How many of you have an ex who doesn't ever see their DC, like ever ever?

[PeppermintPasty]

Hello. I have previous threads about my arse of an ex. I have never grasped how to link, forgive me.

I kicked him out in October 2013. Abusive emotionally, financially, physically etc, put up with stuff for years thinking we were making progress. All nonsense, with hindsight.

He started (verbally) on our 6yo ds one day and that was that for me.

Anyway, I am delighted he is out of my life. I was hoping he would always be in the dc's lives (ds, now 8, and dd, almost 5).

I just can't list all the stuff that has gone on since then, suffice to say it has been like an episode of Jeremy Kyle (on his side I might add!)

He lives close by, and works most days in our village, with his father (equally gruesome really). For six months he has not seen or communicated with the dc's, as he just refuses to engage with me or deal with the fact that I am their mum and he must therefore communicate with me.

He doesn't do this, I believe, because if he were to grow up and talk to me, he would have to 'own his shit' as it were, before he could move past it and get on with being a dad.

He has got a newish gf, I know next to nothing about her, though she has three dc, similar age to mine I think. I was hoping this would give him some happiness/security, whatever, and that the knock on effect would be he would want to sort it out.

But no. He continues to blame me, says I am stopping him seeing them (I did, but this was because of an issue around neglect relating to his last gf and her dc), and he won't accept that he has breached my trust and we need trust and mutual respect to get on with being parents.

So, he never sees them. Ever. I have drawn my line in the sand and I think it has more to do with him being angry at me for saying no to him. No when I chucked him out, no when I pulled contact, and so on.

Yet, he drops round bloody Easter eggs! And birthday presents! Though Christmas presents were Dropped off 7 weeks after Christmas, they turned up too! Yet he won't address stuff with me and get on with being a father.

He can't be arsed can he? His stepmother basically said that when she and I last spoke.

How many of you have something similar? Ie no contact ever, living nearby etc? I find it so bizarre.

[BertieBotts]

Yep. Although we don't live nearby any more. No cards or presents since DS was about 2 or 3 either.

[PersonalClown]

Ex twatface up and left 12 years ago now.
His mum was dying of cancer and I told him to go home to be with her when she died. I couldn't take 9 month old Ds due to chemo etc
I saw him again 18 months later when he just expected me to take him back like nothing had happened. No visits, no phonecalls, no money for Ds, nothing.

As I refused to have anything to do with him except Visitation/Access, he threw a tantrum and not getting the sympathy and respect he deserved and I haven't seen him since.

12 years now and not a word. He owes around 12k in child support payments.

[Cherryapple1]

Yep me. But he tells folk I have turned them against him. I am just going through CMS for maintenance now. It is grim. Feel so ashamed. Mine are older teens. Every now and then I get a oh I wish I could see him, or wish he was nice. They prob could see him if it was all on his terms. Then he would vanish again - and I would be left picking up the pieces. Breaks my heart really.

[PipsPotatoes]

I've got a thread going at the minute about my ex who lives less than half a mile from our house, he passes by here, I've seen him. But since he left 4 years ago, he hasn't seen his children. I lived in the house I lived in with him for a year after he left, he never came round, never put cards through or gave money, never left gifts or essentials for the dc. The csa recently found him and tried to make an attachment to his earnings but he quit his job and doesn't claim benefit. His gf provides everything. He's also now made an admittance that he just wants a quiet life and would gladly sign them over to someone else.

I'm married now and my DH would like to adopt them. My other thread is about starting that process.

It is bizarre. And the children are so innocent in it all, it's heartbreaking that the ex's can be like this towards their own kin.

[PeppermintPasty]

Isn't it bizarre? That's the word. Yes, I saw your thread Pips, I hope you get somewhere with the adoption process.

I often say to friends when they ask if he's seeing them that I think he'll be that saddo in the pub 30 years on, still blaming the ex, telling anyone who'll listen that if it wasn't for me he'd be father of the year or something. He's a loon.

[GoGiYerHeedAWobble]

My ex finds life with our 4 children too hard.

He sodded off with a woman who is meticulously tidy and her two children who she has half the time for (in his words) an easy life and a tidy house.


