Can we split up and split house into two units? How deluded am I?

[MultibuySavings]

This is an odd one.

H and I want to split up - we don't get on, been in a sexless relationship for 10+ years but as we both have long term health problems that is not so much of an issue. We are in our mid-late 50s, we also have DCs in year 7 and 9 so still a youngish family. We also have a dog we adore who has a life limiting condition and finally, we have a massive amount of debt. We owe £120k on our mortgage and £40 in loans and credit cards. We barely earn enough between us to service the debt at minimum repayments.

If we split up and sell, after the debts/fees etc., taking into account the equity, we may, if lucky, come away with £30k each. We can't take on mortgages due to our ages, and I am self employed, so our £30k each will not fund a purchase, will negate any entitlement to benefits and have to fund renting. (also I should imagine as I am self employed even if entitled to anything that benefits would be a mess as some months I earn nothing and others I earn 4 figures.)

So can you see we'd end up supporting 2 households costing more, but on the same money. We are reliant on each other for some personal care (no other family), lifts to the hospital etc., and normally one of us stays with the dog as he can't be left much. We take turns to do school runs, he maintains my computer so that I can work from home - basically its tricky to extricate ourselves.

H also wants to retire - he'd get a lump sum to pay off our debts leaving us with just the mortgage, and he'd get a reasonable company pension around £800 a month - I'd continue working either from home or part time in office and we'd have to work out finances as there's still the mortgage to be serviced, utilities etc, but seeing as he'd surrendered his lump sum I'd expect him to pay less but maybe contribute more in terms of odd jobs and sorting the car etc. Here comes the crunch: What would you all say if I told you we were thinking of turning our dining room into a bed sit for him? Its the biggest room in the house, it has TV and computer, big sofa and room for a bed. I'd get the sitting room and the 3 bedrooms upstairs for myself/kids then he'd have a downstairs loo put in, and kitchen would be shared.

We would still parent the children, they are not uprooted, we'd take care of the dog, share stuff. H would have his own loo, access to the utility room for laundry and his own entrance as patio doors open to rear of house, we'd also have rear access to the garden. The agreement would last 10 years as we cannot pay off the mortgage so house would need to be sold, by which time the children would be just leaving/have already left uni or college. Agreement would also have to say no visitors e.g. if he met someone, go to their place (I want to be on my own but rule would still apply to me just in case). Finally I would then also get my pension and lump sum, and I could split that between us or the children, finally split the equity and go off to rent (in 10 years he'd be eligible for a state pension on top of private one).

Do I need locking up in my own dining room or have I set upon a modern solution to later life divorce?

[BiscuitMillionaire]

I know someone who lives in a ground floor flat and her ex lives upstairs, so they can co-parent easily. I don't know the history of it - whether it was one house that they split. It works for them, but the key thing, I think, is that they are on good terms. I suspect it would depend for you on whether you can still get on as friends. If your relationship has broken down, then it could be hard.

[GreyjoysAnatomy]

I think if you are both happy with the arrangement and are amicable there is no reason not to do it

[cozietoesie]

I think it's possible given the circumstances. What has your husband said about the possibility?

[Lovelydiscusfish]

Sounds like a good solution to me, if you both still have an amicable relationship.

However, I would consider how you would both feel if the other one met a new partner (even if there's a rule they don't come round - plus is such a rule sustainable if it gets serious?). You say you're not, but would your H be actively looking to date, for example?

[Iwasbornin1993]

How would this work if your H (or yourself) meets someone and it turns into a serious relationship? Presumably then he (or you) wouldn't want to continue living with an ex for ten years? If you can figure out a way to make the situation work for yourselves then go for it - and good on you both for taking such a sensible approach!

[Jenny70]

I can see it unravelling in a 10yr timeframe, but working in a shorter term.

Obviously if either one meets a life partner that becomes a huge sticking point, he can't always "go to hers", and IF they decided to have children etc, then there is another huge can of worms. Shorter/casual relationships are OK.

