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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How to survive a completely broken heart

71 replies

ratburger · 27/02/2015 19:56

Please help me to feel better or be stronger. My Fiancé left me a few months before our wedding a year ago. I thought until he left that we were a very happy couple and had no idea he had any doubts. He just left me a note that he'd moved out.

He took my stepchildren too, who I was a primary caregiver for over a period of six years and I have not seen them since (he felt a clean break was best for everyone).

I have seen him several times since but never the children, and they are still very young and sometimes I find myself sneaking a look at them on their mother's facebook page and can't believe how much bigger they look and i feel like someone is knifing me in the gut.

For the first six months he was back and forth telling me he loved me and wanted me back and still sleeping with me and I was pulled back and forwards for a long time until he finally admitted that he hadn't loved me deeply as he'd said he had, and that he actually still loved his kids mother.

I asked him why he had made a life with me and a home and had booked a wedding and told me I was the love of his life every day for so many years and he said he thought he had meant those things but realised it was just infatuation based on me being very attractive to look at.

I haven't seen him again since that conversation and no longer speak to him at all, and that was five months ago.

I just want to believe I will one day be happy again but I feel like I have just been broken down.

I am very lonely and sad inside, but I can't date. I'm firstly very paranoid that my looks is all I have and that who I am inside isn't worth very much. I find myself stalking my dates - I mean literally Googling them, trying to find dirt on them, Facebook searching their exes. I am completely paranoid and just desperate for people's approval. I'm so scared someone else will lie to me or hurt me and don't feel worth loving.

I also worry so much about how I never saw this. People say that if you're loved you know it and I deeply felt and believed that he loved me and never saw any sign at all of remaining affection of any kind for his ex wife. I thought we were two peas in a pod.

I also feel like I wasn't worth an explanation or a conversation or any chance to understand why any of it was happening to me. At first he told me all sorts of diferrent reasons - personal attacks on me about things he'd never even mentioned before that made no sense (he didn't like my dog?) and I spent so long in this mad confusion trying to add up why he was saying all those mean things that didn't make any sense. He acted angry at me when he did it, as if I had done something wrong.

I do feel better than I did but I just can't imagine in my head any time where I will be happy again like I once was or like myself again. Can anyone please tell me if after something like this you can have a life as good as you once did.

I don't want him back, of course not, but I do miss the world how it used to be. With my family around me and feeling like I was loved by them and him so much and now I just feel like nothing inside.

OP posts:
elsabelle · 27/02/2015 20:09

So sorry for what youve been through. My fiance cheated on me and then left me last summer and i am still struggling very much. Am sure others will be on soon with advice which i will read with interest.

Hang in there OP. It will get better and easier, remember that you are doing so well already. When you truly and deeply love someone it does leave a scar and will take considerable time to get over. I too thought we were so happy and never saw the break up coming. I think that sense of shock and unexpected trauma really adds to the recovery time. Dont beat yourself up, a year is still not that long after a very serious relationship and a painful breakup, your heart has to catch up with your head.

Whenever i say to my counsellor that i cant cope she says "honey, this is coping!" which kinda makes me smile.

Sending hugs and support x

TheCuntOfMonteCristo · 27/02/2015 20:14

Oh poor you. You really have been wrung out and left to dry by this man.

Reading between the lines I think he did love you for a long time. Or at least as much as he was able to love you, So I don't think your perception is completely off.

I think his behaviour when he ended your relationship is sadly very typical of weak men with not much integrity. He had disengaged emotionally from you but physically he was still attracted to you and so was happy to still sleep with you.

He felt guilty for leaving you and didn't like that guilty feeling so acted out his irritation on you as the cause of his guilt. That was why he acted angry at you and tried to make you feel you were to blame in some way. It's very transparent behaviour.

He then went on to confuse the situation further (giving you false hope)because he liked the idea of keeping you on the back burner for casual sex. He fed you a few lines and muddied the waters to keep you confused and stop you from realising what a heartless bastard he was being.

I am so very sorry he has put you through this. How infinitely kinder and more mature if he'd just told you that he was very sorry, but had stopped loving you and was ending the relationship. And then genuinely ended the relationship with decency and respect.

But sadly not many people are that kind or mature, and all they really bother about is ending the relationship in the way that is easiest and most beneficial to them.

You will find someone else who will genuinely love you for who and what you are. The best thing you can do is start to believe that you have really dodged a bullet in not ending up with a man who holds other people's feelings so cheaply.

