Dh bio dad got in touch

[GreyjoysAnatomy]

Dh hasn't seen him for 20 years, he was abusive and never contacted him in all that time.

Bio dad has just contacted sil in an effort to reconnect with his children. Sil, who is older and remembers how life was, wants nothing to do with him. Dh is inclined to hear what he has to say, but isn't necessarily going to stay in touch, just wants to know why he was abandoned I suppose.

Sil has kicked up a huge fuss, saying dh is disrespecting their step-dads memory (he died in 07) and is basically making it very difficult for dh.

How do I support him through this? He (rightfully) wants to know what happened, he only has his mum's side of the story and doesn't really remember much as he was quite young when his dad left. But sil is being horrible about it, and I suspect mil won't be too pleased either. We don't really have much if a relationship with them, and to be perfectly frank, his childhood after his dad left wasn't much better and was still abusive, albeit in a different way.

Advice would be very much appreciated

[GreyjoysAnatomy]

Anyone?

[Aussiebean]

Does he have to tell them?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I say go for it, meet up and find out his side of the story, one way or the other it will bring closure to at least one area of his life, but be prepared to cope with the fallout from ILs and emotional fallout from your DH.

From what you have written whatever happens it won't be a smooth ride.

[SunshineAndShadows]

Hi Greys I don't have direct experience of this but do have half siblings who explored a relationship with their abusive bio dad after living with my mum and dad (their stepdad).

I remember it being incredibly hard on my mum (worried about losing her children to him) but she and my dad maintained an open door policy and after the initial exploration all of my half-siblings have a good relationship with my parents, but not with their bio dad.

I think for your husband its understandable that this is something he needs to explore. I understand that your SIL and MIL are upset and feel perhaps that your Dh's loyalty to them is under threat. But they also need to recognise that he is a person with his own wants and needs. Could he perhaps have a chat with his DSis and explain that whilst he loves her and trusts her version of events, this is something he feels compelled to explore. He understands the history and recognises that his Father is unlikely to have morphed into a decent human being, but he needs some answers and closure, and the only way he can get that is by making contact and exploring the relationship.

It doesn't mean he doesn't value his DM or DSis but he's an adult and needs to make these decisions for himself

For you - all you can do is upport him in the decisions that are right for hm, good luck

[Rivercam]

I think if he doesn't speak to his bio dad, he will regret it.

Maybe the in-laws will calm down once they have got over the shock of bio dad re-entering your lives.

[GreyjoysAnatomy]

He doesn't really like his family, they are shit and don't really seem to care about him so he isn't concerned about what they think really. it's just the messages his dsis has been sending have upset him as she is being nasty saying he doesn't care about their step-dad or their mum etc. He does definitely want to get in touch and hear his dad's side of the story.

I know this will be hard, I have step siblings myself who are estranged from my family and it is a difficult situation to negotiate.

I just feel a bit useless, he is obviously upset at his sisters outburst and is a bit in shock at the whole situation

[GreyjoysAnatomy]

His sister keeps bombarding him with messages about him betraying his family

[Northernparent68]

Ironically It sounds like the sister is being abusive, Emotional blackmail is despicable. Encourage your Husband to meet his father and ignore his sister.

[GreyjoysAnatomy]

That's what I'm doing Northern, it's just so hard for him. His family is awful, his family dog died two weeks ago and nobody bothered to tell him til much later. He could have gone and said goodbye but they didn't give him the chance. They just don't care, we never see them unless we make the effort to go to them. And they way they treated him as a child makes me want to punch things

He is going to go ahead with contacting his dad, he wants to know about him and see where that goes, even if it goes wrong. I'm really proud of him, it's so tough, and he's handling it so well. His sister can go fuck off to the far side of fuck as far as I'm concerned!

[Northernparent68]

I'm glad he is going to see his dad, as others have said there are two sides to every story.

Given how his mother and sister are there is a strong chance their version of events is nt accurate, and even if it is he may have changed.

It must be hard on him but at least he has a supportive wife.he is lucky to have you.

[tomanyanimals]

This happened to my dad it was an abusive relationship on both sides but my gran over the years had been awful after his dad let and his stepdad no better he says he never regrets getting to know his dad again and it was worth it know both sides. Good luck whatever be decides to do

[Meerka]

Biological parents are a really tough nut. Hard for absolutely everyone involved - child, parent, other parent and siblings.

Fwiw I personally think people have the right to see their bio. parent if they want to. It helps if it's handled tactfully with the step/adoptive parent.

But frankly his sister and mother sound unloving and unkind. Loyalty is earned not enforced and the way she's going about things, she's making things worse not better. There's no grace or kindness in the way they are handling this and I don't think your husband should listen to them. As people have said, there might well be two sides to the story anyway. Maybe he should just delete her texts.

Good luck.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think your DH and his sister are both entitled to handle this as they see fit. Everyone is an adult, including DH and his sister. Whether he meets this man or not, there's no disloyalty to the step father.

[GreyjoysAnatomy]

Thanks for the replies, I'm glad that other people feel he's making the right decision. He knows I've posted here and I'm reading him replies so it's reassuring him that he isn't going about this wrong.

His sister can get to fuck now, all he's had off her is abuse, and she doesn't want to listen to his reasoning.

[needtoknowwhy]

I was in ur dh's shoes a long time ago. Admittedly it's somewhat tougher for your dh as my Dsis or DM never kicked up a fuss.

I met with my bio dad out of pure curiosity. I remember just feeling like I had to know his side of the story. I just had to know. Similarly to ur dh I didn't have any particular need to then stay in touch or build some relationship out of it, but I knew that I just wanted to hear him out then make my own decision.

At the time bio dad lived abroad so we travelled (for other reasons - my DM is half that country & half uk). Similarly to ur dh, I have a step-dad too who died, but I didn't see my meeting with bio dad as disrespecting his memory or ignoring all the things he'd done for us. Not in the slightest. Infact I'd say that the fact that i had such a supporting step-dad meant that I could explore this other side of me fully in the know that whatever it might throw at me doesn't mean a thing. I STILL had a father iyswim. So we met... i heard him out and that was that. I just saw him and listened to him. Nothing spent, nothing gained. But I knew that I had to do it, for curiosity sake.

It's great you're being supportive, but let him get on with it and support him come what may. I did tell my DM and Dsis about our meeting there after but it was more like a 'what I did yesterday' kind of conversation. Great that ur dh has someone to support him in this case. Like I say, just let him explore and be there as a sounding board should he need one. It'll be yesterday's news and life will just go on imo.

[GreyjoysAnatomy]

That was an excellent post Need

It's a strange situation for him, he has very little recollection of this man, so he's not sure what to expect or even what he looks like.

I don't think he'll necessarily meet up with him, he lives in England somewhere and we are in the highlands so it's a long journey and money is tight. If his dad offered to come to us then I'm sure he'd go for that but he won't be travelling to meet him. He's more likely to just speak to him via Facebook or perhaps on the phone. I'm really proud he's being so mature about it, the last year has been tough for him with some serious health issues that ended with an operation that had some complications. He's only just back on his feet and this has kind of blindsided him a bit, but he's handling it beautifully. His sister, on the other hand, is acting like a spoilt toddler

He is very grateful for all the advice, so thank you