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Relationships

how do you handle the financial side of 'blending families'?

172 replies

trialsandtribs · 23/03/2015 13:14

We have been together a couple of years and want to move in together soon.

Money is starting to seem like it could be a bit of an issue longer term and I would really like some advice on how to manage it.

We are lucky as we have enough money comfortably.
We both earn similar-ish wages although our "incomes" are quite different as DP pays maintenance wheras I receive.

Plan is for DP to move into my place.... I pay for 100% of everything now so don't financially need to live with him!
I live with DS (5 yrs) who is at his dad's eow and once in the week.
DP has 2 DC (4&7) who are with us EOW and once a week.

We have decided that it makes sense for DP to pay me rent in the first instance while we decide what to do longer term (his name on mortgage/him buy an investment property to rent/put his savings into an extension and make it OUR house.) We haven't discussed amounts but i think around 50% would be fair... maybe he'd want to pay less... i don't know.

The part which is causing difference in option is attitude to saving for DCs future and eduction. I can probably afford for my DS to go to private school in my current situation so I would still like to have that option. He thinks we should treat each of our kids equally and if his ex can't afford to send his DCs then mine shouldn't get to go either. He is happy to contribute towards the fees on top of maintenance for his kids but he feels strongly it's up to us to save for all the 3 kids whereas I think both our exes have a role to play in saving for their kids too. As I receive the child maintenance I do feel it is my responsiblity primarily to save for my childs education and I don't want him to miss out if we can'tafford for 3 kids to go! Then I feel like me choosing this man will have hindered my DS's opoportunities and I don't think that is fair.

I also have about £270K in equity and savings whereas he will be bringing about £100K into the pot. I do want us to be ONE family in most ways but i do feel I have worked my complete arse off to get to where I am and I want my DS to feel the benefits (i.e. support him through uni, or help him with a deposit on a house etc.) I would ideally want to be able to give the same support to all the kids but again I feel a bit uncomfortable about my DS's support going down because I have to chip in towards his girls.

The obvious question is about their mum.... She can definitely afford to save for their future but my DP says he doesn't want to rely on that and want to work on the assumption that me and him provide for all the kids... I don't feel comfortable with that as a principle as where is the role of the other parents...

I'd really welcome some advice! thanks



I guess I just don't want my DC

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Binklesback · 23/03/2015 13:31

Its a minefield this side of things. I do envy those picture perfect blended blissfully content step families you read about but I've never seen it in real life and the financial side is always the reason. In principle I think all the children have to be treated the same financially in reality it's hard to swallow. Been there. No solution I'm afraid but quite interested to hear views on this.

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captainproton · 23/03/2015 13:49

I am a stepmum and a mum. I try to view things like this, DH and his ex decided to raise a child together, they fell out of love but they still have to raise that child between them. I support DH in his decisions, but there are many things I would have done differently but it's not my place to challenge the parents.

So I think your DP needs to respect the same regarding your child. How you and your ex parent your child is up to you and your ex. Get another person involved in key decisions like schooling then you will cause a lot of bad blood between you and your ex, if private schooling was always the plan. Also what if your relationship were to fail, then what? Your child is going to be raised differently because he has different parents than your stepchildren. That is fact and cant be changed, try to pretend it isn't is going to cause more problems IMO.

Same with savings for the children, DH saves for all his children as do I, but separately. You say you are receiving maintenance, and your son has regular contact with dad, your DP is not a new daddy, he is just another adult in his life who will love and care for him. Likewise you are not about to become another mummy to your stepchildren. Your DP needs to calm down a bit really in this respect. Maybe after a long time together, and many years of both sets of children growing up together you will become a blended family and things evolve naturally then perhaps you may achieve a blended utopia. But don't rush it. Please just see if you can all live together first before rushing to make financial decisions that will affect all the children's lives.

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sadwidow28 · 23/03/2015 14:50

I was a step-Mum to the youngest of 3 who came to live with us permanently shortly after we got married. I have never had children of my own - but had younger brothers who needed emergency financial support throughout their lives. (So it is slightly different.)

We actually had salaries paid into a joint account but then had our own 'spends' (disposable income) paid into separate accounts. We used our personal money to buy each gifts e.g. I bought DH a 2nd hand car as a birthday treat (we only had the one car which was in my name up to then). We could use our personal money as we wanted for parents, family etc.

The joint account was used for clothing (including school uniform), holidays, food and bills. We didn't receive a penny maintenance from DSD's Mum, but the family allowance (as it was in those days) went into the joint family pot of money.

When DSD wanted to buy her first house, we EACH put in half of the deposit. It was OUR choice how to spend our personal money. My DH nor my DSD asked me to pay 50% - I chose to. There was no expectation on me at all. However, if DH hadn't paid 50% of the deposit, I also wouldn't have expected him to do it either.

