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Relationships

What is your relationship like day-to-day?

61 replies

catlady1 · 27/02/2015 22:44

Especially interested if you have young children (bonus points if Dp is not their father).

Just wanting to get some perspective. I have been with DP a year, I have a 2 year old. I spend most days seething with resentment (only a slight exaggeration). DP stays in bed well into the afternoon when he is not at work (he is working through an agency at the moment so lots of temporary jobs) and goes out every night to his friend's house, often coming home stoned in the early hours. Meanwhile I'm getting up with DD on my own, taking care of the house, going to work in the afternoon, and coming home to an empty house.

I don't expect him to do anything for my daughter, and they get along well. He's not always out all night, sometimes he will come home so we can eat together. We rarely go out together, we rarely have sex (I have been guilty of making quite a big deal of the latter; he says he "can't he arsed.") He will do small bits of housework if I ask him to, such as the vacuuming or dishes, but feels he shouldnt have to clean up after me and DD. Generally refuses to touch the washing, doesnt dust, has never cleaned the bathroom.

When he is working he will eat and go straight to bed, understandably. At the weekend he generally stays in bed late, gets up to eat, sometimes we'll go shopping or something. Then he goes back to bed for a few hours, while I feed DD and get her bathed and to bed, then he'll quite often get up and go out.

I don't want to ask him to stop seeing his friends and I know my daughter isn't his problem, and obviously I can't go out every night because of DD. But sometimes I feel like he avoids me! He insists that he loves me, and I love him but there seems to be very little in this relationship for me. But will this be the case in any relationship I have, because of my DD? Because I still won't be able to go out all night, or stay in bed all day, and I'll always have to keep the house clean and the washing done and food on the table for her sake anyway, whether any potential partner helps out or not.

Is this just normal in a relationship of this kind? Or am I right to feel this way?

OP posts:
Enigmatist · 27/02/2015 22:49

You're right to feel resentment. It doesn't sound like much of a partnership, more of a house share. Please tell me you're not cooking the food that he eats before pissing off out again?!

chocolatefingersandtoes · 27/02/2015 22:52

Jesus Christ, no wonder you feel resentment, he doesn't do much does he! He on the other hand has got it pretty sweet. Do you split the bills? I really couldn't tolerate someone so blatently not interested!

Charlie97 · 27/02/2015 22:54

What are you actually getting from this relationship? I fail to understand!

Your daughter isn't his problem, your daughter is no ones problem, she is a little girl who should not be a problem to anyone.

I'm sorry but you need to step back, look at your life, look at your daughters life and put things straight.

WorkingBling · 27/02/2015 22:59

I take it he is living with you? Honestly, I don't see what you are getting from this? You have only been together for a year and yet sex is infrequent, you don't spend much time together, he's not interested in your or your dd.

Of course he shouldn't have to care for your dd as such. But if he lives in the house, sharing chores is just a natural part of being together. If you are a couple, spending time together and being together should be a no brainer.

Does he even pay his share of the Bill?

TheHappinessTrap · 27/02/2015 22:59

Yes you deserve better, that's not nice.

FaithLoveandGrace · 27/02/2015 23:01

Wow sorry but what are you actually getting from this relationship? My DP has a 5 year old from his previous relationship and we got together when DSS was almost 18 months old so I have a bit of experience from the other side. There's no way I'd see DSS as his problem. DSS (and your DD) are children who deserve to be loved, deserve to have the important people in their lives to be people who care, who take an interest in them and want to spend time with them. I obviously don't know the full story but from what you've said, I think you need to ask yourself what are you actually getting from this relationship. You may really love him and care deeply for him but he doesn't sound like he's acting like he loves you. By all means he can see his friends but when you get in a relationship with somebody who has a child that means taking on a certain level of responsibility and wanting to actually spend time at home with your family!

Frecklefire · 27/02/2015 23:01

I do not want to be rude or hurtful at all but this is not a relationship. Think it may be time to call time and rventually move on to something more fulfilling. Xx

WaxOnWaxOff · 27/02/2015 23:02

Please tell us he's at least paying half the bills, because quite honestly I can't see what else he's contributing to your life.

feelinghothothot · 27/02/2015 23:04

My DP is not the dc's dad and he is far more of an attentive parent than I am. I know I have completely lucked out with him, but he will do the school run, homework, tea, some housework and repair everything around the house. I was out tonight and he stayed in (this happens roughly once a week). It's not all roses, things swing in roundabouts but he is exceptional as a stepdad

ashtrayheart · 27/02/2015 23:04

He sounds more like a lodger. Although a lodger might be more help around the house!
My dp is a sahd we have 2 young children together but he also looks after my 16 yo ds who is homeschooled and has asd- he isn't 'dp's problem' but we are a family. Honestly this doesn't sound great at all.

Dontlaugh · 27/02/2015 23:07

You don't have one child.
You have 2.
Ditch the loser and let MN know how that goes.

