Earning more than DP - the curse of female professionals?

[crossroadsorroundabouts]

I am finding it increasingly difficult to stand up to friends and family who believe I am being taken advantage of by my DP.

Here is the objective truth:
He lost his job 3 years ago (just before we met) and has since been self-employed, earning very little. He is working whenever he can, incl most evenings and weekends, and trying to find a better paid job. I am a professional with a good salary and enjoy a comfortable - not luxurious - lifestyle (house, private school for DD, holidays etc). When DP lost his home, I invited him to live with DD and me, and to bring his DC over to stay with us every other weekend. Without my help, he would have been homeless. He has since contributed to the household as much as he possibly can, but his legacy debt and very low income mean this is very little. Effectively I pay all the bills, incl. food, and most extras such as outings, holidays etc. I know he is very unhappy about not being able to contribute more and recently refused to accompany DD and me on (cheap) holidays because he could not pay his share. He is a loving dad and pays whatever he earns first to his ex and for his DC. He has also been great with my DD who adores him.

Here is the outside view (explicitly or implicitly communicated to me by friends and family, incl DP's ex):
He is taking advantage of me, loves me only for my money, effectively serves as a prostitute while I am stupid / desperate enough to maintain him.

Here is my view: I love him very much and I know he loves me. He makes me happy, and because I am financially comfortable I don't mind paying things for him. I chose him over another, much richer man man because we are a great fit, and I am certainly not desperate or short of alternatives. I have never been happier with anyone else.

I find the constant implications that he must love me only for my money cruel and insulting, and I highly doubt the same scrutiny would be applied if I was the "providing" man and he the "loving" girlfriend or wife. I am angry as well as concerned about our relationship because DP, sensing the underlying prejudice, increasingly refuses to accept anything from me. I want to share my life with him and spend my money how I want, but I also understand and respect his pride. I have already ceased many more expensive activities, such as theatre, restaurants and weekend excursions, but I also want to have some fun time with him and DD.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to save our relationship, assuming (as I must) that it may still take considerable time to improve his financial situation?

[bobbywash]

As for saving the relationship, it's having a talk explaining how you feel about whats going on. Trying to make him see that if the roles were reversed he'd feel annoyed that you wouldn't accept anything.

Ignore those comments from outside, as the influence/comments are unnecessary and unwarranted.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I wouldn't call that a curse. And there are many women on this board who are considered gold-diggers by their ILs because they earn less that their DPs or at home being SAHPs. If you are happy, just ignore. Have a cards on table talk with your DP. Your concern should be whether he has issues with you raising more. You can shut the door on family gossips, but if he resents you paying more, that could be a problem for you.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

*earning, not raising

[oldcroneat39]

Yes but I'm currently the one not 'contributing' in a useful financial way. My mother asked me if I was marrying my husband for his money. She also said this. As fact. to my husband. . (For other reasons I am NC as it happens.
I find it immensly difficult to live 'supported'. It impacts on me and our relationship.
My husband makes it clear almost every day that I enhance his life more than a stack of cash (not sexually). Those reassurances are very helpful to me.
I have a plan I am working to and I like to see how I am making progress.
My husband tends to divide activities into family activities and things he would like some company for. The phrasing is transparent but it is coming from somewhere genuine too.
He wants those things. To do those things. 'We' can afford those things so I SUPPORT those things.
He knows I am very good at finding offers and planning out a day out, there's a role / input from me that way. Those things mean so much to me.
(He wants to head to London for a weekend. I search for places to stay, plan an activity for all of us, find vouchers for restaurants, find a surprise exhibition / venue that specifically rates to his interests etc).
I get scorn about it from some women (I am a failure to modern women right?, wasting my degree, my talents, letting the side down).
But there is only one life.
I would not hesitate to do the same nor would I not want him were we both in this position. My life is better with him in it. He feels the same.

[talbotinthesky]

Sorry I can't be much help but to me it sounds like jelousy from your friends/family. Sometimes being happy brings out the envy in those around you sadly. It's not the relationship with your OH that needs reviewing but more your so called friends.

[Joysmum]

My response would be along the lines of not thinking so little of him than they obviously do and thanking them for their concern but showing a little annoyance also that they think so little of my own judgement.

[SunshineAndShadows]

Its not a problem unless its a problem for you and your DP. Its sounds to me as if he's very focussed on managing his responsibilities. My DP and I have a similar wage gap, he is supportive and works very hard and I couldn't do my job (lots of travel) without his support. We live together but I pay rent and bills. He buys some food and household stuff, but in reality does not contribute financially very much, though he takes care of everything when I'm away. He's currently working F/T (v low wage) and studying part time. When he finally qualifies he'll be much better off and I'm hoping I'll be able to reduce my hours at work. We're in it for the longhaul and so it will all balance out in the end. I don't discuss our financial arrangements with other people - I know they'd judge. I'm happy, he's happy - end of.

[Moniker1]

HOw are the friends and family managing to be so involved. Is it the ex (who might know his financial situation due to child support) who is spreading the info.

Imply he is doing better now and you are so much better off?

Or look coy and tell them he has assets worth paying for (big wink) and you might embarrass them into keeping their nose out.

It's nothing to do with them, avoid.

[AnyFucker]

How did he "lose" his home ?

