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Relationships

What to do when the (very near almost) perfect man asks you to marry...

84 replies

Ehhn · 20/04/2015 12:34

... But you feel panicked and upset at the thought of getting married/having a wedding? Towards the end of this mammoth post, I get a bit tmi.

My partner and I have been Together 8 years. He is handsome, successful, but, most importantly, kind and supportive (walking out of a meeting in London because my horse had died suddenly, bringing home chocolate unasked when I've had a bad day, etc etc). We share common interests and have our own, separate hobbies (eventing and cricket). We have the same values about money, eating out, travel, interior design, cleanliness, and family (ie. Our family values), and he is supportive but not threatened by my academic success (PhD), unlike many men I've known/met. He gets along with my family and will sacrifice things he enjoys to do things he ought (attending family occasions etc). He is not a big drinker, same as me, but we both can get on it for a big rugby night. I support him going on rugby tour with the lads, he is happy for me to go off with the girls on mine. I'm immensely proud of his outlook/behaviour in life, his treatment of others, his business success, and his sporting prowess. He is quietly feminist too, which is rare in an Australian rugby boy. My mum - never married, feminist, business owner, thinks of him as her son.

However... The thought of getting married fills me with horror. I'm trying to get used to the idea, as it is very important to my dp, but this is one area in which we differ. I hate the expense, the show, the idea of being bound to someone so severely. I like the fact that I can choose to walk away, but I don't because I love him and want to be with him, rather than be bound (almost) regardless of how I feel.
Each congratulations from people has stuck in my throat. I have been reticent telling people. I feel awkward and defensive when people start asking me about the wedding. I don't want to be a wife. I like being a partner. But my dp is so desperate to get married. He has very little family and he wants to make his own.
I keep having dreams of having sex with other people (my old ex and a rugby player on whom I have a bit of a crush at my club) and leaving my dp. It's upsetting me deeply and I wake up disturbed by my dreams.

The one thing I've been hesitant about saying as it is tmi, is the sex factor. My dp is very handsome, but a blonde, body hairless, slight figure (American teen idol/surfer physique, but 30 years old!) - exactly my type when I met him at 21. My sexual taste since then has evolved - I now am attracted to solid, hairy, dark men (Aidan turner types). I also am quite kinky and like to be dominated, but my partner is totally vanilla. Added to this - the final major TMI. My partner is somewhat under endowed. He is just about average in length, but is rather slender in girth. I think him very good looking, I love and admire him, but I don't desire him - I don't have that groin tingling stab of desire and I have to work very hard to get myself ready for sex. I wonder how much this is affecting my thoughts/dreams?

What to do? I love him and trust him in a way that I never have with others. He is the perfect partner in all ways apart from the physical. I have met a few men whom I fancy more, but I've always known that they were cheaters/insecure/jealous/controlling/vindictive/manipulative. I'm naturally attracted to dominating types, which makes for great sex but terrible relationships. Despite how I may come across, I want to be with my DP.

I would really welcome others' experiences, advice, and also any questions that might help me work through this. Thank you.

OP posts:
pompodd · 20/04/2015 12:49

I really don't understand why getting married should make such a difference to you. You've been together for 8 years! Similarly, in what way is his cock relevant to whether you want to marry him or not - you have said you are happy and want to be with him? You seem to have an odd view of marriage that in some way it binds you to him regardless of how you feel and whether you want to be bound. Ever heard of divorce?!

He sounds like a lovely bloke. But if this is such a big deal for you surely you need to sit him down and try to explain it? But I'd be ready for him not being able to understand it.

HellonHeels · 20/04/2015 12:57

Getting married doesn't have to involve show or expense. You can have a very quiet marriage ceremony at a registry office for under 200. All you need to do is book it and turn up with two witnesses. My colleague did this; booked an afternoon's annual leave for the ceremony and came back to work the next day - no name change, no wedding rings, no drama.