You haven't lost anything just a handful of illusions and empty promises. In fact you have gained yourself a much better future with lots of opportunities to be with someone so much better.

ratburger · 27/02/2015 20:29

Thanks both of you, elsabelle I'm so sorry for you. What your therapist said is true I know.

MonteCristo I just don't understand how he stopped loving me I suppose if he ever did. Nothing changed, he'd proposed eight months earlier saying he'd never loved me more. I just struggle so much with how any of it makes any sense at all.

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 27/02/2015 20:46

Loosing your stepchildren ,after six years of giving them love & affection must have been unbearably painful for youratburger, it's only natural that you look at them via their mothers F/B page , you can not just forget them or not care about their wellbeing . Only time will get you over your hurt.
You are as equal as every woman on the planet when it comes to finding a partner to love & cherish you. You will feel the pain of your broken heart diminish in time. I am sure you are better off away from his false promises , and you can have a better life ahead, just don't dwell on the past events.

Missqwerty · 27/02/2015 20:50

What an awful thing to happen to you Flowers

Firstly I think you need to sit down; how some quiet time and realise just how wonderful of a person you are. I know it hurts, I've been there. But the fact of the matter is just because one man viewed you in that way, doesn't mean that's hoe you really are or that's how the billions of men in the world will see you.

We all value different things in a partner. Some past boyfriends would describe me as many unpleasant things, yet my fiancé thinks the world of me. But more important I think you really need to recognise your own self value and build your self esteem. I bet you have so many amazing qualities, for one you took on another man's children and loved them- only a kind person with a big heart could do that. Him cutting you out of their life says more about himself then you.

Start thinking of all the ways your brilliant and that in the future that someone special will be lucky to have you, in time your pain will heal and you can move on

ratburger · 27/02/2015 21:05

Really crying at those posts, thank you so much for saying those things. I do really miss the children. It's hard to go from having a family to not having one in the space of a day. It's a shame he would never let me see them. I did get a few emails from the oldest at first, and some video messages but they trailed off and I felt it best to leave alone. My ex told them I had left them, he felt that was best, and as much as I wanted them to know I hadn't done that I didn't see it was best for them to know the mucky details.

I still just miss him too though. I really miss being loved (or believing I was) because he was just so very convincing.

OP posts:
ratburger · 27/02/2015 21:07

I suppose the hardest part for me out of everything is knowing that he is the one who did this to me. That every last bit of it was exactly as he chose and saw fit. And to me he was my best friend above all else. It's so hard not to hate yourself after that sort of betrayal.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 27/02/2015 21:20

Rat burger I went through something similar, no step children, but a cancelled wedding and a ripped apart life. It was hard, I was gutted, it took a long time (couple of years) to be able to trust and let go (I never thought I ever would). I dated, but was carrying too much baggage. I ended up moving back home after 18 years away, bought a horse with what I'd saved for the wedding, and got out riding and competing. I started having fun, meeting new friends, and when I was finally loving life again I met someone special. He'd been through a nasty divorce and upset (his wife cheated) so had been through similar. We've been together 10 yrs and married for 7.

Things will pick up and you will get back on your feet (I wish I'd had ÂŁ1 for every time someone said things happen for a reason!), but it will take time, you have to grieve. Some people get back up quickly, others take longer. Be nice to yourself. It wasn't your fault. I had a couple of counselling sessions which helped me feel better.

Hoping things pick up for you soon.x

LikeIcan · 27/02/2015 21:20

Feeling pain is all part of the healing process, there's no short cuts unfortunately - but you will get through this. Life is bloody hard sometimes isn't it, but it's also beautiful, & your beautiful times will come again.

(( hugs )) & lots of them.

Ouchbloodyouch · 27/02/2015 21:24

Oh. I'm so sorry. I don't have any solutions. I'm hoping to magically get over my ex too.
Yes time does help and I even enjoyed a flirt today (a proper flirt) but I also want to go back to being who I was before I met him. I understand Flowers

usualsuspect333 · 27/02/2015 21:28

You need to try and be happy with yourself for a while. Do stuff for you.

iwashappy · 27/02/2015 21:44

I'm so very sorry that your fiancé left you and that you miss your stepchildren too. He hasn't behaved very well to you at all since he left.

It is very hard when a relationship ends out of the blue when you had no inkling that anything was wrong. For him to have left you after six years by writing you a note says an awful lot about him.

