Over reaction? So angry (in law related)

[ClareAbshire]

I need some perspective on this. have NC as details on previous username might out me and don't really want to be outed.

Got a 11 month old little boy, and next month we are having a humanist naming ceremony for him. It's been being planned for around six months and we've asked our sisters- me and DP have one each- to be guardians, which involves taking part in the ceremony.

DPs sister and he were previously close (as I am- very close- to my own sister) but since meeting her new boyfriend about six months ago she's become increasingly distant and offensive (he's very misoginistic, macho, a bit racist, pretty thick). She's become more and more involved with his terrible friends and is heavily involved in his hobbies (including some campaigning with UKIP. Charming!) telling you this so you understand what's going on in terms of her "moving away" from relationship with DP. Since all this she's increasingly uninterested in speaking to or seeing DP and our son (who, I should add, is her one and only niece/nephew).

Anyway she's just, over lunch, announced that she's booked a holiday with her boyfriend and it coincides with the naming ceremony. I was very, very angry and had to politely excuse myself before I said something I would regret, as this is the final straw for me... Six long months of mucking DP about and not bothering to get in touch to see him or our son. I know my DP is crushed. I'm not naive enough to think that the naming ceremony means as much to anyone else as it does to me and DP but I'm seething with rage and can't see a way forward for our relationship with her. Where do we go from here? All advice welcome. It doesn't help that I know my sister would never ever do anything like this.

[Twitterqueen]

I think you need to lighten up. I think you are over-reacting and being very critical and judgemental. OK you have right to be pissed off about the ceremony but as you say yourself, it's your baby, not DP's sis. Also, her choice of boyfriend is nothing to do with you.

And as for "not seeing a way forward..." really? My nieces are nephews are lovely but tbh, before I had children myself I wasn't particularly bothered about them.

You sound very controlling. Just choose someone else to be the guardian.

[Smartiepants79]

I can understand why you are so angry. She seems to not be very interested in being a guardian. I do think you will need to take your cue from your DP though. It's his family. He needs to decide how it is dealt with.
If he wants to choose someone else to take part in the ceremony then that's up to him.
She has behaved badly. A holiday could have been taken at any other point. Did she explain why she had chosen to completely ignore a pre-arranged date?

[wellcoveredsparerib]

I think this will work out for the best in the long run. Did you really want her to be a guardian to your son if she is so unreliable and has rather dodgy views. Now you don't have to withdraw the invitation and you can choose someone more suitable.

[MissDemelzaCarne]

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape as regards choice of guardian.

[Twitterqueen]

And just one more thought: your PFB is obviously (and rightly) the centre of your universe. But it is YOUR universe - not anyone else's. And you should not expect him to take priority with anyone else - no matter how close you both are you to your DSis's. And I think you are being unreasonable not to understand that for DP's sis, the centre of HER universe is her boyfriend, and whether or not YOU like him is irrelevant.

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

I'd agree your child does not deserve a UKIP campaigner as a moral guardian.

Your DP must be so disappointed, I hope you and he can find another guardian who really appreciates being asked to do such a responsible job.

I would limit time with DP sister until and unless she dumps the boyfriend and regains her common sense.

[AlternativeTentacles]

Id be glad to be honest.

[TracyBarlow]

It would be a relief to me also. I'd crack on regardless.

[rootypig]

I always find the timings of things like this interesting. Perhaps you and DP having a child has, in however subconscious a way, made her feel she needs to throw herself into her own life more. Or perhaps it's more passive aggressive than that - maybe she feels excluded, or overwhelmed by the role she's being cast in. Maybe she thinks you're OTT parents . Lots of possibilities.

Am not suggesting that you explore any of this with her, or even dwell on it yourself, but consider that a new child in a family can change things in subtle ways. Everyone's bumped up a generation, some people shift out a bit.

Take a breath, live and let live, and remain open to a relationship with her that's not simply on your terms.

[nicenewdusters]

Lucky escape I'd say. Just be a sympathetic ear to your DP. He probably knows how rubbish it looks to you that she's opted out, so hopefully you can choose somebody together who would be interested in being a moral guardian to your son.