He thinks nothing of coming on holiday half an hour away from us and not asking to see our children, or even asking after them at all.

He says it's an embarrassment as one of our children has gender dysphoria and another has adhd, neither of which he can cope with.

He's a twat who is losing out on the 4 most amazing people, although his amazing contribution of £200 a month is all he ever goes on about to his family as I'd that makes up for any actual parenting.

[Cherryapple1]

I think these men will ultimately end up very lonely.

[Four125]

Yes, exH hasn't seen DD for years, I don't understand it. Now in her teens she never wants to see him again.

He wouldn't pay either if it weren't for the CSA (CMS).

[PipsPotatoes]

Thanks peppermint. Yes it will always be someone else's fault in their sad little minds.

[PeppermintPasty]

Re the dc never wanting to see them again, I have warned him time and again that they will be the judge of him, and that no one else's opinion of him (ie mine) matters, and all he says is that will judge him 'when they know the truth', as if there is some profound reason for his non contact, or that I am filling their heads with untruths, which makes me arf.

So he dropped round eggs for them yesterday (dc are at my mum's at the mo), and in the bag is a complimentary ticket for two children for a visit to our local zoo! I sussed him immediately-he's been there with someone else's children, most likely his gf's, but he can't sort his head out sufficiently to be a real dad to his own and take them for a nice day out! Idiot.

[springroses]

Yes, I left my exP when I was pg with DD and he has never seen her at all (she is 12 now). He's an abusive violent person so she is not losing out on much. I personally am relieved that I'm not having to deal with his manipulation over contact/maintenance as so many other single mums have to. It is simply as if he doesn't exist.

There is a lot written about how children will suffer and will grow up maladjusted if they don't know their biological parents or where they came from, but I don't see any evidence of this in DD. She doesn't ask after him and seems to be remarkably well-adjusted, content and achieving well.

[meglet]

yes. XP was abusive and he hasn't seen the dc's in 6yrs (he left when they were small).

contact dwindled after a few weeks, too much aggro, police involved, attempt at mediation stopped after he got angry.

He lives nearby and has always paid via the csa. no cards or anything though thank goodness. I live in fear of him deciding he wants to see the dc's.

I think the reality of children was too much like hard work for him. easier to ignore it.

[PeppermintPasty]

Yy, my dc (biased much?) are utterly lovely, and very well adjusted IMO.

Some 'friends' where i live seem to think that contact with a biological dad, no matter how crap he is, is better than no contact at all, which I heartily disagree with.

Despite this, I have tried everything in my power (short of letting him pick them up and drop them whenever he fancies) to get and keep him involved. The truth is, for me and the DC, that while he is so unstable (he drinks and drives, takes drugs when he can, won't MOT and insure his car etc-he's 32 FFS!), the DC are much much safer without him around.

I feel very upset for them though, sometimes. My little boy has been in tears about his daddy more than once

[MissBehave81]

Disagree as well PeppermintPasty, I know it's horrible but sometimes I wish my ExP had disappeared too. Like someone said, they leave us to pick up the pieces and then go on their merry way.

These kind of men are the ones who will contact their grown up children when they're old, sick and need a transplant.

The other day I found an article about Justin Bieber's dad and this thread reminded me of it. The dude knocked a teenage girl up, left her to raise the baby on her own and now that the kid is rich and famous, he's part of his entourage and worse of all enables all of the things that have gotten him in trouble with the law. I actually felt sorry for the kid.

[meglet]

no dad always better than crap bio dad imo.

[mama1nenene]

yup ex doesn't see ds much....used to...last saw him December...speak to him every couple of months...i used to call to check he was ok as he was having a rough time(ie homeless through choice really) for a bit. then stopped as i realized that it is not my place to be constantly worried about someone who doesn't really worry about me or DS. last saw him in December...i have spoken to him in jan and he called last month saying he would come see ds...but nothing...he lives a 10-15 min drive away....he has so much as told me that he doesn't like to come round because he cant be with me...and i said its not about me its about ds.
I am slowly starting to stop beating my self up for feeling i have failed DS. I have tried to keep him involved but how much are we meant to do really?? It is DS birthday this month...he wont remember unless i call to tell him...but should i be doing that? we get no money or support of any kind from him....

some men just need to grow up....don't know what else to say about them. I don't think we will see him for another couple of months...unless if i call to remind him about the b day in which case he may come to say happy b day and show face for 10 min.

