Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

some words of encouragement please

17 replies

roses15 · 15/04/2015 19:06

Another newbie looking for support after H left just over 4weeks ago. We have been married nearly 30 years.3 grown up children and 2 grandchildren. H health hasnt been good for a few years in and out of hospital. 6 years ago he had an affair left home went to live with the ow came crawling back within weeks of moving in with her.

Yes I took him back! Things have been very tough over recent years the usual finances, work, health etc.I have been totally supportive of his many problems and believed we would ride the waves together.
He started a new job over a year ago has been in hospital 3 times since then. He became so absorbed in his work , fine I thought was pleased he had at last found something he enjoyed.

He started going on odd nights out with work colleagues and I did notice a bit of a change in him. The last few months he had been withdrawn not really interested in doing much Stupid me I presumed it was all health related.

We had a chat after trying to get to the bottom of what was going on with him when he announced that he thought he would be better off on his own!! I was crushed lots of tears from both of us. I spent the following 3 weeks wondering what would happen.

To cut a long story short he eventually after some discussion said he should go as cant put me through any more shit? Then spent the next few days waiting for him to leave. He has been living at his workplace . Have seen him couple of times to sort stuff out.
Yesterdays bombshell came through text saying he has somewhere to live and its cheap turns out he is moving in with the manager who is female!! Trying to make out that tberes nothing going on .
Do I have mug written across my forehead.
Next txt trying to make out they only been out a couple of times since he left and she is not the reason he left...

How can you love somebody so much and they treat us so bad.
I dont want him anywhere near me, im so hurt he still lies saying nothing has gone on.

Anybody out there make any sense of this mess.
Sorry I have gone on abit but wanted to give abit of a picture.

OP posts:

Report

Sickoffrozen · 15/04/2015 19:13

Because they are selfish self centred twats?

Seems like taking the piss once wasn't enough for him!

I feel for you but seriously, once is one too many. Twice is divorce time!

Report

Quitelikely · 15/04/2015 19:14

Take him to the cleaners.

Hold your head high. Act as though you aren't bothered and do not beg him to come home.

You are well rid of him and deserve so much more.

Report

roses15 · 15/04/2015 19:25

Hi quitelikely I have no intention of begging I know that I could not live my life waiting for the next time. I struggle to understand what it is with the men that do this.

OP posts:

Report

Sickoffrozen · 15/04/2015 19:29

They are selfish Roses. They put their own needs before those of anyone else.

Let her worry about his health and you get on with your life and have some fun. Sounds like you could use some after years of playing nurse to him!

Report

roses15 · 15/04/2015 21:01

Well said sickoffrozen it would be so easy for us if there was no emotional attachment. I have to get past that bit im hoping that no contact will help me.

OP posts:

Report

TheOldWiseOne · 15/04/2015 21:36

roses15 I think the thing that we struggle with is the sheer cruelty of them - the lack of respect - the lack of decency - the lack of yes "gratitude " even especially after we have taken crap before from them and then they cannot afford you the same level of respect. I don't know what goes on in their heads. You gave him another chance but now he has pulled the rug out from under you and yes it bloody well hurts. To describe it as traumatic is not an understatement - be kind to yourself - I am 4 weeks ahead of you in this sorry game.

Report

roses15 · 18/04/2015 17:18

Hi theoldwiseone been having problems with the internet first chance ive had to reply. Thanks for wise words. Bad day today total melt down this morning , they are not tears of wanting him back more sadness of the way he has treated me lie after lie. Frustration of not wanting to feel so bad. Anger how dare he have such lack of respect. Thinking how low can you get? Worry for the future.

I have to hold it together even though my dcs are young adults they need one parent to be strong.
Im hoping to start counselling very soon.
How are you other mums doing out there in similar positions.

OP posts:

Report

fairylightsbackintheloft · 18/04/2015 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 18/04/2015 19:36

DH told me a week ago he was likely to leave. Has confirmed it today

Words fail me.

Report

Frizzybear · 18/04/2015 19:52

Hi ladies, don't want to take over this most lovely ladies thread, may do my own when I get the courage, just want her to know she's not alone, the pain she describes is unbearable, to her, to me, and so many of us, my life is pretty much over as I knew it.. I think? 22 years, pain is more than i can cope with but need to be strong .... Lol what a joke that is, just want to keep going to bed,

Report

Vivacia · 18/04/2015 19:53

It's a shock and bereavement. Allow yourself to reel. Be kind to yourself.

Report

roses15 · 18/04/2015 20:35

Fairylightsbackintheloft I take it that you have tried to find out why he wants to leave, were you aware he was feeling this way.
Its a tough call this isnt it, I really feel for you and all you lovely ladies/mums. Together we will get through this.Keep posting I know I will now that I have plucked up the courage to give a brief description of my situation, it does help knowing your not alone.
We have to think do we really want to be with men that are capable of turning there backs on us, Ive gone through this 6years ago with dh he wont get a second chance , not that he wants one! Its ok to cry we are allowed perhaps we will become stronger.

OP posts:

Report

fairylightsbackintheloft · 19/04/2015 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/04/2015 08:36

So many of us know and understand the pain you are going through.
You can't describe it.
It's real physical pain. Your heart is literally breaking.
But.... So many of us have been there and we are all here to tell you that it will get better and you will come out of this stronger.
It won't feel like it now or next week or next month.
We can all promise you that light will appear eventually when you least expect it.
In the meantime do practical things.
See a solicitor and get some advice regarding divorce settlements. That often gets their minds focussed.
When realisation hits them that's not all going to be their way.
Wishing you all, all the best.
You will get there but you must grieve. Cry when you want. Scream when you want. Just get through this initial awful stage as best you can.
Hour by hour. Day by day.

Report

blizzardcat · 19/04/2015 08:45

Fairy - raising a split family isn't as bad as you think. I was terrified at the start, but actually, 2 years in, it's fine. Me and the kids are settled and happy. We have a lot of fun. The idea of being a single parent family takes a lot of getting used to and it is so hard when you never wanted to be in this position, but the idea of it is much worse than reality.

Hugs to you Op. What a git.

Report

Summertimeatlast · 19/04/2015 08:52

What I don't understand is how these awful men manage to find someone else to put up with all their shit so easily.

Report

roses15 · 19/04/2015 10:48

Its probably the biggest strength of our characters we will ever have to face. One thing I do no is that women are generally stronger than men. They can be weak and cowardly. This is a tough journey somehow someway we have to get through these dark days.My hope is that there will be a much better picture painted for our future with a stronger happier woman in it.
At the moment there are so many ifs, buts, whys, where, how etc we struggle to make sense of it all.