what should i do?

[somegirl]

what should I do?

Hello everyone. Im hoping you cam offer some advice.My husband separated from me a couple years ago after he was having an emotional affair with someone he later got with. I was distraught as I trusted him 100% and never once thought he would do something like that. It was a little my fault too as we had two children under 3 so we became distant and i was less intimate with him as i was tired, i think this eventually made him look elsewhere. Anyway after a few months i met someone else and things were going great, my kids love him and he is great with them. We have been together over a year now and he moved in with me for a few months before he had to move away with the army, so i only see him at weekends now. When he leaves my 4 year old always gets upset and asks him if hes coming back, this breaks my heart as she obvioulsy remembers her daddy leaving.Since my H left i have become quite a paranoid person and often wonder if my OH is texting other girls whilst he isnt with me through the week, i know he isnt cheating physically as when he isnt working hes texting me or with me. He did cheat on his ex so he has got a history but hes assured me that im the only one he wants and he wants to have a future with me and the kids. I believe he does live me and mean this, but whos to say he wont get bored in a years time and start wondering?? So this is what i need your help with...although i love him to bits im wondering if it might be best to tell him how im feeling and say i think its best if i stay single and concentrate on bringing my kids up without the worry of him leaving one day. Or stay with him, try and get over my paranoia and believe what he says about having a future with us. Thanks for your help.

[somegirl]

Well i have told him how i am feeling. He, again, assured me i have nothing to worry about but did go on to say how sad he was that i thought id be better off single but thinks i should do whats best for the kids.I said i love him and i just need to get over these horrible thoughts in my head, thers nothing more he can do and hes already said the right things, i just need to believe him.

[Joysmum]

I wouldn't be in a rush to believe anyone who has form. There's a big difference between being paranoid and having grounds to be cautious. Only time will give you confidence in the relationship. I was extremely paranoid with my DH at the start, still hurt from the fear of being cheated on or taken advantage of now. Difference is that I've learnt to be more trusting but the hurt of my past is still raw well over 20 years on.

I'd rather try to trust than to stay broken though and I'm so glad DH was so patient and I took the risk.

[Jan45]

Just be wary, the guy might turn out alright, might not, who knows, it's life, you can't predict anything, you can only trust your own gut, don't judge him on your ex's behaviour, everyone is an individual.

Also, your ex didn't go looking through lack of sex, he did it because he wanted to, nobody has died of not having a shag, it's just an excuse people use, women too btw.

You need to chill, sit back and watch how he treats you, if it's going well then just be content with that but of course I am sure your kids come first, you are still allowed to have some fun - only time will tell if it's serious and guess what maybe YOU will decide you are bored with him.

[Viewofhedges]

Well, for what it's worth it sounds like what you need to do is not throw away what could be a really good relationship, but to learn to trust. There is no reason why this shouldn't be the right man for you and your kids. He has cheated once and owned up and may never do so again. Or, he might. But throwing away a good relationship on the basis of a 'what if' seems like a sad way to live. My DH might leave me one day, I hope to hell he won't, but I'd so much rather have my marriage than be alone just in case my other half leaves/ gets ill/ gets runover etc. (There are lots of different ways of leaving!)

I don't have kids so I can't begin to imagine what's best for them. They are of course the most important people in all of this but I'm sure others with more experience can make suggestions there.

But looking again at your letter, you admit that you think you are a bit paranoid, and worrying about him texting other people - why not tackle this before you throw this relationship away? If you can learn to trust, it'll help you in this and in any other future relationship - including that of you and your kids. If the trust is repayed, there is happiness. And in my experience most trust is rewarded and actually paranoia and mistrust can do more to damage a relationship than a lot of things. And it'll make you really unhappy.

Let's face it - we all have friends who are men and women and personally I'd feel gutted if my husband didn't trust me to text my friends, male or female. I stay away for work and often meet and go out with my male friends. I love their company, but it would never occur to me to risk my homelife for a tumble with them (ew!)

Perhaps you could sit him down and say you know that from the past that you have trust issues and you know this. But you take what he says at face value and you really cherish your relationship. If he cheats, you will leave him. But you don't want to end anything so you need to work together as a team on this, to keep you and your little ones happy. Can he help you to do this? If he's the man you hope he is, then he will, and you will have hopefully properly then got over the enormous and horrible betrayal of your husband. Don't let that ruin the rest of your life!

[somegirl]

Thanks for replying. He does know about my issues, ive told him. And hes said over and over im the only one he wants. He said he wants to marry me but is waiting till i get divorced before he asks properly. Im planning on divorcing in 3 months time, we would have been sepersted 2 years then.

[somegirl]

Its the evenings like now i get more worried....its a silly thkng but he sends me a text to say hes done for the day, i reply pretty much straight away and he always takes at least 20 mins to reply back, even though all hes doing is watching tv....

[Viewofhedges]

Ah Somegirl - he replies. That's the important thing. He might be on the loo, staring out the window or just plain relaxing. Some people, myself included, just aren't glued to their phones. I'd happily throw mine in a pond actually. And sometimes messages don't get through instantly.

You need to find things other than him to think about in the evening if that's a tough time. You might be stuck at home, but a good book / documentary / whatever floats your boat. Maybe email him later and say what you did and why it was good. Then turn all communications devices off or the night!

I was in a long distance relationship with my now husband for 18 months before we married. We emailed every night. I hated it when I isn't get a goodnight email... But he often only missed me by 10 mins or so and it was good to get the message in the morning.

Pin your thoughts on other things than him when he isn't there. Be happy and tell him interesting stuff you have done / seen - so the communication isn't just all focused on him. He'll be pleased and interested, I bet. And above all if you know you are an anxious person, breathe deep and remember that instant replies Do Not Mean Something Bad Is Happening.

Sounds like he really does care for you. Try and love him positively - not anxiously - in return. Good luck!

[Barbafamiily]

The thing is, you say you trusted your ex 100% and never thought he would cheat, but he did. So even people who have no history of cheating or who do not seem the type, can still be unfaithful. He could be unfaithful in the future, but so could you. Absolutely nothing is certain in this life. You have told him your fears and he has reassured you, that is all you can do. So for what it is worth, I would try and avoid speaking about it again unless you have some real proof to base your fears on. And try to have a bit more belief in yourself, why would he be so crazy as to want to cheat on you, right! I know in the long run, what will happen will happen no matter what, but you do hear of people saying "well she / he never believed I was being faithful, so in the end I thought if I am going to be accused of doing something I might as well be doing it, because what difference does it make". I hope it doesn't sound like I am simplifying things, because in the end someone cheats not because of how you are but because of the sort of person they are, I just mean that you can't control him, you can only control you and your thoughts, so try and make them as kind and as positive about yourself as they can be. Sorry if that is rambling!