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Relationships

Don't know what to do, but need to change something now

27 replies

Siennasun · 28/02/2015 20:57

Sorry if this is long.
I work as a therapist in the NHS. Since returning to work after mat leave I've been finding it increasingly stressful. My role changed a lot, all for the worse, I also had a long commute that made childcare very hard to manage.
Last autumn I decided I couldn't manage anymore, even though I was part time, and applied for a couple of jobs related to what I do but outside my current profession. They would have been much less stressful, less hours and close to home but paid quite a bit less than I get now. DH talked me out of going to the interviews so I ended up taking a full time therapy job closer to home, which I started at the beginning of the year.
I hate the job. I feel sick at the though of it. I'm not sleeping and have lost my appetite. I miss DS and the fun stuff we used to do together in the week. We don't need the extra money. We would be able to pay all the bills if I didn't work at all.
Last week was especially difficult at work, I was very ill, too ill to be in work really but I just couldn't call in sick, and I was on my own Tuesday- Thursday as DH was working away.
I said all of this to him at dinner yesterday and that I'm going to try to stick it out till August but if it's not better by then I'm going to leave even if I don't have another job to go to because it's making me ill. He said I can't leave unless I've got another job to go to and that I'm being irresponsible.
Then I started crying. I don't cry very often, and never in front of DS. DH got really angry and asked what was wrong with me and then I totally lost the plot. I'm not sure what happened, one minute I was at dinner table next minute I was sitting crying in the kitchen floor, and DHs drink was knocked over, DS was crying, DH was fuming. The rest of last night is really hazy. I feel so guilty - one of my earliest memories is being scared because my mum wouldn't stop crying and I don't want that for my little boy. DH and I have spent the day with DS trying to pretend that everything is normal and ok but it's not. I think I might be having some kind of breakdown. I keep crying. My head feels tight and wrong. I'm failing in every area of my life and I really don't know what to do next. DH today said maybe I should call in sick to work with stress but I don't see how I can when Im only a few weeks out of the induction.
If anyone has any advise I would be greatful, but please don't be too harsh. I'm already very sad Sad

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 28/02/2015 21:19

I know you are a therapist but have you saw a doctor and asked for some help? You must spend your life listening to other peoples problems which I am sure is very draining

Were you this unhappy when you were off or is it just since you went back to work?

WildFlowerWoman · 28/02/2015 21:37

When did you have your last baby? You say you returned to work after maternity leave, is there any chance you could be suffering from PND?

I agree with Christina, you need to talk to your doctor and get some help. I had PND by the way and it does go away. Sometimes it goes away by itself and other times you need help. If you do think you might have PND, don't deny it any longer. Stay strong and come back to us to let us know how you get on.

Siennasun · 28/02/2015 21:48

Thanks for your kind replies. I don't think it is PND. DS is 2.5. I was really, really happy when I was on mat leave. Ive been getting gradually more unhappy over the last 18 months since I've been back at work. I hate my job so much that I've thought about injuring myself so I could get some time at home with DS. If I could quit I think I'd be ok again, but I can't risk being unemployed, especially as my marriage is on rocky ground.
I haven't been to GP. I'm quite wary of admitting all this in real life, tho I'm not sure exactly why.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 28/02/2015 22:00

Is your marriage on rocky ground because you want to give up work or other reasons?

Could you go part time?

WildFlowerWoman · 28/02/2015 22:05

Nobody wants to admit that they are stressed out or that their marriage is on rocky ground, but sometimes we have to in order to heal ourselves and move forward. PND or not, it sounds as if you haven't been feeling yourself for some time. This too will pass, but you might need some help and support to get better. Talk to a friend, family member, or better still your GP. If you need to take time off work then take time off work. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your health is important and you need to take the necessary steps to get better. Hang on in there, you will get there, but as you have said yourself, something needs to change, and it needs to change now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 22:06

I think you should talk to your GP. Working and raising a family at the same time presents challenges but you don't appear to be coping to put it mildly. The incident at the table is unclear. Are you saying you think you were knocked to the floor? Did you faint?

Shrivelleddate · 28/02/2015 22:06

Hi fellow NHS therapist here (OT in mental health)!
Wow, I think you need to get some help with stress at work & home. Our OH dept does 6 free counselling sessions, what about yours? Maybe go see your GP too.
Your husband sounds unsupportive, does he understand the level of your stress?
Going 4 days a week changed my life! Maybe consider part time. X

MitchellGirl · 28/02/2015 22:09

Your DH sounds like an unsupportive tosser.

You need some help and support OP and its certainly not coming from your DH. Do you have people in RL you can talk to?

Keep posting.

bayrans · 28/02/2015 22:11

Your husband seems to be integral in this.... Talked you out of interviews and accusing you of being irresponsible despite you saying that you don't really need to work.
Are there underlying relationship issues?

friendofsadgirl · 28/02/2015 22:12

You really don't want to work full time or in this job, do you?
I think you should explore the options you were looking at before and explain to DH that you are absolutely miserable and stressed out working full-time in your current role. Tell him how much you miss your DS and that you want to spend more time with him while he's so little.
If he tries to talk you out of it, ask him why? Does he have a valid reason for wanting you to stay in this job?

Shrivelleddate · 28/02/2015 22:15

Ps being ill with stress/anxiety/depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I spent the first three years of my career shaking like a leaf and wanting to blow my brains out with a shotgun daily (daily commute dark depressive fantasy). I regularly vomited before work and at work.
You need to deal with this or you'll risk becoming more unwell.
A low dose of antidepressant, exercise, relaxation, a smidge of alcohol, occasional counselling and the freedom to do what the f*ck I like all contributes to keep me sane.

