Please help me to feel better or be stronger. My Fiancé left me a few months before our wedding a year ago. I thought until he left that we were a very happy couple and had no idea he had any doubts. He just left me a note that he'd moved out.
He took my stepchildren too, who I was a primary caregiver for over a period of six years and I have not seen them since (he felt a clean break was best for everyone).
I have seen him several times since but never the children, and they are still very young and sometimes I find myself sneaking a look at them on their mother's facebook page and can't believe how much bigger they look and i feel like someone is knifing me in the gut.
For the first six months he was back and forth telling me he loved me and wanted me back and still sleeping with me and I was pulled back and forwards for a long time until he finally admitted that he hadn't loved me deeply as he'd said he had, and that he actually still loved his kids mother.
I asked him why he had made a life with me and a home and had booked a wedding and told me I was the love of his life every day for so many years and he said he thought he had meant those things but realised it was just infatuation based on me being very attractive to look at.
I haven't seen him again since that conversation and no longer speak to him at all, and that was five months ago.
I just want to believe I will one day be happy again but I feel like I have just been broken down.
I am very lonely and sad inside, but I can't date. I'm firstly very paranoid that my looks is all I have and that who I am inside isn't worth very much. I find myself stalking my dates - I mean literally Googling them, trying to find dirt on them, Facebook searching their exes. I am completely paranoid and just desperate for people's approval. I'm so scared someone else will lie to me or hurt me and don't feel worth loving.
I also worry so much about how I never saw this. People say that if you're loved you know it and I deeply felt and believed that he loved me and never saw any sign at all of remaining affection of any kind for his ex wife. I thought we were two peas in a pod.
I also feel like I wasn't worth an explanation or a conversation or any chance to understand why any of it was happening to me. At first he told me all sorts of diferrent reasons - personal attacks on me about things he'd never even mentioned before that made no sense (he didn't like my dog?) and I spent so long in this mad confusion trying to add up why he was saying all those mean things that didn't make any sense. He acted angry at me when he did it, as if I had done something wrong.
I do feel better than I did but I just can't imagine in my head any time where I will be happy again like I once was or like myself again. Can anyone please tell me if after something like this you can have a life as good as you once did.
I don't want him back, of course not, but I do miss the world how it used to be. With my family around me and feeling like I was loved by them and him so much and now I just feel like nothing inside.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How to survive a completely broken heart
ratburger · 27/02/2015 19:56
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