Terrified and need insight

[Homely1]

Separated and DH wants equal access to DC aged 2, who has had no time alone with DC. DC is in full time nursery. DH lives 40 min away. Could DH get equal access? Please help.

[moomoob]

Unless there's safety issues re your dh why shouldn't he be allowed equal access? ??

[Homely1]

But doesn't that mean living half the week with each parent?

[travertine]

You may need to provide more info for people to reply constructively especially if you are 'terrified' I always had shared access with my ex but logistically it was impossible for him to have equal access due to work and distance.

[Homely1]

How does that happen if nursery and 40 min distance!

[Homely1]

Sorry that was meant to be ? Not !

His actions have shown that he has not been interested on DC best interest. Not asking after DC, not making contact for a while etc. DH lies and has been EA so I cannot feel that DC is ok.

[travertine]

Homely, I am sure there will be clarification in the morning but I think that equal access doesn't mean sharing your child 50/50 but ensuring that both parents have access to the child with of course the best interests of the child being of utmost importance. Please seek legal help in the morning to find out where you stand.

[Homely1]

Thank you....

[SolidGoldBrass]

Two is very young to be put in the care of an abusive man who has not seen the child for a while. Do you have evidence of abusive behaviour, or neglectful behaviour? Do you think he genuinely wants a relationship with DC, or is this just the latest plan he has to scare and distress you?
You can certainly keep him out of the picture for the moment, as there is clearly no court order in place. He may not bother to take you to court as it will involve time, effort and money on his part to do so. You can insist that all contact with you is done via email (a good method for dealing with abusive men as if the emails are aggressive they are evidence of abuse) and ignore texts, refuse to answer the door if he turns up uninvited, put the phone down if he rings from an unrecognized number, etc.
DO you have RL support from friends and family who appreciate that he is abusive, or are you surrounded by idiots telling you to placate and obey him?

[Homely1]

The thing is, how does one actually prove emotional abuse? He is acting the victim. He had been seeing DC with me the went AWOL and now has returned. I have support for sure. He has threatened court if I don't come up with something. I just can't have DC life disrupted

[Homely1]

Plus never asked after DC yet now saying I've been holding DC and info about DC.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Do you have any texts/emails/letters from him which are abusive or unreasonable? Those might be a starting point. Also, how long did he vanish for? And do you know why he disappeared, or where he was? (If, for instance, he was in prison for a crime of violence that might help build a case against him being a safe, suitable person to have unsupervised charge of a small child.)

At present, he can threaten and demand as much as he likes and you can ignore him. At least, you can make reasonable concessions that don't play into his hands - you can email him and say that, due to his aggressive, unreasonable behaviour you will be restricting contact with you to email, and will not discuss anything other than him seeing DC under supervised conditions - is there another family member who could deal with eg taking DC to a cafe or soft play to see this man so that you don't have to deal with him?

Abusive men often demand things like 50% custody purely to upset the women who have dumped them - they don't actually want to spend time looking after the children. If treated with smiling, calm, slightly contemptuous indifference and stonewalling, he might give up and disappear again anyway.

[Variousrandomthings]

Shared access means he regularly has the kids 2 or 3 nights I think?

[Variousrandomthings]

Are you married? If so the mediator should help

[Homely1]

It was not prison and I really don't know why. Yet he explains the time as a true victim, with me be responsible/ at fault somehow!

He's only been partially interested in DC before. A bit woolly. Charming when sees DC then no calls /texts then sees DC again etc etc. Again, all my fault and apparently, I should be reporting to him re DC.

His paper trail really displays him as 'the victim'. What he's written consists of lies and manipulation. Very crafty.

He, I think, wants some sort of relationship. At the back of my mind though, his behaviour had been odd yet 'into DC' in person. The other issue I think is that he wants DC to mingle with his family though he does not understand thatcher needs to develop a relationship first.

I scared of further lies, of this victim status being believed. If him essentially taking DC in an environment where her interests are not put first, and of not knowing what's going on.

DH does not care if she is settled and has a routine. It's partly why I ask if he could get 50% is DC is in nursery and he is 40 min away. He would maybe argue that she does not need to be.

[Vivacia]

This is a very difficult situation. You have genuine concerns and he's been clever at laying a paper trail to the contrary. Yet, it may be that he's just not the same kind of parent as you. He may not be a great parent, but if he's good enough then it's in the children's best interests to have time with their dad and paternal family, even if it means a new routine or a couple of long journeys a week.

[something2say]

I work in this field. Shared access is unusual because it is not in the best interests of the child. He will be expected to understand that and if he pushes it in a court hearing, it will be an own goal.

