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Relationships

When is enough enough?

38 replies

MillingtonBoo · 24/04/2015 22:33

That's it, really. How do you know it's over? One big blow out row or a succession of events, rows, issues that finally overwhelm?

I ask because I'm in the second camp at the moment. If I didn't have children (18 months and 6) I would have walked away months ago on the basis of it all being too much. Life was hard enough with a new baby, me having PND piled on the pressure (made worse because DP didn't do a thing to help me get through it, saying I should just pull myself together) and going back to work full time has been tough. Then 13 year old DSS came to live with us full time about a year ago after being kicked out by his mum on account of his aggressive behaviour. He has poor attendance at school, few friends, makes no secret of his dislike for me and his young sisters, refuses to engage with family life and is generally moody and difficult to live with, for all of us. DP and I disagree on how to deal with him and the arguments about this go on and on. The latest one is whether DP should get him the decommissioned gun he wants - I try and remain calm whilst outling my concerns over his mental health issues, his aggression and talk about my concerns over the safety of the younger children. DP says he wants to encourage DSS to have an interest and that his obsession with firearms might be it and that it is perfectly normal for many boys to seek ownership of advanced weaponry (I'm paraphrasing a little). I simply look wide eyed at the man I fell in love with and wonder when he turned into such an idiot. Then I lose it and have spent the evening in tears, feeling trapped and in a whirlwind of ideas about where to go next with all of this.

So, when is enough enough? When have people stepped back and drawn that line?

OP posts:
369thegoosedrankwine · 24/04/2015 22:39

Ok - firearms are never a good idea, esp for a 13 yo with aggression issues, but you don't need anybody else to tell you that.

Ask yourself ' if I could wave a magic wand' what would happen. That is your ideal. It might not be achieved but it is a starter.

Do you want to leave, or do you have to to protect yourself and your children?

Sorry you're going through this...

Canyouforgiveher · 24/04/2015 22:40

I don't know when enough is enough - never had to make that choice in a live-in relationship but I do know that for me my home has to be someplace I generally (not always but usually) feel safe, happy and glad to be in. If home stops being like that because of a husband, then I think that would be it for me.

handing a moody angry 13 year old a gun (even if decommissioned whatever that is) is to me like saying to him "go on, be violent if you want or even hurt yourself, because I don't care enough to stop you". Is that really what your husband wants to say to his son?

CalleighDoodle · 24/04/2015 22:56

I think if youre asking when is enough enough, then thats the time to go.

Joysmum · 24/04/2015 23:03

Enough is enough when you aren't prepared to live like this until the day one of you died but you have no hope of things ever improving.

If there is a chance that thing could change for the better then consider staying.

whitsernam · 25/04/2015 01:17

OP - I'm in the US, where guns are common, and even here no one thinks it's a good idea to get a gun for an aggressive 13 year old. There have been some rather well-publicized murders and school shootings by teenagers!! I would never live in a home with a gun; they're a risk even with well-adjusted people, and you have to follow very strict procedures in locking up ammunition, etc. Please don't chance this one.

butterflyballs · 25/04/2015 01:21

When you stop caring about the other person.

When you no longer cry.

When you just feel exhausted with it all.

When you realise life would be simpler and happier without the other person.

lordStrange · 25/04/2015 01:30

Millington what is a decommissioned gun. What does that mean?

Don't allow it, whatever it is. Do you want to be shot at by an angry teenager? Or your children? no, i thought not.

lay down this one important rule in your household. No violence. No gun.

Honestly, your partner cannot argue with this. Surely.

trackrBird · 25/04/2015 02:03

I am slightly staggered at the idea of giving an aggressive, firearms-obsessed teenager an actual firearm.

Wait till you feel calmer, OP. I think you'll feel much more focused about your next steps.

MillingtonBoo · 25/04/2015 03:09

Thank you everyone. Apparently a decommissioned gun is one that does not fire. Otherwise known as an imitation firearm. And, I'm pretty sure, illegal unless it is an antique. I suspect there are ways to tamper with them to make them be able to fire, should you so wish. I have no idea what the attraction is but it is not happening. I have calmed down enough to restate to DP that I will not have guns in the house, that it is a red line and a deal breaker for me. I have also spelt out to him that I am chronically miserable, unhappy, on the verge of tears all the time (this much he knows already) and said for the first time that if we didn't have children together I would have left long ago. I wonder how he will respond.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/04/2015 07:16

I wonder how he will respond.

Do you mean you told him in writing?

MillingtonBoo · 25/04/2015 07:56

Yes, email, replying to one he'd sent me. Partly as it was 3am, partly as I break into tears, fall over my words and can't articulate what I want to say when I try and talk about anything DSS related with DP now and partly because DP has a habit of 'forgetting' points I do manage to make. Not a shining example of communication I know but the only way I can be sure of saying what I want to say, in the way I want to say it, on this topic.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 25/04/2015 08:05

I would say enough is enough when one party is not willing to genuinely make the effort to make things better. When one person doesn't even try, it shows a lack of respect which builds up resentment. Resentment is a killer for relationships and rarely fixable.

Joysmum · 25/04/2015 08:11

I thought a decommissioned gun was one with the firing merchandise taken out, not an imitation weapon?

Either way, not something I'd ever allow.

You don't sound like you feel valued and you've not mentioned what you have both tried in order to try to improve your lives as clearly it's damaging to continue as you are.

Vivacia · 25/04/2015 08:21

(I don't think that email is necessarily a bad choice, for all the reasons you give and more).

Why don't you spend the day imagining that you've decided to separate? Try it out and see how the decision feels?

Quitelikely · 25/04/2015 08:26

Can't your ss be directed towards the local boxing gym or something similar.

