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Resent my DH for not wanting a third child

(79 Posts)
BingBong36 Sat 28-Mar-15 07:03:32

Since my second DC was born in 2011 I have been wanting another baby as I always wanted 3 children and I just do not feel my family is complete. My husband has always said no way. This has caused arguments, tears, heartache.

The last couple if months I have just given in, told him ok fine no more babies ��

I feel so bloody resentful, it eats me up. I'll be 37 soon and soon the decision will be taken out of my hands.

My question is, has anyone been in the same boat and how do I get over this without resentment? I am really trying.

Thank you

I

Littlemonstersrule Sat 28-Mar-15 08:49:11

Nobody should be forced to have a child they don't want. You are blaming it all on him but don't appear to see you are in the wrong to try to force him into a huge commitment he doesn't want.

You need to work on your "incomplete" feelings, your other children don't need to feel that they are not enough for you.

Concentrate on what you have, the grass is not always greener elsewhere.

Rebecca2014 Sat 28-Mar-15 09:37:35

I'm going be a bit harsh here. He has every right to decide how many children he wants. Some men don't even want 2 children.

Work out if you want be a single mum to 3 kids or be happy with the lovely family you have got. My relationship would come first over having a third child.

pombearsforbrunch Sat 28-Mar-15 09:52:16

For what it's worth (and I know it's not much), but I wish we'd stopped at two kids. If we had, we could have gone on better holidays, afforded better schools etc etc. Christmas wouldn't be such a stress. I wouldn't be so knackered. And we certainly wouldn't have as many arguments. You're blessed with two kids. That's great. If your husband doesn't want any more, then accept that and get planning the things you can do with hotel rooms for four. Honestly. Get over it and move on.

SonnyJimBob Sat 28-Mar-15 09:58:29

I agree with one of the posters above. If the child is not wanted by both parents, then he may end up resenting you.

pinkfrocks Sat 28-Mar-15 09:58:38

why do you want another child? why are 2 not enough? I assume he feels you cannot afford a 3rd or he doesn't have the emotional and physical capacity to be a dad to 3 kids.
What does he say?

Mrsteddyruxpin Sat 28-Mar-15 10:01:10

I think you have the perfect family. I can understand your desire for more but its a massive commitment. Surely you discussed all of this before settling down together.

JustNameChanged Sat 28-Mar-15 10:04:27

I think your being to harsh on the OP, she has chosen her marriage over having another DC but wants some help and advice to help overcome her feelings, her feelings aren't wrong.

I don't have any advice im afraid OP I hope someone comes along who does thanks

pinkfrocks Sat 28-Mar-15 10:07:19

well I think she needs to explain and understand why her DH doesn't want another. Those reasons may give her the understanding she needs to come to terms with it because I assume they are financial or down to lack of energy to parent a 3rd.

Sausagerollers Sat 28-Mar-15 10:58:48

Why don't you start focusing on things for you? Do you have a career for example (and there's a vast difference to a job and a career). I have always worked, but changed career after my second child and it's given me a sense of fulfilment I really wasn't expecting.

Doing something well, that makes a difference and that you get paid for (& in turn can provide wonderful things for your family) can be really rewarding.

I'm not trying to trivialise your desire for a third DC, or compare a career to a child, but my desire to have my first child was wrapped up in my desire for my life to change; is it possible your yearning is for newness as well as new life?

Also, on the pratical side, I imagine you're picturing that your 3rd child would be a healthy baby, but financially and emotionally could you honestly cope if your third child wasn't 100% healthy? What if they were born with a condition which dictated you became a full time carer, had to travel to specialist schools and provide round-the-clock care for a human until you or they pass away? How would that impact on you, your DH and your existing children?

I think when we're longing for something we're often just picturing the best case scenario, but you need to think of ALL scenarios and if your desires should out weigh that of your DH and possibly your DC too.

googoodolly Sat 28-Mar-15 11:24:09

I think some anger towards your DH is natural, BUT you need to let it go. Counselling could help you come to terms with things and it could give you a private space to vent away from your family.

