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Relationships

Young couple help me please, I'm broken.

37 replies

Johndoe21 · 29/03/2015 02:28

This isn't going to be short but a very, very brief version is 'I really love this girl, her friend told me some stuff and I don't think it's ever going to work'

Here's the long one

So, I'm posting here again after last time. I received some great support and I really apreciate it!

So, me and this girl have known each other for 5+ years. I'm madly in love with her. She was my first love and she is my current. I couldn't think of anyone I'd rarther do just about anything with but her.

So, we dated about 4 years ago for 1 year. It was great but we were much younger, so it's not much to do with this.
So her new boyfriend (just after me) of 3 years, what a dk. If I'm honest with you I think he's her first love. It kills me to say that but I think it's true.
So recently they broke up and me and her have been getting much closer. Before I go into more detail of that I must add nearly exactly a year ago around this time we started to see each other again when her and her new guy went on a break and everything went great, the feeling came rushing back to me again. But he came back into the picture and I got fked over.
Now, like I said. Me and her have become a lot closer in the last 3 months and she recently split with her other half (1 month ago). She stays at mine at least once a week, we cuddle and act like a couple but we're not and we both know it. She came on a very long drive with just me and her to see about 12 of my family members she's never met and she was fine with it, they even thought we were together.
Now, I met her friend today for a chat and apparently she's been saying I try to hard and she'll never see me as anymore that a friend and she will never do for me what I do for her. Now, her friend tends to make A LOT of things up, she's known for it and this girl has a thing for me.
But then again I might try a little hard, I bought her flowers, massive Easter eggs, meals out in amazing places, I paid to have her hair done, random texts for the morning and night. Everything I could. I never get any of that from her. Not even as Easter egg. Sounds pathetic but put it into justification.

Now, what I'm asking is what do I do next? I really love this girl. I know I do. I DO NOT want to break anything off with her. I cannot lose her again. But I also don't want to tell her how I feel because I'm 85% sure she doesn't feel the same way and I don't want to keep it how it is because she'll talk to other guys, she'll 'friend zone' Me etc. so what do I do?

Thank you for reading everyone,

OP posts:
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CaoNiMa · 29/03/2015 02:30

Sorry to say, but it doesn't sound great. Probably best to gird yourself emotionally and get out of there.

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MinesAPintOfTea · 29/03/2015 02:37

Speak to her. None of this possessive spoiling, just have a chat about whether she thinks the two of you have a future as a couple.

Then accept her answer and either be happy or move on. Anything else is disrespectful, creepy and doing yourself a disservice.

Friend zoning doesn't exist, just not feeling that attraction is mutual.

Sympathies though, dealing with your first breakup is something that takes a lot of people a long time to get over.

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BitOfFun · 29/03/2015 02:38
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quietlysuggests · 29/03/2015 02:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2015 03:30

You can either talk to her and find out where she stands or you can continue to feel miserable and not know where you stand.

But you must be prepared to accept her decision. If she sees you only as a friend, or a 'time-filler' between boyfriends then my advice to you would be to move on and start looking for someone who can appreciate you and care for you the way you deserve.

I DO NOT want to break anything off with her. I cannot lose her again. But you will lose her again. If she doesn't feel the same way you do, she will inevitably find another boyfriend and will be off like a shot. Someday she'll meet her Mr Right and marry him. Where will you be then? Far better you leave it go now and try to find someone else.

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blueberrypie0112 · 29/03/2015 04:15

If she haven't gone back with you, she never will. My cousin married her high school (in U.S. term since you are probably in U.K.) sweetheart .when she went to college, she dated someone else for awhile, then she and high school sweetheart decided to get back together and been married since this day.

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blueberrypie0112 · 29/03/2015 04:27

Meaning if she took you seriously, she would have known you are the person she want to be with and never look back like what my cousin did.

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mathanxiety · 29/03/2015 05:27

You call her previous BF a dick and it kills you that he may have been her first love. You consider that you were fucked over when this BF came back into the picture.
You seem to see yourself and the other guy as rivals with the girl as a prize you are both fighting over. This is possessive and very creepy.

In particular, it is really, really offputting that it 'kills you' he may have been her first love.

You admit 'I bought her flowers, massive Easter eggs, meals out in amazing places, I paid to have her hair done, random texts for the morning and night. Everything I could. I never get any of that from her. Not even as Easter egg. Sounds pathetic..'
She does not owe you anything.

You are smothering her and trying to possess her, and your feelings about the 'first love' is something that would have me running for the hills.

What you do next is you walk away and you try to get over her. You are not ready for a relationship right now. When you have matured enough to accept that women are not possessions that are taken from you by others, or won by you, and you are able to read and respect other people's signals better, then maybe start thinking about relationships again.