Go see someone - write it down

friendofsadgirl · 28/02/2015 22:19

P.S. my DH gets angry if I cry too. I think he just has no idea how to help and that frustrates him. Your DH may have just panicked and made stupid demands. Go back when you're both calm and lay it all out again. If he still says the same he's an idiot but maybe he'll have thought it through this time.

Siennasun · 28/02/2015 22:29

No, it was me. I flipped out and knocked the drink off the table, though I don't know exactly how it happened.
I think being part-time would help a lot but it's not an option in this role. It may be possible to change roles and reduce my hours but I've not even had my first appraisal in this department yet. I didn't get a lot of support in my last job, so not optimistic about it being very different here.
I'm not sure if he understands the level of my stress. He said sorry this morning for being unsupportive yesterday but he's gone out tonight and is going out again tomorrow morning, because it was "already arranged".
I hadn't thought about OH. I'll find out if ours have a similar counselling offer. Thanks.

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 28/02/2015 22:59

Sit down and talk to dh, he needs to support you right now

I would still go and speak to your doctor and then look for part time, I know you haven't been in the job long, but it really isn't worth it if you are so miserable

PeppermintCrayon · 01/03/2015 02:37

Okay. You need to think about your clients and then yourself, in that order. You aren't clear about what you mean by 'therapist' but if you are a psychotherapist then it sounds like you are not currently fit to practise.

How can you be an effective therapist if you hate your job? You must realise you have a duty not to practise when you are knowingly unfit to do so. Do you have supervision? Are you being honest with your supervisor about how you feel right now? Don't you think your clients deserve better than a therapist who hates coming to work and is just sticking it out because their husband says they have to but plans to leave as soon as they can? You need, at the very least, to be signed off.

I am also seriously concerned that you are a practising therapist and are presumably trained yet lack the resources to practise appropriate self-care, to recognise that you are should not be working or to seek appropriate help - why do you not have a supervisor who is in the loop? You are failing in your duty of care right now. Sorry if this sounds harsh but as a therapist you can't fuck about like this and you should know that wanting to call in sick means you need to sort this NOW.

You are in danger of doing harm to your clients. The right thing to do is not to just pull a sickie but to address this properly and responsibly. If you cannot cope with the job speak to your supervisor. If you are unwell go to your GP.

You also need to take care of yourself but others have covered that.

I really hope you are not a psychotherapist, it's hard to tell from your post.

PeppermintCrayon · 01/03/2015 02:39

PS just to be clear: being stressed is nothing to be ashamed of as others have said.

But you have a duty of care and a responsibility not to practise while unfit.

blueberrypie0112 · 01/03/2015 03:39

Quit your job, and find another. my sister did. She worked in a medical field (which paid well) and she always felt sick even just thinking about going to work. I guess she felt burn out

blueberrypie0112 · 01/03/2015 03:41

And i guess you miss how happy you were on maternity leave to get away from work. And going back made you hate it even more.

Siennasun · 01/03/2015 08:58

I am not a psychotherapist or anything remotely similar to that. I'm not failing in my duty of care to any of my clients or in danger of doing harm to any of them. Based on my personal knowledge of friends and colleagues in these roles, if everyone who hated their jobs declared themself unfit to practice the NHS would be losing at least half its therapists.

To everyone else who has made helpful comments relevant to my situation, thank you so much. It has made a difference just to be have some support from somewhere and to know that I'm not being a drama queen and that it's not ok to carry on like this. I feel a bit better this morning. I can relate to the daily commute dark depressive fantasy Grin but I'm 5years into my career now so maybe time to rethink and do something else altogether.

OP posts:
PeppermintCrayon · 01/03/2015 09:00

Sorry, you said you were a therapist and didn't correct the person who said you listened to people's problems so it appeared you were a psychotherapist. Had you been one, you would be unfit.

clearingaspaceforthecat · 01/03/2015 09:06

No PeppermintCrayon, Whatever kind of therapist the OP is, she needs to think of HERSELF first and foremost. And your post is harsh and unhelpful.

I am glad you are feeling a bit better this morning OP.

Siennasun · 01/03/2015 09:14

Sorry I didn't be specific about what my exact job is. I didn't realise certain therapists are not entitled to need or ask for support. Sad
Glad to hear you think I'm not unfit to do my job.

OP posts:

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littleleftie · 01/03/2015 09:18

OP I am struck by how you keep saying your DH told you what you can and cannot do. Clearly he is the Boss of You and All You Do?

When my DH was near breaking point over his job, I supported him to make a change, even though it meant me doing extra hours to cover the loss. I am not a saint, it's just what spouses do, support each other.

You say there are few financial implications to you working part time so what exactly does DH have against this? Is he this controlling about everything or does he have more worries about finances than you do?

I would sit him down and explain that your job is making you very ill and you will be changing it to a part time role like the ones he wouldn't support you interviewing for before as soon as possible.

I reckon as soon as you have made your decision you will feel better.

Good luck. Thanks

Shrivelleddate · 01/03/2015 09:26

Just chip in after the harsh drama poster.....therapists are people too whether we are talking psychotherapist, OTs,PTs or whatever.
I think I was actually better at my job when I was stressed & anxious, I gave 120% it just wasn't sustainable. Now I'm a 80% kinda girl.
OP you are probably great at your job but stressed, you are still early in your career. You are probably having trouble balancing everything.
Get some decent supervision, say no when you can't do something. Go part time! Saved my life!!!

pleasingshape · 01/03/2015 09:35

My husband supported me when I left a job I hated without one to go to. Money was a little bit tight for a while, but he would never have told me that I have to do something. Likewise, he was offered job he didn't like as much as the one he has now, but it was a lot more money. I would never think of pressuring him to take it.

He sounds very unsupportive. I think that is more of a worry than the job, which of course you should leave as soon as possible. I think you will feel a weight lift from you as soon as the resignation is in.

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