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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can't even have a conversation!

64 replies

GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 20:52

I have been with my DP for 4 years. He works away my. Monday-Friday every week. He came home today and I asked how his week had gone he told me, the conversation lasted about 20 min. I don't really understand but I listen.

I then started talking about my day, it wasn't that interesting to be fair while I was talking he had his phone infront of his face but I thought he was listening, but then he put a video on and started watching that. I asked him to stop that and he did and put his phone down and I continued chatting. I look at him and he's not even looking at me his eyes are on the football on the TV. So I just stopped talking. He didn't even notice. . It's like this constantly! We barely see eachother yet he just couldn't give a shit.

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MitchellGirl · 27/02/2015 20:54

And what exactually do you get out of this 'relationship'?

MitchellGirl · 27/02/2015 20:55

exactly Doh!

GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 20:57

I really don't know I'm sat thinking about it, we have two DCs. One is only 9 weeks. He works away like I said, but he wouldn't even take paternity leave once I'd had her. I basically do it all on my own anyway

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GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 20:59

I had a moment last May when I told him it was over, because I didn't get any attention etc. and then I found out I was pregnant and I stayed he did change and started taking an interest but it lasted about 2 months at the latest

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GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 20:59

At the most, not at the latest sorry I got distracted

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lemisscared · 27/02/2015 21:02

Get rid of him, you deserve better

GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 21:09

last time I tried I got all the tears and promises that he would change and you know I believed him. I have put on a bit of weight since having my second and my self esteem is a little low right now. Just a bit of attention or interest wouldn't go amiss.

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Jackw · 27/02/2015 21:19

Is it only when he's just got home or will it be like this all weekend?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 21:21

This is time for one of what I call a 'more in sorrow than in anger' conversation. The nub of which is that the relationship simply isn't working, you are drifting apart, have nothing to say to each other and, if it isn't to completely hit the rocks there has to be some serious effort all round to find common ground and rebuild things. Put the ball in his court to come up with some practical change and suggestions.

Before you have that conversation, however, I suggest you explore some of the realities of single life, get some advice and think through what happens if he says he's not interested in bridging the gap or if he just wants to make more empty promises. In other words, be prepared for all outcomes.

GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 21:31

Jack, it will be like this all weekend now.

I will do that cogito. Although Im basically a single parent but the money without him would be an issue. I will try and bring it up but I know he won't say anything. Ive tried so many times. He just stays quiet, when I was pregnant he would just roll over and go to sleep. I know that it's dead in the water really. It makes me sad to think that, he's sat laughing at the TV now couldn't give a toss about how I feel.

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GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 21:32

I know he doesn't want to split up but it's like he can't be arsed and just buries his head in the sand when I try and talk about our relationship.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 21:39

Then definitely get some advice, particularly about finances, benefits, accommodation and so on and also start getting the support of family or friends as a back-up. I'd hope that, whatever your private differences, he'd be decent about a split and not quibble over money or get difficult about living arrangements.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 21:49

I'm also sure he doesn't want to split up. Whatever he's getting out of the relationship at the moment it's obviously suiting his needs. However, he appears to be taking it for granted that he doesn't actually have to do anything in return except go to work, provide money and that's his side of the bargain held up. He wouldn't be alone in believing that, sadly.

Does he engage with you and the children the rest of the weekend?

MiniTheMinx · 27/02/2015 21:55

I am going to probably say something a bit controversial and I am certain many won't agree with me because its just not fashionable!

Men and women often talk about different things. As women we are socialised to listen and be polite, we are conditioned also to listen because we take on the role of the emotional care giver and we listen because our interests and strengths are directed towards interpersonal relationships. I have many great female friends but their entire rep is directed towards talking about relationships, from their parents in law to the women in the playground to the woman up the road who doesn't speak to them. It can be tiresome even to me, when sometimes I like to talk about current events, hobbies, sports, politics or work.

If you watch and listen in a group you tend to find that men do not fear talking, they literally dominate in public spaces. Women listen and tend to hold back. Men are conditioned to feel entitled to speak and they have observed all their lives that women listen. You might also observe that men if they do listen it is due to: interests closely correlated to their own, an alpha male who talks the loudest or a woman they find attractive.

I don't know what the answer is for you but I experienced something similar with dp when the children were very young. He worked and had a public life outside of the home, I looked after the children and my life revolved around the drudgery of the home. We drifted and I often gave up trying to speak. This sapped my confidence dreadfully. Two things helped, I started to build another life outside of caring for the children, found interests and got back into hobbies and started studying and running a business. I also started to flirt, tease, and laugh, I literally got his attention by sitting on his lap and being playful. So yep, once I had his attention it was still my role to hold on to it and do the emotional labour that men avoid.

