AIBU Wedding dress shopping - mum

[offside]

This is the first time I've started a thread on the relationship board but just wanted to gauge whether I'm just being unreasonable.

I'm currently planning to plan our wedding, as in booking appointments and doing research etc.

I've just booked my first wedding dress shopping appointment and couldn't wait to tell my mum to "book a date in your diary".

I called her excitedly to tell her and she responded, "we'll when's it for" I told her (in a few months time due to ordering the sample from the US and financial reasons). She said "well we usually go to your aunty and uncles that weekend". My aunty and uncle live a few hours away, my appointment happens to be about 40 minutes away from them as it was the only bridal shop that sells this designer. So I explained that to my mum. She said "oh right, well yeah, I can meet you there".

There was no excitement, the fact she was going to brush off her only daughters wedding dress shopping because she usually goes to see family that weekend and I felt like I was convincing her to go. I explained that she didn't have to go as my friends would come (the shop only allows 1 2 people with the bride) but she just hesitated and said "well no, no its ok, I'll mark it down".

I suppose I just expected more excitement and for her to actually sound interested.

As an aside, my parents are putting money away each month to help buy something for the wedding, so I do feel guilty about feeling this way, but I just can't help feel that she'd rather not.

Am I being silly being upset about this?

[ROARmeow]

It's your wedding, not hers, so it's natural for you to be more excited.

The appointment is a few months away, don't dwell on her lack of excitement via the phonecall.

I'm sure she's happy to go with you, her excitement might show more when you're standing in front of her all decked out in your gown.

Congratulations

[TheFecklessFairy]

Let this be a lesson to you. Just because you are planning YOUR wedding do NOT expect everyone else to drop everything they are involved in to cater to your whims.

You should have checked whether your Mum was free that weekend. You did not. Now you have backed her into a corner.

Do not continue like this, or you will become a Bridezilla of epic proportions.

[geekymommy]

Some people, including some mothers, just aren't into wedding planning or dress shopping. Do you have any other indications that those kind of things aren't her thing? I'm hoping that DD (now 2.5) doesn't want me to be very involved in planning her wedding if and when the time comes. (In fact, I'd be thrilled if she just told me when and where to show up and what to wear, as long as it wasn't too revealing or too ugly) I didn't enjoy planning my wedding. Watching someone else try on clothes sounds very boring to me. I'd much rather go along to the wedding cake tasting. I'm just not much of a girly girl.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Don't dwell on it. It's natural that you are more excited about this than anyone else will be. You are going to face a lot of disappointment if you expect other people to match your own level of excitement, though.

Enjoy your wedding planning.

[GlitteryLipgloss1]

I had the same thing with my mum. Although my two sisters got married before me and I thought my mum was thinking 'here we go again!'

As time got closer to the date people started to get excited and interested in the plans.

Don't feel deflated or let it cause a grudge between you both.

I agree with the previous poster about having this be a lesson for you. I learnt the hard way!

[ThursdayLast]

You can't really just expect her to be excited I suppose.
Make it clear, in a friendly way, that you value her opinion and are really excited to involve her

I was totally the opposite. I've spent the last year slowly destroying the wedding of my mothers dreams that she's clearly been planning in her head for much much longer than I have

[offside]

I don't mean to come across as a Bridezilla. I'm far from it. In fact, I'm dreading the idea of planning it all and being the centre of attention (even though we're only have a very small wedding).

I think I probably had a "Disney expectation" that she would be really excited. She really loves clothes shopping, is always asking me to go with her (I have a small baby so it's not always easy to go along) and was very much involved in my sister in laws dress fittings.

I thought that it might be a possibility that she would be visiting my family that weekend once the booking was confirmed so thought as one of the days would usually be spent shopping anyway, it would be nice for her, myself and my aunty to go to this one hour appointment then go for a nice lunch and carry on shopping afterwards.

She does see the family quite regularly (at least 2 weekends out of every month) so I don't want it to appear that I would be taking over their weekend when they hardly get time together.

You're right though, I can't expect her to be excited or involved, I just thought she might have liked to be.

[offside]

Don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I'm also finding it quite daunting, not that I'm dreading it, that was the wrong word to use.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I don't know if you're being silly. Your mum may simply find the prospect of dress shopping boring (I know I would) or she may think your marriage is a massive mistake and colluding with frock buying would be hypocritical. ...

Why don't you talk to her?

[Kundry]

For every person takes their mum to every fitting, there is someone who wishes they could do it on their own without their mother butting in and another who wishes their mother would show some interest.

