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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Confronting EX over EA and now feel awful, and a mess

53 replies

ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 11:13

I posted a while ago on the separation thread and got some really helpful replies, but it was suggested to me that this is a busier board and might be better in future.

My story is very long so I won't get into it all again. But at around xmas time, I made the very difficult decision to refer myself to Women's Aid as a survivor of EA, because (for various reasons) I felt I'd hit a brick wall at 18 months, where initially I'd been so happy to be free, but it was all crumbling down around me again.

We have a child and share custody. No major issues there although personally I'd like to have her 90% not 50/50 (and she has regularly started waking in the night and telling me not to take her back to daddy's - and that is completely unprompted or led by me, I am careful not to talk to her about any of this) I don't have concerns about her safety there, I just think she and I have a very close bond and she wants her mummy. She's only little.

The problem has been that once I did the very thorough referral process with WA, I had nowhere to take all the feelings this opened up. Like so many services, you have to wait months and months to be seen. The survivor's group won't be available until April. And once I opened up, I hit what I guess is the angry stage. I hate what he did to me, and that I allowed it to happen. I hate that he forced us to pretend we split amicably and that none of our friends knew the truth.

I do have some telephone CBT sessions at the moment, thank goodness, but he freely admits he has no DV/EA experience but he does his best to listen and help.

I had a recent realisation that I was never going to get better unless I confronted ex about his behaviour, which he always refused to discuss when we were together, apologise for or even discuss when we split. We were together for 10 years. And I have always held back from truly confronting him, because I didn't want him to retaliate by being unpleasant, or making our custody agreements awkward or messing me about.

And then I thought - I have the right to tell him what he did to me, and not live in fear of his reaction. I can't go on like this. So I did, and I wrote a letter. I kept it calm and factual, but I was very blunt. I told him that everything is on record with the agencies that I'm involved with, my barrister, and made it clear that this is very serious, that he is responsible for the damage he caused me, that none of it is my fault, and that I have the right to finally tell him what he has done without living in fear of retaliation.

I don't expect a reply, or an apology. But the day afterwards, I now feel literally sick with shock and fear. Maybe it's because it's the first time I've truly confronted him about it, but I am not coping well in my head. I can make sure my LO is loved, cared for and do everything that needs doing at home, but my head is a mess. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I can't focus on work. I don't know what to do with all of this in my head. I want to feel better and I don't regret sending it, but I hate feeling like this.

If anyone's done something similar I'd be very grateful to hear your stories. Thank you.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 04/03/2015 11:19

I don't have any similar experience with a partner, but I just wanted to let you know that I heard you, and I hope you can find some peace on the other side of the action you've taken.

I don't think it's surprising that you feel very fearful and guilty - he's spent a long time convincing you that you have no right to complain or question him, and that you are not allowed Hmm to tell anyone what he's done. Even though you know that's bullshit and you can do what you like, the emotional messages that he's imprinted on you are still there, and they're talking to you now. They will quiet eventually.

Are your work aware of the situation? Any possibility of reduced hours at the moment, or do you get enough sick pay to be able to cope if you are signed off for a while? You have an awful lot to cope with right now. Flowers

FabULouse · 04/03/2015 11:25

This reply has been deleted

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 11:27

It sounds as though you really had to write that letter and send it. I do understand some of your frustration with your ex. For me there was a strong sense of injustice that I had suffered so much and they appeared to be totally unaffected, not held to account, life carrying on as if nothing had happened. Don't know if that resonates with you.

I'm sorry the survivors' group has such a long wait. Are you in contact with your GP? Can you talk to them about your anxiety and get a referral or other treatment? I'm also sorry you haven't felt that you could tell your friends the truth. Maybe now is the time to correct that.... confiding in some selected friends can be a huge relief. Keeping his horrible secret is a) very stressful and b) a privilege he really doesn't deserve.

So you've faced your fears, you've said your piece, you've sent the letter and it's been an intensely distressing process - hence why you feel sick. You will cope but I think you need to reach out to more sources for moral support.

ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 11:30

Thank you pocketsaviour. I appreciate the kind words. I work for myself, which is a good thing in this case - but also bad, because I struggle to cope with the jobs that I do take on (and spend an awful lot of time psyching myself up for them, and putting on a brave smile to get through it.) I don't get any sick pay being self employed, and live on a very meagre income. But I do have a lovely new partner who understands what I'm trying to work through, and pays for all the practical stuff like our home, and day to day necessities.

My therapist said it sounds like he used control in many ways, such as discrediting anything I said about him, or confronted him about, so there are a lot of old feelings about that to get over that are connected.