It must be so very much harder for you because of losing contact with your stepchildren when you clearly had a close relationship with them. The fact that you haven't had the chance to see them or sit down with them and explain in your own way why you are no longer involved in their lives must be heartbreaking for you.

I am sure that he thought he did mean it when he said he loved you and made a life with you. I could be entirely wrong but I wonder if your imminent wedding brought any doubts he had to the surface and that is why he ended it when he did.

I know you are terribly hurt but the way he has behaved to you - ending your relationship with a note, not giving you the chance to say goodbye to your stepchildren and stringing you along and giving you false hope you might get back together is not the behaviour of a decent man.

He has been a coward and has not considered your feelings in any of this. You sound a lovely, warm, caring person and you can do a lot better than him. Please don't think that you are not worth an explanation or conversation, it is not a reflection on you, but indicative of someone like him who does not have the emotional capacity or compassion to be capable of that conversation.

I totally understand how you feel when you say you wonder how you never saw this, but he was convincing in his love for you. I am sure he did love you but just not enough to spend the rest of his life with you. It doesn't mean that your relationship was not good.

Don't worry about not dating yet, you don't sound ready but in time your confidence will improve and probably when you least expect it you will meet someone who will treat you with respect. I can't offer you any personal experience of being happy again but there are lots of women on here who have had horrible experiences and come out the other side and have found love with someone miles better than their ex and you will too.

My heart goes out to you as you still sound so vulnerable. Have you much support from family and friends? Flowers

ratburger · 27/02/2015 21:53

Thanks for all the lovely messages. Honeyroar I also moved back home a few weeks ago for the first time since I was very young and I am making a big effort to go out and do fun things and have been seeing friends I've not seen in years and enjoying life as much as I can in the hope that it would heal me. I suppose it's just that I am finding dating so hard because of the baggage. I feel a bit soiled and used up if that makes sense.

Thanks iwashappy, it's a really good way of looking at it, and helps me a lot to think of it like that. I suppose that sadly it's still very hard for me to cognitively see him in a bad light because I saw him in such a good light over so long.

I really do hope I find someone miles better, but it's hard to imagine that right now still. All these new relationships just remind me of how good the old one was. I hate weekend mornings because I miss the kids.

I do have a lot of support from family and friends, but I just sometimes feel so alone. There's only so long people can see you cry before their limit is reached and that's understandable because I probably need to try harder to get a grip. I think the problem really is that no one knows what it feels like to have someone just disappear like that.

OP posts:
antimatter · 27/02/2015 21:56

My ex told them I had left them, he felt that was best what an utter b**d!!!

He did what suited him!

I am really angry that he treated you like that.
It must be very hard for you and I haven't got much advice to offer. Please look after yourself.

flatbellyfella · 27/02/2015 21:59

Is today the first anniversary of the wedding betrayal ratburger Flowers

ratburger · 27/02/2015 22:06

I suppose yes, the imminent wedding made it real. I searched for signs retrospectively that his feelings had diminished or changed but I suppose if a man still really wants you sexually it's hard to discern changes in his feelings because there was just so much affection and attention and it felt like love.

All I remember from those last weeks is things being normal. Him sneaking his arms around me when I was cooking and kissing my neck and saying sweet things with so much sincerity.

The only thing I remember, just one moment, was me saying something about marriage being for life and something flashed in his eyes. Only for a moment but I think that was the moment he realised in a blink of a second he didn't want to get married.

10 days after that he was gone, and he said he hadn't planned it. He said it was just a very snap decision and it had been the hardest thing he'd ever done and from his perspective because he felt such a strong attraction to me the only way he could do it was to disappear like he did.

OP posts:
ratburger · 27/02/2015 22:11

No, the 6th of February it was the anniversary. The last few weeks have been hard.

I suppose I should be angry about the kids, but then again I suppose he did all of this in a way to make himself look good.

He went around telling people it was a mutual thing and a long time coming, so I didn't get much sympathy at the time. None at all from his family who naturally assumed I was the heartbreaker in the scenario. It was a stitch up job from start to finish.

All adds up to make it harder, how little he cared about me I suppose. It's hard to understand that after spending so long together and being so close through life's ups and downs.

I felt amputated.

