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Relationships

Has anyone else felt like this? Do you think it is you or your DP who is messing up...

42 replies

tuesdaydays1 · 03/03/2015 10:36

I have got into a spiral of feeling insecure and not feeling like my DP will stick around. We've been together for 3 years. He is a lot more relaxed than me, and I've noticed (not through game-playing but just naturally), that when I am busier, he is much more attentive. Even down to smaller things like more texts, more loving texts etc. I feel as if the more I have fallen in love with him, the more he neglects the relationship. Don't get me wrong, he is caring and when I am not in my 'insecure' phase, things are really good between us. I have begun more and more to measure my own worth on his feelings towards me - hence why I am always so keen to 'check' he still loves and wants me. In reality, though, I know this makes me less attractive. I do have many friends and I do have hobbies (dance class once a week and swimming instructor after work some nights). I also meet up with friends regularly and go on trips with them. He seemed to want my attention much much more at the start of the relationship (I know this is natural in some ways).

Has anyone else ever been through this? I know the usual things to say are get a hobby, see friends more etc etc but I feel that I have all that and do those things. I just want to know if my DP's actions do really mean that he's not that bothered (ie he is bothered only when I am aloof), or whether this is totally natural for someone to become distant/more attentive depending on how you act, even if they really love you.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 03/03/2015 10:41

Surely it's natural to make more of an effort when you've not got so much time together Confused

If DH is on weeks where he's away or works longer hours, we text and speak more and the time we have together is more special.

AmyElliotDunne · 03/03/2015 10:42

I know exactly what you mean tuesday, I find exactly the same thing. I suppose it's only natural that if he feels you 'slipping away' he will do more of the running.

We go through phases where one of us is definitely more attentive. Maybe there is only so much of the attentiveness 'pie' to go round and so if you're giving 70% he only gives 30% and vice versa.

I did actually say to my DD once that the secret of a good relationship is that they love you just a little bit more than you love them. I don't believe that's true of my RL, I am bowled over by my DP and can't believe my luck in finding him, but I don't think it hurts for him to think that he loves me a bit more than I love him once in a while!

I don't think it's game playing, it just helps you both to keep things in perspective if you realise you have to put in some effort and that the other person won't do all the running all the time.

MillyMollyMandy78 · 03/03/2015 10:50

I'm afraid i don't have any answer for you but i feel exactly the same. I can be insecure anyway, but i guess i always thought the insecurity would improve once we had been together for a while. We've been together for over 10 years now and i still go throught crippling phases of insecurity for many of the reasons you mentioned in your post

tuesdaydays1 · 03/03/2015 10:52

It is reassuring to hear people in the same boat. Maybe men are just different to us?! It really frustrates me sometimes asthe more aloof he is, the more I become insecure...then he will be more aloof...it's like a spiral. I also go through phases, too, and sometimes I canreally hold it together...but it often feels like an internal battle which I'm not sure a relationship should really be...

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 10:57

I'm really struggling with this at the moment. When I met DP, he was THE most attentive person I'd ever met ever. He'd send me love letters, text all day, call... He'd plan amazingly thoughtful dates and it was incredible. Things naturally calmed down after a while but he'd still stay in touch a lot.

We're engaged now and just moved in together for the first time... And I hate it! He NEVER texts, rarely replies if I do. He rarely says ILY, never grabs me for a spontaneous cuddle, rarely initiates sex. :( I'd understand if we'd been married 10 years but we only moved in together 4 months ago. I've been divorced and I'm seriously wondering WTF it is I do that kills men's affection for me!

I've tried talking about it but he says everything's fine AND even mentioned (nicely, this was a passing observation and not anything horrible) once that it's funny how when we met, he was the one wanting more time/attention from me but now it's switched around. YIKES.

What can I do?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:01

I know what I'd tell someone else to do, but it's really hard to do it myself! It's like the worse things get, the less inclined I am to see my friends, plan fun stuff for me, hit the gym, lighten up, pamper myself or develop more solo passions. I just want to mope about looking awful, go back to bed and feel depressed, or let things build up into a row. Why is that the natural reaction when it's such a destructive one??

I really REALLY need to sort this out. I really don't like myself at the moment and it's an awful spiral.

tuesdaydays1 · 03/03/2015 11:04

That sounds so similar whatsgoingon. My DP tells me nothing is wrong and that he cares etc etc. But it just feels like he says the words to make me feel better, without the meaning they used to have when we started seeing one another.

The thing that annoys me is that I am still the samae way towards him as when we met! I am obviously a little more relaxed and if i dont want sex etc then I will just be blunt and stuff..but essentially I still plan dates, organise surprises for him, look forward to seeing him and send him loving texts. So why not the same from him if he loves me as he says he does.

confused.

OP posts:
tuesdaydays1 · 03/03/2015 11:06

Yes, whatsgoingon I feel the same! I feel so down that I don't feel like meeting friends etc. and it's horrible. if I was happier I would be doing those things..but then like you say, it's a spiral.