I finally confided in a few of our mutual friends recently, and they were shocked to hear the truth. And I told the school today about what I'm dealing with at the moment, and they have it on my child's file. So I am slowly revealing the truth to certain people and places.

It doesn't help that he is expecting a baby with his new GF and they are living in what was my former home, which is hard to take - and he was completely horrible to me when my baby was young, refused to believe I had PND and all sorts, so the thought of him being a dad again is not easy to hear - and reminds me of what I went through.

OP posts:
ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 11:42

Crossposts while I was typing that to pocketsaviour. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the messages, I mean it - I'm in tears. I feel so broken and sad today, and angry that I wasted 10 years of my life. I do have a beautiful child and a positive future ahead with my new partner, but I hate how this keeps affecting me.

CogitoErgoSometimes you hit the nail on the head, I have felt such anger and a lack of justice for what happened, and him forcing me to be silent meant he got away with it. He also convinced his family that I was unstable and unreasonable which was devastating (I was formerly close to his mum) and hugely unfair. I'm sure he's told his new partner a right story about me. I could no longer carry that around with me and so I had to do this.

Only 3 friends know about it now, and not too many details - but they know and understand much more now.

FabULouse, my partner said he was proud of me for sending it too, and for having the realisation that I had to confront him in order to try and get better, so thank for for saying that too. I find it hard to give myself credit.

I had CBT for PND and anxiety (which he tried to block me from attending) when my LO was 6 months old, and I'm on a waiting list for new CBT and the WA survivor's group, which hopefully should come through in April. I referred in October and I know that it's not the longest wait considering NHS cutbacks, but when you have to live with it day to day, it can feel endlessly long. I do call the WA helpline sometimes, and my partner is always here for me, but sometimes the pain is so strong inside of me that I feel like I'm a burden and I don't want to go on about it too much.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 11:48

Emotional Abuse is particular damaging because it's all about psychological control. Manipulation of emotions. Creating false hope of a happy relationship with nice behaviour only to dash it with bad behaviour. The gradual forcing of you to compromise your standards and values over time, the crushing of confidence, setting up anxiety in you to want to keep the peace, make things better...... Your head is not your own.

So the after effects linger long after the relationship ends and, once you properly realise how comprehensively you were .... for want of a better word .... 'fooled'...... the anger can be all-consuming and, as I said earlier, the injustice can really stick in your craw. He has your former home? He has a nice new GF and a nice new baby on the way? Where's the natural justice, right? Of course you're angry.

ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 12:17

Yes, yes and yes again. He made me feel like it was all my fault, that I was crazy, that I was a drama queen. He made us follow diets he thought were best, and I didn't have a say on decorating the house. I had to clean the house and cook him a nice meal to placate him when I wanted to go out.

Then he'd get me amazing birthday or xmas presents, or have moments of being really nice.

The house needs to be sold, he dragged his feet getting it to market and then moved her in and dropped all that, but that is another long tale, and also makes me angry. But we'll get rid of it eventually.

Thank you all, this has helped. I might get some work done this afternoon after I have a bit of a pillow punch. :)

OP posts:
Handywoman · 04/03/2015 13:02

ohsotired I went through something very similar. ten years (from the birth of dc1 onwards) of EA. He refused to acknowledge or discuss what went on. He has continued to abuse me/treat me like a 2 dimensional entity rather than a person, with hatred and zero empathy: everything is 'my choice' 'what I want' etc. yet he has also tried to act like 'my friend'. Yuk. He has sat passively playing 'the victim', and is a shit parent, too. He now has a new life with new friends and a new flat and a new girlfriend. Just up the road but does the bare minimum with the dc - think 'childminder' rather than 'dad. I never knew true, bitter, hatred until I left this man. It has been very painful.

I've been in counselling for almost a year, now. This has helped immensely. What has also helped is meditation - which helps me to become aware of my feelings, acknowledge resistance and let go where possible. I use the 'Headspace' app which is brilliant (and totally down-to-earth). I practise this daily.

I do now allow this man into my house. Contact is minimal with almost no face-to-fact contact at all (my dc are 10 and 12).

I have had to accept that some people, like my family, will never 'get it' and put emotional distance between myself and them. This takes some therapy time, to process those relationships too. But I also have friends who have a more open mind, and some who have witnessed stuff and seen him for what and who he is.