When I think about it, I wonder just how much has changed since my Grandmother's day when it was women's work to hold it all together, to be subjugated, to be unfulfilled unless fulfilling the role of perfect wife, perfect mother and great companion. But I sometimes think it may be tougher now, because modern partnering is also about being dynamic, multi-tasking, multi-talented, confident, sexy, go-getting, successful, high earning, literally we must sell ourselves over and over.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 21:59

It's nothing to do with fashion or 'modern partnering' PP. The OP was having a conversation with her DP and he started watching a video on his phone. That's just sheer ignorance ...... and even your grandmother would have been insulted.

GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 21:59

No, my 3 year old adores him and he will play with him. Hes only seen the baby a handful of times due to working away since she's been born but he doesn't really engage with her.

Don't get me wrong I am grateful that he works and for the money he brings home but thats all I get, no affection, no interest. He will happily just sit watching TV in silence all weekend

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MiniTheMinx · 27/02/2015 22:03

Yes cog the sort of ignorant behavior he wouldn't direct towards his boss, or his male friends or some attractive woman he happens across in the newsagents. That is my point. He sounds to me pretty much like a lot of men.

I am making the point that "mothering" can be a bit boring, day to day life can also be dull and many men don't want to hear about it. Not saying that is ok, just saying that is often the case.

NameChange30 · 27/02/2015 22:09

I'm not sure what kind of weird parallel universe MiniTheMinx is in, but back in the real world... A man who does not take paternity leave to be with his newborn child, and ignores his family all weekend, is emotionally dead. His heart is absent or frozen. How the fuck would a human being prefer WATCHING TV all weekend to engaging with their partner and children?! I wonder about his mental health. But OP you have tried talking to him about it and he is just ignoring you, which means that he has no respect for you, and there is no chance of it getting better. I'm very sorry to say it but please leave him. You would be so much better off alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 22:11

No I'm sorry. I really don't buy this idea that 'men' are only interested in certain topics of conversation and you have to - what was it - 'flirt and tease' or discuss politics to get their attention? If you're in a partnership, you are in it because you want to be with the other person and if you have a family, you're interested in that family. No genetically based excuse for being a boring dollop, selfishly watching TV in silence and rudely preferring phone videos to a partner trying to have conversation.

MiniTheMinx · 27/02/2015 22:15

I don't live in a parallel universe, I live in the really real world where equality is not the norm that we would like to assume it is. Women might go earn their living (to pay for stupidly inflated mortgages) but we do not have equality and most men haven't suddenly started to get on board with knitting and nappies. Sorry if that sounds snippy, but if you think, having read the relationships board on mn that men are all happy family orientated parents, taking out the rubbish and doing their fair share, then we have a very different comprehension.

GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 22:22

He is just a dick really. I'm sat thinking and im just getting more and more angry about things. After I'd had my second child I had to stay overnight due to her being small. The eldest was at GP's and he stayed there. He promised me he'd be back first thing. I couldn't get a hold of him for hours in the morning, he called me at 2pm and he'd been out at the pub all night not put his phone on charge and not woken up until 2pm.

He then came to the hospital hungover and slept. He did not hold the baby I had had no rest ALL NIGHT. I think I have a lot of resentment towards him for this reason too. and it was so recent but in the newborn haze I never spoke about it. You speak about mental health anotheremma and I wonder about that too. I mean that's not normal is it?! And thankyou cogito for your advice. Minx, I feel he should really want to be interested you know? I don't want to have to sit on his lap to have a conversation

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MiniTheMinx · 27/02/2015 22:22

Did I say genetic, biological difference? Did I? Did I say I discuss politics to get his attention? no I didn't. I am saying that conditioning and nurturing lead to different interests and ways of relating. Did I say this was ok? no I didn't. I am not suggesting that OP prance up and down in her frillies or talk about beer or his TV favourites. I am simply saying that she would probably get his attention if she did. What she chooses to do with that it up to her.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/02/2015 22:22

FWIW I do not go and earn a living purely to pay for a stupidly inflated mortgage. I have a career in a specialised field for which I am highly qualified. I would be monumentally bored with a domestic role. My income not only finances my home which belongs 100% to me.... I am not subsidising some man's ambition to own property. ... but also a very nice independent lifestyle.

Women do not have equality but we will not get equality while we have ridiculous ideas like men being let off talking about domestic matters just because they are men and needing women to act like ridiculous sex kittens in order to sustain a conversation ....

GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 22:23

When I read this back I just think God I am so stupid why am I even with him or stayed this long. I think if I didn't find ou

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GoldNumbers · 27/02/2015 22:25

Out I was pregnant in May we would have gone out separate ways for sure. I love my baby more than words can say but life would be so different now

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