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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH potentially lied about being single when we started dating...

114 replies

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:00

DH married a couple of weeks ago, after just over 2 years together. I always had a feeling that he was seeing somebody or similar when he first started chatting to me but he's always denied it. I've just found a book that was given to him by his ex-gf for his birthday. That was around the time when he was busy buying me endless cups of coffee but 2 weeks before we had our first date and the dedication reads "To my darling... With love, always & forever...". All this time, I've brushed it aside because he was so public about how much he liked me, in front of everyone and anyone including his colleagues and friends. However, this has left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
Thoughts? Would you have come clean? I don't know what I would have done and I fear that DH is always going to be like this, he'll tell a lie provided he can thinks that he can get away with it.

OP posts:

Report

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:01

Sorry, DH and I married a couple of weeks ago!!

OP posts:

MiddleAgedandConfused · 21/03/2015 16:04

Forget about it - he was clearly nuts about you from day 1 and didn't want anything to come between you. After 2 years you would know if he was a habitual liar.
If your are like the rest of us, there will be plenty of much tougher problems waiting for you down the line, so save your energy and enjoy your time as newly weds.

pocketsaviour · 21/03/2015 16:28

You're annoyed because he was seeing someone else before he started dating you? Or am I missing something?

holdyourown · 21/03/2015 16:42

yes but that was something she wrote in a book - he was clearly not feeling the same way by then as was pursuing you. How long was he with that ex? is there some other issue causing you to raise this now? If not just let it go and enjoy being newlywed, it doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:44

Ha! No, pocketsaviur I am annoyed because either he broke up with her whilst he was chatting me up (not a problem) OR after we had had our first date (a problem, in my eyes). The dedication does not say "I love you" or "yours" so there is a possibility that she gave the book to him after they had broken up but it says "to my darling XXXX (DH's name)... now, always & forever".

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 16:46

Massively preferring you to an ex (and perhaps dumping her to be with you?) is hardly the worst crime...

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/03/2015 16:46

ofgs so he dated you and liked you better, what's the problem?

LemonYellowSun · 21/03/2015 16:48

Just put it behind you. It wasn't since you were together.

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:50

holdyourown I think they were together for just over a year or so, I am not entirely sure. They never lived together, and he says that they broke up because he didn't want to move in with her. I don't question that he was probably ready to move. It's the possibility that he told me a lie (if he was still with her as we started dating) that's bothering me.

OP posts:

kittensinmydinner · 21/03/2015 16:51

Really ???? So he was 'still seeing ' her and dating you, being really public and showing the world how much he wanted to be with you... You have now been married him TWO WEEKS and you are posting this. ? Got, you sound hard work.!

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:52

LemonYellowSun that's the problem, I don't know that!

OP posts:

holdyourown · 21/03/2015 16:54

Sounds like he was trying to shake her off when you started dating, or at least wasn't sleeping with you both at the same time. I don't think there's proof he lied about it? Anyway, everyone has a past, this person wasn't long term. What are you worried about?

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:54

So what I am reading here is that it wouldn't bother you that your DP had lied about being single when he started seeing you? - ok, I don't know that for certain but let's assume that was the case. Isn't that cheating? And once a cheat, always a cheat? What's wrong with a clean break and then moving on to the next person?

OP posts:

TheFecklessFairy · 21/03/2015 16:55

Does it really matter.........really? He has married YOU, not her. FFS let it go.

Bananachips2015 · 21/03/2015 16:56

On a separate note, would you tell the truth if you had been in his shoes? It's the lie that bothers me more than the situation in itself.

OP posts:

TheFecklessFairy · 21/03/2015 16:58

If a little 'lie' like this annoys and upset you so much, why don't you just divorce him and be done with it?

You are never going to know the truth, so you either suck it up or go on making both your lives a misery 'cos you're never going to let it rest, are you?

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/03/2015 16:58

he didnt lie, he told you what you wanted to hear

Branleuse · 21/03/2015 16:59

i dont see the problem. Why are you looking for one?

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 17:03

It just sounds like she was massively more into him than he was to her.
Hence the overly lovey inscription in the book.

I really don't think there's an issue here. Unless other things are bothering you?

anvilofleibnitz · 21/03/2015 17:09

I'm actually with the OP here: someone who is uncomfortable with having uncomfortable but necessary conversations isn't someone I'd want to be with. A chat over coffee to say "sorry love it isn't working out, not you but me" before arranging other dates?

Breaking up respectfully and officially is not the nicest thing in the world but "overlap" to me always smacks of someone who isn't happy not having a safety net of an available partner before scouting round for someone else.

Postchildrenpregranny · 21/03/2015 17:09

I would not have found it odd if my now DH had continued to date other women in the early days of our relationship. Surely there comes a point when you discuss and agree 'exclusivity' ?

holdyourown · 21/03/2015 17:11

He was to all intents and purposes single when he met you, because he wasn't married or living with someone. He probably didn't think talking about a girlfriend he was trying to dump was suitable conversation on the first few dates Has he given you any other cause to doubt him? are you anxious about being married or something? Sounds like more your problem tbh

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Hughfearnley · 21/03/2015 17:12

I don't think there is an issue here. I think you are massively overthinking things. If your DH read this thread he'd probably run a mile.....

Bonsoir · 21/03/2015 17:12

Grow up.

Tiptops · 21/03/2015 17:13

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time here OP. Yes, it would definitely bother me if my partner had lied about being single at the start of the relationship, how are you supposed to have confidence that he won't meet another woman in the future and lie about being married to you?

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