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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Sis doesn't want her photos

25 replies

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 17:28

My parents passed away, and of course there are a lot of hurt in our past, but I have all these photos that is from my parents that they kept. I am trying to give my sibling their photos, so I can declutter my basement. I have tons of photos , including my own kids. These photos of my sister is her school graduation, prom, sport, even baby pictures. she told me she doesn't want to go through them, AND not to give them to her. I told her I am trying to give the photos who is rightfully theirs. She told me to throw them away or burn them. I got mad and told her if anyone is going to do that, then it must be her not to put me in that position. I have plenty of photos of her btw, so it is not like I need to keep her school pictures. She goes on saying she didn't ask to be in this life or part of the life that mom and dad gave her. my parents have five kids, two are deaf and they had very little money and of course my dad drinks...So my sister felt my mom was not supportive enough. My mom come from a hard life herself , she was abused sexually, physically and emotionally... and we just found out that we have a half brother from a ex who raped her.. we weren't suppose to know though and my dad was VERY angry at the person who told us because it wasn't what mom wanted. So I know mom couldn't be a perfect mother. So I do understand where my sister is coming from BUT she still accomplish something and made her who she is today. It made me feel sad because another thing, we did had a good time as siblings and she doesn't any of that.

I just feel horrible. I feel like I can't talk about our past without her feeling angry. and these photos are not the bad part of her past

OP posts:

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NameChangexyz · 27/02/2015 17:41

These photos of my sister is her school graduation, prom, sport, even baby pictures. she told me she doesn't want to go through them, AND not to give them to her

Does your sister have children? Or is she likely to? Her children will want these photos when they are older! Box them up to give to them when they are old enough.

More generally, you can't change how your sister feels - you need to accept it. Sorry that's not more helpful but there's nothing you can do really. People feel how they feel. Time heals sometimes.

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 17:44

no, she is not going to have kids either, so she says.

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RandomMess · 27/02/2015 17:47

She's not ready YET but she may be in the future.

Perhaps you could go through them at some point and thin them down so there is a record that should could have in the future if she wants them.

Not fair on you I know.

FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 17:48

Sometimes it is hard to compartmentalise. Your past is your past and even the good things can remind you of the bad. The day that X happened was the day that Y happened, or the week she got X was the week after Y was done to her.

Pictures can throw you right back into the time. Can you really expect someone to say oh, I was being abused and my life was utterly shit in so many ways but don't I look nice in this dress...

If she doesn't want them then she doesn't want them. I can totally understand why she wants them burned.

If you feel they should be kept, don't try to force that on her. Scan them in to your pc, slap them on a usb stick, chuck the originals and then if in the future she does want them, they will be there.

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 17:53

She wasn't abused, at least I don't think so but I have seen mom feel depressed though. JUst more busy trying to keep up with five kids mostly.

Sis just felt she never had enough support from her parents. neglect but mom was always trying to provide for us the best she could

I probably will do that.

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FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 17:54

oh, I'm so so sorry, I misread. I thought your sister had been.

I still say the same thing though, she feels like it was horrible and photos would bring it all back for her, so scan them in. A usb stick takes up no room at all.

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 17:57

yes, it was my mom who have been abused.. her depression was result. it didn't make her a horrible mother. It just affected her and her childrearing.

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FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 18:01

Your poor mum. It's such a sad story. Life must have been very hard for her.

Do you feel angry with your sister? In defence of your mum?

ChillySundays · 27/02/2015 18:02

Package them up and post them to her. She can do what she wants with them

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 18:03

btw, i tried scanning before, but boy they take forever, I don't think I really want to deal with scanning again. So frustrating. if I throw it away, I am going to feel like shit. And some of photo are of school friends I don't know

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FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 18:06

then send them to her. Tell her that it is unfair of her to ask you to do it and she doesn't even have to open the box if she doesn't want to, but she must be the one to dispose of them.

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 18:16

I just feel a lot of hurt.. angry, maybe, but don't know.... I need a therapy myself, ha.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 18:16

don't we all

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 18:18

I just never knew these photos is going to create a lot of problems. with my other siblings, they would be like "oh yes! we want them!" (they have been asking for them anyhow) but with my sister... I just keep feeling bad.

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 27/02/2015 19:07

your other siblings want the same photos or other photos?

I know it's hard but try to not feel bad. Don't let photos come between you and your sister.

UmizoomiThis · 27/02/2015 19:16

Bloody hell, they're just photos. She doesn't need them to remember her own childhood.

I think you need to ask yourself why you find it so painful to throw away some old photos that you yourself don't want to keep. It's not the photos, is it?

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 20:33

She doesn't want the photos go to them, I already asked. Hardly any of my siblings are in speaking term with her anyhow.

Yes, they are just photos, but seriously, it feel wrong to get rid of them. I suppose I should just keep them. ugh.

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niceandwarm · 27/02/2015 20:50

I would keep them. She may change her mind in the future.

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 21:11

:) I feel super overwhelmed. I will get over it. My husband have boxes and boxes of childhood things and I am not allowed to touch them (as in not to get rid of them) I want to deal with things I can control but I guess I can't get anywhere yet.

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TokenGinger · 27/02/2015 22:23

You mention your dad as though he is still here? Can't you just give the photos to your dad to keep of storage is too tight at your place?

blueberrypie0112 · 27/02/2015 22:27

Both passed away. Which is why i have them now

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Fairenuff · 27/02/2015 23:12

I would just post them to her with a covering note to say 'Here are your photos, do what you like with them. Sorry but I don't have room to store them and they are not mine to destroy'.

Bluetonic123 · 28/02/2015 08:15

If you don't want them I don't think it's fair to expect your sister to take them. Why is it ok for you to get rid of them and not for her to refuse them?

I think posting them to her is a very bad idea. Respect her wishes and don't force them on her.

firesidechat · 28/02/2015 08:51

A plea from the heart here - please, please don't get rid of the photos. Someone, maybe not you or your sister, will deeply regret this at some point in the future. Find some way of preserving them, either as they are or digitally.

When my husband's dad died when my husband was in his teens, his mentally ill mother chucked all the family photos away. I have seen just one photo of him as a child and one of his dad, both grainy and blurry ones. We don't own either of them. It is incredibly sad.

When my grandparents died no one removed the photos from the wall of their rented house and other photos probably went to a relative who wouldn't have valued them. I suspect that they too have long gone.

Anyone interested in their family background, however sad the circumstances, could weep when this sort of thing happens.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/02/2015 09:09

Your sister sounds very angry about her childhood, so now is clearly not the time for her to take on a bunch of photos reminding her of it.

She's allowed to feel that way.

Decide what you want to do with the photos. But you can't force her to do what you think she should do - that's a very controlling attitude.

Personally I think you should keep them and see if, in time, her anger turns to acceptance , and she might welcome the photos. But that's her journey and you can't push it or count on it. It will happen in her own time if it happens at all.

Now, if for your own peace of mind you need the photos out of your house because your own need is to get rid of boxes of stuff, perhaps compounded by your husband's boxes of stuff that seem to make you nervous, then decide if your own preference would be to post/bin the photos. It's your own personal choice.

But I think: wait her out. She has a lot of stuff to process, and it takes time.

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