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Relationships

Seemingly very nice man - so what's wrong?!

65 replies

Datingagain · 04/03/2015 10:24

I am hoping for some good advice - as I am going round in circles with this!

Having had a completely shitty few years men-wise, which I chatted about on here a fair bit at the time, I finally met a very "nice man" a year and a half ago.

He was seemingly everything I thought I wanted - kind, consistent, responsible, (very) ready for commitment etc. Basically, the complete opposite of my flighty, cheating, commitment-phobe ex (also the father of my child).

So we had a fabulous first year. He's interesting, bright, fun, sociable, and we get on really very well. Slowly I introduced him to friends and family, and finally my child, who he is absolultely lovely with. He wants us to move in together, he wants us to get engaged and married - and says he wants to look after us for ever.

I really should be on cloud 9. So what's wrong with me? I am beginning to wonder, if I am just one of those people who is no good at relationships.

Mostly, when we're together, it's great, but I am finding it really hard to be with him all the time.

We both work and have active social lives - and he is always more than happy for me to go out and about and for him to (sometimes) babysit etc, but quite often, I just want to be on my own.

Not neccessarily out and about, just in, on my own. We are not living together yet, but he spends most nights here (his choice). I don't feel I'm ready to move in and be together "full time", but he is very keen to - and thinks that after a year and a half, I should be ready too.

This is starting to be a massive issue and although he hasn't said anything yet, I can tell that this is going to be a deal-breaker for him. My default on this has been that he's being unreasonable, but actually, if the boot was on the other foot, I'd be pissed off too. Neither of us is terribly young, both in our 40s, so I don't know why I'm stalling.

It'd be easy to just say that he's not the right "one" and that if he were, I'd be rushing into moving in / getting married, but I don't think it's that simple. I really do love him and am very happy with him - in an ideal world, I'd just like for him to be away a few nights a week and for the odd weekend! Although, when my ex used to do this (for work) I hated it.

Maybe I am just not meant to be in a relationship...Though I know that if we did split up, I'd be devastated. I don't think I'd ever find someone who loves me as much as he does. Between ex and him, I did spend the best part of three years on my own - and was very happy. But then did try online dating and getting out and about - and met precisely no-one as nice as him.

Sorry for the essay...just don't know what to do. Would really appreciate any advice! Thanks x

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HoraceCope · 04/03/2015 10:27

no i think you are right to be hesitant. It is good to keep your own identity. I bet life has taught you that.
if you didnt see him again, how would you feel about that.
it doesnt have to be all or nothing

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SaucyJack · 04/03/2015 10:37

If you think it's more of a problem than just liking your own company, I have two possible theories after reading your OP;

First, you're not comfortable enough with him yet to relax and be yourself in your own home and that's why you need space to slob about in your jimjams- or whatever it is you like doing when he's not there. Are you still at the stage of dressing nicely and cooking "nice" dinners when he comes round? Do you feel the need to entertain him like he's a guest?

Second, you quite simply find him a bit boring to have around all the time. Sorry.

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Datingagain · 04/03/2015 10:39

Thanks Horace. I do think it's important to keep my own identity - I'd never let that go - nor would he want me to.

But surely I can do that and be in a full-time relationship too?! I can see friends and others doing it.

If I never saw him again I'd be devastated. I know that for sure. And I would forever regret "throwing away" someone who is genuinely, nicer to me than anyone ever has been. I just feel a bit suffocated at the moment - and I can't work out why...

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Datingagain · 04/03/2015 10:46

Saucy - that made me smile!

No, we are well past the "dressing nicely" and making him fancy dinners stage! In fact, thinking about it, I look like a slob most of the time he's here now - and am very much myself - to the point where I'm often quite grumpy and snappy. (Not good, I know)

And I don't think it's the boring bit particularly either. He is fun and interesting.

This sounds terrible, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's just that the "thrill" of the relationship has gone. As in, I know he really loves me - even grumpy and in trackie bottoms he tells me how wonderful and special I am - and that there's just no challenge there anymore, if that makes sense? That makes me sound horrible.

Oh this is hard.

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CheersMedea · 04/03/2015 10:49

What is your relationship history? And what was your childhood like?