I can't really advise you on the other aspects you mention (looks, cock etc). Have these always been an issue or are they suddenly deal breakers now marriage is mentioned?

plantsitter · 20/04/2015 13:03

You need to talk to him about sex. Does he know you want to be dominated? If not, tell him, if so, what was his response. I'll be honest and say that a good sex life has made mine and dhs relationship a lot easier through some tricky times. I really don't think the size of his knob or his appearance will make much difference when it comes down to it. You make a choice to stick with one bloke or shag around depending on what you think will make you happy.

Don't do a big wedding. And, i know you're not supposed to say this but... There's always divorce.

Lydiand · 20/04/2015 13:06

"I have to work very hard to get myself ready for sex" Bloody hell!

You know deep down that this isn't going to work long term.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/04/2015 13:10

It sounds like your relationship (from your perspective) has evolved into a friendship.

Don't marry him in that case. In fact you should break up to be fair to him.

But don't tell him it's because he's got a small willy.

Twinklestein · 20/04/2015 13:14

I guess you have to decide what's more important to you - the love and compatibility you share or groin-tingling sex.

I think one goes through phases of fancying different looks - I don't think it's so much that your 'sexual taste' has 'evolved' but that you've done the blonde surfer look so now you fancy dark and brooding.

I felt panicky about getting hitched to someone for life. I did it when we decided we definitely wanted children, it doesn't like you've got to that point yet. Without children, would I have got married, probably not.

But I didn't have such a horror of it as you.

If you want you can get married in registry office and no fuss, so dislike of weddings is not really an argument. And I wonder whether this really is about weddings/marriage & your bf's sexual tastes, but whether there are deeper reasons that, despite the apparent compatibility, mean you actually don't want to marry him full stop.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/04/2015 13:19

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Really?

Is the sex thing central to your relationship and feelings for him? Or do you think it's a more minor thing?

You describe marriage as 'Severe' which is a really unusual turn of phrase. What do you mean 'bound to someone so severely'???

trackrBird · 20/04/2015 13:26

If you are having to make lists to convince yourself someone is suited to you, you are probably marrying the wrong guy.

Desperation to be married is also a very bad starting place, for anyone.

confusedoflondon · 20/04/2015 13:28

I think in a nutshell youre commitment phobic. Not because you want to be with someone else per se but because you know you'd be committing yourself to the great catch who you no longer fancy and you know you make a choice - the great husband or finding someone new who you're actually attracted to. I married the great catch. We are now divorced because I had no physical attraction to him. Five years later and one very poor catch but great sex later I am with the guy I would marry tomorrow - everything I ever wanted and amazing attraction too. Don't compromise its not fair on you, or him.

pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 13:34

Do you live together now? Because joint property is really more of a bond to someone than getting married (children excepted.)

Re a big wedding: if it fills you with dread (and I totally understand that as I hate such occasions) then you can just elope. Being married is the idea here, not the wedding!

Do you want children? If you want children, do you want them to be fathered by him?

Have you told him what you want in bed - has he ever tried to be more dominating? If he has but he can't get into it, would he be open to you having a play partner (possibly non-sexual)?

wobblebobblehat · 20/04/2015 13:46

What a strange post.

Sadly, there is no one who will meet your requirements 100% and you need to decide the things you can compromise on. It's a bit like buying a house. In a long term relationship, it's likely that a good sex life will wane at some point. IMO it's more important to be with someone you can laugh with, who is kind, dependable and thoughtful. A good marriage is a wonderful thing and far better than shagging around with an array of dark hairy (and probably unreliable and egotistical) men... Smile

You have a very outdated view of weddings/marriage. There is no reason why it should be flashy, expensive, full of people you don't like, etc. You do what you want to do and if you worry about it being a permanent ball and chain then don't worry because there's always divorce!