I don't think I was a bridezilla but I did find planning a wedding an excellent way of falling out with a lot of people in a short space of time - who you are inviting, who is doing speeches, mum not being interested in stuff I wanted to share with her but poking her nose in where it wasn't wanted, etc etc.

In the end I had a lovely wedding, everyone said it was very nice but 2 years on rather than it being my perfect day, I'd have done most of it differently!

As a rule, no-one is as interested in your wedding as you are. While disappointing, this is a promising sign that you have healthy relationships - the real problems come if your relatives haven't realised you are an independent adult and are over involved. You are really lucky

[PotteringAlong]

I think the issue though is that you booked it and then told her, you didn't ask. You thought it would be nice. For a million and one reasons maybe your mum doesn't.

[allinall]

Perhaps your mum is finding it daunting too. Lots of mums have quite mixed feelings about 'losing' a daughter. I did, even though I was very happy for my daughter. When she was first engaged I definitely struggled to appear excited at all times, even though she knew I was pleased.

Give her a bit of time. Everyone needs to adjust a bit. She'll probably end up excited / enjoying the occasion.

Congratulations, by the way.

[offside]

I think I will just talk to her. But again, I don't want to seem over dramatic. If this is perfectly normal, and I'm being unreasonable, I wouldn't want to make her feel bad.

It's bringing up a lot of old feelings from when I was pregnant to be honest. She absolutely was not interested. When I told her I was pregnant she just sat there and hummed (literally). She went from calling me everyday to maybe once a week at a push. She never asked me how I was or how my appointments went. I was really poorly in my first trimester and she never asked if I was ok. I was also in a car accident and when I called her shaking and crying as I couldn't get hold of my DP, she just said "right, are you still going into work" and never again asked. If I went to her house she made me feel really uncomfortable by not talking to me.

When my sister in law was pregnant, she bought loads of things for both babies, had them round all the time for tea, calling them to see if she was ok.

I did eventually tell her how I felt and then she did make a conscience effort. So maybe she just doesn't realise.

[offside]

You're all right of course. I can't expect her to do for me what she has done for my SIL as it's very different for your own daughter, and maybe she is finding it daunting.

Thank you for giving me some perspective!!

[GoatsDoRoam]

Oh, your last 2 posts are far more telling.

I see why the wedding dress appointment looms emotionally large for you.

Yes, it rather seems like your mother has a pattern of not giving you emotional support when you need and expect it.

If this is a pattern, it is unlikely to change, so you need to come to the acceptance that she is just not going to be there for you emotionally, at crucial times, the way you would like her to be.

Calling her all excited about the dress appointment was just asking for disappointment, in a way, against that background of behaviour.

Have you ever had counselling? Would you consider it? Maybe there are mother-daughter issues that a therapist could help you unravel, so that you break out of the pattern where you reach out to her for comfort that she is unwilling to give.

[GoatsDoRoam]

What is her role in your upcoming wedding going to be?
What are your unspoken emotional expectations of her, at your wedding?
Can you prepare yourself now that she may not live up to those expectations on the day?

Weddings are emotional, and bring all of our (sometimes faulty) assumptions about relationships to the fore. Perhaps you are subconsciously trying, for the nth time, to get validation from your mother. When it didn't work with a pregnancy, and didn't work after a car accident, maybe it will work with a wedding and dress-shopping... a part of you may be thinking.

Do you think that may be the case?

[GlitteryLipgloss1]

Yep. I get that too. I put it down to when my elder sisters had their babies. Again. Been there done that. No excitement for me. Going around on the merry go around again....

Anyway,

Talk to her offside. Just casually say she makes you feel how you do because she seems disinterested. X

[Jackw]

My mum came with me to my first wedding dress trying on session and somehow pressurised me into buying the first dress I tried on. Then we went head- dress shopping with my sister and she had my sister trying them on too and told me how much better they looked on my sister. I think what I'm trying to say is that it's not always like in films and TV programmes and perhaps you are better off going with a friend who you know will be supportive.

[firesidechat]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think most mums are excited about going to choose wedding dresses with their daughters. And if they aren't, a little bit of faking it wouldn't go amiss.

I've just seen your other posts op and I'm sorry that your mum has been so uncaring. We could theorise on here all day long as to why she does what she does, but maybe she will never be an involved and enthusiastic mum.

Go with your friends and have a wonderful time. It is her loss.

[Frecklefeatures]

My Mum can be like that too, so I went with a friend the first time so I could try dresses on and be excited, then took Mum the 2nd time once I'd narrowed it down to ones I loved. She surprised me by getting quite emotional when she saw me in THE dress, it was a lovely (and unusual) moment.