This will rely on a great deal of mutual respect and communication.... will that be a problem on either side?

I guess most people split as the current arrangement isn't working for one or both sides. Sounds like your current arrangement "works" but having more individual freedom and space might make everyone happier.

Would you actually divorce, or just separate? I imagine divorce would be more complicated in the short term (getting everything sorted financially), but also more secure in long term as everyone knows how things stand.

[ourglass]

I know a couple who have lived like this for about 20 years and it works for them. They both even have partners now.

[MultibuySavings]

Good points all round. I see exactly what you mean about short term, but what if it broke down further or he met someone. Interesting dilemma. The 10 year period is because the DCs would be adults by then, and that's when the mortgage expires - actually we'd have to start trying to sell it a couple of years before then so that we are sorted before the bank come knocking of course! So it might only be 8 years. I think there are a lot of variables and it could go wrong, but I am glad to see that you think there might be some mileage in it, thank you all.

What does H think? Well, what do we all think? If we have to repay all our debts, sell and split equity, we will both end up in the smallest crappiest flats (me) and bedsits (him) imaginable. This is one of the awful realities that is keeping us "together" we don't want to put ourselves or DCs through that (might mean losing dog too). Obviously if there was violence or emotional abuse then of course I would try to get out of it or even just walk out with the kids, but as its a very different set of circumstances, I think we need to be creative. This way he feels he saves face, we all get to keep our home and there is still that caring family element whilst being practical about work health and finances.

Although in an ideal world I'd just kick him out of course ;)

[MultibuySavings]

emoticon fail.

[NeedABumChange]

I think if you are still "friends" then this could be a very good solution. You'd need strict rules though to avoid any arguments or resentment building. Who does children's cooking/washing? Could he have set days or would you all still eat as a family? What about holidays- although guessing they can't be afforded. But christmas etc...

I do know a split couple that live as housemates to raise their children. It works pretty well and they've now lived together single longer than they did as a couple. Both also date.

[cozietoesie]

The 'strict rules' aspect is imperative, I reckon. Existing habits can be the very devil to this sort of arrangement working so I'd sit down and work out how you'd handle things in some detail before any situation arises. It may seem pettifogging right now but I think it will show benefits at a later stage.

Good luck with it.

[SilverFishFly]

I lived with my ex and his son in our jointly owned house for a year after we seperated. The split was very amicable but living together afterwards was tricky - i'd have to bit my tongue a lot as i felt i no longer had a right to comment on his life. He had a seperate bedroom & small lounge, were his son would also sleep. We all shared the bathroom and kitchen. It got more uncomfortable as the year went on but we made sure his son was okay. We had to stay together for financial reasons as the house wouldn't sell. After a year we both agreed the arrangement was difficult to manage so he rented and we saw the house mortgage and his rent as one big lumped cost which we split betwedn us until the house sold (2.5yrs later!).Financially this agreement was painful (no holidays or luxury's) but emotionally and for both piece of mind and ability to move forward it was neccessary.

Sadly my next partner was nowhere as nice as my ex and when we split i couldn't bear the thought of speaking on the phone to him - luckily we didn't have a house together or any children, though i did (stupidly) lend him a lot of money and i doubt i'll ever see a penny of it! Lesson learnt there!

[OliviaBenson]

I think you need to sort your debt out first- can he really afford to retire when you have a mortgage which will take longer than 10yrs to pay off? I would worry that you would be carrying him. What if he accrues more debt when he retires?

I would contact step change to see if you can sort out some of the debt before making any decisions.

I would also think about how it would affect the children- I was brought up in a very unhappy marriage and it has huge ramifications for me. My parents were living apart in the same house, hugely damaging.

Sorry, but I just don't see it as a solution,

[MadeMan]

[backtowork2015]

are children same sex? can your kids share a room and he move into the spare room? just to test the arrangements?

[MultibuySavings]

ManMade - I love it.

[MinceSpy]

You both need to contact stepchange and deal with your debts. I'd try the separate bedrooms first even if it means moving children into the largest room and you both having small rooms.