No. No. No. To a gun.

mrscynical · 25/04/2015 08:28

You don't say where you are but I'm pretty sure that here in the UK replica guns are illegal. Have there not been cases where people have been shot by police as they are holding what is believed to be a real gun that have turned out to be replicas? Anyway the whole idea of giving a gun to a 13 year old, even without the issues your DSS has, is ridiculous.

If I were in your shoes then I would be throwing in the towel. You need to protect yourself and your daughters. Your DP is blinded by trying to make his son happy at the expense of yourself and your girls.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2015 08:32

Your relationship is well and truly over really; no point in staying for the sake of the children either. He is clearly not responsible enough and you cannot carry this on your own. Make plans to separate from this individual now.

Your partner seems just as careless as his ex who threw their son out to come and live with you people. I feel quite sorry for this boy to be honest; none of the adults (except you) have actually shown much concern or even a degree of care for him. This boy is crying out really for someone to actually take some bloody notice of him; his parents should hang their heads in shame.

Thank goodness that you have taken a stand re this lad having a firearm.
A 13 year old boy who is already going off the rails does not need an imitation weapon. Besides which, what is he going to do with it. He could well take it into the outside world and show people, start waving it around in a shop for instance. Many people cannot readily tell between an imitation and real gun either, all they see is a weapon.

cozietoesie · 25/04/2015 09:01

Among all the other problems you have, your DSS came to live with you after being kicked out by his Mum for aggressive behaviour and your partner is now proposing to allow him to have a decommissioned firearm because everyone should have a hobby?

I wouldn't mind betting (and this is only a suspicion) that your DP is trying to 'influence' his son by giving in to him and being 'Nicey-Daddy' and that you will be painted as the person who is preventing his son having his (temporary) heart's desire. Could there be any truth in that? What was his relationship with his son like before he came to live with you?

Whichever way, though, your relationship is over and I think you need to call it a day for the sanity and safety of you and your children. Given that your partner is not willing to discuss the situation calmly and rationally (which would in itself give me cause for concern), I would be interested to know what his response will be to your email. I wouldn't be surprised if, in fact, he ignores it - but let's see.

Do you have friends or relatives nearby in real life who could be of help if only to talk to?

AlternativeTentacles · 25/04/2015 09:03

Enough is enough when you decide enough is enough.

Rjae · 25/04/2015 09:19

Your DP has to get some serious help for his son and that to me would be a deal breaker. Without help this boy sounds a danger to himself and to society.

Personally I would not have my children in this toxic environment if I was unhappy too. Perhaps your partner could move out with his son but remain in contact with you and his children. That way you could get a sense of perspective on the whole thing. It sounds like you are living in the middle of a tornado.

It sounds to me as though enough is already enough.

fluffapuss · 25/04/2015 09:54

Hello Millington

You seem exhausted

Young children

Teenager

Working

Husband

Communication issues with all members of the family & not being listened to

Where is the time for yourself ?

I agree that a decommissioned gun & a 13 year old is not a good mix !
I have a suspicion that he would want to take it into school to show his friends & that could cause chaos if people thought it was a real gun !

As parents you should be setting clear boundaries & one of them should be no weapons in the house

Perhaps you could discuss the below suggestions with your partner first, then with the wider family ?

Perhaps you could offer a family trip to a military museum or an airshow

Perhaps you could encourage your teen to do some chores around the house to earn some pocket money, so that they can buy some computer games, model kits, build your own aeroplane, remote controlled tank, car, save up for moped, car etc

Perhaps you could encourage your teen to join scouts, Duke of Edinburghs award to start doing some volunteering

Perhaps you could encourage your teen to join a coding club

*Poor attendance at school - Your child probably does not realise, but this could have wider implications for the future. At a suitable time you could discuss together;

  1. In other countries education is not free !

  2. Gaining good qualifications sets a foundation for your next phase in further education or work
    eg
    If an employer receives 100 CV's for a job, which CV's will the choose
    The ones with best suited qualifications, experience

  3. In the world of work, employers are intolerant of; lateness, sickness, not willing to continue to learn new skills & develop and non attendance. That is why is great to set a good routine early in life
    Employers want motivated, positive, happy employees


    OK I realise that doing all this is easier said than done

    I hope some of the suggestions help

    Good luck
newstart15 · 25/04/2015 10:11

Parenting a teen is tough and even tougher when its a step family.Your DSS needs some intervention and counselling maybe the way to go but its your dp's responsibility and you can only suggest it.The gun would be a deal breaker for me and if your dp thinks its a good idea you are incompatible.There are so many healthy hobbies for can active teen.
Does DSS spend too much time on consoles, this seems to have a detrimental affect on moods.I notice it with my son who is younger.When he misses school what does he do? I think if you could jointly work towards helping your DSS you might have a chance to rebuild the relationship but if your dp fails to parent you and your girls are living in a horrible situation.

Both of you have a lot in your plate and this can cause relationship issues but if you have lost respect for your partner ( his gun suggestions don't help!) then I think its time to call it a day.

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tallwivglasses · 25/04/2015 10:13

Enough is enough would have been 18 months ago with the pnd issue, but everyone has different tolerance levels. I think your tears mean you're reaching yours now. You know things can't go on like this and your dh doesn't exactly have a track record of taking notice of you. The gun thing is just ridiculous.

fluffapuss · 25/04/2015 10:25

Agree, only you can decide when enough is enough & what is the final straw/deal breaker

However, if you decide that you have had enough, you "should stick to your guns" !

Move onwards to a new positive life, no going back

Good luck

Twinklestein · 25/04/2015 10:28

Decommissioned means deactivated and yes you can potentially have them reactivated illegally.

I don't think they have to be antique to be legal but they have to have a deactivation certificate. I'm pretty sure you have to be over 18 to own one even though you don't need a firearms certificate for it.

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