If for whatever reason you associate love with angst, rejection or trying to win approval (eg. parents who expected you to achieve to be loved), then it may be as simple as your brain is not wired to respond emotionally to kindness and love.

ie. you get turned on emotionally and sexually by bad boys - but not in some childish, teenage way - but because of a deep rooted sense of feeling comfortable around rejection.

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SaucyJack · 04/03/2015 10:52

Ha! Maybe you need a bit more dressing up and fancy wine then. Get the frisson back.

You're not Aquarius are you? Or Libra or Gemini?

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Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 10:59

I think it's totally normal that after coming out of a long term relationship you are wanting to take this one more slowly.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him, just that you are working to different timescales.

Give it more time, tell him that you need more time before you move in together as you value your independence. Ask him not to over analyse this decision, explain it's about you and your past choices and not about him or anything he has done.

Good luck

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Datingagain · 04/03/2015 11:01

Ouch Cheers, that's pretty spot on.

Relationship history is complete crap. Series of commitment-phobe blokes. I was never, ever interested in the "nice guys" who treated me well, but ridiculously keen to chase and "get" the elusive, disinterested ones - including DS's Dad, who then dumped me when pregnant.

I promised myself, I would never, ever go there again - and if I ever got into a relationship again, it would be with someone solid, consistent and kind. Which this one is. Only now, I'm destroying it for some crazy reason.

Childhood was good in some ways, bad in others. Parents loved us very much, but hated one another. Awful rows, fights, recriminations - altogether very dramatic and up and down. And I know that it has left me with no blueprint whatsoever, of how a good relationship should be.

I have had some counselling in the past, but it clearly hasn't worked. I could just cry. And am so scared that I will be passing this "bad relationship" model to my child too.

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Datingagain · 04/03/2015 11:03

Nope Saucy, am Leo! Though that's a good idea. Problem is that he fancies me just as much in my scruffs as in my fancy get up. And sex is great anyway. Need to try something different though, I agree...but suspect it may be a bit more deep rooted than "making an effort"...

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 11:07

You don't have to conform to any kind of traditional set-up. So if you like your own space and your independence and you'd feel unhappy sharing your home with someone 24/7 then that's not wrong at all and it doesn't mean that you're not cut out for a relationship. You're in a perfectly good relationship and all that matters is that he's equally happy with the arrangement. Your feelings may change over time, they may not.

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CheersMedea · 04/03/2015 11:08

I don't think it's uncommon to feel like that Datingagain. I have more than one female friend who is exactly the same.

It weirdly seems to be a particular dynamic among high achieving women - that they need to "chase" (or more accurately do the "pick me" dance) a man who is a little bit interested and blowing hot/cold. No idea why this is so common in that personality type or whether it is a chicken or egg situation (do they high achieve because they are like that; or do they become like that because they have achieved themselves out of the average male ballpark).

The only thing I could suggest really is more counselling - maybe CBT or similar. But I suspect it is very hard to re-wire your brain and emotions.

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ToYouToMe · 04/03/2015 11:27

Isn't it 'normal' to want to have some time and space for yourself?

Relationships often work best when there's space between couples and you don't spend every minute together. It can be suffocating for some people.

Wanting to have evenings and the odd weekend to yourself doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready to commit.

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MamaMotherMummy · 04/03/2015 11:30

Always seeking after bad boys and men who don't particularly like us apparently is us trying to replay childhood situations in which we tried to seek approval or connection from a withholding parent. We follow the same pattern over and over trying to get a different result, i.e. trying to redo our childhood. Whatever approval we get, though, can't heal the hurt that was caused by our childhood rejections (however small or large they were, they run deep), so we keep on seeking approval from others. The more we can make people who are uninterested in us approve of us, the more powerful we feel. This tries to compensate for the powerlessness of childhood.

I got this all from my understanding of the book The Drama of Being a Child. Some may think its psychobabble but it ran really deep with me and I frequently found myself sobbing while reading it! And I had a fairly 'normal' childhood. Apparently this applies to most everyone, not just those from abusive or unstable backgrounds.

