentioned about not finding someone yet with whom she had a spark. Is it realistic to expect a spark during a coffee date? If I enjoyed a guy's company and we had a good time and he was easy on the eye, I would quite happily meet up for a second time to see how things developed. But this isn't the approach most people take. I just ask because I tend to become more attracted to someone one I've started to build a rapport.

[Wrapdress]

I am online dating too and personally I wouldn't bother with a man so far away. I can do a search for all men between 47-54 (I'm 51) within 10 miles of my house and get 1200 hits, so no need to go the distance. Harder to vet their claims, too. (Claim of being single, claim of having a job, claim of not having a police record, claim of not having children, etc.)

Don't put all of your eggs into this one basket located 50 miles away. Most exchanges with men from OLD will fizzle out. One second you think a man has potential and you feel like you really connect and the next second he's poofed away with no explanation. This is why people say OLD is a numbers game.

You do not have to give your number out. Make a date to meet up with just communicating within your OLD service.

[ThenThereWereEight]

Why not buy a cheap pat-as-you-go phone for now and use that number? You'd feel less exposed.

[ThenThereWereEight]

*pay-as-you-go!

[LucieMay88]

Thanks for your advice everyone, there are some really encouraging comments here and I feel much better

I think that maybe I'm forcing myself to move on too quickly. I don't think it's normal to feel this scared about dating. Perhaps it's because I've never really done the whole dating thing - I met all of my exes from real life situations like work, social groups or uni. It's hard to meet people in a forced situation with no context.

Hopefully it will all work out in the end though. Mentally I'm in a much better place than where I was a few months ago when my relationship ended. I've made some changes in my own life (left a job I was unhappy at and started a business, in the process of moving house etc) so I think it was a good thing in many ways as it's made me focus on myself.

[LL0015]

My first online date was terrifying, arranging it and meeting.
So easy to hide behind a keyboard etc.

Now I chat less online and try to move towards a phone call to see if I like the sound of them. Then arrange a date.

Don't expect to fall in love. Gotta meet a lot of frogs!

[spence82]

Have you tried the dating thread? There are alot of helpful people on there who offer advise and support etx

[confusedoflondon]

When I read threads like this I realise how very lucky both dp and I are to have found esch other online. I treated our first date as a night out with a mate so I did exactly what I would do - drink, laugh and be giddy!! No standing on ceremony. No awkward coffees. We went out, got trolleyed, slept together, then a couple of months later, fell in love Luckily we had instant chemistry but it we hadn't I still would have enjoyed it for what it was a night out and a new experience. Just be brave and remember what matters most is what YOU think of THEM. Be your adorable self and just enjoy

[confusedoflondon]

Also my dp lives 60 miles away we see each other every week and we are very happy. ([ also got dumped by my ex and thought I'd never love again - I was very very very wrong )

[ALaughAMinute]

I can understand why online dating would make you feel nervous but if you want to meet someone you will have to feel the pain and do it anyway. Don't forget that they feel nervous too! You could always meet someone socially but that gets a lot harder as you get older.

A first date should always be kept low key and casual, a quick drink or coffee perhaps? Try it and see. It works for lots of people, why shouldn't it work for you?

[AyMamita]

I don't give guys I meet online my real number. I have a special PAYG dating phone! Could you do this? I'm also cagey about where I live (including on my dating profile - I have myself one town over from the one I actually live in).

[Ouchbloodyouch]

I was still posting about my ex when I received an OLD message from someone very funny who caught my eye.
Three days later we arranged a date. The night I went I had a near panic attack at the thought of going on the date. I had a happy life aside from pining for my ex.
I went on the date. Im still seeing him. I'm very happy!
But had it been a disaster it would still have been the right thing to do. After all nothing ventured nothing gained!