Help me please with DH

[Strugglingmum01]

Hello all
I am a new poster as I wasn't sure where else to go for help, this is fairly long so I will try and summarise where I can and please do not think too badly of me.

I have been with DH for 10 years and married 6. We have two young children and life has been quite stressful for one reason or another over the past 3-4 years. I suffered with depression after DC1 and again even worse after DC2. DH has struggled with becoming the only wage earner after I gave up work to look after the children and we have moved house a couple of times and things have generally been a bit strained. We have stuck together through it all - despite nearly splitting several times and we are, in some ways, stronger than ever.

I love DH immensley however our sex life and any kind of intimacy has taken a complete hiatus. I know he loves me and he always tells me that and tells me how lovely I look when I put make up on etc however it has been months since we had sex. I cannot remember the last time he even gave me a proper kiss. It is like we are existing as very good friends!

Of an evening he will just do his thing on the laptop of ipad and watch tv and I either work or sit there and wait for the one or two word answers from my conversation starters. Most of the time I get fed up and go to bed and read and then he comes to bed, spends 10 mins on his phone and then turns over and goes to sleep.

There's no arguments or anything - and this is what really worries me as I feel that now there's no arguments and I don't get het up or bothered by anything it means the passion has gone. I adore him but neither of us seem to be attracted to each other anymore in a sexual way. i've lost a ton a of weight and am in the gym a lot toning up, and I feel more attractive and confident in myself than ever before.

I'm so lonely however, in a sexual sense. I'm desperate and for the first time ever I can see how affairs happen. I have been going out with my friends every other week or so and I love the buzz of getting dressed up and flirting with men. Its something that makes me feel wanted and desired and alive for the first time in months. I'm not proud of this but I'm craving attention.

My husband doesn't believe anything is wrong and just says he is tired and things get like this in long relationships! I'm so desperate for sexual attention I'm even considering a hook up website or something as I daren't try Tinder as its local and we live in a small town. I can't imagine my life without DH but I also can't live in a sex starved marriage and the only thing I can think of is getting my fix somewhere else which will keep my marriage happy. Please help....

[MelonBallersAreStrange]

Don't have an affair. Go to counselling together. Go to counselling alone. Imagine life without DH. Decide what you want.

If you have an affair, you have actually made the decisions to leave, so you might as well just get on with it.

[BravingSpring]

Terrible idea. You need to speak to him and go for counselling, he needs to know how you are feeling.

I assume you've never been cheated on, there are plenty of us on here who can tell you how devastating it is.

[Momagain1]

Dont go hooking up. You know you dont really want to.

Passion shouldn't be leading to arguments. That you neither argue, nor have sex are only very marginally related.

It sounds as if he is stressed/depressed/burnt out. What did he do when you were depressed? What did you wish he would do?

Long relationships do cycle through such periods. Getting through it takes time, patience and effort. It can be horrible to be the one who feels healthy and on top of the world and yet knowing the other isnt. Not as horrible as the one who feels crap and probably guilty over it.

What have you done as a couple after all these moves and near break ups? Do you have anything like a date night? Rather than worrying about sex, worry about sharing attention. Would he agree to one screen at a time? Either TV, which you watch together,, and maybe discuss; or Ipad (assuming you also have a device or computer and can friend him on Facebook, challenge him to Scrabble or other interactive games (and make use of the chat function).

How was sex last time you had sex? Any problems he may be worried will happen again?

[flyingmonks]

At weekends, could you arrange a babysitter, and spend time with your dh, just the two of you, doing something together which you used to do when you first met and your relationship was exciting? Free up a morning away from children, chores, shopping, DIY and work. I'm thinking that if you spend time together, during the morning, when he is not so tired after a day's work, he would enjoy it more and you would have a better chance of success of starting a new routine where you have fun together (which should lead on eventually, in time, to you reappraising each other and more fun in the bedroom.)

Be fair to him. You need to concentrate on getting the buzz from your dh, not someone else, - dress up for him (with no sexual pressure), open his eyes again to the gorgeous woman he fell for, you used find him exciting, and it's still there, it's just got buried. Encourage him to wear the clothes in which he looks really hot, to come to the gym with you. How about doing something which he loves, spoiling him, (non sexual or he might feel pressured), get him to see you again as the fun fascinating woman you are and remind yourself of how gorgeous he is.

Perhaps discuss if there is a way he can change his job so he is not always so tired, move so there is less of a commute or something.

Could you do some part time work from home to help with the household income?

'the only thing I can think of is getting my fix somewhere else which will keep my marriage happy' NO, Don't be Daft. Grow Up. You sound like a spoiled child.

[techgirl]

This is not all that different to periods in my own relationship, which has various complications including but not limited to mental health, disability and work obsession as well as young kids. The sex-free periods always resolve. If you are thinking your relationship is at risk then you need to tell him so explicitly, try counselling etc, push him to considering assessment for depression etc. If you don't think things are that bad then I have found going away even just to stay with family as a family helps - non-familiar bed, routine etc even with parents down the hall seems to relight things for us. And yes couple time, but no sex pressure and don't build too much on a single evening - I've had several date nights where dp's mood just isn't right, but at least we've talked.
And talking is crucial- we've rekindled things just by talking, about a film watched together, about an infuriating radio interview with ukip, about a newspaper article.

[Pigleychez]

struggling mum- Im in a similar boat to you. Love DH to bits and pretty sure he feels the same. Things are great but the physical side seems to have just disappeared.
It feels like DH just doesnt think of me in that way any more. Even cuddles/kisses are few and far between. Any efforts to dress up go unnoticed and I think my wife role has turned into mum/housekeeper. :(

I agree that an affair isn't the right road but I totally understand your feelings of wanting to be desired etc.

[Fairenuff]

There is no sex in your relationship because there is no intimacy. You need to re-connect. What have you got in common, do you talk, laugh, go for walks together, listen to music, discuss current affairs, share your worst fears and best hopes? If not, why not?

Work on your relationship and if it doesn't improve work on the best way to separate.

[jumparoo]

Having an affair will do nothing but kill your relationship, you should try talking to your dh tell him how you feel and how it is affecting you, but also listen to how he feels, as the main bread winner for my household also I can see that he probably feels very stressed, tired and under pressure. Sex maybe the last thing on his mind, I am currently having similar issues with my DW, she isn't interested in sex but I still am but things are getting better for us so don't lose hope, he probably feels very rejected if you went through a time of not wanting sex. Maybe try dressing up and flirting with him but without the pressure of sex and instead of him playing on his iPad at night watch something on TV together and cuddle up on the sofa and instead of him looking at his phone before he goes to sleep have a cuddle in bed and talk. You can work this out every long term relationship has issues like these. If your really desperate for your fix try pleasuring yourself at least you'll get your fix without an affair.