The thing I don't get is that abusive XH treats me as if I am the Antichrist

[PoppyField]

I know the clue is in the word 'abusive' but I still find it hard to believe the way he is, years down the line.

I am three whole years out of an emotionally abusive marriage. He became the 'real' DH soon after our first dc was born. I was confused and vulnerable and couldn't understand what I was doing wrong, and spent a lot of time desperately trying to smooth things over, trying to create an image of the happy family life I wanted so much.

Also, I was desperate for the 'old' DH, the one who I fell in love with and the one that fell in love with me, back. It took me a long time to realise he was never coming back.

He ticked all the EA boxes. Bully, angry, controlling, alienating my friends and family, hate-filled.

I understand all these things. I became a shell of my former self: cringeing, unconfident, stammering, tearful and anxious at every turn. I couldn't understand why he was acting as if he hated me. The usual.

He made the divorce, after I finally came to my senses, as difficult and unpleasant as possible. He pulled out of agreements that were 99% done at the last minute, he was hostile, obstructive and aggrieved.

And yes, I have read Lundy Bancroft, and done therapy etc (tho' not so far the Freedom Programme) ... but what I cannot get my head around is why he persists in treating me as the Anti-Christ. He doesn't ring the children because he would have to talk to me first on the phone, he doesn't liaise about dates and weekends, he won't ask me how they are getting on at school. He barely looks at me and he never greets me during the handovers, which I try to keep as short as possible, away from the home. His manner is one of threat. He can be vicious at the drop of a hat. The children have been witness to this.

I suppose I'm asking... how long can he keep this up? If the answer is 'forever', then my question is how can I insulate myself further? I do my best to fence him off in my head, but I still find I spend far too much energy thinking about him and why he is like this.

Do I need a kick up the bum? Big Girl pants? What?

[FenellaFellorick]

He behaves like this because as you say, he's an abuser.
He hates the fact you got free. You were never supposed to stop taking it.
Also he has to make you the bad guy in order to avoid accepting that he is abusive. To maintain a fiction of himself that he can live with where he's a decent guy misunderstood and mistreated by an unreasonable woman.

[LadyBlaBlah]

He hates the fact you finally stood up to him.
He is almighty powerful remember?

[GoatsDoRoam]

Yes, he can keep this up forever: it's who he is.
You can insulate yourself by accepting that this is who he is, so it is no longer upsetting, but expected. (...successfully detaching usually happens after a phase where you spend a lot of energy on anger.)

He doesn't ring the children because he would have to talk to me first on the phone, he doesn't liaise about dates and weekends, he won't ask me how they are getting on at school.

This really shows just how little he cares about the children.
If he really wanted to speak to them, speaking to you first wouldn't be an issue, or hardly an issue at all. Instead, he makes the kids suffer just to make a point about how distasteful it is to speak to you... or perhaps it's the other way around: he uses his distaste for you as an excuse not to do something he actually can't be bothered with in the first place (contacting the kids).
Either way, he's a dick.
Dicks behave like dicks. Think this, with a mental shrug, whenever he displays his dickish behaviour.

He barely looks at me and he never greets me during the handovers, which I try to keep as short as possible, away from the home.

You're handling handovers well in practical terms, well done.
In emotional terms: who gives a fuck whether he looks at you with calf's eyes, or not at all. Not. Your. Problem.

His manner is one of threat. He can be vicious at the drop of a hat. The children have been witness to this.

'Oh look, here he goes being an abusive dick, with no concern for his own children. Twat. Now, what more important things do I have to focus on again...?'

[flora717]

He cannot abide the fact he has no power over you and is using whatever he can to grab some. Once I stopped chasing for contact and responded to every threat (court related) as "OK, I'll expect that letter then". He has ramped it down even more. Or I just don't give a fuck about his opinion, so I don't get sucked in to a situation where we actually have a conversation. When you say vicious, does he threaten the DC? I'd be concerned there.

[PoppyField]

Thank you Fenella and LadyBla. You've no idea how much I still need people to keep telling me these things.

I think I'm going through a rather cross "It's just so unfair!" stage.

[PoppyField]

No, flora, he is only vicious to me. Although being vicious to me in front of the children is pretty shitty for them.

Goats you are spot-on. I needed that. Yeah - detachment is what I seek and what I appear to be wrestling with atm.

[Handywoman]

It helps me to look at my ex and his stupid beard, stupid new wardrobe, stupid new tattoos, stupid hats and feel pity that he still has so much growing up to do. I am lucky that my ex has, truly, reinvented himself. He is essentially putting on a act (again) which is probably why he's so shit at life. It's laughable. I just turn away and carry on, being an adult, living an authentic life, growing, changing, and enjoying my life (which includes wonderful friends and a new man, who is a million times the man my ex could ever hope to be) and bringing up the kids, with all the rewards that it brings. I really couldn't give a fck about the ex. He's a nob. In this place, Poppyfield* lies peace.