I know people who have successful relatioships, though, and still manage to retain complete hapiness independence from their OH. HOW?!

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:08

I think we're codependents. :(

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:10

Oh but listen, let's fix this. It's a bunch of ARSE that we are sitting here feeling bad about ourselves just because of a couple of sodding BLOKES. No more!! NO MORE.

Let's supprt each other into feeling so freaking AMAZING about ourselves that we don't give TWO SHITS whether or not our bloody boyfriends have texted that day if not. Seriously - life is too short!

Are you in?

tuesdaydays1 · 03/03/2015 11:14

pm'd you. :)

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:15

Awesome!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:16

I haven't had a PM..? No message from you, no message from DP - why, God? WHHHYYYYYYYYY???

yougotafriend · 03/03/2015 11:17

Well I can comment from the opposite perspective. My H was so insecure and needy it (amongst other unacceptable behaviour) eventually killed our relationship.

I firmly believe that the healthiest relationships are those were 2 independent people choose to be together, if either party feels they need the other, the dynamics are all wrong.

I would advise all of you ladies to work on your own issues, value yourselves for who you are and feel secure within your own skins.

tuesdaydays1 · 03/03/2015 11:18

it isn't sending! try sending me one :)

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:19

I do have books on this, like Why Men Love Bitches and The Rules. I can re-read them to boost my feisty spirit. But living with DP, the LAST thing I want him to see me doing is plotting over relationship books in the bath, trying to make him keen on me again! It's so counter-priductive. I'd be better off reading a book on how to write a bestselling novel, or fly a plane, or something else sexy and glam.

Really, I need to go out every night of the week and only come home on Sunday afternoons to change my pants before going off for a 6-hour trek with a local explorers club or something... But I can't be arsed...

tuesdaydays1 · 03/03/2015 11:20

yougotafriend why was it so unattractive for you? i think i would feel happy if my DP was a little more like your ex. can you explain the ways in which it made you feel you didnt want your ex? do you ever feel that if you really, really loved him, you would like that kind of beahviour?

Thanks for your response :)

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:22

Tuesday, we know ourselves that neediness is unattractive. Look at us as examples! When our DPs were all over us, we didn't post on MN about them, did we? But as soon as theyve cooled off, we're here, thinking and talking about it non-stop.

Distance is SEXY.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:23

I sent you a PM. I really don't like how you've made me chase you like that. I'm trying to be more elusive! ;)

yougotafriend · 03/03/2015 11:35

I felt smothered... We were together 23 yrs, in the beginning obv we were both more "gushy" but that naturally fades (surely). He would want me in the same room as him, even if he was watching something on TV I wasn't interested in, he would take offence if I went off to do/watch something else (even chores).

If I wanted to go shopping at the weekend or go for lunch with DM he'd say "I'll come" there is no way of saying I don't want you there without sounding horrible so he'd come but I'd resent him being there.

I felt I showed him I loved him in 100s of ways by looking after him, cooking him nice meals etc but unless I wanted to do all the soppy lovey dovey stuff, he would say you never show me you love me.

We have 2 DC so when you work, look after a house & kids it just felt like another chore having to appease his insecurities.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/03/2015 11:47

That sounds like you just didn't love him, yougotafriend.

Joysmum · 03/03/2015 12:29

It doesn't to me. I think it's healthy to have a life outside of the marriage and not to spend every waking hour together.

DH have been going through a closer period since his dad died last year, but it's been too close at times and you go through the stage of feeling like you're the one with the problem because you need space to be a different side to you.

Luckily in my case I know it's not all the time, DH is slowly coming to terms with having lost both his parents by the age of 40 which eases things and his work takes him away too.

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MaybeDoctor · 03/03/2015 12:48

I suspect that inevitably there is always going to be one person who 'wants' the other more. Relationships change over time and I imagine that they rarely work out entirely reciprocal.

The things suggested in books like 'Why men love bitches' do work to switch on a man's interest. It is basic psychology and I have used them at times - with success. But it is impossible to keep that up all the time - even Ann Boleyn only managed it for a couple of years before Henry lost interest...

Fundamentally you have to be enough for yourself and the power lies in having a strong self-esteem.

yougotafriend · 03/03/2015 13:08

WhatsGoingOnEh I didn't love him in the end - hence us having split up but for many many years I did love him very much and could not imagine us not being together, even in those periods I found his neediness slightly suffocating.

VanitasVanitatum · 03/03/2015 13:26

whatsgoingonEh if you think that sounds like she doesn't love him maybe it's not entirely your partner's behaviour that's the issue? In the nicest possible way, what yougot said sounded entirely normal. If my DP is watching something uninteresting to me I will go and have a bath. I adore him, but I don't need to be in the same room with him all the time.

I think if you know your partner loves you, being happy being apart sometimes is perfectly normal.

OP I wouldn't be happy in your situation. Sounds like your DP is a bit of an arse. Are you sure he's the one?

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