I am 20 months 'free' of this man. I have recovered a great deal, with many setbacks along the way. At Christmas, for example, I hit another low. But the overall trend is upwards. I know I am recovering, because I am starting to finally believe that I am doing a great job of all this - kids, home, job, keeping all the balls in the air and doing it well. My kids are growing fast, I can see them turning into lovely people and am taking great satisfaction this that is 100% my work 0% his. I have a wonderful bond with my dc and I know I have given them a true gift by getting him out of the house and enabling myself to be the best parent I can be.

I try to be my own very best friend in all this. That's probably the most important thing. I make sure I take time out nowadays, for self-care: running, yoga, walks etc. I have had to accept I am not invincible and hire a cleaner. And with this extra space in my head I tell myself, actively, that I am doing a 'good job'. With all this good work, his influence is disappearing.

I am glad you have a lovely partner. You deserve one.

I've sent you these before, on the other thread: but have more Thanks

Handywoman · 04/03/2015 13:23

You might find it helpful, if you haven't already, to look at the resources by Melanie Tonia Evans on Narcissistic Abuse. She a bit 'woo' but also speaks a lot of truth.

Overall it is best if you can divert your emotional energy away from him and onto you. I hope your letter helps with that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 13:26

"a bit of a pillow punch."

Here's a story from the Cog Archives. I used to have recurring nightmares in which my ex would be standing in front of me and I (a totally non-violent person) would be thumping his face like it was one of those punch-balls in a gym. In the dream I would be getting more and more furious and he would be standing there, saying nothing, absorbing all the punches with a look of pure nonchalance... Doesn't take a Oxbridge degree to interpret that!

I'm glad you understand that you're unlikely to ever get him to apologise, acknowledge the hurt or even ... like my dream... get a reaction. I bet even your letter got screwed up and chucked in the bin unread... because you're a 'crazy drama queen'. Time helps a lot. Focus on the things you can control now ... he's not one of them

ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 13:28

Thank you Handywoman, I remember your Flowers and kind words and you are very lovely to send me more.

You say many wise things, I'm glad you're on the road to recovery and I totally agree that it is a slow, long and often painful process. Right now I am in the indignant, angry phase that wants justice. I know it's not fair, but I don't think he deserves a shred of happiness in his life because of what he did to me. I'm not going to do anything daft, but I had to stand up to him and send him the letter. That was a huge step.

I really hope the CBT and WA group will help me move forward once they have room for me.

I do try to be kind, but being skint makes it very hard to treat yourself and there are only so many hot baths and walks you can take. So I'm trying to focus on having the strength to take on more work, so I can have more money in my pocket. I would love to go get my hair done, and go out for cocktails with my girlfriends without thinking I can only have the one. (I don't even have the one at the moment!)

I want to let go of the hatred, because it's not helpful and it pre-occupies my thoughts. There's a long way to go, but talking and waiting for help will hopefully get me there one step at a time.

Mostly though, I wish I could see in his head and if he ever, ever contemplates and admits to himself what a completely cruel and utterly horrible person he was to me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 13:41

"I wish I could see in his head and if he ever, ever contemplates and admits to himself what a completely cruel and utterly horrible person he was to me."

This is a common sticking point. I think, if you could see inside the head of such people, you'd find it a completely alien place where none of the usual rules apply. Most normal people give some consideration to how their behaviour impacts on others before they go ahead. They don't set out to deliberately hurt or cause offence. If they want something, they ask nicely or are prepared to do something in return. It's called a conscience, empathy, neighbourliness, kindness.... normal, normal, normal.

Abusive people start from a completely different place. In their world the only thing that matters is getting what they want. Other people are not important except to facilitate getting their own way. If others don't cooperate, they are the enemy to be bullied, insulted and manipulated until they are back under control. They don't care how their behaviour impacts on others... the ends justifies the means.

SilverFishFly · 04/03/2015 13:43

I'm at that angry stage too and it is all consuming, the anger i feel towards him and towards myself for being such a fool. Slightly different circumstance (together 2ishyrs, no kids together but he has a son 11yr) but the EA and the fear i feel about his reprisals are immense, even though i am now 30miles away and have gone NC (apart from one email sent in response to a bullshit apologetic email from him - i've heard the same old crap too many times to get pulled in again - where i asked him not to contact me unless it was to pay back the £3k he owe's me, i was polite and calm but really i wanted to tell him to FUCK OFF YOU PIECE OF SHIT - sorry, thats the anger seeping out !!! But whats bad is that i'm normally very calm and relaxed person; i don't like what i am at the moment! And i've a 4mth wait for counselling.

Anger is part of the recovery procesd - if you don't start getting angry and telling people what really happened you'll never get fully over him ... that's what i keep telling myself anyway and thats how i justify it to myself.

