Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

concerned where this may lead - a question about sex

(60 Posts)
allybgood Sun 12-Apr-15 13:54:49

I've been a long time lurker here. I love the site but I've never thought about posting anything before. And I certainly never thought I'd ever post a question about sex but here goes!

My husband and I have been together for nearly five years. We've always had what I thought of as a good sex life.

About a year ago, the subject of penis size came up in a conversation quite randomly. I can't even remember what started the conversation. I think it was something we saw on a TV show. Anyway, my husband asked me if I thought size mattered. Again, I can't really remember exactly what I answered but I think it was something like not really. I've come to realise whatever it was I said, it wasn't very convincing.

Three or four nights later in bed, completely out of the blue, he asked me how he compared to my previous partners. I've had 5, he's had a couple, and we'd always been very honest and open about our previous relationships. But we'd never really ever talked about the sexual aspect. Again, I said something non-committal like oh, you're all pretty much the same but I could see instantly that this wasn't going to wash. He was really quite insistent in a jovial sort of way and said something like come on, be honest. In the end - and I blame this on being a little tipsy, as we'd been out to dinner that night and he'd driven - I told him that he was a little smaller. He wouldn't leave it there though and finally I did tell him he was smaller that some of them. By this time, this was all getting a little steamy. He was obviously really turned on and I was too to be honest. When he asked me then really, am I bigger than some of them, I just said no, you're not, your the smallest I've had.

Now I have thought about this a lot and I still don't know why I told him that. I've come to understand in a way why he found it such a turn-on but I still don't understand why I found saying that to him so horny. Anyway, that was the end of the discussion because he fell on me and we had several hours of madly energetic sex!

After that night, questions about size or references to size just became more and more a part of our sex life. It's now got to a point that if I want to turn him on anywhere, anytime, I can whisper something like I bet he has a bigger one that you to him and I know that we'll be out of the supermarket and on the way home within minutes! I very rarely refer to his penis without "little" or "tiny" in front of the word now and it always has the desired effect.

As I've said, I've come to understand a little about why it turns him on. I've read about small penis humiliation on the web and I can see that it's not that unusual. I still don't really understands why it turns me on so though. It's not just that it turns him on so much!

I have been quite careful though. I have embellished, or probably more honestly, censored a lot of what I have told him about my previous partners. He is actually by far the smallest man I have been with and at least three of my previous partners were much bigger than him. I've always just said he was the smallest without going into further detail, even when he has pressed me for more information. I can usually divert him by saying something else explicit about his size and off he goes!

My problem is - and I apologise for the rambling preamble but I think what I am about to say wouldn't make sense if you didn't know all this - that he has started asking me if size matters to me. I have always said no, it doesn't and, when he starts to ask why or press my to justify, I just say if it did, would I still be with you after 5 years? But he clearly isn't satisfied and I'm pretty sure a lot of that is that I'm just not as good an actress as I think I am. There have been another couple of tipsy occasions where I have come very close to saying yes it does, but I've managed to hold out.

He's not going to stop asking me and I am really afraid that if I tell him what I really think, it's going to change this sexy game into something quite different. I love him very much and I don't want to hurt him but I also feel bad lying to him - even if it is a white lie.

I'd be really interested to know if any of you have ever encountered anything like this yourself. And I'll happily listen to any advice on whether I should keep my big fat mouth shut!

Thanks for listening!

dominogocatgo Sun 12-Apr-15 14:06:06

You could tell him that his is just the right size for you, and the bigger ones you've tried weren't comfortable and reduced your pleasure.

loveareadingthanks Sun 12-Apr-15 14:12:56

You know you can just say no to this development?

It's great you both enjoy it as far as you've gone so far. that doesn't mean you have to take it further into territory you are worried about, if you don't want to.

I'd have to say something to him to outline my boundaries. Along the lines of 'hey it's fun to talk about your size and stuff, but I'm not comfortable going into detail about my previous partners, and I'm not going to answer more specific questions. Please stop asking me X and Y. Let's just stick to having fun as we are then we are both happy.'

Done. You get to define what you are comfortable with sexually and I'm sure if you explain this, he'll be fine with it.

allybgood Sun 12-Apr-15 14:31:39

dominogocatgo - that's true, I could. But I wouldn't be telling him the truth and I'm trying my best to be honest without hurting him. I think what you have suggested would be spot on for many women though, so thank you.

loveareadingthanks - you are completely right, of course, and I don't feel powerless or as if I am being coerced (I'm not suggesting you are saying I am, I'm just letting you know). I am confident that if I said to him that I didn't want to discuss something - or even if I said I didn't want to play this particular sex game at all anymore - he would accept that. But I can also tell that this is a lot more to him than just a sex game. I really can't emphasis how much our relationship is based on truth and honesty. That's absolutely one of the reasons I'm with him and not any of my other partners!