Ehhn · 20/04/2015 14:06

Thanks for the replies. I haven't had good models of marriage. My mum has been single her whole life bar brief relationships before me (she refused to date throughout my upbringing) and my dad left before I was born to continue to be a serial philanderer. My half brothers are in the same model. I'm very afraid of marriage. My mother has suggested therapy but what do I say? I'm afraid of an institution that I regard as patriarchal and often destructive? I've tried talking to my dp about this, but he is so hurt at the thought of me not wanting to marry.

A lot of marriages around me are either miserable or lacking. The best relationships I know are long term unmarrieds.

I mention the sex thing because it plagues my dreams. I don't know why. And yes, there is a slight sense of dissatisfaction. I've suggested sex counselling/relationship therapy and he is mildly interested but I don't how to address what I want when I know he hates doing what I suggest (he is too kind to be dominant) and I don't feel that desire at the base of it. I know I have been explicit, but this is an anonymous forum and I feel I can be clearer in a way that I could never be with my friends, as I wouldn't wish to humiliate my dp like that. At least here, no one can identify me/him.

But then I feel selfish and self-serving that sex should be a factor in an otherwise loving, supporting relationship, in which we can laugh and cry in equal measure. I trust him completely.

Already, opinion is divided on this board between love is more important than sex and that sex is an equal part of a loving relationship.

Sorry, this is somewhat fragmented and scattered but this is pretty embarrassing and difficult for me to write about. I appreciate the comments and responses.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 14:15

I think how important sex is to a relationship is a very individual thing.

To me, it's one of the most important things, because it's how I feel connected and open to my partner. In bed I can be just myself; out of bed I wear mental armour.

If the sex aspect is that important to you, and your partner is unable to satisfy those needs (either because he can't or won't try, or because you're no longer attracted to him sexually) then I think you have to set him free to find someone who loves him like that.

If you break up now then yes it will be painful, but there is a chance you can remain friends.

If you stay with him - even if the wedding is off the table and you just stay co-habiting - you will eventually have the urge to go looking elsewhere to get your needs met. At that point it will be like throwing a bomb into your relationship. Dead and wounded on either side.

What you said of your relationship models growing up makes perfect sense to why you react to the idea of marriage like this. And you know, you don't have to get married. Nobody does. You get better legal protections, and some potential partners may say that's a dealbreaker for them. But nobody is going to hold a gun to your head if you never want to marry. It's okay.

antimatter · 20/04/2015 14:27

IMHO your marriage won't last if you aren't interested in having sex with your partner.

He suits you in many other ways but sex is very important in relationship, more as you grow older together.
Your your partner has to be all the things you described but without sex is going to fail.

It looks to me that either he isn't listening to you or you aren't telling him to his face about the lack of desire on your part. Lack of communication?

When did you realise you like being dominated? Before you met him?

If you marry him and stay together give 2-3 years and you will be back writing of the regret of not facing those issues sooner.

wol1968 · 20/04/2015 14:28

He's the perfect man. But not the perfect man for you. This is why you're confused: he's everything he should be, he ticks the shopping list - but he just does not hit your buttons. I think you've got a bit of learning and exploring and growing to do before you're in the right place for marriage, TBH. I'm suggesting you need to LTP (P stands for Prince, because he's a lovely bloke, you're just not compatible) in as civilised and decent a way as possible. It'll hurt for you and for him, but not as much as a divorce further down the line.

Flowers

Thecowandcat · 20/04/2015 14:34

I'm married. I hated the whole wedding thing, but loved the idea of getting married. My 'special' day was nothing but and I was delighted when it was over! We had a pretty scaled down wedding, but looking back I wished I'd scaled it down more. I totally understand your feelings when you say you don't want to feel on show. I just wasn't into that scene.

I was and remain really happy to be married and for me it was worth it.

I suspect you could probably have a scaled down wedding too.

The sex issue is more difficult. I do wonder if you have a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side'. I also think it's normal to have lustful thoughts about other people, even if you do really love your partner.

I think you do need to address it before you get married. How frankly have you spoken to him about your fantasies? Would he at least be willing to give it a try? You could work up to things gradually. I also think that if you want a partner to be dominant in the bedroom you have to be submissive in the bedroom. If he is used to you taking the lead sexually he might find it difficult to make the change.