Ilovemybedbaby · 27/02/2015 23:07

Oh lord, he's not really interested in making a proper family life with you and your dd, he's treating your home like a hotel!! When I met my Dp he couldn't do enough, he still can't , very involed with my dd, picks her up from school when he's off work and I'm not!!
Your Dp is taking the piss, I wouldn't put up with it!

Mrsteddyruxpin · 27/02/2015 23:08

I think there comes a point when you have to think - do you need this shit? Because you don't and you aren't even having good sex never mind all the other stuff.

The other thing is the relationship is only one year old so far to early for this kind of stuff

Gemzybelle · 27/02/2015 23:12

DD was about the same age when I met DH. She is now nine years old. DD has cerebral palsy and autism so not even your 'average' child. DH is her dad in every sense of the word. He absolutely dotes on her, does more than his fair share with her and enjoys it. They are father and daughter.

We don't have many nights out but neither of us are really bothered by it. Currently heavily pregnant with DD2 so sex life not as active Grin But we have always made time for each other and hopefully always will.

Your relationship is not normal of the situation nor does it sound very nice. I'm struggling to see what you get from this relationship to be honest.

He sounds more like a lodger than a partner.

OneEyedWilly · 27/02/2015 23:13

He goes out every night to his friend's house, comes home stoned in the early hours and sleeps all day? Is he 15? Sounds like he hasn't grown up enough to be in a relationship with someone who has a young child and he's treating you like a housekeeper.

lovespuds · 27/02/2015 23:15

You have only been together a year and he can't be arsed to have sex..? Actually, a DP saying that at any point seems a bit odd, really. And being out with friends all the time, knowing that you can't join in. It just doesn't sound right.

I am also a single parent and have been dating my partner for nearly a year. We don't live together, but he makes social plans to involve me as much as possible so I can arrange childcare or do things on the nights my child is with her father. When he stays at my place he helps with my dd by playing, reading stories to her, or by helping with housework so I can do those things with her.

Maybe it is time to work out your exact expectations and let him know what they are. What he does with the information will be up to him, and you will know whether the relationship is worth continuing.

cherrylola · 27/02/2015 23:18

Crikey, he sounds like a waste of space, I feel for you. Just because your daughter is not his, you are living together as a family, he should play an active role in her life and in bringing her up, that includes taking care of her, even cleaning her bum if that what she needs, that's what families do.
Poor you OP.

OneEyedWilly · 27/02/2015 23:18

I've known DSD since she was 2 and I have NEVER treated her as though she were only DP's problem. If you're in a relationship, you share everything. That extends not only to housework but to love and care of any children either of you has. If he chose to have a relationship with you, he chose to be your DD's stepdad which includes getting up at a reasonable time and spending time with her. Why is he with you if he just wants to avoid you and live like a student?

Spero · 27/02/2015 23:27

Sorry, but what everyone else has said. this isn't a 'relationship'. A relationship requires two adults who both love and respect one another and value what the other finds important - in your case your daughter. I am afraid it sounds very much that he is using you simply as a housekeeper.

I would talk to him; say what changes you want to see in the next few months, and if nothing changes, end this. Both you and your daughter shouldn't put up with this. Better to be single surely than in such a ghost of a relationship. then you have a chance of meeting someone who would treat you a lot better.

CalleighDoodle · 27/02/2015 23:31

Omg he sounds like a teenager!

Surfboredcat · 27/02/2015 23:31

That sounds awful! You deserve so much more.
He is essentially living the single life and doing as he pleases while you look after him.
I have 3DC and wouldn't even contemplate a relationship with a man who didn't want to be involved with my children, particularly if we were living together!
I am in a relatively new relationship with a man (we don't live together) he has his own DC but he does more for me than your 'DP'!
Obviously it's early days so his contact with them is limited but one example is, every Saturday we go out together so he comes round in the evening beforehand and spends an hour or so with my DC, reading and playing while I get an (undisturbed!) shower and ready to go out.
He also does some chores for me when he comes round in the evening because he knows how hectic things are for me!
My relationship with the DC's dad was similar to how you describe (and abusive too) so I do know how easy it can be to stay but there are men out there who want to be in equal, loving relationships and want to share everything and wouldn't dream of expecting a relationship with you, while having barely anything to do with your DC.

Superworm · 27/02/2015 23:32

Your living with a stoner - staying up late and laying in bed is par for the course. Ditto with the lack of sex drive. It must be pretty boring for you and not the example I would want to set for my DC's. You can do better.

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elphiethegreat · 27/02/2015 23:34

I can't believe you have to question if that is normal.

He sounds like a complete loser, get rid and find yourself a proper man.

MGFM · 28/02/2015 00:13

Already living with someone when only been together a year seems fast, especially if you have children...or is that just me?

Higheredserf · 28/02/2015 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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