I really don't have a problem telling him my preference or about my previous partners. I'm just scared that it will be a step too far. Part of me thinks it would just turn him on even more though. And - and this is what I really don't get, as I said before, I know that deep down it would really turn me on to tell him!

blue42 Sun 12-Apr-15 14:35:25

Speaking as a bloke here...

It sounds to me as though he already knows that size matters to you - he just wants to hear you say it. I'm pretty sure he has a good idea of where he is heading with this - the question I would have if you indulge him further is whether it will stay exciting for him, or whether it risks turning into some sort of inferiority issue, which could ultimately be devastating for you both.

Maybe sit him down and ask exactly where he is going with it. If it's a harmless kink that you both get off on, then great, but if there is something deeper that he is starting to explore, then I'd guess you'd need to know what that was before encouraging it.

allybgood Sun 12-Apr-15 14:43:51

blue42 - thanks blue42, you are right, that's my dilemma. I've read up a lot about small penis syndrome on the web and how it can lead to depression. It's something I'm scared about but I also feel that my husband is oddly very secure too. He is an amazingly confident man outside of the bedroom in every facet of life - and inside the bedroom too. I think - I hope - it is a harmless kink, as you describe it. It's just I'm not absolutely sure. I think your advice about sitting down and discussing this is really valuable.

And you are right again, I'm sure he does know that size does matter to me and that he just wants to hear me confirm that.

Mandatorymongoose Sun 12-Apr-15 14:58:32

If your sex life with your DH is satisfying to you then does size matter? Not in an ideal world preference way but an actually genuinely matter?

I think you do need to tread very carefully in how you answer him, if you choose to answer at all, it does seem like it could go either way here.

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 12-Apr-15 15:03:09

I thought small penis syndrome was men with extremely small and is also very rare. I think you are playing a dangerous game that could lead to him being hurt. There really isn't much a man can do about his penis size. How would you like it if he started saying your fanny was not as tight as his ex's. Same thing and just as cruel. Why be nasty to him unless you want a reaction. Odd.

blue42 Sun 12-Apr-15 15:03:48

If he's confident in other areas of life, then it's also quite possible that this just allows him to experience the other end of the spectrum in the bedroom. Perhaps that might shed some light on why you've enjoyed it to date as well - does it provide a bit of interesting role reversal, maybe?

Either way, if it's just a passing fantasy, then you probably don't want to tell him (effectively) that he's too small to satisfy you - because that will stay in his head a lot longer than the fantasy will.

Tricky one - good luck!

allybgood Sun 12-Apr-15 15:07:09

Mandatorymongoose - I think I get your distinction between ideal and genuine. Yes, it does matter to me. I do have a very satisfying sexual relationship with my husband. He's attractive and sexy, he's intelligent and very funny, and he's incredibly attentive and sensitive to my needs sexually. Without being too blunt, he has great fingers, lips and a tongue and knows how to use them. His penis is a lot smaller than the other men I've been with though. It is the first thing I noticed when I first saw him naked and I did think am I going to be able to get used to this? It didn't help that the partner directly before him was particularly big. But, as I said, every partner I have been with has been quite a lot bigger than my husband. Sex isn't all about penetration, and penetration isn't all about size, but without wanting to sound trite, size does matter to me.

allybgood Sun 12-Apr-15 15:11:45

itwillgetbettersoon - no, you are confusing small penis syndrome with actually having a small penis. Many men think they are small and this leads to anxiety, neuroses and depression in some. At least this is what I have gleaned from the web. And I truly don't think my husband has a tendency towards this.

Also, the difference is that he is asking me to tell him about his penis size and the size of my previous lovers. I didn't start out by volunteering any of this.

I'm certainly not going to ask him about his previous partners vaginas.

dementedma Sun 12-Apr-15 15:15:43

What size is he? I have a friend who worries about the size of his penis saying it is too small. He tells me it is 5 inches erect ( we are good friends lol) and that seems ok to me. Is it?

Zillie77 Sun 12-Apr-15 15:42:19

If your husband likes to be shamed or mildly humiliated in the bedroom, would it be possible for you to move on to some other areas? Would he enjoy being told that he is a "bad boy" or something like that? Would he like a light spanking? Perhaps you can explore that instead of delving deeper into the small penis kink, which does seem like it could become a complex.

Zillie77 Sun 12-Apr-15 15:44:08

D-ma: there was a study on this recently! The average length is about 5.5 inches erect. So your friend is doing okay.