You need to accept that the person who doesn't want more kids will always trump the one who does. It's horribly unfair to bring a child into this world when one parent is actively against it. I'm sorry, I know it must be hard but you need to accept it before it destroys your marriage.

dreamingbohemian Sat 28-Mar-15 11:29:17

Tbh I think it's a bit horrible when people say things like 'my family is not complete'. You are lucky enough to have a husband and two lovely children. That IS your family. I can't imagine looking at them and thinking it's not enough.

We have one child, we could not afford anymore, but we are perfectly happy. I have never once felt 'incomplete', I just feel very lucky to have what we have.

CaptainRex Sat 28-Mar-15 11:38:05

I also think pp are being harsh too. How many of you have actually had to face this situtation and know the physical pain it can cause.

I'm coping with only having one child, it was discussed with my DH before we married but he changed his mind after the first and refused to discuss it properly and now Im mid forties. We have tried Relate, I've had various counselling, and whilst it helped, all they would say is that we need to talk more and that I will almost certainly always have feelings of regret over the "path not taken". I resent dh very much now, he wasnt honest earlier in our relationship and much damage has been done by this.

To be honest, there is no quick fix, finding other things to focus on, other interests help, focusing on what you do have etc.

pinkfrocks Sat 28-Mar-15 12:25:30

PP- I think there is a difference between having one child, and having 2 and wanting 3.
There may be many reasons why 2 is better ( or not) than 1, but I doubt there are as many reason why 3 are better than 2.

From a purely eco point of view, 2 replace ourselves- mum and dad- 3 increase the population of the planet and Is actually think that is something to consider as well as personal wants.

BingBong36 Sat 28-Mar-15 12:27:52

Thanks for all of your messages I do appreciate it.

The only reason why he doesn't want another is financial, that is why I have backed off and accepted it.

But while he is happy getting on with his life I feel really very sad that I do have to just accept it and move on,and that is that.

We could afford another. It may be a little stretched, but we could do it.

glittertits Sat 28-Mar-15 12:29:13

You have a choice.

Your third child, or your husband.

Having a third child with your husband isn't going to happen. So you choose to learn to be ok with 2, or you leave and pursue another relationship.

unnaturalmakeup Sat 28-Mar-15 12:30:36

How many of you have actually had to face this situtation and know the physical pain it can cause.
You're right, actually. Lots of us won't know what it's like to be in a good relationship with the father of our healthy child/children and wanting more. I'd love to have what the OP has, and many would love to have what I have. Life doesn't always go the way we plan, and while it's OK to be sad about that, we have to accept and be grateful for what we do have. Many people don't have any children, and never will be able to. Many people want good partners/husbands, but don't.

ChipDip Sat 28-Mar-15 12:48:24

I think you're being massively selfish here for forcing this upon your DH. You really need to address why you would only feel complete with one more child. What if it's another after that? Financial reasons are a huge reason to not want a child. Why should he live with it being a 'stretch' just because you can afford it. Is your DH the only one working?
Sorry but I have to say that you should be grateful with what you have already and not cause a problem in the family over this.

pinkfrocks Sat 28-Mar-15 12:53:35

I think you need to find some sort of fulfillment outside of being a mum, too. Two children can be enough imo for anyone and take up a huge amount of time, money, energy and emotional reserves-you haven't hit the teenage years yet! I know many families where the 3rd was unplanned too and although they love that child dearly they also say that 3 is much harder than 2.
Maybe some solo counselling would help so you get to the bottom of why you always wanted 3 and feel incomplete? I always wanted a huge house and haven't got one so I could say I felt incomplete!

Rebecca2014 Sat 28-Mar-15 12:54:59

The fact is he doesn't want to struggle financially, he most likely wants that extra money for holidays etc. Lot people stop at two for the same reason.

Like many other people have said, you can keep pressuring him and he either resent you or worse leave you a single mum. Or you just move on and forget about it. We can't tell you how to get over the pain but just point out what could happen if you keep pushing the issue on your partner.

