Recognizing abuse in myself

[TheShockingTruth]

I have been reading a thread on here, this isn't atat (I hope).

I think I show patterns of emotional abuse towards my kids and my dp. And I'm mortified. I rage at things that aren't worth raging about, in hindsight. Especially kids getting dressed, or dp not washing up after kids when I've been working all weekend the house is a state and it drives me mad as I try so hard to keep it together during the week and I have to catch up for first few days of the week because nothing is done.

Towards dp I become sulky and annoyed and show it passive aggressively and it makes it uncomfortable between us. He will get annoyed with me and say that it's hard for him to cope with kids and house, then I feel bad and apologize and then the same thing happens next week. I never lose my temper with him or call him names but with hindsight I'm aware perhaps my words have made him feel shit and that breaks my heart a little, but I cannot help feeling annoyed I'm the only one doing things around the house we both work long hours, why does it fall to me? But making him feel like shit about it, according to the website I was reading is emotional abuse. So this means I'm abusing him?? sad

Towards kids not getting dressed I can really rage, never called them names or hit them ever, but I can really lose my temper and go to a bad place. Not all the time but it has happened more than a few times. I go to my bedroom and just have to calm myself down because I'm so angry I don't know what to do. I will shout things like I've asked you 3-4 times to get dressed why haven't you? Cringey things. My dd 7 has named these rages 'monster mummy' (cringe (mortifying) more). I am usually ok and have a laid back approach but sometimes I'm not sure what the trigger is I just get really annoyed when I have asked them to do things and they need to be asked 1000 times! But this is blaming others for my mood, right? Is this a cycle of abuse?

I hate myself for it, I went to the doctors (I have GAD). And they prescribed me some meds when they ran out I never went back. I feel like I don't want to take tablets to make me feel calmer I should be able to control it myself, just read that back and realize how stupid that sounds!

So I was reading this thread and the penny dropped shit this is me and I'm just absolutely gutted that I'm an abuser an evil horrible human. And now I don't know what to do, do I leave (this is the worst thing I could ever think about but if I'm making everyone miserable maybe I should)? Do I try to make things better. But when I get like this I feel I cannot control it. It doesn't happen often and I remember my dad being the same and he is actually a wonderful dad but maybe once or twice a year he would just lose the plot and we just stayed out of his way until he was done and then things were normal again. I was never scared of him, I knew he wouldn't hurt me or my dsis or mum but it was like every so often he just couldn't handle life.

Listening to others talking about the abuser as they are calculated and controlling makes me sick to my stomach, is this me? I don't think anything through I just lose it. I have bad bouts of punishing myself for being so shit at everything and not being able to cope with things that most people can cope with.

so am I behaving in a typical abusive way? And what do I do about it? sad

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your behaviour is poor and aspects of it are abusive. You sound as though you are behaving this way because you don't feel in control and you don't have any better techniques than being unpleasant and aggressive. You don't, however, come across as malicious or calculating.... more desperate if anything. That's important. It's also significant that you apologise. Most abusive people don't.

It's encouraging that you acknowledge there's a problem and that you want to change your behaviour. Are you angry more generally? Do you lose your temper with strangers? Do you feel inadequate in situations or find it hard to express yourself? You probably need outside help to deal with this. Could be some kind of anger management process, help with parenting techniques, conflict resolution.

[theendoftheendoftheend]

I don't know what the answer is, but i have wondered this about myself before so will be watching this thread with interest

[bearleftmonkeyright]

I also recognise myself here. I am trying hard to overcome it. The big big thing that helps is making sure the dc have clear and direct instructions as to what they need to be doing in the morning and ensuring I know exactly where ever thing is. But I have raged, I have sulked and I have wondered myself the things you are thinking about my own behaviour. I shall also watch this thread.

[KellyElly]

Er, I don't think what you're describing sounds abusive at all. It just sounds like you're pissed off and very stressed out. Sure you could handle things in a more measured as opposed to a shouty way, but I think many many people are guilty of this. You could maybe do with a bit of anger management as you do sound like you get yourself really worked up, or stress relief - meditation or something like that.

[KellyElly]

so am I behaving in a typical abusive way? And the answer to that is no. This is coming from someone who had an abusive mother and has been in an EA relationship.

[Hathall]

I don't think it's abusive to shout 'I've asked you 3-4 times to get dressed. Why haven't you?'
That sounds like most mums to me!

You could probably do without sulking and passive aggressive behaviour though.

You just sound like you have a lot going on and things are wearing you down.

Maybe allocate chores to everyone so you're not the one dealing with everything.

[TheShockingTruth]

I would like some help/therapy/anger management. But I not sure where to start. I would really like some help with controlling unhelpful thoughts, as I feel I have a constant commentary in my head of how bloody awful I am at every aspect of my life. I think for others as in 'she doesn't like me because she didn't say hello to me' or 'my manager thinks I'm rubbish and wants to get rid of me' but I have no facts to base these thoughts, they are there all the time.

But in RL I act happy and stable and people often turn to me for support. And then I go and do the shitest thing ever of letting it all come out at home.

