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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Advice please

27 replies

Kezzie89 · 27/02/2015 23:14

Me and my partner have been through some rocky patches past year or so but started to sort things out. We both decided to try for our second baby recently and I'm now pregnant. I was delighted but he didn't seem as keen and laughed when I told him. He is like jekyl and Hyde can be really nice to me then he just changes and is very cold. Sits in a different room to watch TV, barley chats to me. If I disagree on anything with him even the smallest thing he will go in a bad mood and give me the silent treatment. I just want us to be happy and things to work but he really makes it difficult. I have been suffering bad sickness with the pregnancy and not been able to do much with my son so I was waiting for him to come back from training today so he could take our son out. He basically came home and went to bed didn't even speak to me! Thanks for any advice much appreciated k x

OP posts:

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bunchoffives · 27/02/2015 23:45

Well that sounds crap.

Why do you want another baby with such a selfish inconsiderate partner?

Do you really want to live with him blowing hot and cold? Do you ever react or can he behave however he likes and you'll put up with it?

What do you want advice on? The fastest way to get him out of your life?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 05:58

His behaviour is poor. Sulking and silent trearment - the Jekyll and Hyde thing - creates tension. If he's in the habit of doing it, his intention will be to make you feel anxious, unsure and therefore eager to make things better again. It's a control technique and it's a former of bullying.

Suggest you ignore the sulking completely in the short term. Don't try to jolly him out of it & don't tiptoe around him. Get on with your life normally and show that you are unaffected by his behaviour. When this episode ends - which it will - that's the point to get tough.

Kezzie89 · 28/02/2015 07:14

Thank you, il try to ignore him more I just don't understand why we have to play these stupid mind games. Bunchoffives- it may seem to you that it's simple to just walk away and I have that's why we split before but he would not leave me alone begged us to be back togther and that he had changed which he did for a bit and it was great I took my time with him and then thats why we tried for a baby. It just seems now that's happened he has gone back to the none sense! I love him so it's hard to just leave, as crazy as it seems! We have been togther since we were 18. I do stand up to him but this just causes friction and he manages to turn things around on me and make it my fault. I'm on here for advise on how to try deal with it and see if anyone has similar experiences. I feel I can't talk to family or friends cause they will just get annoyed that I'm with him still. Thanks k x

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/02/2015 07:17

I guess you need to accept that it's always likely to be rocky and he's not likely to change. Then decide if you can live like that for the rest of your life.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/02/2015 07:22

Why do you think that friends and family will be annoyed that you're still with him? That's a very worrying thing to say- they know you and him, and they care about you personally. There'll be good reasons if they genuinely feel that way

Kezzie89 · 28/02/2015 07:27

When we split before they advised that we didn't get back togther, when we did most were happy because I was but if I told them about it again. They would want me to leave him again. Sometimes its nice to get advise from people who don't know either of us so won't judge. If I tell them I would need to be leaving him, if that makes sense. K x

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OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/02/2015 08:14

What do you think their reasons were for advising that?

I think you should absolutely be listening to people who know you, they're not judging (although, as strangers on the internet, that's what you're asking us to do!). However they know a lot more of the detail of the situation than we do, presumably they care about you, and noone wants to see their friend or family member unhappy in an emotionally abusive relationship.

He does not sound pleasant, loving or supportive at all, from the little you've written. You have to accept that this is what the relationship is, this is how he treats you. He is not going to change. You have to decide if this is how you want to live your life, if you want your son growing up thinking this is how men should treat women, if you want to bring another child into this environment as well.

You left him once- he hasn't changed- so, the question is, why are you staying now?

Kezzie89 · 28/02/2015 08:48

I don't know I just find it hard to break away from him we don't have any help with childcare and we both work. We do the childcare ourselfs so work round each other if we split its hard as we need to see each other almost everyday for childcare reasons and he has nowhere else to stay so when looking after my son he needs to stay at the house, it's just hard to get away xxx

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OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/02/2015 08:53

What do you mean by hard to get away?

If there were no practical obstacles- if childcare and housing were solved- would you still want to be in a relationship with him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/02/2015 09:01

It is true splitting up and parenting separately is no picnic and yes, you'd each need to sort out future accommodation but at the moment you are together and still struggling plus all the tension of 'what mood is he in today'?

The coldness and silent treatment seem out of proportion to anything you could have done. You must have felt confident you were past the worst to even consider trying for another baby. If you look back at the rocky patches you thought you'd got past, Kezzie, can you tell us what was at the root of those problems?

Kezzie89 · 28/02/2015 09:10

I don't know anymore if he continues to be cold then no. I would just like it to change but not sure if he can.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 09:12

When you ask why he behaves this way the answer is because he wants to control you. Everything from the nice/nasty routine to the pleading letters promising to be a better person when you split up sounds manipulative, nothing more. Doesn't like you enough to treat you kindly and sees you more as a possession, not a person.

