Time to let go of an old friend?

[maggiethemagpie]

I have been friends with X for a long time, maybe 12 years. I have known her partner even longer. The last few years it just seems like the friendship has 'diminishing returns'. We are invited to their house less and less, even though we have invited them to our house for new years/ dinner/barbeques. They only invite us when it's a big 'invite everyone you know' type gathering, never anything more intimate. They never reciprocate when we have invited them to dinner just the two families. They had in the past but not for a couple of years now.

X just seems to have become very indifferent. 9 times out of 10 I have to do the organising/inviting, actually more recently it is more like 10/10. X got in touch recently, but only to ask to borrow a suitcase and that hurt because I so wanted her to say 'do you have time for a cuppa and a chat'. but no she only wanted to come round and pick up the suitcase, no frills.

Anyway, fool that I am, I said we should get together after her holiday. She came and went, heard nothing. Messaged her to ask her how her holiday was and she replied saying fine how are you, but no mention of getting together. I replied suggesting we meet up (fool that I am), got a 'got to rush out now will reply later' message. Then nothing. Radio silence.

I am so fed up of trying to organise things with someone who clearly doesn't really care, it's humiliating and hurtful.

We've been friends for a while and our daughters were born two months apart, so i'm not thinking never to see her again, but I really don't think I have the energy to keep trying to stay in touch. Feels like a bit of a watershed moment for me.

Having someone indifferent to you can be worse than being hated, at least with the latter you still matter!

Am I right to think I should 'cull' this friend or at least demote to 'aquaintance'?

[SycamoreMum]

Friendships like relationships fizzle out. Just withdraw and wait for her to come to you if anything. And don't lend her anymore stuff.

[TheHappinessTrap]

It's sad isn't it. I was in a group of three for ages, then I became the social glue and I didn't mind. Then I stopped. We didn't see each other for ages. One friend contacted to ask whether she'd been dumped, had the other two been meeting up without her, etc., I rang in response to her text and we caught up and she cried, calling herself a bad friend. We made "plans to make plans" to do something. I texted her some details for her consideration. Never heard back. If she phoned today I'd be happy to hear her news but I don't want to be the social glue. The other one of the 3 went a bit bonkers, always making plans and cancelling them, apologising, doing it again. I moved her from Weekend Friend Time to Week Night Friend Time so her cancellations didn't matter to me, I then moved her to Week Night Strictly After Work, and she dropped away shortly after that!

[KikitheKitKat]

Everything nickers said except I would say if she does ever text you, don't ignore but just reply the same way she would to you, e.g. "fine thanks, all the best to you and yours".

[Ratracerunner]

I'm sorry, it does feel awful, almost like a rejection (which I suppose it is in a way) but it's no reflection on you. It's just life, time, other factors and like it has been said, friendships move on.

I have recently dumped two flaky friends. I told them exactly why I wouldn't be staying in contact and I 'took the power back'. It felt good.

I was tired of making all the effort, getting cancelled at the last minute, waiting for them to always turn up late. I reasoned that my time is as important as theirs and in fact, their friendship had become a negative in my life.

And it's a rule that I kick all negatives out as fast as possible.

I'm much happier now.

[springydaffs]

Poor you, so hurtful. Especially the suitcase - cheeky cow. Yuk.

This has nothing to do with you. Do you really want to be friends with someone who is so cavalier with you, who shows no respect? All her stuff btw, nothing to do with you.

It hurts though. Pick yourself up and go make friends with people who have some manners, who value their friends.

[maggiethemagpie]

It is sad. I feel like I'm grieving. I can kind of accept friendships fizzling out when they're superficial, or recent, but somehow expected more of an old-timer. It's not even like I want to hang out all the time, every month or two is fine, so long as it's not always me doing the running.
Although we spent more time together when our daughters were born, I went back to work full time at six months whereas she is a full time SAHM/works very occasionally.
She has a new bunch of SAHM friends now she regularly posts pics on facebook of, in fact that's where she was off to when she said she was too busy to reply properly to my message the other day.

[maggiethemagpie]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies.

It is very tempting to reply to her last message with something cutting like 'If you're not bothered let's leave it' but I'm not sure whether it's best just to leave it hanging? I usually have the last word but not sure whether that always serves me well! I'm trying to 'disengage with dignity' !

On another note, maybe I have let her take advantage of me. Her daughter was born two months after mine, and as I'm not having any more I pretty much let her have her pick of my daughter's clothes for the first year as we were always one size ahead. I doubt she actually bought any at all! And I gave her a bag of toys that should have gone to the charity shop. Mug, aren't i.

[gamerchick]

You've persevered longer than I do. When they just pop up to borrow stuff then it's time to bin.

Get your suitcase back if you haven't already and just delete. You'll feel sad at first but in time that hole will close. Stop tormenting yourself.

[Ratracerunner]

You're not a mug, you're a nice person. Some people just go with friendships that fit in with their life style at that time.