[MarianneSolong]

The words 'UKIP' and 'guardian' do not belong in the same sentence.

[BettyCatKitten]

Marianne

[ClareAbshire]

Thanks for perspectives all. I have cooled down a little bit now. I promise I'm not precious, and as I said in my OP I do know that this is t as a important to everyone else as to us.... I just thought better of her from the point of view that she and DP used to be so close and he is utterly gutted that she's choosing a holiday over attending this event- however dopy and unimportant it might seem to other people. DP was the one who said he couldn't see a way forward with her after this, so I'm only following his lead there. I do think I would feel the same if my sister did it though.

Her boyfriend is a twat but that's a whole other thread!

[DeckSwabber]

It's crap behaviour.

I'd suggest a word to her ON HER OWN about how disappointed you feel as this was a lifelong commitment you had in mind and you both feel let down. Maybe new boyfriend is insecure and throwing his weight about a bit.

[Bogeyface]

She was close to her brother, agreed to be guardian to your child, was in touch regularly and often. Met new boyfriend, starts distancing from the family, goes on holiday on a day she knows is important, has more time for him and his friends than her brother.

I suspect that this may not be her in its entirety. Smells if a controlling man trying to isolate her to me, misogynistic men are not generally known to be good at equal caring and generous relationships with their girlfriends/wives.

[Invizicat]

I don't think you're being PFB. Her behaviour is a direct and deliberate snub and just incredibly rude.

If someone is invited to play a role in a family ceremony (godparent/bridesmaid whatever) and accepts the offer but then decides that they have a better offer or would rather be on holiday, the only thing for them to do is apologetically explain how disappointed they are but that they will no longer be able to carry out the role. They should follow this up with a decent explanation (pregnancy, hospitalisation or family emergency abroad perhaps?) and adding how touched and honoured they were to be asked and a generous present. You don't just breezily mention you've booked a holiday unless you want to hurt.

She sounds awful. Your dc deserves better.

[Heels99]

Well this is a great result as you wouldn't want her to be a key figure in your child's life as she has terrible judgement.
Crack in without her.

[Heels99]

And now the twat boyfriend won't have to come, double result

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

I think Bogeyface makes a good point. Alienating their partner from friends and family is the modus operandi of abusive misogynists.

So by all means choose another guardian but keep the door open.

[Cocodidit]

Oh god Inlaws, mine refused to come to my second childs christening cos none of them were asked to be godparent!
Best thing ever happened, didn't have to pay for ten extra dinners (big family) at the restaurant and have not seen them since. That's three years ago. People are lunatics and Inlaws are even more mental.

[griselda101]

find someone else more appropriate and she'll probably be pissed off as you are about it.

i would also halt contact with her if that's possible (until she leaves this guy but sounds like she's already indoctrinated into his world!).

And breathe a sigh of relief she's not going to be his guardian!

[SirChenjin]

Agree with most of the above. This sounds as if she's hitched herself to a particularly unpleasant, controlling, manipulative man - so whilst I can imagine how hurtful it is for you, I would thank your lucky stars that she is out of the picture wrt the naming ceremony and in the meantime be civil (in case she needs a family to come back to) but keep her at arms length.

[ClareAbshire]

I'm glad so many of you agree that the behaviour is shoddy and that going NC wouldn't be an over the top reaction. It's such a shitty situation for all of us but especially DP.

I do agree that the boyfriend could be abusive and pulling her strings- DP and I have discussed whether this could be the case- but her and DPs parents are pretty dysfunctuonal and when DP floated the worrying idea to them his dad said he just didn't understand the boyfriends behaviour because he's "a real man" and DP is "soft" because of the job he does (he does a traditionally female job and his dad ribs him constantly about it). So really, the whole family are dickheads, it's just that the sister is now showing her dickhead colours and the boyfriend seems to be a catalyst for this.

[DrMorbius]

Not everybody sees these big events the same. Although the naming day (ref Game of Thrones) is big to you, your DP's sister obviously has an entirely different view. For what it's worth (May out myself here) I was playing football on our local field and forgot my own brothers Christening. My mum went mad :-)

[3littlefrogs]

You really don't want this person to be a guardian to your child, so perhaps it is all for the best.