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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

my bofriend doesn't want baby

108 replies

niccy13 · 19/04/2015 12:09

Found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant. This is my first. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now and I love him and I thought until now that he loved me. But since finding out I have been on a rollercoaster emotionally. First he said he didn't want it that it's an unwanted child and he hates children and it would be ruining his life. I told him that I may want it and how I felt then he turned around said that he would give it a go. Next day he again turns to me and says that he definitely doesn't want it that he would hate me and I am forcing him into this and he begged me for a termination. Saying what I am doing is worse than rape and he will break up with me and move away. Next day he comes over and we talk, he gets angry, I cry my heart out, we both say our piece then he says don't worry if you're keeping it I will be there, I'll give it a go. And we have a great day together. This morning I wake up to a whatsapp telling me he's changed his mind and definitely doesn't want a child that will ruin his life. Basically it's have a termination and we stay together and have a kid in a few years time or I keep it and we are through. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine my life without him but how can I live with myself if I get a termination.

OP posts:

Report

Branleuse · 19/04/2015 12:13

Can you just go it alone and go no contact with him?

How old are you guys?

MadameJosephine · 19/04/2015 12:19

You've only been together a few months and your relationship may end whether you have the baby or not. Take him out of the picture, do YOU want to have this baby? If the answer is yes then please don't let this man push you into having a termination you don't want to have just to keep him.

Oh and as for it being 'worse than rape' perhaps he needs a few lessons on how babies are made, you didn't force this upon him!!

Iflyaway · 19/04/2015 12:20

He's really running you around isn't he, changing his mind every day, swinging between the two extremes.

You poor thing.

He likes to control you too.... Deciding for you what kind of life you are going to have - "termination, stay together, have child when it suits him

This man does not sound good for you at all, sorry.

Are you ready to bring up a child by yourself? (I'm a LP).

You also have to decide if you want this cruel man in your life forever as the father of your child. He may come around after the birth, but don't rely on that making your decision.

WinterBabyof89 · 19/04/2015 12:23

Well doesn't he sound lovely - 'worse than rape' .. Good heavens..

Do what you feel is right for you is simply the best advice I can give you.

Could you do it alone? Do you have family who could support you?

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 19/04/2015 12:23

Oh OP I'm sorry you're in this situation

7 months is a really, really short time to be with someone- personally I really don't feel that you can truly know someone completely in that space of time. Sadly when things hit the fan, people show you who they truly are.

At the end of they day a man trying to emotionally blackmail a woman into an abortion she doesn't want is completely abhorrent- and what he said about rape- what the actual? You NOT aborting a child that he has contributed to conceiving is worse than rape? What? What kind of person would say that to you right now? I'm so angry on your behalf!

He doesn't come across very well, at all. It all seems to be about what he wants rather than supporting you- you're the one who's pregnant ffs! This isn't a theoretical discussion about whether to have a child or not- the child is already conceived, and abortion is entirely up to you- your body- he just doesn't get a say in that, IMO. You need to take time away from him and discount him from the picture, and consider what you want to do for yourself and the pregnancy. And as a separate issue, whether you'd want to continue a relationship with someone who would treat you this way.

Brandysnapper · 19/04/2015 12:24

He deserves to be broken up with for simply saying that having a baby (the conception of which he freely participated in) is "worse than rape". That is twattish behaviour of the highest order. If you don't want the baby fair enough, but if you do I would choose a baby over a dickhead any day.
(Even allowing for panic, I see no excuse for his behaviour toward the OP).

lunar1 · 19/04/2015 12:27

Take him out of the equation, after his behaviour there is no real way for your relationship to survive this. Make your decision based on what you want, a termination is a huge decision but so is having a child. You need to make a choice without any bullying or pressure.

I hope you have someone in real life that you can get support from.

Kvetch15 · 19/04/2015 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HowDoesThatWork · 19/04/2015 12:31

Your boyfriend is a class one wanker and hope he is soon an ex-boyfriend, whatever you decide about your pregnancy.

Lweji · 19/04/2015 12:34

And he told you this gem via Whatsapp?

If you want this baby, go ahead. But, as others said, regardless, you should dump this pathetic manipulator.

hidingfromthem · 19/04/2015 12:41

wow - 7 months in is not long to be pregnant by him.
how old are you both?
he has a right to not want this child.
likewise - you have the right to keep it.
would you be prepared to raise the child alone?

Variousrandomthings · 19/04/2015 12:47

I really couldn't live with myself if I terminated. It would make me deeply depressed and in need of counselling over years to feel normal again. Not all women are like this though.