He gets upset when i say DS does not know him as dad....but how would he...lol..men!!!

i think at the end of the day as mothers we do the best we can at filling that gap and pray that our DS's are not damaged too much by it. For the non-existent fathers...it is their loss. hopefully they will realize when it is not too late.

[Tutt]

My DS's father hasn't seen him in nearly 10 years.
I tried and tried to keep the relationship for my DS even putting up with abuse from the father years after he left! I used to text/phone to arrange for him to pick up DS, he would agree then not turn up.

The last time DS saw him was in the local Mall a few months ago and his father didn't recognise him, I asked DS now 18 if he stopped his father or speak, his reply was 'I don't knw the man Mum so why would I', he also said he doesn't want anything to do with him.

He owes me approx £50k as he cleared my bank account when I threw him out, took out loans and I had to repay them and 15 years of child support.

CSA couldn't find him and his family wouldn't tell me where he was (understandable as extremely abusive and violent).

I also know Mum's who don't see their own children, didn't see my own Mother from the age of 6 till I was 14.

[PeppermintPasty]

Yes Tutt, no doubt there are women too who don't see their children. Either sex amazes me really. And mama I feel a similar way. I beat myself up, well, I am really trying not to. So many other things to feel guilty about as a parent

On balance I wish my ex wouldn't do the birthday/Christmas thing I think. It's like re-opening wounds for the dc every time.

Mind you, I worry that I am projecting as I had a brilliant lovely dad. I keep telling myself that they have ME, and I'm bloody marvellous!

Very hard though. I suppose I'll have to wait and see if I did the right things when they are old enough to understand. I bloody hope I am doing them.

[meglet]

peppermint yes, crossing my fingers here too.

I do have a slight fear that ds will meet his dad when he starts going out to pubs I 10yrs or so. going to have to figure out how to prepare him I think.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

My ex sees DD about 4-5 times a year. If it wasn't for his parents, he probably wouldn't see her at all. He's too busy with his new family (No more children, but a stepdaughter)

With some people, I think they cant separate their relationships with the other parent to their relationship with the DC's. It's like they have to dump the children to fully dump the parent.

[CrispyHedgeHog]

Yes, divorced in 1997. He never saw the kids until he turned up out of the blue in 2009, saw them two or three times, decided he didn't like them much and hasn't been seen since.

Last I heard he was in prison after his wife after me died during a drunken fight a couple of years ago.

[AccordingtoSteve]

I've been through this and come out the other side.

I was with my oldest daughters dad for about three years. We kind of planned to have her (we were very young and I was very naive) we were living abroad at the time and earning good money. However I came back to UK to give birth. We had lined up a new job in another country and left to go there and set things up for us. However, he found someone else while he was there and I got a letter informing me of this when I was 8 months pregnant.

So I gave birth alone, and raised my daughter on my own. He swore he was never coming back to this country but ended up back here a few years later. He has had very little contact with her at all. In fact he had another daughter and didn't tell her about my daughters existence, to my knowledge.

My daughter is now in her 20's a very well rounded, polite and intelligent woman. I kept connection to her paternal side of the family via his parents and she now knows how to get in touch with him if she wants. She doesn't choose to do this very often and is a lot closer to her stepfather. As it should be, he was the one who brought her up and has stuck with her even now she is grown up.

Some men do not deserve to be fathers at all.

[KatieScarlettreregged]

I was the child as mum had a no contact order.
I shudder to think how my life would have turned out if I had been made to keep in touch with my father.
Best decision ever. Thank you random Scots Judge for keeping me safe and allowing me to form positive views on men and relationships.

[DrCoconut]

15 years NC with ex now. Loved every minute of it, it is the best thing for DS.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

My hairdresser told me I shouldn't feel sorry for DD, because she has a family who love her and a Mum who will stick around no matter what.

So I don't feel bad that she has little contact with her dad because she as me, my family, friends and his parents who will always be there.