I posted a while ago on the separation thread and got some really helpful replies, but it was suggested to me that this is a busier board and might be better in future.
My story is very long so I won't get into it all again. But at around xmas time, I made the very difficult decision to refer myself to Women's Aid as a survivor of EA, because (for various reasons) I felt I'd hit a brick wall at 18 months, where initially I'd been so happy to be free, but it was all crumbling down around me again.
We have a child and share custody. No major issues there although personally I'd like to have her 90% not 50/50 (and she has regularly started waking in the night and telling me not to take her back to daddy's - and that is completely unprompted or led by me, I am careful not to talk to her about any of this) I don't have concerns about her safety there, I just think she and I have a very close bond and she wants her mummy. She's only little.
The problem has been that once I did the very thorough referral process with WA, I had nowhere to take all the feelings this opened up. Like so many services, you have to wait months and months to be seen. The survivor's group won't be available until April. And once I opened up, I hit what I guess is the angry stage. I hate what he did to me, and that I allowed it to happen. I hate that he forced us to pretend we split amicably and that none of our friends knew the truth.
I do have some telephone CBT sessions at the moment, thank goodness, but he freely admits he has no DV/EA experience but he does his best to listen and help.
I had a recent realisation that I was never going to get better unless I confronted ex about his behaviour, which he always refused to discuss when we were together, apologise for or even discuss when we split. We were together for 10 years. And I have always held back from truly confronting him, because I didn't want him to retaliate by being unpleasant, or making our custody agreements awkward or messing me about.
And then I thought - I have the right to tell him what he did to me, and not live in fear of his reaction. I can't go on like this. So I did, and I wrote a letter. I kept it calm and factual, but I was very blunt. I told him that everything is on record with the agencies that I'm involved with, my barrister, and made it clear that this is very serious, that he is responsible for the damage he caused me, that none of it is my fault, and that I have the right to finally tell him what he has done without living in fear of retaliation.
I don't expect a reply, or an apology. But the day afterwards, I now feel literally sick with shock and fear. Maybe it's because it's the first time I've truly confronted him about it, but I am not coping well in my head. I can make sure my LO is loved, cared for and do everything that needs doing at home, but my head is a mess. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I can't focus on work. I don't know what to do with all of this in my head. I want to feel better and I don't regret sending it, but I hate feeling like this.
If anyone's done something similar I'd be very grateful to hear your stories. Thank you.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Confronting EX over EA and now feel awful, and a mess
ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 11:13
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