Apparently the only way to break the cycle is to use our loving adult selves to love the child we were and give it the approval it so wanted. Because that rejected child is still within us, judgment consumed by emotion and not able to act for a constructive future. And no one else can heal it now but us. If anyone else heals it we become dependent on them like a child is dependent on a parent.

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Datingagain · 04/03/2015 11:31

Thanks Cogito - you're right. The only problem is, he is absolutely not happy with the arrangement. And is starting to intimate, that this is not going to work, if I'm not ready for that next stage.

And I can understand that. From about 6 months in, he's been absolutely clear and consistent, that he wants to marry me and be with me forever. If it was me feeling that way, and him being "not sure", I'm sure I'd be thinking that that wasn't good enough.

But I'm just so reluctant to let this relationship go. I really do think that if I can't make it work with him, then that's it, it'll never work with anyone.

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HoraceCope · 04/03/2015 11:34

have you discussed which home you would live in?

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Datingagain · 04/03/2015 11:34

Toyou, I think it is very normal, yes! And we do do things separately. It's just, he says, his "default" position, is for us to do things together - whereas I think mine is to do things apart! It's strange. He is the polar opposite of my ex - which is exactly what I thought I wanted. Only now, this doesn't seem so ideal either...

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 11:34

"re-wire your brain and emotions."

I don't see anything wrong with the OP's brain or emotions. Probably because I don't want to share my home with someone 24/7 either and would find it suffocating. :) And I would include in that statement friends and family as well as a male partner. Independence, contentment, absence of compromise and the ability to just relax and do your own thing are terrific things. Not to be given up lightly!

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FabULouse · 04/03/2015 11:36

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KellyElly · 04/03/2015 11:37

I am very similar to you with a 'nice' man in my life. He is uncomplicated, kind, considerate etc, but I find it suffocating to the point where now I have told him all I can have is a FWB type situation. It is completely me and I know this, and I really should be in a relationship with him and go on and have a great life with him. I have no advice OP, I just know how you feel.

What another poster said really resonates with me If for whatever reason you associate love with angst, rejection or trying to win approval (eg. parents who expected you to achieve to be loved), then it may be as simple as your brain is not wired to respond emotionally to kindness and love.

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Datingagain · 04/03/2015 11:38

Mama, that is very interesting - thanks for taking the time to write it. That does ring horribly true - and I think it may well be worthwhile me reading that book too.

It's odd, because I thought I had actively put that attraction to "bad boys" thing behind me, but I didn't realise that that may then also impede my ability to be loved by and to love someone who is a "nice guy". Hmmm.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 11:39

"From about 6 months in, he's been absolutely clear and consistent, that he wants to marry me and be with me forever. "

Then you're not working to the same timetable and you don't want the same things. Doesn't mean you're right and he's wrong or vice versa... it's just an incompatibility. How serious an incompatibility it is is for you to decide. If you're feeling suffocated and he's upset at your lack of commitment then maybe it's too big an incompatibility. Sad but there you go....

FWIW I think six months is way too soon to be talking about marriage and forever....

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trackrBird · 04/03/2015 11:39

Maybe it's just me, but I got to your 4th para and blurted out 'oh god.'

He wants us to move in together, he wants us to get engaged and married - and says he wants to look after us for ever. You also described him as very ready for commitment.

Even with the loveliest person, if you don't feel the same way, at the same time, that could feel quite suffocating, for want of a better word. If you were a man talking about a woman, I would say the same. It just seems too much on some level.

You aren't quite on the same page here, at the very least. You're feeling crowded and need more time to follow your own pursuits sometimes. I don't think it means you're unsuited to any relationship, only that you should take your time and set the agenda more for this one.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 11:41

" that may then also impede my ability to be loved by and to love someone who is a "nice guy". "

With respect, I think that's far too simplistic. 'Nice guys' can very easily be the 'wrong guys'. The opposite of a bad boy that is wrong for you is not a good guy that is wrong for you......

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MitchellMummy · 04/03/2015 11:43

I think it may be easier if you lived together. It's always hard being a visitor somewhere, even if you're close. But if/when you're living together there's always stuff to do and you can both do your own things in the same house. Perhaps!

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HoraceCope · 04/03/2015 11:47

how about if you move in with him and if you own your house? rent it out, then you have somewhere to go, but also will make money?

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