None of this is a reflection on you - these are her decisions and she sounds thoughtless and shallow.

Let the friendship go, or at the very least, leave it for her to make the effort. And try and put it out of your mind if you can, it's making you upset. She won't be sat at home worrying about your friendship, you can be sure of that.

Hope you feel better soon

[springydaffs]

No, that's what friends do. You weren't a mug.

I still have an old friend who royally took the piss some years ago. She was so taken up with her high life she didn't disguise she CBA. The low point was, after years of being a cheeky cow (and me distancing myself more and more) she texted me to ask for the number of a taxi company as she was staying practically up the road in a hotel with her husband. I didn't even know she was visiting my city. I didn't reply.

Then we had some fallow years and, guess what, her life hasn't turned out so well. I'm not crowing here. She is much more respectful these days and it's her who does the chasing. I love her and value our very long friendship but it is not what it was.

[maggiethemagpie]

I am thinking of asking for at least the toys back if not the clothes, saying I'd like them to go to charity. I work for a charity chain so I can say we're doing a stock drive or something.
I know it's passive aggressive, but that way maybe she'll wonder why I am suddenly asking for them back after giving them to her so freely before.
Also means I get to go round there to pick them up myself and not stop for coffee!

[AuntieDee]

I'm going through the same thing. It's hard when someone you care about someone who doesn't make any effort :( people change though and we find we no longer have things in common. My 'friend' has visited me twice in 10 years yet expected me to pop in and see her regularly. I'm just letting it fizzle :(

[AuntieDee]

Don't ask for the things back though - they were a gift...

[WistfulRune]

First off, you're not a mug. You sound like a good friend.

Second - I am always astonished that couples ever get on. The maths of it makes it SO improbable. i.e. if there is a '1 in 50' chance of you getting on with any random person then the chances of you getting on with a friend AND their partner are less than 2%. If you expect your own partner to also get on with them then you are looking at a small fraction of 1% chance. So, amazing that any couples actually even 'get on'. BTW, this doesn't factor in the fact that people change over time - that would really muck up the probability/maths thing - infinitely low likelihoods come springing to mind.

Third - look, under the calm exterior of any relationship, anything could be going on. So many relationships look 'fine' on the outside, but are in turmoil on the inside. You just do not know what is going on.

I would just go on being a friend and lower your expectations. A full on downgrade to 'acquaintance' seems excessive.

You sound as though you are expecting a little too much. You would probably be a lot happier if you lowered your expectations a little.

Good luck.

[springydaffs]

Oh no, don't do that. If you want to tell her she's hurting you then go ahead - but it would be pearls before swine imo, she wouldn't be interested and it is likely it would backfire spectacularly.

Just don't be available. She is behaving poorly and leave her to it. You're going to have to quietly get on with managing your sore heart, I'm afraid xx

[maggiethemagpie]

Thank you Wistful rune. I get what you're saying but I don't think my expectations are that high - as I said, I don't want to hang out all the time or anything. All I expect is some reciprocation/not all a one way street. Not even 50% reciprocation, but a little.

Personally I think that is reasonable. Of course, other people have different expectations / may not mind doing all the running but for me I do, I can't help how I feel and I just feel like I'm a mug if I'm always the one to be driving the friendship.

There's only so many times I can invite these guys to dinner or whatever before I become resentful that they literally NEVER invite us back, and now I've reached that point of resentment it's time to leave it as it's no longer the open, friendly gesture that it once was.

I would never keep accepting a dinner invite without either inviting back at some point or, if I did not like the person inviting me, not accept the invitation at all.

Friendship shouldn't be about keeping score, so if it is, then it's not really much of a friendship.( I don't feel like this about other friends).

But, some people don't mind that kind of thing so much, each to their own.

[cafesociety]

I can see your point of view maggie and I think the friendship has come to an end. I've been through this, it's really unpleasant and hurtful.

I just think that if you feel anxious before your see X, as if you are on eggshells in X's company, leave feeling worried, anxious, a sick feeling inside and angry....then it's just no good for you anyway. And you're right, the resentment will grow enormously.

But keep your dignity, and keep a golden silence. Let it go. Life's tough sometimes and people are unkind.

[maggiethemagpie]

Thanks Café I don't feel anxious in her company but I undoubtedly feel resentful at the lack of any effort, and disappointed at how it's turned out - both with her and her partner. This resentment is a sure message to myself that it is not working, we should not feel resentful of or disappointment at our friends.

I will not ask for the toys back, the PPs were right they were given as a gift so a gift they will stay.

Hard as it is, I will accept the reality of the situation and just leave things, I won't get in touch again unless X does, and even if she does I will be ultra wary of jumping back into thinking we are friends.

It's only when you come on MN that you realise other people have experienced this kind of thing, very easy to think you are the only one and that there is something wrong with you so much as I don't want anyone else to suffer, there is some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in experiencing this.