There's no joy with someone like this and, if your friends and family have already cottoned on to him, please listen to them rather than sinking further. There are always choices.

Kezzie89 · 28/02/2015 09:17

It's was jealousy was the issue before he was controlling and very jealous when I would go out with friends ect. I had been accused of cheating constantly, when I never would and he knew that. When we decided that we would give things another go he promised that he trusted me and it would be better and it had been, he really made the effort, fair enough the odd time he would be in a huff but then would quickly snap out of it, but it's just got bad over the last few weeks x

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 09:18

BTW. .... when working out what you want for the future, please consider your child. It isnutterly horrible to grow up in an atmosphere where Mum needs everyone to tiptoe around Dad for fear of him going into a mood..... very damaging

tribpot · 28/02/2015 09:24

So he ramped up the behaviour once you were pregnant and far less likely to leave him? Do you think those two things might be related?

You don't understand the motivation for playing mind games because you're not the one getting a kick out of them. He's controlling. And this is successfully controlling you.

He made a bunch of promises when you got back together but his actions tell a different story. Your family and friends care about you and I think they've got a point.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/02/2015 09:41

I wouldn't have the patience to continually defend myself against made up accusations, it is insulting and demeaning to have to plead innocence. After starting a family you might hope he'd be mature enough to drop the sulks and silences.

If you could go back to your 18 yo self I wonder if you would tell that girl to walk out the first time he got nasty and possessive.

bunchoffives · 28/02/2015 10:31

I'm sorry my post above was a bit short Kezzy, but it does seem to lack logic to stay with someone who treats you so badly and makes you so unhappy, let alone have another baby with them.

I'm sure cogito has it spot on - he is doing all these things as a way of continually keeping you off balance and getting his own way. When he's in a bad mood (or could go into one) which usually ends up pretty much all the time, then you try to avert the bad mood, or get rid of it by doing what he wants basically. His needs always come first and you end up very ground down and miserable.

Read up about emotional abuse. Buy the Lundy Bancroft book, 'Why Does He Do That?' Once you can see what his methods are you will see him for what he is and your emotions will follow.

Kezzie89 · 28/02/2015 10:32

Yeah it may be related. I just confronted him and he says its me that's cold and it's my fault just because I'm more emotional because I'm pregnant. I know it sounds silly but it makes me doubt myself that I'm causing it all.

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OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/02/2015 10:36

Just think about it logically, Kezzie. How can his behaviour be your fault? He is a grown adult in control of himself, is he not? He is choosing to behave this way.

Lweji · 28/02/2015 10:43

Always beware of someone who doesn't accept any blame.

Surely it was not you if he came home and just went to bed without talking to you.

If you are concerned about your relationship the natural thing would be to talk with you and make suggestions about how to make it better. He isn't because this is how he wants it to be.

tribpot · 28/02/2015 10:58

You're both cold and emotional? How's that, then?

He's just throwing out accusations to keep you off balance. Just as randomly stopping talking to you is to designed to hurt you and keep you off balance.

oldgrandmama · 28/02/2015 11:04

If you were my daughter, or granddaughter, OP, I would be extremely anxious about you and yes, I'd be absolutely delighted if you got out of the relationship.

I can't see that the man is going to improve. Sorry. He sounds, frankly, awful. And you can accept a future for you and two children with him? Just think what his horrible attitude is going to do to them, even if you are prepared to put up and shut up.

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bunchoffives · 28/02/2015 11:46

Wise words oldgrandmama

Just think Kezzy, your dc will grow up thinking his method of throwing moods to put you in the wrong, is the way to conduct a relationship.

They will either choose a partner that is familiar to them (like your dp) or be like your dp themselves.

daisychain01 · 28/02/2015 12:37

Kezzie I hope this sounds supportive rather than harsh, but it seems you are wanting to validate your reason for staying with your partner by asking MNers to tell you something different to what the people who know and care about you have already said. They are telling you the truth but you aren't yet at the point to accept it.

Your partner is not good for you, he sounds awful to live with and you are having to constantly mitigate against all the manipulative crap he is throwing at you. We can't give you a magic wand to make him behave better but we can advise you to listen to your family and friends on this one.

He has already managed to drive you away, then regain your trust, only to be destroying it again. It's his power game.

Only you can decide whether you are prepared to live your life like this, and have your DC grow up seeing his behaviour as the norm.

springydaffs · 28/02/2015 19:23

Why don't you get on the Freedom Programme? If you're going in the UK there will be a course/s near you.
Because he's an abuser. Classic signs. You'll get the strength and courage/info to leave him for good at the FP. If you want to.

If you can't do it for you, p-l-e-a-s-e do it for your kids xx

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