"Do you really love me?" "I think I do..."

[TwiceLittleDragon]

DH and I just had a short conversation about him pulling his weight more now that I'm just about to go back to work after 11 months of maternity leave. He didn't seem particularly enthusiastic about giving me a lie-in once or twice a week so I asked him if he really loves me. (Because surely if you really love someone, you'd give them the rest they need/deserve.) He said "I think so..." in a really noncommittal voice.

This is shit isn't it? I mean, it's late at night for us and we're both tired, silly things get said under those circumstances, but still... I don't know how to feel now.

There are some other silly issues with our relationship but not going into it right now as too tired. I just feel really sad inside.

[MagersfonteinLugg]

This reminds me of when Prince Charles and Diana became engaged and he answered the love question with "whatever love means".
We all know his that ended.
Think you need a long truthful discussion unless you want to go that road.

[Islanegra]

You know, if you've goy kids under 2, it doesn't count. It's all so exhausting and emotional and intense and the shift in your relationship is seismic.
Please ignore any LTB at least for the moment.

[mineofuselessinformation]

Sit him down and ask him if he really meant it - over and above all of the new parent stuff.... Give him time to think it through before he replies.
Let that be your guide.

[DarkNavyBlue]

How many lie ins a week does he get?

Seems a bit much to go from that to 'do you really love me?'

[Corygal]

I'd let that go - once. On grounds of exhaustion and stress. But if it really makes you feel bad, wait until you have time and peace (difficult but essential) and tell him how uncertain you feel.

[Namechangefortheday]

Wow - I don't think I'd be able to let that go. Me and DP hVe been thought our ups and downs but if asked it would be a resounding "yes". I am the main care giver for our dd and sometimes I did do too much but when I pulled d'p on it he was embarrassed/sorry promised to make it up and he did.

He is not sure .

How long have you been married/ together ?

[Namechangefortheday]

Through *

[Namechangefortheday]

What are the other issues ?

[SelfLoathing]

You know, if you've goy kids under 2, it doesn't count

This is utter bollocks.

We all know happily married decent people (men and women of all ages) who would NEVER have responded to that question other than "of course I love you" in the tone of voice that suggests you are insane and followed up with a hug.

The question is not "are you tired"; "are you irritable";"do you resent having children"; "do you want to be down the pub with your mates"; "would you prefer me to be 10 pounds lighter" - the question is do you LOVE me.

Islanegra you need a self esteem adjustment - and I say that - look at my username. Even I, in my lowly state of loathing, can see really that is an atrocious thing to say.

[sykadelic]

The question may have been "do you love me" but the meaning was not do you love me. It was entirely a loaded question. It was emotional blackmail to ask that question.

So no, I don't think it counts at all. I also don't think that love should be the reason that he does something for you.

"Because surely if you really love someone, you'd give them the rest they need/deserve" If that was the reason anyone did anything for anyone else then no-one would get anything done because it would be a constant battle of "If you loved me you wouldn't ask me to let you lie in".

I don't agree with "asking for a lie in" because it sounds like you're being lazy. You're not. You're only letting him know (not asking) that things will be changing now that you're going back to work as well. That you won't be doing all the x, y, z that you've been doing because you'll need more sleep. So I would sit down and work out a schedule. Whether you go to bed earlier, or later, or get up earliest, or later etc.

[SensationalGirl]

Love is not a steady constant in marriage. Use this as an opportunity to find out what you both need to be happy and work together to make it happen. It's only going to get tougher when you start working. I totally understand if you're feeling devastated right now, I honestly would. This is not the end of his love for you, it's one of those shit things you have to work through.

[Islanegra]

SelfLoathing, sorry but I stand by my statement and it has nothing to do with self esteem whatsoever, and everything to do with coming out of the other side of the fog that very small children can bring. Do you have them yourself? Not trying to be funny, just a genuine question.
I also know plenty of decent people who when under pressure, sleep deprived and adjusting to a new role might not answer perfectly to such a loaded question.

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

It wasn't emotional blackmail.

It's actually not ok what he said. It's a massive red flag with bells on. She had a tiny snap shot of what's going in in his head.

I think you need to have an honest and frank talk with him op

[FairPhyllis]

What are the other issues OP?

[ravenmum]

So if he'd said "Yes, of course you are the love of my life" your answer would have been "So that proves you must give me a lie in"? Perhaps his reluctant answer was a sign that he didn't agree with that logic, and was feeling manipulated?

Agree with sykedelic that you should not be asking him for time off; you two should work out a fair schedule together, so that neither has to play the love card when they need a rest.