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 27/02/2015 22:15

To me it sounds more like he was in "Lust "with you, rather than Love, & used you as a temporary step mother, I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am sure the children will have had real love for you, & must have felt very confused at the situation he put them in.

ratburger · 27/02/2015 22:18

I know I am blathering here but talking on the internet is helping me get it out.

When we met he wasn't divorced yet, he was going through it and he was a sad and broken man. I felt sorry for him, which is why I went out with him and talked to him. He wasn't any great catch but he seemed so kind.

He said I brought him back to life again, and that I understood him like she never had and I was the answer to every wish he'd had and I suppose he did believe it himself because I was probably a rebound to make him feel better.

It was very whirlwind and he said it was love at first sight for him and I was very wary at first thinking he must need to heal more from his divorce but he told me he didn't feel any pain over it because he knew he'd found the right one.

I was so wary and so cautious, but when he consistently said that and acted like that over a period of years I did come to just very deeply believe that we were just perfect for each other, and we'd just fallen in love very quickly. Things stayed so happy for the whole time until it ended that I just felt like one of the fortunate few who was with the exact right person.

I just feel very used, like a pawn to make him feel better although I realise he probably believed it himself, I wish he'd respected and honoured me enough to treat me better when he changed his mind. I think I earned it after six years and being there for him and his children every day.

I can't count all the things I gave up to be there for him and those kids and I allowed myself to relax in the knowledge that they were my family forever. I thought I'd be there to see them grow up and go to university and all that stuff.

OP posts:
ratburger · 27/02/2015 22:22

flatbelly, I think that was a large part of it but I think he also needed me to feel like he was okay without his ex wife. He has very low self esteem and always did.

His children don't ever remember living with their Mum and Dad because they were only tiny a the time of separation, so it must have been difficult for them.

OP posts:
ratburger · 27/02/2015 22:28

I know the children loved me. I really loved them and we spent a lot of time together because we had them so much of the time and he was at work late a lot, so I did all their dinners and washed their little clothes and took them shopping and to birthday parties and told them stories and I know if they were worried about anything it was me they talked to instead of their Mum and Dad. Whenever they came I always got excited and missed them on the days we didn't have them. I'm no a saint or anything, but they were just really hard not to love. Whenever they went on trips with their Mum they always brought be little presents and sent me postcards and stuff.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 27/02/2015 22:31

Oh I am so sorry, how awful for you.

He doesn't mean he didn't love you I am sure, he did love you, he fell out of love and has been trying to take the easy option,

As others have said, you need time for you and you need time to grieve. I don't blame you for ha ing a look at the FB photos, you loved those kiddies and deserve to see how they are.

Maybe consider some therapy, it may help you recover.

Xx

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iwashappy · 27/02/2015 22:59

A lot of relationships end when there have been problems and it's not working out or there may have been issues here and there that you weren't happy about. When a relationship that you thought you were both happy in ends out of the blue it is a huge shock and takes an awful lot of time to come to terms with it.

I don't just mean the relationship ending but having to adjust your perception of the relationship and to view your partner in such a different light to the one that you have always viewed him in. There is a lot of soul searching, questioning yourself and wondering how the hell you didn't realise.

It feels hard for you to imagine that you will one day be in a new relationship and feel cherished again. That is because you are still healing from the hurt, but you will heal and in time you may look back and feel relieved that you didn't marry someone as insensitive as him.

I am pleased you have support, but I understand where you are coming from in feeling that people think there is a time limit to get over such things. Sadly there isn't and probably having lots of unresolved thoughts in your head holds you back in moving on. It is very true that people can sympathise with you but don't truly understand the pain unless they have experienced similar. I do understand and I know how hard it is.

His behaviour towards you now doesn't mean that he cared little for you, just that he has moved on and isn't the most sensitive or compassionate man.

I am pleased you are finding it helpful to get it all out on here. It can be quite cathartic to write your thoughts and feelings down and you will get a lot of support on here. x

whyMe2014 · 27/02/2015 23:35

You deserve so much better than this nasty cruel man. He took the cowards way out.

He's also damaging his children by ripping them away from you.

Unfortunately we will never be able to understand men like him so don't try to figure out why he did it. Just be thankful you didn't marry him.

CosmicForce · 27/02/2015 23:50

I am outraged on your behalf that on top of everything else he told the children that you had left him! What a cop out! He sounds like such a shallow self-centred @rse - and you are genuinely better off without him.
I hope you find yourself feeling happier soon...with or without another person in your life. You have so much more to be proud about than this horrible excuse for a man.

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