My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

what help is there out there for anger problems?

16 replies

ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 09:19

This is a difficult thread to make, my dh has aggression issues, not violent that's too strong aggression is the right word, its always been an issue/in the background , probably ways in which early on in our relationship I should have heeded, in hindsight. It was a problem at school etc has been an issue at work in the past. Its become an issue I cannot ignore now , not violence towards me, but arguing over discipline resulted in being told to stop being so stupid/piss off only to come down stairs minutes later ..no apology just sulked in the living room..this is becoming more and more frequent, weekends are horrible , im not going to specify incidents in detail, i don't need to I know its unacceptable and i feel its a bit Unfair on dh, as by the nature of this post its of course one sided. I just feel a bit sick and lost, i think I will text him saying we need a chat tonight. But i cant stand another 'its all your fault'fest If he refuses to take responsibility/seek help its over, its not fair on the dc,.and me, I have depression Fgs, I cant get well in this environment. What services fairly inexpensive is their someone can access? Sorry to ramble.

OP posts:
Report
ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 09:30

Sorry its longer than i realised x

OP posts:
Report
GoldfishCrackers · 02/04/2015 09:49

It seems to be more than aggression: it sounds like his problem is also that he sulks and blames everyone else for his bad behaviour.
Are you sure he's not just an arse?

Report
ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 09:56

It seems to always be my fault, is that not part of aggression issues? Sorry it sounds an ignorant question ...yea there is sulking I feel like its hard to anger issues start and personality ends i haven't Had a txt or anything saying im sorry etxetc he won't think he has anythinhything to apologise for coz i gt angry first.

OP posts:
Report
ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 09:58

To see where *

OP posts:
Report
ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 09:58

God excuse the spelling lol

OP posts:
Report
heylilbunny · 02/04/2015 09:59

He sounds seriously bad news as his is an ingrained personality issue, he also sounds extremely immature.

Report
GoldfishCrackers · 02/04/2015 10:04

Making the sort of changes you would like him to make is a big deal. A person has to recognise they have a problem and be really motivated to working on it to change. Could those 2 conditions apply to your DH? Realising what he stands to lose could be a motivator, but would it be enough?

Report
ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 10:04

I hear what you're saying , im not gonna slag him off , hes still my dcs dad etc but recently the aggression thing is a lot worse a lot more aimed at me as well without for coming apologies i find i can't move on from it unless theres apologies but i don't want a forced one.

OP posts:
Report
ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 10:06

Yep i agree Goldfishcrackers, i don't know ill have to find out.

OP posts:
Report
mommyof23kids · 02/04/2015 10:26

I used to be your dh. One of the reasons I behaved like that was because I always got away with it. It took years to change. I'd never act like that to my dh because I know he would leave me, he wouldn't put up with that kind of shit. I'm ashamed of how I was, it's a terrible way to treat people.

Report
ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 10:59

Thanks for your post mommy x

OP posts:
Report
Fugghetaboutit · 02/04/2015 11:01

My dh has had counselling from his gp for his low mood and anger issues. It has helped.
They said if it didn't he could do group anger management.

Report
pocketsaviour · 02/04/2015 11:32

Yes he would have to be motivated to seek help and genuine change.

My DS (now 19) has been through this, he developed really bad anger issues after his dad died. We had him punching through walls, smashing stuff up, swearing at me, etc. CAMHS were a great help once he found a counsellor who he could build a trusting relationship with. He does still sometimes lose his temper but has learned to walk away before he upsets someone. He ALWAYS apologises afterwards.

If my teenager can learn to manage his anger, your DH can too, is what I'm saying. But the desire for change has to come from him, not you.

Has he ever said "Yes I know I have a problem with anger and it's not fair on you and the kids"?

Report
Joysmum · 02/04/2015 12:31

I agree with the others. I too get upset and angry. Difference is that I know after the heat of the moment that I was wrong and I needed to change.

I'm in my 40's now and my outbursts are few and far between.

Your DH doesnt sound like this because he doesn't take responsibility for his own behaviour.

I'm sorry but I don't hold out much hope for change until he takes ownership and sees it as a problem and do wants to change.

We can change our own behaviour but we can't change others.

Report
rumbleinthrjungle · 02/04/2015 13:12

To find support you need to separate out whether he has a problem with his anger, or whether you have a problem with his anger.

If he has no problem with how he's behaving then he's not likely to be interested in finding local counselling- and any anger management approach will support him but also expect him to take responsibility for his behaviour and to work on making better choices when he's angry. Unless he wants that himself, it isn't something that can be done to him or for him.

If, as I suspect, you're the one with the problem, then it's looking for support for you about boundaries, where your red lines are, what consequences are there for his aggressive behaviour, for swearing at you. If it has no negative effects for him and he can see off any protesting on your part with a bit of 'it's all your fault' and being unpleasant, then he's got no reason to change anything and he'll be comfortable with things as they are. And you're left unhappy in a relationship, walking on eggshells with someone who isn't treating you with care or respect, or with concern for your feelings.

Report
ChoochiWhoo · 02/04/2015 17:27

Thanks for all replies you are all right ...just finding out if ill have to breakaway or work through x

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.