[holdyourown]

no advice I'm afraid but I totally understand where you're coming from as it sounds just like the behaviour of my exh, who left me for OW and does this whole act years later. It does get easier with time the more you detach and the more independent you get, but it is hard and so frustrating and unfair

[Skiptonlass]

Men like this cannot accept that they were in the wrong. They have to have an alternative mental narrative (the wife stops me seeing the kids, woe is me, etc)

In your case that alternative narrative is that you are the bad one. You're not, of course, but in his warped little mind that's easier to process than the fact that he was abusive/wrong etc.

The best revenge really is living well. Seems like you are doing that, so carry on, and see his tantrums as just that - childish behaviour that reminds you why you left, how much better you are out of it, etc. every single time, remind yourself that that is what you have become free of, and congratulate yourself on breaking free.

His behaviour in front of the children is a little trickier - what exactly are we talking about here? Can it be defused / negated with humour "oh silly daddy, of course x isn't true!" Or are we talking something that is really concerning?

[Squeegle]

I understand where you're coming from too. My ex was abusive, alcoholic, let me down so many times.... I honestly was always kind, supportive etcetera . He looks at me now as if I was dirt, tells me it's my fault the kids are naughty, is never at all friendly. It is as though he hates me. It is puzzling, and I suppose the reason is that he has to hate me to justify himself. You're not alone...

[Handywoman]

I think part of the problem with these men is the self deception where they don't even realize that they ooze contempt and anger, even when it comes from every pore. That's certainly the case with my ex.

I recently ended up 'having it out' with my ex (he was being an idiot about the divorce). He said he 'genuinely' doesn't hate me.... Er..... Except that he does, he hates everything that I stand for ie being a good parent with a good relationship with my dc.

All you can do really is get to a place of feeling 'meh' about them

[iloverunning36]

I am in similar position to you, it's so unfair the way they behave. Love the post by goats do roam. to you and well done for managing to do handovers, I'm sure you will look back on this and be amazed at how you managed to keep your dignity while dealing with his terrible behaviour. My ex makes my blood boil and makes me more angry than I've ever been.

[yummytummy]

my ex is also like this. its true they just cant stand the fact that they don't have you around to constantly abuse any more so even during that limited handover time they have to maximise their nastiness in order to hurt you as much as possible in as short a time. mine was horrendous when together but since the split he has been unbelievable. I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier to stay and put up with it. but yes seems they are all the same especially with the not phoning as its your number they have to phone. now when I see his number I just pass phone straight to ds to speak.

I think we are supposed to try and detach but it is unbelievably hard after life of being controlled and intimidated by these idiots. the fear never really goes

[Fooshufflewickbannanapants]

My ex has managed it for 13 years so far! I just think what a sad little ranty nan, it alsomeams I must be fucking awesome in every way as he is STILL obsessed with anything I'm doing despite being 're married.

I just know I'm soooo interesting he can't help being a total nobber

[Fooshufflewickbannanapants]

Man not nan?!?!

[loveareadingthanks]

It's because no one likes to have to face up to being a bastard, so they invent a whole new narrative where they aren't to blame for anything. It's a lack of self awareness and being too afraid to take a proper look at themselves and their actions. It's delusional thinking. A normal person who's done something wrong feels guilty about it - they are too weak to be able to deal with that. They'll invent the most ridiculous stories in their heads instead.

It's not about you at all.

If you need an example to see how ridiculous their thoughts are then I'll tell you about the list I found after ex had an affair and left me for OW, but decided it was all my fault. I call it his hate list. Over 50 of my 'faults' and 'bad things' about me. A few were true; I have my faults. Most were things that were true but not things I'd call faults (e.g. 'reads too much'). Then there's another little group of invented things, stuff he twisted around out of nothing. These are the ones who show you how their minds are working. Apparently I 'hate old people'. I know exactly where this came from. We were discussing holidays and he wanted to go on a coach tour in Europe. My idea of hell (always travelled independently). One of the reasons I gave him for not wanting to go on a coach tour is that they are aimed at people who are unable to travel by themselves, mostly older people go on them when they aren't so mobile any more, and I don't want a holiday where I'm mostly just sitting on a coach looking out of the window. That turned into my hating old people.

It's comical, really. Such delusions to try and make themselves feel better.

He has a little narrative he's made up about you, because otherwise he might have to deal with knowing he's behaved badly. It's his problem. His mental health. His cowardice.

Easy to say ignore it, but it's all you can do.