If you were financially sound would you leave/left earlier?

[Joysmum]

I've read so many sad threads where people feel/felt trapped in their relationship because of finances.

If you were financially secure, would you leave your current relationship?

For those of you who did end it, would you have done it sooner?

[SunshineBossaNova]

I'm a student and my husband is an alcoholic. In February I decided I need to LTB, but I'm waiting until after my course is over. I need to get a job so I can pay for a solicitor and somewhere to live.

I'd have left earlier if I'd been able to do so.

[t3rr3gl35]

That's quite a question. I was contrary - I stayed in the relationship when I was financially secure as I was supporting the family. Part of the EA/FA was believing that if I left, I would ruin him and the children would hate me for it. Another item on his agenda was ensuring that I believed that he would be able to gain custody as he didn't work very often, spending most of his time at home. Was so ground down I had no idea that he would have had to demonstrate that he actually parented the children and pick them up from school at least occasionally to get custody.

If i had ended it sooner I would not have had to sell the family home. I have no real regrets as life has turned out pretty damn fine for me in ways that I could never have imagined and I have a greater appreciation for everything that I rebuilt from scratch without his presence constantly telling me where I was going wrong (in his eyes).

For everybody who feels trapped in a relationship because of finances I would advise them to get out. The non-financial rewards of having your dignity send a far stronger message to your children than having them witness the daily abuse towards you. Better to share a dinner of herbs with those who love you and all that.......(wish I could remember the full quote)

[springtimebloom]

I left my abusive exP with £200 in my pocket and a holdall of clothes and documents. So I was far from financially sound but I did it because I knew it was the only logical course of action (I was pg at the time and I knew I didn't want my dd to grow up in a toxic environment). It was enough to get me a tiny room in a shared house, with a dodgy landlord who didn't care about credit checks or big deposits.

I could have left sooner, and perhaps I should have, but I had to wait for a safe opportunity to gather belongings and a time that I could leave without confrontation. But I'm glad I got out when I did, and I think the dodgy stuff I had to deal with/indignity of being in poverty due to lack of financial security was a small price to pay compared to the humiliation of being in that sort of relationship.

[LadyB49]

Yes. I would have left sooner.
In the end nothing mattered except getting free.
And life went on and got better and now is wonderful.

[SilverHawk]

Yes. Many times.

[Ratfinkandbobo]

I left my abusive p years ago with £30, but went to my parents.
I don't know how I would've managed without their support.
I'm aware that lots of women trying to leave their abusive partners don't have RL support.

[oldfatandtired1]

Yes. And I stayed for the kids (who tell me now they would have been fine). And life is so much happier now.

[Offred]

I would never have got married! Married as moving in together when i was a single mum with 2 kids on benefits. I wanted the financial commitment if I was losing my income. Don't regret it though, moving in with someone with two kids in tow and no commitment when you're on the bones of your arse means you'd better not take unnecessary risks. Split now but he was still worth a go so don't regret it.

[happybubblebrain]

I don't think I've ever stayed in a relationship more than a day longer than I wanted to. I've never depended on a man financially or otherwise. I've never had shared assets. I feel quite lucky that I'm able to be single and not need anyone.

[awishes]

Oh yes! I was given bad advice for years from various (male) solicitors, hadnt discovit couplred Mumsnet and as a SAHM threatened with "you won't get custody" I stayed.
Now I am nearly free thanks to finding out about tax credits, getting back to work, albeit on a much reduced salary, and emotional support from friends, family and the internet!
There was plenty of money in our household but the thought of depriving my children of opportunities and a decent standard of living kept me in the marriage.
As a braver, more independent, financially more secure person I have been able to make things work for myself and the children. They have lost the financial support of having 2 working parents but if I could have my time again I would have left years ago to be a better role model and given them a more peaceful upbringing.
In my opinion financial security buys freedom from bad relationships and the lack of it coupled with a lack of confidence can cripple you.

[lunalelle]

Not my current marriage, no. I'd miss his silly face and socks on the floor ;)

I left my first husband, with a few boxes of stuff, and left everything else behind with him including the house. I rented a room while I sorted myself out and luckily found a job shortly after.