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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Exes u turn

93 replies

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 19:25

So I've written a number of threads on here recently about my partner leaving, another woman was involved although they don't seem to be rushing into the throws of a new relationship.

At first I found it difficult to deal with, it was so out of the blue, with two children in tow my whole life was turned upside down. I begged, I called and text almost non stop for six - eight weeks. Then I just thought I can't do this anymore and with a lot of hard work I have ament the last six weeks maintaining little to no contact at all.

My ex was adamant he didn't want to be with me anymore, but always has to add the it could be different in the future his feelings my change - I think it's his way of keeping me latched on.

Lately though he seems to have softened towards me, he is offering to help more , have the children more, he stops to talk when he drops the children off and has also reverted to calling me by my petname.

I just don't understand the sudden change in personality, he was awful to me when I left, he begrudged any help I asked for, would lie and became very self centres. he is still involved with other woman but I don't seem to care anymore, I am slowly detaching from him.

Is he just being adult or is the sudden change perhaps him starting to miss us ?!

OP posts:

Report

Caoimhe1922 · 13/04/2015 19:33

Hmmmm. Sounds like he is beginning to realise the OW isn't all that and a bag of chips.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/04/2015 19:35

It sounds like you detaching has suddenly rekindled his interest.

I think the term used here is hoovering. He doesn't like you not begging and pleading and he's trying to suck you back in

AlfAlf · 13/04/2015 19:37

He thinks he can have you whenever he wants, he's stringing you along. Please prove him wrong, you deserve so much more than the scraps he throws you.

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 19:49

I'm not falling for it I still maintain no contact apart from one call on contact day to make sure he is still having them etc. I don't update him in the week about the children anymore and I don't call or text/ reply to his texts.( although he rarely texts will just be a call or two every few days).

I don't tell him anything about my life on the days he picks the children up/ drops them off and I always shove a smile on and have an air of happiness about me - although he did get very angry with me that my life seems to be getting better whilst his is still dull, running his business and only spare time off is spent with the children, he seemed slightly jealous that my life is moving on.

Do these men ever realise that what they had wasn't so bad after all!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 19:54

would you be interested if he came crawling back ?

it sounds like it

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 20:15

It's very easy to say no I would never have him back, I could be adamant which I am that I would not have him back, but how can you be definite until you are slapped in the face with it ?!
I am not desperate for him to come back - January February I would have laid down on the floor and let him walk over me and back into my life - then I realised how desperate I was and that made me think about myself in all of this so I stopped and the more I stopped worrying the more I relaxed and have got on with my life.

It just seems the more that I am walking away he is suddenly having a change in actions and that is onviosy making me question his motive.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 20:20

his motive is obvious

he senses you pulling away and starting to make a life for yourself and his huuuuge ego doesn't like it

he prefers you begging and pleading, so well done you

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 20:25

So it's not a case of him slowly realising what he has lost but more of a don't move on just in case I change my mind I need you waiting.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 20:26

I would bet my house on it

cozietoesie · 13/04/2015 20:29

I'd bet AF's house on it also.

But seriously - you said it yourself. He's jealous and wants to keep you there 'just in case'.

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 20:31

It's been incredibily hard to detach because I had to leave my home , my job and change my daughters school it was all added pressure and he didn't help at all, to him it was just an inconvenience and whilst I was wallowing he was lapping up her attention.

Me and the children are now settled in a new home, new job , schools and I have my own car. I have fought so hard not be beaten by him and I don't want this to define me - but I also have a little bit of me that what's to know that he regrets it or the grass wasn't greener after all.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 20:34

what about your house, cozie

cozietoesie · 13/04/2015 20:35

Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't - and maybe the grass is greener and maybe it's not. Either way, he was taking you down with his treatment of you (and the children) and that's not a good basis for any relationship. You're doing better now I think? Stick to that.

(Sounds as if he'd prefer you to be crying your eyes out and a pale wraith though. Too bad.)

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 20:35

you would be an absolute fool to risk everything you have struggled for (despite his fucking arsiness) just for a bit of "closure" that even if you got it would bite you on the arse

BitOutOfPractice · 13/04/2015 20:38

OP I think that anyone who has ever been through a traumatic breakup has that daydream sometimes that their ex will come crawling back and beg for forgiveness, tell you that they've made the biggest mistake blah blah blah

I know I have. I don't think you'd be human if you didn't

The thing is that works both ways doesn't it? He didn't want you when you were begging. I'd bet AF' house that you woouldn't want him if he begged you!

You sound like you have done so so well - and now he sees the strong, wonderful, clever and resourceful women that he threw away. Only now it's too late

Viviennemary · 13/04/2015 20:38

Giving him the benefit of the doubt perhaps he has had second thoughts and regrets things. If you were the suspicious type (like me) you'd think hmm new woman not working out or maybe she has asked him to leave and he is trying to worm his way back in. Don't trust him.

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 20:39

I have more now than I ever did, I suppose it is just hard to let go and until I do, I guess I'll keep wondering what is making his mind tick.

He wanted us all to spend the day together last week! I knew then that by declining I was moving on as weeks ago id have jumped in the car and been off.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/04/2015 20:42

you lot keep your dirty mitts off my house !

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 20:43

They don't live together, he lives in accomodation through work and she has a young child and a home - they don't seem to be making any haste on having a relationship of sorts - he is consumed by his business and he spends the one day off with the children.

The bit I don't understand is that when I needed the help and was at my lowest he would have sooner spat on me - now I am calm and indifferent he Is always offering different ways to help me or fit around me etc

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cozietoesie · 13/04/2015 20:43

It's possible, I guess, Viviennemary. I just think it's hugely more likely to be that the OP has suddenly become more interesting to him because she's strong and independent again - a bit more of a challenge than she seemed to be, say.

Sadly, working his way back in would lead to the same situation all over again. (The bad treatment etc.) Challenge situations are not productive in my experience.

scarletforya · 13/04/2015 20:59

If he's buttering you up again, she's probably dumped him.

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 21:04

I don't know what is going on his life with reguards to her now a few weeks ago he was still persuing his love interest, I've stopped looking on Facebook and other social net working as that was just making me worse.

Now I've stopped all the obsessing and the constant contact I feel like I have lost a massive weight - or is just his sudden u turn, he wasn't interested in helping me out when I needed it most.
Then he felt put out because I had asked his mum for help and not him - yes because he would never help me so why would I !!!

OP posts:

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cozietoesie · 13/04/2015 21:14

...Now I've stopped all the obsessing and the constant contact I feel like I have lost a massive weight ...

Now that's good to hear.

Ratfinkandbobo · 13/04/2015 21:21

He's treated you and your dds like shit, massively disrupting all your lives. Remember this. As you are detaching he is panicking, please don't fall for it. He is a selfish untrustworthy shit!

Bambino1234 · 13/04/2015 21:40

So what's happens if as I ignore him more and carry on the indifference towards him and he's suddenly telling me he's sorry etc ... I should just continue on with my life as it is and not entertain him

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