Summertimeatlast · 20/04/2015 14:40

Don't analyse it too much. He's a nice guy, the sex is crap. I don't think you should compromise on that. And it won't get better, it will get worse.

I have been in that position and Mr nice ticked all the boxes on paper but the bottom line was I didn't fancy him much and he was shy in bed.

You can't start a marriage with the feelings you describe.

FluffyMcnuffy · 20/04/2015 14:41

I'd just like to point out that being a fantastic, kind and gentle partner and being dominant in sex are not mutually exclusive. I'm married to someone who's all of those things!

For me if the sex wasn't great it would be a deal breaker, and it sounds like its the same for you. You can find someone who ticks every box!

Bonsoir · 20/04/2015 14:45

I'm not married and many of the reasons you invoke in the OP as reasons why you don't want to marry are ones I share.

However, my feelings about my DP are nothing like the feelings you describe having about your future H. I love and adore my DP and that is why I am with him. The rest we work out as we go along!

blueberrypie0112 · 20/04/2015 15:13

Sounds to me you don't want to be tied down to this guy.

LurcioAgain · 20/04/2015 15:17

It sounds to me like the sexual incompatibility bothers you at a very fundamental level and the thought of marriage ("this is meant to be forever") is forcing you to confront this. You can't bury your head in the sand. By splitting up not only would you free yourself to pursue the sort of sex life you want, you'd free him up to meet someone who did enjoy sex with him (there are women out there who do get off on vanilla sex in a relationship of equals - there's a lot to be said for Michelin starred cordon bleu vanilla).

There's also nothing wrong with feminist reservations about marriage. You probably do need to do some thinking about commitment. Is this "cold feet" commitment phobia because he's the wrong man for you? Is it commitment phobia in a bad way in that you feel you'd be emotionally fulfilled in a ltr but your upbringing stops you trusting? Is it wrong time commitment phobia - you need to sow your wild oats before settling down? Is it not any type of phobia but in fact that long term monogamy isn't right for you? Whichever, you need to sort this out in your head before marriage.

Marshy · 20/04/2015 15:24

Imagine him with someone else. Are you horrified or relieved?

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oddfodd · 20/04/2015 15:35

I agree with summertime. He's a great bloke but you don't fancy him. Don't marry him. He deserves to be with someone whose heart beats faster when they see him. And you deserve to be with someone who makes your heart beat faster.

And not wishing to be unkind, you may love and trust him more than you have others but you can't have had an awful lot of experience of others if you met when you were 21.

There will be other men out there who are right for you. Don't settle because your man ticks all the boxes on paper

shovetheholly · 20/04/2015 15:41

OP: is it possible you could be self-sabotaging here? I notice that a lot of the things that are 'wrong' with your relationship are to do with very strong desires that you seem to have - for the polar opposite thing that your partner wants/is. Now, it could be that you've just grown out of him, or it could be that he is the right guy and for some reason you don't want to commit, so are finding reasons not to.

I think you need to think very long and hard whether actual differences, or your insecurities are driving this. It could be either, and only you can really know.

crazyhead · 20/04/2015 15:54

I think you need to quietly go to counselling on your own to work out what this is about here is my first bit of advice.

My second bit - has this guy ever, at any stage, felt 'right' for you or has he always been someone you feel you 'ought' to be grateful for? I ask before it is one thing trying to rekindle a sexual/emotional spark and another trying to stoke one where it has never existed.

I have been in a number of relationships where I struggled with certainty and ambivalence, and really questioned myself, but now am married to a man where I feel 100% right. In the previous relationships, I'd say I ploughed on despite early discomfort/lack of 'rightness' - I can see that now. My exes were all nice men - I don't go for nasty. But that isn't the same as 'right'.

However, that's me - it may be a different issue for you.

You could try reading Mira Kirschenbaum's book 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which really helped me.

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