In the meantime try being 'just' friends with women on the strict understanding that they do not owe you anything.

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Vivacia · 29/03/2015 06:59

I cannot lose her again.

You don't "have" her now. Take the friend out of the picture and look at the facts. She doesn't see you as boyfriend material. Your friendship just comes with Easter egg and haircut benefits.

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GoatsDoRoam · 29/03/2015 07:36

You want to date her and she doesn't want to date you.

You are having a VERY hard time accepting this: you even call yourselves a "couple" in your thread title, when you blatantly are not.

Step away from her. All this cuddling and flowers and drama is just feeding your fantasy and your hurt feelings. You will heal much more quickly if you stop seeing her, until the day that you too can see her as a friend, rather than as a romantic prize to be won with flowers and chocolates and drama.

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FayKorgasm · 29/03/2015 07:49

You're not a couple. You probably won't be. She owes you nothing. Move on with your life.

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YonicScrewdriver · 29/03/2015 07:51

Yup to all the above.

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ScrambledEggAndToast · 29/03/2015 08:30

She knows what she can get from you and is taking advantage. It sounds like she's just waiting for her next boyfriend to come along. Sorry to be blunt but she's already told her friend that she only sees you as a friend. You sound as though you'd make the right person a great partner but I don't think she's the girl for you. Sorry.

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HazleNutt · 29/03/2015 08:33

you won't lose her - you don't 'have' her in the first place. I was writing that she sees you just as a friend, but that's not the case either - most people do nice things for their friends, but as you write, she only takes.

I've had guys like you in my life, when I was young. Obviously in love, would to anything even if they got nothing back besides an occasional cuddle, if that. Sure it was convenient to have someone - between boyfriends - who would do anything for me, but those never, ever developed into relationships. (Of course, nowadays I would make it immediately clear that this is not going anywhere, but was young and selfish then).

She knows you for a long time. She's single. If she wanted to be in a relationship with you, she would be. Sorry, not what you want to hear but stop pursuing her and find a girl who is actually interested in you.

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Pepperpot99 · 29/03/2015 08:34

You paid for her to get her hair done? really? I'd go out with you myself for that. I'm sorry to say you are her meal ticket - you do realise that don't you? and her part time f**k buddy. Sorry to sound brutal but I think the scales need to fall from your eyes.

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RoganJosh · 29/03/2015 08:43

My guess would be that she is very fond of you but doesn't really fancy you. I don't think there's any way to recover that.

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liveloveluggage · 29/03/2015 08:45

If she accepts all those things from you, with no intention of forming a real relationship she does not have a very good character. She is really just using you, although you are letting her, not a very good dynamic in any relationship. Now is the time to LTB.

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AuntieStella · 29/03/2015 08:48

You were in a relationship with her when she was a girl.

She's now a woman, and is not that interested.

You can choose to remain as friends because you like her. Or reduce contact because you actually aren't interested in being friends.

But you cannot make someone else want to be in a relationship with you, and no amount of time/gifts etc is going to make that change.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 29/03/2015 09:09

Dude
She's using you. You are providing a lot of boyfriend needs but she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend. I expect she's too immature to really acknowledge what she's doing (assuming you're both young) but she is using you.
For the sake of your self esteem you need to back right off. You sound pretty desperate.

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YonicScrewdriver · 29/03/2015 09:19

You've been back together a month and she stays at yours once a week, and you're shovelling presents and payments for personal care at her.

Ehric, the flowers, massive Easter egg and expensive meals have all come from the OP without the woman having a chance to have a say, as far as I can see. Accepting the hair salon payment was probably unwise though.

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Branleuse · 29/03/2015 09:22

shes just not into you. You need to move on.
You wont lose her because she was never yours. Youre winding yourself up but if she hasnt fallen in love with you now she isnt going to.

You talk about her like a possession or a prize to win from another man.

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AlternativeTentacles · 29/03/2015 09:28

You are not a couple. And you are pretending to be mates in the hope that she will see sense even though you know she doesn't feel the same way.

Seems to me, you are the one 'friend zoning' her. Ready to guilt trip her at every opportunity.

You tell us - how do you think this will end?

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gamerchick · 29/03/2015 09:35

I think the hardest and only thing to do when you're this much addicted to someone is to go NC with them.

Have one honest conversation with her no matter how scared you are of it and if you don't have a future then you need to stop seeing each other.

You can't make her love you the same way you do her and it sounds like she's using the fuck out of you anyway.

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YonicScrewdriver · 29/03/2015 09:40

Gamer, why do you think she's using the fuck out of him?

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Branleuse · 29/03/2015 09:42

its basically an overgrown crush, it isnt love. You will see this later

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