He is so negative..

[xlilkaxx]

My partner is so negative..

I don't want to change him as such. I want him to see things positively so he can be happy and so we can actually look forward to a future. He always assumes I'm going to cheat or leave him or that it won't work out for some reason. He prepares for the worst which isn't always a bad thing but he ALWAYS prepares for the worst. He sees things so negatively that he doesn't seem to take enjoyment out of anything. He has no idea what he actually wants. I asked him this evening what it would look like to be happy and he said 'a happy life without stress' which to me isn't very specific and is unrealistic. A happy life to me is health, fun, loving, trusting relationship, enough money to maintain current standard of living, hobbies etc. I've got a clear view of things I need to change in life to become happier. I don't drive for example. I get panic attacks going on public transport so for me being able to drive would give me so much freedom.

Anyway I just don't know what to do. I've read a lot about male psychology and knowing how he reacts to things my instincts tell me do not say anything more to him because he's just going to see it as a criticism and become more negative. I'm a firm believe in praise what you do like and they will do more of it but I can't praise his positivity when I have been trying to look for something positive he's said this week and there hasn't been anything.

I have tried to talk to him about it. He thinks I should accept him for him and stop trying to change him. He doesn't see that I want him to just change his outlook slightly so he can enjoy life more. Not just for my sake but for his.

It's a massive problem because I have mental health issues. I was on top of my issues before me and my OH got together but he has sucked the positivity out of me. I'm now having to do a lot of work on my mental health and get that positivity back and it's there but it's exhausting. It isn't something that will ever come naturally when he is there putting the negative thoughts back in.

I believe that no one is perfect and if your partner has a trait you don't like you should think is it something I can live with. I don't think it is something I can live with, but there isn't anything else I could comment on that I don't really like about him. He's stubborn and set in his ways. He doesn't like to hear others point of view, they are always wrong but I think that's just part of his negativity .

Sorry, long rant. Someone tell me what to do! I'm stuck

[cozietoesie]

Has he been like this since the start? And how long have you ben with him?

[xlilkaxx]

Yeah he has always been like it. He does have depression but as someone with a 'mental illness' I think it would be very hypocritical of me to leave him when he has mental health issues. Difference is I'm on medication, having therapy and do a lot lot lot of work on my mental health. He just expects it to get better, he doesn't want to take responsibility for his feelings, he is on medication though which massively improved his mood about a year ago when he started taking it. He did try a higher dosage but it affected his sex drive which then made him feel crap about himself.

Been with him for 18months. Not really wanting to leave because we have been through a ridiculous amount together. Stuff most couples won't ever go through. I got diagnosed with a mental illness whilst pregnant so social services applied to court to have our baby removed at birth, we won the court case, our son came home with us, and last month everything got too much for me, pressure from everyone, social services and all the people doing parenting assessments etc, trying to be the best mum, the best partner and when I realised I wasn't the best and that the reason social services were involved was because of my diagnosis and nothing else and that my partner resented me for their involvement I tried to kill myself. They went straight back to court and our son has been put in foster care because of it. He's 4 months old. We are through the worst. My mental health is getting back on track, I'm feeling positive about the future but his negativity (which is my main trigger for feeling suicidal) is so hard to live with.

I'm lost! I don't want to give up but you can't force someone to be happy

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I'm so sorry about your son. :(

I don't think you should focus on your DP's issues right now. Focus on you, and getting your lovely son home if you can.

[xlilkaxx]

Thank you. His foster carer is my brother. I miss my baby so much but I still get to see him although no way near as much as I'd like to. He will come home when I can prove that my mental health is stable but it breaks my heart that I'm missing out on such important parts of his life. Final hearing is in June so as long as I have no wobbles he will be home then if not before. We have another court hearing in 3 weeks.

It's awful. The mental health team keep pushing the point that it is very rare I get like that and I would only ever inflict harm on myself not the kids. Psychologist did an assessment on me and said that I have the capability of getting over my issues in a suitable amount of time, that there is a beautiful interaction between me and my LO and that from an emotional well-being point of view he believe he would thrive in my care. The health visitor says he's meeting milestones, he's happy, contented, gaining weight and she's very supportive and says that he was thriving in my care too.

Social worker is horrible though. She said to my other half that I accused him of rape and I didn't and then said 'you have to believe me, I am stable she is mentally ill'. So obviously he was mad at me about it but I had proof of what was actually said so then he went and took it out on her. She also told him that telling me he loves me messes with my mental health. Apparently I can't understand what love is, and I don't experience feelings like 'well' people do. I have extreme mood swings. I am either really happy and determined or I'm suicidal. I don't have anything like autism or anything like that. I thought it was disgusting that she said that.