You've only been with your BF a short time and yet he's trying to blackmail you into making a life changing decision against you're will. Tell him you want a long break as he's messing you around and he isn't supporting you. You both chose to have unprotected sex and he can't happily make you pregnant, then force you to abort.

tribpot · 19/04/2015 12:48

The only reason why you should have a termination is because you choose to. Nobody else can make that choice for you and no-one with any decency would try to force you into doing it.

His behaviour is likely to kill any love you feel for him anyway - at which point you could find yourself without him and without the baby.

You can only make a choice which is right for you. It's not clear whether the pregnancy was planned, although after such a short relationship (and clearly no prior discussion about children, not that there's anything wrong with that 7 months in) I'm guessing it was unplanned. There is nothing in your post that suggests you don't want to keep the pregnancy.

Branleuse · 19/04/2015 12:51

Your username - are you 13?

Kvetch15 · 19/04/2015 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 19/04/2015 12:54

An unplanned pregnancy is a huge shock for all concerned, and you both sound very young and emotionally immature. 7 months is very short relationship.

You both have the right to be involved in deciding what you do next.

Do you want the baby enough to be a lone parent? You cannot force him to be involved, other than financially.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 19/04/2015 12:57

Kvetch15 indeed. I had a termination when I was in my early twenties, and have never regretted it for a moment. It was the right decision at the time, and with the benefit of over 15 years hindsight I would make the same choice again.

GoGiYerHeedAWobble · 19/04/2015 13:01

I was in a similar situation a few months back. I found myself unexpectedly pregnant (after a condom and MAP failure) after being with my boyfriend for a very short time.

Neither of us took it well and we were pretty awful to each other and said some pretty nasty things.

I decided I had too much to think about to deal with his feelings too so told him I'd contact him in a few weeks, blocked him on everything, and sorted out what I wanted first, decided if I could cope alone, made plans based around me, only when I came to terms with what I wanted and how I could achieve it did I contact him again.

Fortunately he used that time to think what he wanted too and we are now back on track and set to become parents in a few weeks and are very happy now. I honestly think if we didn't have that few weeks in the beginning that we wouldn't be where we are now though. The high emotions at that time made us both very unreasonable and we would have ended up hating each other.

I'm not saying that everyone will have the same outcome, but you do need to stop contact with him, get your head straight, decide what you want and get it clear in your own mind, and once you have done that get back in touch with him, if you want to.

Good luck

niccy13 · 19/04/2015 13:06

No I am 28, he is 35

OP posts:

idontknowmyusernameanymore · 19/04/2015 13:06

Oh darling, this was me in this situation around 2 months ago, you might even be able to find my post on it. The thing is I knew regardless of him being around or not that I would not get rid of the child and I could be a good single mum. You need to think about wether you want to be a mum/be a single parent/have the resources to do this alone. If the answer is yes than you can do this, you don't need him. If you don't want the child, then you can figure out a way to deal with it when you're ready. Either way, stop him fucking you around, you don't need the stress!!! He'll soon decide what he wants, and if he walks away then you sure as hell don't need him.

niccy13 · 19/04/2015 13:17

Thank you to everyone that replied . It's nice to have a bit of support and that I am not alone. To add a few things asked I'm 28 and he is 35. This pregnancy was unplanned and the weird thing is we had talked about kids, he started the conversations, said he wanted them with me and he would give me one in 3 years. But after all this how can I now be certain he will.
I do have a friend who said she would support me. I haven't told my dad yet.

I've said to him give me till end of tomorrow to think it over.

OP posts:

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 19/04/2015 13:28

You can't be certain, not at all. You can be certain that he sounds quite controlling about your relationship- he'll "give you" a child will he? That's very big of him. His attitude stinks.

He's 35? Sadly age is no sign of maturity or decency in this case!

Take all the time you need. If that's more than 2 days so be it. His needs or wants are absolutely bottom of the list here- you are the one who is pregnant here. You need to consider your options without him in the picture at all.

Lweji · 19/04/2015 13:33

This baby in three years sounds like an elusive carrot that will always be dangled in front of you, but never reached.
This is the time for him to step up, or not.

As others said, take your time, as much as you need.

idontknowmyusernameanymore · 19/04/2015 13:35

Honestly I would get away for a few days. Any nice work mates, cheap hotel, stay with any family or parents? And have a few days of no contact between you to sort your own mind out, it's impossible to know what you want whilst you're hanging on for an answer from him. I know how it feels when my oh suggested abortion I was a quivering devastated mess, but you will find the strength to do what's right xx

WildBillfemale · 19/04/2015 13:39

He doesn't want the kid - he's told you, why ask a bunch of strangers.

tbh I'd get rid of it, you don't know him after 7 months, he doesn't know you.

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