I feel tired all the time I work nights and do anything from 3-5 12 hour nights a week. And very little sleep between school runs. This is the only option we have as we cannot afford child care.

So I'm always battling against being tired and feeling like I am trying to remember everything for the kids and do every chore in the house and despite my hard work the house is mess most of the time. Washing is always waiting to be washed or waiting to be put away. I have a child who I think has special educational needs but school won't do anything until she is 8, and it worrys me and I feel I don't have the fight in me that she needs. I feel a constantly failure. And on top of all this I'm being a total twat to my closest most lovely people.

[KellyElly]

Well you are frazzled, but not abusive. You and your DP need to sit down and get a strategy together for how the house is going to run - sho does which chores etc and really stick to it. You also need to make sure you get as much sleep as you can, even if you have to resort to taking a 20 minute power nap each day to ensure this happens. Apart from that, it may be worth going to see your GP as a starting point to see what they can suggest, as CBY, anger managment and therapy are very expensive privately and may not be an option for you.

It might be worth looking into getting a yoga/meditation dvd that you can do at home as a starting point to try to learn how to be more centred and relaxed and possibly looking on Amazon for some books that you can get about anger management or dealing with stress. There may be some herbal stuff you can take, I take calms and I used to take rescue remedy as well. Also just things like eating healthily and taking some suppliments such as vitamin D and Omega-3 (high dose of 1500mg) will have some benefit.

Also, be kind to yourself. You have a lot on your place and you are not superwoman! We all crack under pressure. Most importantly you and your DP need to keep talking and communicating your feelings in a non confrontational way, so that you can work together and support each other.

[KellyElly]

*CBT not CBY!

[heylilbunny]

It sounds like sleep deprivation is a factor here, I think you can be running on a very short fuse and have less ability to endure minor irritations. All the negative thinking can also be due to sleep deprivation and exhaustion. You obviously should not be taking your anger out on others but you sound overwhelmed. It's classic to be the giver and stoic friend who everyone turns to and then you have nothing left for your family. Your need various stress relievers but the biggest is sleep, rest and more help. Are you able to confide in anyone in real life? Your dad was obviously not the greatest role model for managing stress.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

They way your life is set up sounds acutely stressful. You are not an evil, horrible human being, you are a human being under acute stress.

I'm sorry your self-esteem is low because that negative commentary you mention will be having a big impact on everything. If you don't like yourself very much, you're going to struggle to assert yourself effectively. If you have no confidence and don't assert yourself, others aren't going to take you seriously and you will be put upon and used. That includes your partner, your children, people at work etc. If you're chronically fatigued on top and end up losing your temper, it's not acceptable behaviour but it is understandable.

This is the point where you have to work out what you can change and what you can't. Your daily schedule, for example, is killing you. Working all night and getting no sleep is something you can change. So I would suggest you go see your GP, tell them what's happening and get signed off sick for a week. Get some sleep, eat properly, take any recommended medication, ask about therapy and find some calm. Then, when you feel a little better, talk to your DP about how you reorganise domestic things so that a) you are not everyone's skivvy and b) you get enough sleep to be able to function.

Start there....

[pocketsaviour]

I think the important thing is that you realise your level of anger is out of proportion and it seems you feel unable to express it in a healthy way.

When you were on tablets before, were you calmer then? If so - get back on them. You don't have to be on them forever, but if they make you feel better in the meantime, take them while you explore other options that will help you feel calmer and more controlled in yourself.

I second Kelly that CBT is the way to go and your GP should be able to refer you on the NHS.

[Jan45]

Abusive, no you sound worn out with a partner who does nothing to help even though he knows the cause of it!

[Jan45]

*I never lose my temper with him or call him names but with hindsight I'm aware perhaps my words have made him feel shit and that breaks my heart a little, but I cannot help feeling annoyed I'm the only one doing things around the house we both work long hours, why does it fall to me? But making him feel like shit about it, according to the website I was reading is emotional abuse. So this means I'm abusing him?? sad
*

If he felt that bad then he'd help you out not continue to punish you and make you feel crap.

You are being far too HARD on yourself.

[Stoneflower]

Op I've NC for this.

I understand what your feeling. I've been like this my whole life with partners and my dd1. I'm just about to start therapy for some child hood issues which I think my anger and PA behaviour comes from. I can be very controlling at times and when I look back I feel really sorry for the person I've subjected it to.

Go and see your GP . The fact that you can see this means your not bad and on the right track

[TheShockingTruth]

Stone flower I also NC. I hope the therapy helps you, it's great you are seeking help, I wish you all the best with it.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I feel I really have food for thought and will read them all again to properly digest it all and I will try to go back to Gp. Thanks again.

[magoria]

I agree with the others you are not being abusive.

You are doing more than your share with a partner who makes you feel bad for wanting him to do his equal share. That is not abusive it is fed up and feeling like a servant.

Who doesn't shout after being ignored 3/4 times?

You go off to the bedroom to cool/calm down. That shows you are far from abusive.

Your H especially and DC need to step up. No idea how you get them to do it though.

Stop making it nice and tidy for them at the weekend. They don't appreciate what you do. Stop doing it.