Your monthly allowance, paid into a separate account can be saved and spent on anything you want - in your case, private school fees. You then only have to negotiate with your ex regarding how much he pays. It's no longer a discussion you have to have with your current DP. Your DP can buy his children cars, pay for a deposit on a house, support them through a gap-year etc etc.

As long as it comes from your PERSONAL allowance/savings pot, it is no longer 'blended, family money'.

Would that work for you?

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whodrankmycoffee · 23/03/2015 15:11

I have heard said on mn previously that a step parent is a bonus parent. Your dp obstructing your ability to Co parent with your ex as you both see fit wrt to private schooling is not a bonus. There is no positive impact for your child.

In any case even if you decide you will pay for your step children to go to private school what if their mother says no? You are not an equal parent to their mother. The decisions you make for your son have no impact on your dsds which is as it should be. Will dp be replicating the holidays and treats that his daughters get when with their mother for your ds. If not tell him to piss off. You don't have parental responsibility.

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KikitheKitKat · 23/03/2015 15:19

To add to what who said, your dp's ex could also get together with a guy with children, and by your dp's logic, this guy's dc would also have to go to private school because your dp's do, because yours do...

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KikitheKitKat · 23/03/2015 15:21

I hope I made sense there. I meant using your dp's logic you could have a whole chain of step children who have to be privately schooled.

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whodrankmycoffee · 23/03/2015 15:25

Also who decides which school they go to. It's just daft, and will lead to a very irritated exw. And it sounds like there is good relationship with the exes and broadly similar incomes in the households.

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no73 · 23/03/2015 15:46

I'd stay as you are and allow another man to dictate how you bring your child up.

This is exactly why I can not be bothered with relationships and certainly not one with potential step children. It made me very annoyed to see my child go without due to a step child.

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ImperialBlether · 23/03/2015 15:50

This is how I would do it.

Firstly, regarding private schooling, couldn't you make a decision to live somewhere that had good schools, even if that meant moving? Private education costs an absolute fortune and I don't believe it gives you anything that another really good school does. That in itself will save you a lot of money.

Then regarding rent etc, I'd say that he should buy a property to let out, and the money from that should go 50% into maintaining that property and 50% into maintaining yours. That becomes his 'rent' and he then has no hold on your property, nor you on his.

I'd have an account together into which you both put money for food, bills and your two holidays etc but not money for your children's clothes, holidays and extras. Keep separate accounts for the rest of your money and each of you can spend that on what you want. If you two and your child go on holiday, then you pay that bit extra for him.

You are not even married to this man; don't let him tell you where your son should go to school. That decision is down to you and your son's father, just as his ex-wife wouldn't be interested in your opinion in where his children should go to school.

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2rebecca · 23/03/2015 16:01

My kids' school choice was between me and my ex, my partner's kids' school choice was between him and his ex. If your new man is wanting to stop you parenting your kids amicably with your ex and demand that you do things his way and all kids have to have everything agreed by all the parents I wouldn't bother with him.
My ex has more money than my partner's ex so my kids have had more money plus grandparents wealthier although my husband and I spend the same amount on the kids.
It sounds as though you may be better off not moving in and pooling finances with him and having a more casual relationship

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whodrankmycoffee · 23/03/2015 16:03

There are lots of blended situations in my wider family and a lot of private education costs. And I have never heard of these issues . Parents decide for their own child and then pay for their choices.
Also it's just sounds like your dp is trying siphon off part of your capital for his daughters. This is not a feudal society in the sense that your income and property transfers to your dp to divide up as he sees fit. His daughters have a mother who is looking after them the majority of the time. If he is concerned her income could drop then tell him to consider paying for income protection insurance for his exw.

What if you split up? Will he expect you to paya lump sum on behalf of his daughters.

You ensure your dsc have treats at your house, are treated kindly and fairly, are included when present and have space of their own in their fathers home and time alone with him. Anything more is up to you.

Personally I wouldn't move in. Any man eying up my savings and disregarding my ex and his own ex sounds like a liability.

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expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 16:11

What no and 2rebecca said. There's no way I'd let a boyfriend dictate how I parented my own child, much less lay down rules about how I and my child's father fund our child's life.

'but again I feel a bit uncomfortable about my DS's support going down because I have to chip in towards his girls.'

This should be ringing alarm bells to you.

I wouldn't move him in.

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Quitelikely · 23/03/2015 16:18

Ok. I think I see where he is coming from.

He thinks if he is going to pool everything with you, his earnings and savings, into a permanent home that your son lives in, he believes that his children should get all the advantages of what that would bring if they were living there full time. After all he may be thinking why should your son get the benefit and not his daughters.

Therefore what I would be inclined to do is not support him financially.

So keep your savings separate, if you buy a home together, protect your percentage of the deposit you pay. Simple legal document is required but your conveyancer will cover it with you.

Pay half of all bills and mortgage then what you have left each is your own.