I did the tears (lots and lots of them) and confusion during the relationship (never had a realtionship like it, but then i've never dated a narrisistic EA before!) now its the angry stage ... then the calm will come.

ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 13:45

Yeah, I get that. He is an arrogant narcissist who is extremely proud of his level of intelligence and regularly got irritated with me (or anyone) who could not immediately understand what he thought was right or logical. Empathy of any kind was not something he comprehended, except occasionally in cases of real emergency (e.g. death in the family)

OP posts:
SilverFishFly · 04/03/2015 13:51

Empathy and compromise are not part of their world!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 13:53

Oh he thought he was a superior intellect as well? I'm going to send you a link to an article called Are You Dating An Abuser? It's actually intended for people who are just getting into relationships. Little 'early warning signs' of potentially abusive behaviour. But it's also a good one to read after you get out, just to reassure you that there is a recognised pattern to a lot of this stuff. He's not original.

Very Early Warning Sign #4 is 'Superiority'.... Potential abusers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem, i.e., they need to feel better than someone else to feel okay about themselves. They need to point out ways in which they are smarter, more sensitive, or more talented than others. This, too, can be seductive in dating, as he will point out ways in which you are superior, too.

ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 13:58

If only I knew this 10 years ago... sigh. But I'm afraid I came from a very poor family upbringing (religious weirdos) with no role models, an EA dad and no clue on stuff like this. I'm determined to be there for my little girl so none of this ever, ever happens to her if I can help it. Thanks for the link.

And yes, he was immensely proud of his MENSA membership. rolls eyes

OP posts:
ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 14:00

God this thread is cathartic! But also making me HELLA ANGRY!! Smile

I'm going to take it out on art supplies tonight when I have to whip up a national book day costume...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 14:09

MENSA... My Ego Needs Special Attention. :) (I have a MENSA key-fob... but I really am an intellectual)

ohsotired45 · 04/03/2015 14:22

Reading that article has been very interesting and helpful, but has made me so angry too. Sarcasm was another major tool. He used to mock my voice, as I was speaking to someone during an important phone call - to put me off my guard and then mess things up.

I'm gong to step away for a bit now, before my head implodes.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 14:28

OK... keep calm and do something fun.

iloverunning36 · 04/03/2015 17:24

I know exactly how you feel. I sent my ex my mumsnet links and he responded saying he didn't read them/the world and its dogs knew what a tragic life I had left/I was taking advice from Internet ghouls who had nothing better to do with their time/this was another example of me casting up the past/he is not abusive he knows he isn't/ 2 doctors and 3 counsellors have told him he isn't bad or mad/people warned him about me blowing everything out of proportion blah blah blah. I think it made me more angry and I was also scared about how he would react when I did it. No advice, just more Flowers

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iloverunning36 · 04/03/2015 17:27

And i would imagine he will do the same to his new gf as he did to you. My ex did the same stuff to me and the mother of his other child, same stuff to stop us sleeping and eating and same insults. Hmm

GoatsDoRoam · 04/03/2015 17:49

Hi OP - keep using MN.

The waiting list for the survivors' group was months in my case as well, when I needed it. So I spent a lot of time on the EA support thread that was going at the time, created a bond with the women there, read a LOT of online resources... and a few months later when the survivors' group finally started, I found I didn't need it anymore: all my emotional work had been done on here.

I hope you find the same release.

ohsotired45 · 05/03/2015 10:11

I think I somehow missed a few replies yesterday - it was a very emotional up and down one and I was a bit all over the shop, but thank you to everyone who's responded. I will definitely make a list of reading suggestions and go to them when I feel ready. Right now, I feel utter exhaustion and that panic/fear from having sent the letter. (It was an email, and he is a pretty nosy type, so I'm fairly certain he'll have read it. But I'm not expecting any kind of response.)

I have my first huge job in ages to get through tomorrow, it's all down to me and I have to nail it. And right now I don't feel like I can. I'm in panic mode, I feel so alone, my head feels numb and my self critic is telling me I'm going to mess it up and do an awful job. I just want to go back to bed. It's so exhausting and I wish I could just be confident and get on with it. So I'm going to spend today slowly prepping, making sure I'm ready for it and try to think positive.

On a more positive note, I sent my telephone CBT therapist a copy of what I'd written to him, and he said some very lovely and uplifting things. That I was brave, and that he thought it was assertive but not accusatory, and made it clear that I was no longer going to let this affect me (not confronting the EA as if it didn't happen) because of a fear of retaliation. So that was nice to hear.

Thanks again everyone. You've all helped. x

OP posts:
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