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

The op says there are other issues. I don't think op said it to prove a point but to ask the actual question - other wise it would have been "if you loved me you let me sleep in"

I think she was asking because she doesn't feel he cares about her, you should listen to your instinct.

[TwiceLittleDragon]

Joyfulldeathsquad, I think you've hit the nail on the head especially with your second comment.

I sometimes can't understand why he so rarely wants to give me a break or a treat. For me it comes naturally e.g. even if it's my turn for a lie in, if he seems extra tired from a hard week at work, I'd get up with the baby and later bring him a cup of tea etc, to be kind. I just do that because I love him and want to make him happy. But it doesn't seem to occur to him to ever do things like that for me, he seems quite selfish, and I practically have to beg in order to get that kind of treatment. That's why I sometimes question if he loves me. Because surely if you love someone you'd want to do kind gestures for them and not be all "oh, do I have to?" like a huffy teenager... Maybe there's a potential woman out there he'd love more, and want to do kind things for her simply to make her happy, without being begged. That's what goes through my mind to make me ask silly loaded questions like "do you love me?".

This morning things seem back to normal as they always are after a good night's sleep. Ridiculous things always get said when we're tired. But it does make me worry if it's the truth that's coming out during those horrible late night conversations.

When I pressed him further last night DH said he was feeling down and depressed and that he pushes people away when he's not feeling well, both physically or mentally. I don't know what to think about that. I have never seen him as a depressed person. He doesn't open up easily. So how am I supposed to deal with this? Do I just try to keep him happy and not keep asking for more?

Sigh, marriage is hard work sometimes! Overall I'm happy but this is one of those bumps on the road.

[Romeyroo]

Have you asked why he feels down or depressed? It is not your job to keep him happy at the expense of your own needs, but a partnership.
So there is a conversation to be had about why you don't feel loved (do you just express love in different ways?) and why he feels down and depressed

[purplemurple1]

Is there any chance of getting a night off together or a babysitter once a month to try and see if its just early babys yrs normal funk or something more serious?

I def think you also need to sit down and plan how it will be when you are working so there is no resentment over silly things like who does the washing.

Weve two little ones and some nights its just better to go to bed.

[TwiceLittleDragon]

I think his preferred way of expressing love is sex... unfortunately we all know what effect having a baby can have on the female libido...

I asked him why he feels down and he finds it really hard to talk about these things. His family are all really emotionally stifled with eachother so it's partly his upbringing I think. But he did say he's down because his best friend at work is being made redundant. So its clear he does have the capacity to feel for other people, even though sometimes he likes to presents himself to me as a person who generally finds it difficult to feel and express emotions. I find that difficult to believe as everyone around him sees him as a generally warm and likeable person. I think he wants me to believe that that's just his public face and that in reality he struggles with emotional warmth. I don't know what to believe.

Does all this sound completely crazy?

Trying to understand the mind of another person is a real challenge especially when they can be somewhat closed off! I find it weird that we've known eachother for 6 years now and I'm still learning about him and trying to discover his true person. Let me tell you now that he never seemed that complicated when we first met! I'd just come out of a relationship with a brooding enigmatic type at the time and DH seemed like a refrshingly cheerful and straightforward chap with no hidden complex issues! I don't know if I'm just getting to know him better or if it's just because people change.

Has anyone else experienced this with their DP?

[eddielizzard]

don't know your other issues, but i've got 3 kids and it took me years to have the spare resources to put effort into our relationship again. only once i started getting a bit of time to myself did i find it in myself to make more of an effort with dh. sad. all my spare kindness i kinda channelled into the kids. and now i've got a little more spare i channel that dh's way and it's helped enormously.

sometimes it's hard just to get through the day. yes, marriage is hard work. but if you can just hang on beyond the crushing exhaustion of the baby phase you've got a chance.

[Justusemyname]

"love is not a steady constant"' surely being married is because you love each other all the time .

[Joyfulldeathsquad]

Tbh I'd be pretty fucked off with him if he is just showing love when he wants a shag

op after reading your last post I think he is being a bit of an arsehole. He can show empathy to others but he has none for you. I think this is the real him. He doesn't do the nice things that you do for him because he doesn't want to, I bet he did nice things at the beginning of the relasionship? He is being selfish.

if he is depressed he needs to go to the GP. You need an honest and frank conversation with him. You need to start putting yourself first as he isn't.

If he doesn't pull his weight, don't carry his sorry arse for fear of being alone.