This means after he has paid mortgage and bills he will have to pay out of his own bank for his girls school fees. And rightly so.

Suggest this plan to him and you may well find he tries to negotiate some financial support from his wife with regards to the fees.

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Quitelikely · 23/03/2015 16:19

This does mean if you earn the same you will have more money to spare each month than him but his girls are not your financial responsibility.

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FlabbyMummy · 23/03/2015 16:37

Its tricky and if I were you I would stand firm on the education for your DS, I would also ask him to approach his ex about her plans for schooling before getting too involved in that discussion, if she isn't prepared to contribute to a private education then you are off the hook in my eyes, if she is prepared to them have the discussion. I wouldn't entertain paying out of your earnings for their education but would consider making life for a DP in this situation.

I know of a situation where my friend married, she has two girls, they go to a local comp, when her new husband and her had their Son her now DH insisted on the very best school for their Son. Money no object. The girls remain in a State school. They all live together, that doesn't sit well with me.

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GertrudeTrudy · 23/03/2015 16:38

Just to add some balance. I have a step sister who went to private school and I did not. Not for one minute did I feel jealous or hard done by that I didn't get 'the same' as she had. We had different lives, different parents and get on brilliantly.

I think it's wrong to encourage children to feel entitled to things just because so and so has them.

I'm really sorry but it's not up to you to support his children to that extent. Look after yourself and your son. That's what's most important.

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whodrankmycoffee · 23/03/2015 16:42

The thing about these types of pooling scenarios with dsc who tend to be eow is that there is usually nil benefit of the set up for the resident child. If his daughters take up an incredibly expensive hobby or have some lovely holidays with mum I guarantee the parity requirement will go out of the window.

You cannot create an equal blended family unless the exes are dead and there is no extended family.
It is also not sensible to under pin your dsds lifestyle and education with third party money. It's not fair on them that their school, friends and hobbies could all go away if their nrp relationship comes to an end.

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whodrankmycoffee · 23/03/2015 16:48

But flabby in your friends situation she was the parent of all the children and she could have said no.

Also there may be the intention to provide mortgage deposits and university support for the girls or expensive hobbies. Also her new dp is not financially responsible for the daughters and can not decide where they are educated.

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trialsandtribs · 23/03/2015 20:35

I'm glad I'm not being a selfish evil stepmother!

DPs ex will want her kids to go to private school. Out of the 4 parents she is the only one 100% wedded to it. She is also the lowest earner and the biggest guilt tripper. And she knows how to turn on the guilt to my DP. He will feel (understandably) if he'd have stayed with ex they would probably have been able to afford private. However since splitting they have 2 extra homes to fund. His ex has slashed her hours at work by 50% (solicitor advised part of divorce negotiation) and generally pleads poverty so I can sense where this is going.

I'm glad the consensus is that I'm not a witch for not wanting to chuck everything into the pot. He bawlked at the fact I said if I ever got married again id want a pre nup but I feel really passionately about protecting my DS. As it is we spend a lot of his girls activities and clothes, shoes etc and I am very happy to do so but the whole "everything into the pot" just didn't sit well with me...

I was going to discuss this with him tonight but it's not the right time... But then that's another story!!

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expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 21:06

'He bawlked at the fact I said if I ever got married again id want a pre nup but I feel really passionately about protecting my DS. As it is we spend a lot of his girls activities and clothes, shoes etc and I am very happy to do so but the whole "everything into the pot" just didn't sit well with me...

I was going to discuss this with him tonight but it's not the right time... But then that's another story!!'

Sorry, but this should be ringing big alarm bells to you. Especially the not being able to discuss with him. Very big alarm bells. If I were your DS's father, I would be unhappy about his attitude.

Do NOT move in with this man. He could put a claim on your home if he pays towards it as a domestic partner.

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Handywoman · 23/03/2015 21:30

I think I get where he is coming from with 'treating all the dc the same' but I think it's idealistic and fraught with difficulty.

Why can't you talk to him about it? I'd say that in itself is a bigger issue.....

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Ragwort · 23/03/2015 21:35

Huge alarm bells are ringing here - why exactly are you so keen to move in together?

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sakura · 23/03/2015 21:46

It sounds like you're choosing your new partner over your son! It's your boy's money and your new P wants to have it Urgh.

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trialsandtribs · 23/03/2015 22:11

Not the right time tonight as he's had a really awful stressful day at work and has been in tears about missing his kids. Not that I feel I can't talk to him about it at all but I know tonight isn't the night for a BIG conversation.

He understands me wanting to protect my DS but I was also surprised when he was so shocked at me wanting a pre nup. He says it's really insulting that I'd think he was after my money. I understand that totally but it's a bit like a will... I don't think I'm going to die but if I do I want to make sure that everything goes where I want it to

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trialsandtribs · 23/03/2015 22:12

Rag... We want to move in together because we love eachother and we want to build a life together

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