Your job is to understand that the child needs to know her dad, not the other way around, and if you try to impede that, you will look bad. Tell the court that she doesn't know him very well but that she does need to. I would imagine he will be granted standard access based on her age.

Don't worry about the situation between you and he. This is not being tried in a family court scenario. The issue will be what's best for the child. X

[springydaffs]

Get in touch with women's aid 0808 2000 247. Call at night bcs lines busy during the day. Also sign up to the Freedom Programme (course info on their site). You need RL support and advice as well as info/support on here; though RL is more effective for breaking down the isolation and fear.

I doubt he'd get 50/50 with 1. How flakey he's been and 2. In view of 1. the PTB recognise the signs of EA, despite the bleeting on his part.

[Homely1]

Thank you so much.

Something2say, what is standard for DC age? I feel scared having read people who have been awarded half the week with one parent and half week with the other. This is my biggest worry and I appreciate the relationship. It's all about him and he is not seeing things from DC point of view. Also, that it's small steps in DC spending time alone without me.

It's true that he has been crafty on email. Do not know how to get around that. Would a new routine entail decreasing days at nursery really?!

[Homely1]

I just don't understand where all of this has come from given that he's been a bit aloof.

[pocketsaviour]

I would suggest you reply to his emails in a calm and factual manner pointing out the things that are untrue.

For example, if he says
"You prevented me from seeing DD for the last 6 weeks" then you reply
"You stated that I have prevented you from seeing DD for 6 weeks, however this is untrue. During this time I called you 3 times on [dates and times] and left voicemails. You did not reply. I texted you 15 times on dates and times] but you did not reply. I contacted your parents, who did not know where you were. If you had contacted me, I would have been happy to make arrangements for you to see DD."

[Homely1]

Thank you. Yes that's true. Whenever he has said he's wanted to see DC, I've made arrangements, albeit together. When I've offered time alone, he did not take it. It's only now that he is saying all if this. He has lied about so many things. And he is really really good at it. When I've replied factually, it has had no impact. It's actually got no response in part but also in part, he's refuted and created more lies!

[Homely1]

Do I respond outlining his lies?

[Isetan]

Stay calm!

The lies and aggression are designed to rattle you, so don't reward him with being rattled. Unfortunately, I've become accustomed to this tactic and in the beginning I was a gibbering wreck when court was mentioned. I soon realized that proactivity was better for my mental health than being reactionary, I became my daughter's advocate and fought for contact on her behalf.

All contact correspondence must now be in writing. Don't get sucked into his lies and waste time refuting his unfounded accusations, be factual and concise.

Do not go to mediation, it will be a waste of time because he will be too busy playing the victim.

Show initiative by drawing up a Parenting Plan, ask him what contact he wants and if it is impractical, counter with something more practical. I decided on a Parallel Parenting Plan because my DD is older and I wanted a rigid plan because Ex is a wriggler.

Accept that he isn't you and he will parent differently, children adapt to different routines as long as their consistent and on the off chance that he genuinely wants contact, it will be in your child's best interests to facilitate contact.

Do you know his family and do you trust them with your child? Contact with his family could be a good thing and you may want to think about initiating contact directly with them.

There's a good chance that as soon as he sees you being calm (not being frightened by his lies and aggressiveness) and reasonable (asking for his input, whilst being practical) he will disappear again because this could be about getting at you, rather than seeing his child.

Threatening court for child contact is one of the first chapters in the twats playbook, it may not feel like it now but this predictability is strangely comforting in the long term because you kinda know what's coming next.

Ex has scuttled back to the rock from whence he came but it took him a long time before he realised that his threats and mediation only made me stronger and more determined.

Stay calm!

[rootypig]

Glad to read something's advice. Facing my own separation with 2 year old DC and I am clear - totally adamant - that it would be so damaging and inappropriate for such a small child. My siblings did 50:50 in their teens, between houses a couple of miles apart, and even at that age it was tough. I understand how you feel, OP

[Homely1]

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to write.

Isetan, 'jibbering wreck' is spot on. You mention that this is the first chapter, what else is there to expect. How did yours go away? What is a parallel parenting plan? Mine is saying he wants equal time but he lives 40min away. I'm scared and worried. How do you cope? I do not trust him nor his family. There is that temptation to say that that is not true- I worry that without standing my corner, in court, he will come across as the victim that he is do great at playing. I wish he would crawl under the rock from whence he came too. I never know what will or will not come next. I feel that if I'm proactive, I'm giving him what he would not have bothered asking for given his previous behaviour.

Rootypig, how are you coping? What access does DH have?