[Hissy]

I had the same crap response when I was pg. it was such a shock to me that she wouldn't be remotely interested.

The only grandchild at that time.

Sadly this was the beginning of the unmasking. Long story short, her resentment/jealousy/dysfunction got worse

Having dc of our own can really show up where things weren't right.

You can't make her the mum you want her to be. She's never going to be. I'm sorry, I know that's tragic and utterly heart breaking to have to take on board.

Plan the wedding you want, wheels you want and don't ask for her involvement again. She will only disappoint you, let you down or make you feel crap about whatever it is.

Has your Dh to be got a nice mum? Perhaps she'll be able to compensate for yours.

Remember that this is nothing you did, it's her choice to treat you as a lesser being. She's so way off being right it's not true. But it's probably jealousy or some such nonsense.

(((Hug))))

[glammanana]

Oh you poor thing I would have loved to have been invited to the wedding dress fitting of my DD and DIL but they both decided to go with bridesmaids only I was devastated to say the least,specially when my DIL made it known she did not like my choice of colour for my suit and I had to buy another !!!,(yes I kept my calm),but she quite openly took the £3K csh to pay for the table vases/cars/favours etc.
My eldest boy gets married next year (June) in Las Vegas and future DIL has me bombarded with lists and comparisons for hotels/hen nights/days out/the lists are endless I think it is going to be a long 18mths somehow,I wish they would just go to Gretna Green and be done with it,they have lived to-gether for 6 yrs.

[offside]

Thank you for all your lovely replies.

In regards to expectations of her role at my wedding, I honestly don't have any. Just for her to enjoy her part as mother of the bride and getting dressed up. I would want nor expect anything more from her.

I can't believe you had to buy another outfit glammanana! I wouldn't have the nerve to make such demands. As long as my guests and family are comfortable, happy and enjoying themselves I would be happy.

I think I will just go along with friends, I will probably be more relaxed and enjoy it more. As a pp has said, I could then invite her along once I have chosen the dress.

Goats, I haven't had counselling. I think I just need to accept that she isn't and won't be the mum I would want to be for my daughter. I do have an epiphany from time to time but then feel like maybe I'm at fault and should make more effort and so the cycle continues.

My DP is always saying I should just tell her how I feel but when I've tried to do that in the past she's just laughed at me.

In fact, my DP was the one who got the ball rolling when I was pregnant. She wouldn't visit me in our new home and sent my father round to tell my DP how upset she was that I was being distant with her. She had apparently been crying. My DP told my DF that I was upset that she hadn't shown any interest in my pregnancy and was being rather cold, shown no effort or involvement and I was the one do all the chasing for her to show some kind of interest. My DF started making excuses for her and my DP told him he wasn't interested in the excuses and she needed to speak to me. She called me a couple of house after my DF left acting like nothing was wrong.

That was 9 months ago and she still hasn't been round to this day. She says she is to busy (she doesn't work) but will call me up and say "you can bring DD round tomorrow I'm not going out" or "I'm taking DD for a walk tomorrow". She never asks me if it's ok or if I have any plans, she just expects that when she has the time to see my DD I have to drop our plans and take her over to her house.

Anyway, I'm diverting away from my original post, but I suppose there is background there. I should have learnt by now that if she wants to be involved, she will tell me and I shouldn't expect that she will want to be involved in the most important events of my life.

Waffle waffle waffle!!!

[offside]

Sorry for the errors!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

To be honest - from your last post it sounds to me as though your mother is holding a right grudge against you for something and thinks that you need to apologise for it [even though you are clearly oblivious or more likely, did nothing wrong in the first place]

The relationship with your DIL by comparison is odd. She's clearly up to making the effort/taking interest. Is your brother "goldenballs" by any chance. Did your brother and SIL get married before having children? Perhaps she is being old fashioned about it all being in the "wrong order"?

I think you need to stop setting yourself up for a disinterested metaphorical slap in the face but training yourself to do that is a bit of a long road. We've all had friends/boyfriends where we've always been the one to do the running and it can take a while before the light dawns that to some extent, they wouldn't really be that bothered if we weren't around.

I did my dress shopping by myself though so I'm plainly a bit weird. I find it much easier to be decisive about what I do and don't like when there is no-one else around offering opinions

Glammama - I can't figure out why your DIL would be bombarding you - she either thinks you are the bee's knees and has a very disinterested mum and fiance or she's bridezilla