Ideas to help me get out of my depressed rut / things which make you happier - SORRY THIS HAS TURNED INTO AN ESSAY

[wondering2]

Hi all

Have just posted this thread about the lack of affection from my h.

Have realised that something has to change as I feel completely ineffectual and down. If I list the things which stress me out but which I don't feel I can change, I would be very grateful for ideas to help me (and others who might feel equally stuck for whatever reason) on the road to a different, happier and more independent way of thinking!

Disclaimer: I apologise for anything which seems like a first world problem and I am grateful to have a roof over my head!

The things which I am finding difficult are:

1. My uncommunicative and unaffectionate husband (as per above thread).
   

1. The fact that I am not in control of anything money wise - money goes into my account every month but he is the one who juggles everything else and owns the (mortgaged though there is some equity, not sure how much at this point) properties (this makes him sound like some kind of magnate but he really isn't - property is one element to his business and he rents a couple of them out, is developing a third and 2 are sitting there unused and undeveloped for the moment - this is in addition to the house we live in).
   

We have been together for 19 years, 13 of those married, yet everything is in his name which I really don't like (though I do own half of the flat that my sister lives in). H has made all the decisions with regard to the properties. I realise it is his business but this latest decision I think was a bit of a gamble and the proof of it is that he has run out of money to keep on developing it. He keeps on making dire comments about how little money he has which makes me anxious as I don't have a handle on any of the figures if you see what I mean.

The other big thing with regard to his properties is that one of them (a shop with basement) he bought without telling me. I found out about 6 or 7 months later but he lied and said that he was going to buy it but hadn't. About 3 months after (at Christmas) I realised that in fact he HAD bought it. I confronted him and he (defensively) said that he was trying to sell it. I don't think this is true either and he has apparently started doing it up but is very evasive about what he intends to use it for - and never ever talks about it. I only find out he is going there sometimes because I ask him where he is going, not because he says. Maybe it's a glorified man cave?? He occasionally goes there but has never shown it to me and the dc do not even know about it. Yet I have heard him talking to his brother at length about it .

Sorry this is turning into an essay and it was supposed to be bullet points!

Another prong to the property thing is that h has often said he wants to go and live in Spain and apparently blames me for not going there 10 years ago though it was never really on the cards. He knows that I do not want to go there to live (and h is one for daydreaming aloud about lots of stuff). He recently said he might buy himself a cheap hovel and that now is the time to do it (market wise in Spain). That leaves me thinking - what, is he going there by himself and what about me being able to buy myself a cheap hovel somewhere as well??? Or maybe it's him just daydreaming aloud again.

I suppose the crux of the matter is that I feel out of control. We have lived in our current house for 17 years and I would really like a change now, but no change will happen unless h agrees completely and it is something HE wants to do (though of course both would have to be happy with a decision). He holds all the strings so I have to sit tight until something happens in I don't know how many years . Even then he would expect any future family home to be bought in his name only and this makes me really , in a way I would rather not move than move to another property again in h's name . We have three dc and I have been a SAHM (am now trying to get back into work but have confidence / self esteem issues, not that that's an excuse). Though I haven't worked as physically hard as he has, I have given a lot of my life. He does not see it this way and thinks that if I want my own house I should work for it . So what was I doing all this time contributing to our family (and for the 6 years before we had kids when I was working and used my money to buy the food etc...)???

So I feel that I have given a lot in terms of looking after the dc etc... but that it is not recognised in real terms by h. He knows this is the family home, but really he considers everything to be his (and I think he may have bought the latest shop and not told me about it in an effort to hide assets - maybe I am wrong though). So despite being a middle aged adult, I am in the position of a child .

There is no will or insurance and I haven't got a clue what would happen if h were to die or be incapacitated. H does not want to discuss these things and becomes cross and defensive. He is divorced from his first wife who got the family home (while he got a smaller building) which is partly what informs his attitude. He is very mistrustful and pretty cynical.

Anyway, must move on to the positive things. Apologies for the essay if you have read this far!

THINGS I CAN CONTROL WHICH WILL HELP WITH THE FEELINGS OF HELPLESSNESS AND HOPELESSNESS

1. Declutter the house (there are cluttered corners and it is generally full of stuff). Then cleaning will be a lot easier.
   

1. Eat better and do the yoga home sequence I am always meaning to do.
   

1. Go for walks in the park.
   

1. Organise the dcs' bedrooms better and get them to a position where they are more independent and do more for themselves (which they should be doing anyway as they are almost 9, almost 11 and 13).
   

1. Just be more organised in general with paperwork. Finding more activities to take the dc to. More things to do at the weekend so that we don't sit around quite so much.
   

1. Do all the backlog of things that I need to do for myself - like go to the dentist.
   

1. Get myself back into work. Maybe this should have been number 1.
   

Am constantly battling days where I don't feel good enough. I have a qualification as a Teaching Assistant and lots of voluntary experience so am hoping to get work through an agency in the summer term. Still have to approach the agencies though.

1. Organise outings / evenings with friends.
   

What are the tactics that you use if you ever feel down and out of control?

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

Can you do some voluntary work to help build your confidence up - I'm referring to your point #6 about battling days you don't feel good enough.

I was writing lists like this for years, it can be very hard to motivate yourself under these circumstances at home. The only thing that did actually help me was to LTB. I'd been on ADs for years and years during the marriage and within 4 months of leaving the marital home I was off them and have been off them for 10 years.
We didn't have DC though. I'm just telling you this to let you know I kind of understand where you are at the moment.
I'm off to read your other thread.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry but you're not going to feel more in control of the family finances by organising the kids' bedrooms. You're not going to feel you have a say in the property you live in by going to the dentist. You are not going to get joint ownership of family assets by doing yoga. I asked on your other thread if the lack of affection was mirrored elsewhere in the relationship with selfish or controlling behaviour and I think I've hit a nerve.