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 28-Mar-15 13:02:35

I think some people are being a bit harsh. You have said you have chosen your husband, but of course your feelings of wanting another child and being upset he doesn't want one won't dissolve overnight. It has taken me several years to come to terms with a smaller family, no more children and the impending menopause and it has been a very gradual process. It is extremely natural for people not to feel 'done' after 5 or to feel 'done' after 1 and I am surprised how many people on here can't seem to empathise at all with these feelings.

They will change over time and what you will also notice as you go on is that there are advantages to two, just as I'm sure if you had your third, you would have advantages of that too. It is better to be together and good parents to two than have a third under the strain of finances (the worst strain of my life has been over debt/finances, really keeps you awake at night).

But being sad is allowed too, as is any reason you don't quite have the family your hormones and feelings imagine- whether that be ending up with none, two or lots.

BingBong36 Sat 28-Mar-15 13:16:46

Thank you for the messages from those who understand.

To those if you implying that I am being selfish, I am not. I am not even talking to him about it I accept it isn't going to happen my issue now is dealing with resentment I have for him and his decision,

He is happy and I am sad. I would like up be able to move on but it's very hard.

MrsRossPoldark Sat 28-Mar-15 13:20:01

I agree with posters who say to move on from this. It is painful to accept, but you have to keep your relationship strong and that includes compromise. In future, you will need their Dad to help you when crises come.

From a purely practical PoV, as soon as you become 5, holidays and days out turn into a nightmare. Everything comes in 4s - even food comes in packs of 4, so when they're older, you end up having to pay more pp than if you keep to 4 of you.

Other things that are better in 4s than 5s include

Cars
Caravan hire
Holiday homes
Car seats
Hotel rooms - as soon as there are more than 4 in a Travelodge they'll make you hire 2 rooms!

See what I mean?!

blueberrypie0112 Sat 28-Mar-15 13:35:31

My husband want three kids. I am happy with two. I told my husband my b/p probably can't handle a third child nor it probably won't be healthy for the child. It was borderline high throughout my last pregnancy...it was a day after birth when it shot high and I needed medications....two years later, I am still on medication as it never went back down since.

my husband learned to appreciate the family he does have. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want it so you have to compromise a little.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 28-Mar-15 13:36:27

BingBong, I'm sorry that you feel sad. You have the disadvantage of intense maternal feelings, hormonal surges and just urges towards expanding your family. That's normal and you should accept it as such, you're not wrong to feel the way that you do.

What would you be advising a good friend if she were in this situation? If you could look at this as an 'outsider', you would probably come to the same conclusion that many posters have, ie. your husband has said 'no' to a third child, he has that right, he doesn't want to be stretched financially. You feel that a third child would be 'worth it'. The person who doesn't want the extra child will always hold the power of veto and they should. A child should be wanted by both parents and it wouldn't be, or there's a very big risk that it wouldn't be. Your husband would be very resentful of you and maybe of the child too. That wouldn't be fair and would place a terrible burden on your whole family.

You're staying in your marriage and presumably, are masking your longing for another child in front of your existing children. That's really important. They must not get any inkling of your desire for another child because they won't process that as adults but with the uncomplicated and black/white view of children.

There's also a risk of resentful feelings towards your husband, becoming more intense and possibly vengeful, that you are owed something you can't have and he's the one preventing the thing you want. It's not enough to stay in your marriage, it's got to be restored to harmony otherwise it's all for nothing. How are you going to do that? Do you think that it would be worth exploring your feelings with a counsellor and then with your husband? I think you really do need to be heard and by somebody who isn't listening with one ear and a finger plugged in the other one for fear of you trying to talk them around.

It's a fait accomplis, your family is complete and it's a perfect one. Now it's time for you to come to terms with that and get to the position where you are able to cherish what you have without longing for more. What do you want to do for you? Do you have aspirations of your own? Education? Developing new hobbies? Career development? Moving in to a new career and prepping the ground for that once your youngest child is in school?

Something for you now, BingBong, the time is right for that and I think your husband will be right behind you. Concentrate on what will make you happy and fulfilled.

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