I'm proper ranting. Nice to get it out of my system for once

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

!!! Can you demand to get a different social worker? She sounds horrific!

[xlilkaxx]

Got a new social worker this week actually. Apparently the one we did have is on long term sick. This is the third one for this child, we've only had their involvement for 6months. My other child has also had 3 different social workers in 6 months. It was suppose to be that he went to stay with his dad (who is from a previous relationship) for the week following me coming out of hospital and then he just never came home. I have to have supervised contact with him, 4 hours every 2 weeks, was suppose to see him on my birthday but his dad decided to not let me so it will be a month since last time I've seen him. Every time I see him he asks to stay over, says he wants to live with mummy, cries about going. I miss him so much that it hurts. Can't wait until he can spend a whole day with me and eventually stay over. He's brilliant. He's clever and polite, I brought him up on my own until 6 months ago. Just doesn't seem right. The worst thing isnt me missing him, I block it out. It's knowing that he has absolutely no idea why he can't see his mum anymore. He must feel so unloved.

[Needalifecoach]

It sounds like you need a lot of help and support from people in your life to ensure your mental health improves enough for you to get your children back.

I'm not sure I can offer any advice over the internet.

No wonder your partner is feeling negative however if his child has been taken away from him as a baby and he is suffering from depression and you have mental health problems too. What a very sad situation.

[MissMuesli]

It sounds like you have had a very difficult year but that you are working really hard to sort out your mental health which is really positive. So well done for that!

I think the more you reveal the easier it is to see why your OH is struggling to be positive. You've had a tough time to d
say the least!

Would you OH consider going back to the GP and asking for help beyond just medication? He might need more support from professionals than he is currently getting.

[Rjae]

Maybe you would be better without your partner? If he is dragging you down this much and hindering your own recovery perhaps separation is better? You can't focus on yourself if you are trying to fix someone else.

[xlilkaxx]

Can't help but think you are right Rjae.. I feel ok in myself until I start to think about our relationship. I sent him a really long text last night (he moved out about a month ago) just telling him that he doesn't need to look so negatively at things and he should be happy about what he does have and work towards getting the things he wants to have. No response, however I did get a text saying 'my day started off bad and it's just getting worse'. What I say to him just goes completely over his head. Feel bit crap now that I've read that. He's never going to be happy is he?

[Meerka]

xlilkaxx my husband was like this. It drains all joy out of you, all life, and makes absolutely everything an uphill battle. if you're prone to depression (as I am too) then it makes it all a LOT worse.

It's a very lonely place, living with someone like that. He also used to stonewall me.

Things got so bad that it was awful living with him.

He doesn't like to hear others point of view, they are always wrong

That's helpful for you - not.

Now depressoin is a bastard of a disease but you HAVE to take some responsibility for handling it, if it comes to hover over your life and blight it. You are taking responsibility. He is not.

I'm sorry but I think that for the best, you have two options:

1. give him a short period of time to genuinely start making changes, such as two months. Genuine changes that he is willing to work at.
   
2. simply split up.
   
   (my husband decided that actualy, he had to change and he did. it took time and he still struggles with the tendancy to become negative, but he really changed hugely. But it took getting to splitting up point for him to realise; and tbh I am not sure that very many people can change. But a couple of years later I realised just how draining it was to having been living with Mr Negative, once he changed!)

[CarbeDiem]

I pretty much agree with everything Meerka said in particular the options you've got.

You have been through an awful lot OP and it does sound like you know what you have to do for yourself - well done for fighting to move forward.

[Meerka]

One thing that occured to me is that it's worth talking things over with the MH team since they are supportive. If you split up with your partner, might tht affect how it goes with getting your children back?

For you yourself it sounds the best thing to be without 9 stone of negativity, if I can put it like that (if he thinks everyone else is wrong, what is he like when you voice an opinion?).

Long term being without this negativity might well - actually, it probably will - find you in a mentally much stronger and more resilient place. Because of the situation though, you need to discuss the practicalities of it with your MH team.

I really hope the new social worker has her feet on the ground and can mix compassion and care. Someone like that would help you so much in getting your children back. Fingers crossed for you.

[Quitelikely]

You can't change your partner. He is who he is. You have discussed your concerns with him and witnessed the outcome.

Can I ask, have you always had MH issues or are they only recent?

Have the social services asked yous to live apart?