I think you're avoiding the elephant in the room.

[payuktaxrichardbranson]

Well re feeling down and tackling clutter I try and go for a walk every day and throw something out every day.
But I think you've got bigger problems than that. I think I'd start making a list of your husband's assets and planning to leave. Sorry your problems seem huge.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you feel out of control because a) you are being controlled and b) you believe you are trapped and have no alternatives.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I agree that your current problems with your DH won't be solved by yoga and a scale and polish.

However, I'm also up for a self-improvement project, and I've been feeling a bit needy/fugly Kate,y. Do if you want someone to do this with you, I'm in. :)

Ultimately, working on yourself MIGHT give you the confidence to start tackling the real issues underneath all this. But more likely, you'll find the confidence to do all this AFTER you've LTB. I did. I LTB (well, my B actually LM in the end) and immediately felt like myself again. It's a feeling you can't get from organising the kids' bedrooms. BUT if you want anyone to cone along for the ride, I'm here. :)

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I don't think it matters that things are in his sole name, if you're married. Marriage effectively puts everything into joint names. But you'd need to check with a solicitor to be sure.

Why don't you leave? Do you still love him?

[wondering2]

Hi

Thanks. Am reading all your messages. Will respond in a bit, have to get my head together!

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

"Ultimately, working on yourself MIGHT give you the confidence to start tackling the real issues underneath all this. But more likely, you'll find the confidence to do all this AFTER you've LTB. I did. I LTB (well, my B actually LM in the end) and immediately felt like myself again. It's a feeling you can't get from organising the kids' bedrooms."

Agree.

[wondering2]

Have had time to process things .

I don't know if I still love him. Sometimes I do yes. He feels very familiar and I cannot imagine being physical with anybody else. On the other hand, he is not an easy person and who knows how amazing it might be to be with someone whom I could talk to more easily. I don't know though, I guess after 19 years everyone has baggage and stored resentment?

I don't like him when he behaves like an arse or in any other unpleasant way. There must be some similarity which brought us together, but we are very different in our need for contact I think. H does have a couple of friends he talks to but mainly he is very insular. He is very stubborn and driven and not prone to compromise.

WhatsGoingOn - yes I'll go for the joint self-improvement. What would you would like to achieve / do / change?

I know that things like being super organised will not get to the crux of the issue, but I hope to feel more empowered so that I can make any decision I have to make at a later stage. At the moment I feel like I am swimming in chaos. I would also like to be more emotionally detached from h.

I think that if we didn't have dc splitting would mean I could go back to the more empowered me (who is able to make choices that are in line with what I need) pretty quickly, but the fact that we have dc makes it much harder (sorry, am stating the obvious!). I suppose I also feel pretty comfortable -passive-. It's quite cosy all in the living room together etc.. The really overt minding about the lack of affection comes and goes, not sure why. Like now that I have offloaded here and that h is away until Friday I think, I won't feel as down about it...

[slightlybonkers]

He does sound really controlling. His belittling of you regarding which of you works physically hardest is moronic. You are bringing up his kids and he won't put your name on the deeds of the family home or any other house. This is a subtle dig to "keep you in your place". The threatening to decamp to Spain sounds like another tactic to mess with your head. Reach out to somebody in real life to talk about the situation. Does he give you enough money or are you scraping by?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"The really overt minding about the lack of affection comes and goes, not sure why. "

Rationalisation and avoidance. All your posts are full of it. You vacillate between it being so bad that you're crying on the one hand, then rationalising why it's not so bad and you're all cosy in the living room together on the other. Avoidance has merit in certain situations, but you can only suppress feelings for so long before the upset and resentment bubbles up to the surface, often in a very acute way. So it's not a long term strategy even if you try to divert your attention with MN threads, yoga and dental appointments.

And then there's motivation.... Just now you use the phrase 'hope to feel more empowered'. IME waiting to get in the right mindset before you get on and do something can mean months and years go by and nothing changes. 'Hope' may spring eternal but it can also keep you stuck in a bad situation. False optimism is another time-waster.

You're already empowered to do anything you like. The only permission you need is your own.

[wondering2]

Yes I have enough money slightly - between what I get from h and what my Dad gives me (if my Dad didn't give me the gifts that he sometimes does there would be no extra cash for any kind of activity but it would be ok if I budgeted strictly bar something happening like having to pay for ds's fillings as I am at the moment). I have no borrowing power or anything like that but I have more access to cash on a day to day basis than he does in a sense, because a lot of the money he gets is tied up in having to pay wages etc.. I pay for food and anything connected to the children but h has the burden of everything else - bills, mortgage etc.. I don't like being in this childish position however. Anyway, sorry, am repeating myself.

You're already empowered to do anything you like. The only permission you need is your own. Thank you for this cogito. And for all your thoughtful messages.

[LadyB49]

wondering ..... Having to pay for ds's fillings..... do children not get free dental treatment ??

[wondering2]

Yes but these are in his adult teeth so I am paying for white ones - the silver ones would be free. It's such a racket - the white filling is free if the cavity is superficial. If it's a little bit deeper it's £60 a pop . For a tiny bit of white paste. I was worried it was my surgery ripping me off but that's apparently the going rate round these parts. Even more of an incentive for the dc to brush their teeth!

[SensationalGirl]

Empowerment comes in small actions. Google or get legal advice about the things you want to know about.