VenusRising Sun 12-Apr-15 15:54:11

According to eastern thought, expressed in the Kama sutra, there are three types of penis and three types of vaginas.
Combinations of these six types with their compatibility are detailed here

Isetan Sun 12-Apr-15 16:14:42

But he's not being completely honest here, there is a point to his insistent questions and he's not telling and you're here speculating, rather than asking him. For a relationship where 'truth and honesty' is so important it, that seems odd.

If your H wants to fixate on his penis size than that's his business but I'd be pissed off at being used to validate his insecurities.

Tell him what you've told us. His questions make you feel uncomfortable because you feel your answers will be used as a stick to beat himself with and that makes you anxious.

GhettoFabulous Sun 12-Apr-15 17:09:36

Hmm. As something of a pervert myself, I'd be concerned that his next step would be to try to introduce another man into the scenario. Maybe not an actual man, but the idea of one. I'm saying this because all the men I know who're into small cock humiliation are also into cuckolding.

This is all rather led by him, isn't it? He introduced it and is now taking it further than makes you comfortable. If this is further than you want to go, a frank discussion of each other's hard limits would be my suggestion. It's easy to be caught up in the heat of the moment and step over a line.

pocketsaviour Sun 12-Apr-15 21:17:18

I'm absolutely on the same wavelength as ghettofabulous - I immediately thought cuckold scenario.

Or - he could be genuinely wanting to give you more satisfaction and maybe he's thinking about buying a big dildo or a penis sheath?

The fact that he keeps returning to the question makes me think he wants you to say "yes" so he can introduce something else.

Maybe ask him "do you want me to say yes it does matter? Because we've had this conversation 30 times and it's getting boring."

JaceyBee Sun 12-Apr-15 22:30:39

I also thought cuckolding! How would you feel about that OP?

allybgood Mon 13-Apr-15 01:10:34

dementedma - as much as my post is around penis size, I don't think my husband's actual size is really relevant. He thinks he's small and I've said I think he's small. What more is there to say? I'd go with Zillie77's advice.

Zillie77 - no, I don't think so. This is the only aspect of any submissive side he's really demonstrated. Thanks for your suggestion though!

VenusRising - thank you, very interesting.

Isetan - I think he is working through something that is difficult for him towards honesty. I've never thought of honesty as black and white. I don't think he's trying to validate his insecurities with me, but I do take your point, even if I disagree. I do agree with you - as with some of the other people who have responded - that I do need to discuss this with him further.

GhettoFabulous, pocketsaviour and JaceyBee - no, I'm sorry, this has nothing to do with cuckolding, I am quite sure - and I do know what "cuckolding" means in a fetishistic sense. It's amazing all the new stuff you pick up once you start looking into one kink on the web, as someone referred to it earlier. We both find the idea of a threesome, in any form, unappealing. I know this as we've discussed it in another context and we both agree it could never be for us. But again, I think discussing the root causes of his desire and where he wants to this to lead is the best course of action, so thank you for that.

crimsonh Mon 13-Apr-15 01:39:24

If this appeals to you then you may explore d/s relationship in your bedroom. But take baby steps towards it.
Cuckolding isn't on every man's agenda in d/s though.

pompodd Mon 13-Apr-15 08:56:12

allybgood - another man, here. At the heart of it doesn't it come down to this: he has asked you repeatedly if size matters to you. You have said it doesn't. But, actually, it does. You are still happy with your sex life, but he keeps pressing this point and you keep telling him something that isn't true. (As an aside, if size really does matter to you, then are you as happy with your sex life as you say you are??).

Now, I think he knows this - ie. that you haven't told him the full truth. And that might be bothering him (it would me). Or it might be that it's leading him off into certain fantasies or kinks that he enjoys.

I'm genuinely not having a go at you. I understand how you've got to where you have. So I think you have two options. Either keep going as you have - but if you do, you should expect him to keep coming back to this point again and again. Or tell him the truth - and accept that you can't control what his reaction to that might be.

jd56 Mon 13-Apr-15 09:08:10

Some men like to be teased. My husband is turned on by it.... He isn't small, but he isn't big either. Although he is a cuckold! It sounds like your man wants you to tell him the truth. Men aren't stupid, they know if they have a small penis or not. Take it slowly and both have fun!

Twinklestein Mon 13-Apr-15 09:40:08

Sorry but this just sounds 'Readers' Wives' to me.

Isn't the OP just a bloke trying to get women to talk about small dicks?

Cherryapple1 Mon 13-Apr-15 10:27:44

I think the OP isn't happy that it is small and actually wants to tell him. Or twinklestein could be right.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now