[myotherusernameisbetter]

I've always earned more than my husband. he was a student when we met and apart from taking time out to look after our children, he has always worked. neither of us works harder than the other, it's just that society decrees that what I do gets paid twice what he does. His job is a caring profession so could be deemed a lot more valuable to society than mine if we took money out of the equation.

That's the way we have always viewed it and as far as I know he is okay with it - we've been married for 19 years so guessing he doesn't have a big issue with it. I spend a lot more than he does but mainly thats on our children rather than myself. I dont think he feels that he cant spend our money.

I agree with PPs that have said you need to be happy with it between you and everyone else can go to hell. If he is uncomfortable about it and you can't resolve that then it is that that will damage your relationship.

When we were first together and saving for weddings etc, how we handled things was to have a joint account that all the household stuff cam out of - both our salaries or income got paid into that and then we both took the same amount out as our personal money for spending on what we wanted. Effectively we both had the same money available to treat ourselves or each other whilst the household stuff was covered with mainly my income - it just seemed fairer that way.

[Remind]

If anyone, male of female, among my friends and family had a partner who had managed to lose their home, needed the partner's home so they had somewhere to see their Dc and contributed nothing to the joint living expenses, I would be worried for them too.

If you are completely happy that all is well, there is nothing to prove, so why does the relationship need saving?

[magoria]

If you are both a happy then what others think doesn't matter.

What is he contributing to the household? Why are you cutting back on what you enjoy. Is he getting out of his debt? If he is not earning much self employed and handing it all over to another while you feed and cloth him is he not looking for employment that would enable him to earn more, clear debts, pay his own way and pay for his first family.

[Romeyroo]

I think two things - he only needs to pay what the CSA would ask for regarding his first family. I have two DC and I am a single parent, I get minimum maintenance from one non-resident parent and next to nothing for the other. Obviously not advocating giving next to nothing, but I would not expect my X to pass over everything he earns for DC. The law expects the non-resident parent to have something to cover his/her own expenses.

I presume he lost his house because he did not have a job, AnyFucker - same as I would lose my house if I didn't have a job - difference is, I don't have a partner to bunk up with; I would be screwed.

I actually don't think it is reasonable that all his money goes to his first family whilst you support him both financially and in terms of providing a place for him and his DC to stay. If you are living together, it is inevitable that his DC will stay with you, but it is not inevitable that anything he earns should go to his first family. But if you don't have an issue with that, it is no-one else's business.

[Romeyroo]

everything he earns I mean, not anything, sorry

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I don't see why the relationship needs saving, surely if you are both happy with it, there's no issue.

I have supported my husband at times, and he me. I know however that as soon as he's back in well-paid employment I immediately enjoy the fruits of his labour and vice versa, he has had times of being better paid than me and currently we are about equal.

I can see why your friends and family were concerned, because effectively the fact this person 'lost their home' meant they had to move in with you very soon, and they still haven't got a better job after three years. This seems unlikely to change from what you have said, so effectively they would be homeless/unemployed if you didn't step in. This creates an odd dynamic and not one I would be comfortable with which is that they are dependent on you completely. I would only normally think this ok if one person is the childcarer/housekeeper, otherwise it is an odd set up. Perhaps this is the case here if your partner only works evenings and weekends?

Ultimately it is you that has to justify this to yourself. I think if you were completely secure about it, then other people's opinions would be irrelevant and not have struck a chord with you. I do know of a similar situation that developed, it was very convenient, loving for years, but when the chips were down and the earner started asking for even a small amount of rent/bills, the dependent person upped and left. Huge earning differentials creates all kinds of unpleasant situations, as you will see if you pop over to Relationships.

[NameChangexyz]

I've name changed for this as my brother is a similar position. I apologise if you find this offensive but it is honestly what I think as I've seen it at close quarters.

When DP lost his home, I invited him to live with DD and me, and to bring his DC over to stay with us every other weekend. Without my help, he would have been homeless.

Anyone can lose a job and be unemployed. Shit happens as we know. But to be in a situation where without your help he "would be homeless" smacks more of poor financial planning and a failure to take responsibility. To put it in more offensive language, a bit of a loser. That is way more than struggling to find employment; it is someone who has failed to plan and manage their situation. I would not be happy if a good friend of mine chose to ally herself to a man like that - it's strongly suggestive of bad character values.

When you add into that that THREE years later he still hasn't found a job, the picture painted is, I'm sorry to say, of a bit of a freeloader. Three years is a hell of time.

This is not the same as (say) starting a relationship with a person who has a low paid job that they have always done and are committed to (eg. a struggling musician or a museum curator). It is someone who had a certain level of achievement and then has not returned to it. And has managed to do this by moving in with you.

If you love him and are sure of his love for you, then just ignore your friends. You aren't going to be able to change their views because, from what you have said, it sounds like a fairly reasonable opinion to hold. You may not like it but it isn't exactly an outlandish opinion or totally unrelated to the facts.

To see it from the other side, my brother is in exactly the same situation with his partner as you are with yours. He is a decent guy but for various reasons earns very little. His partner is a high earning woman who allows him to live in a very nice home in a smart area of a big city that he would never in his wildest dreams be able to access. I know he likes this woman and finds her attractive but the reason he stays with her is because of this lifestyle. She has bought herself a man basically. It upsets me no end because I would rather see him with someone he is better suited to and truly loves. She would say exactly what you have said "he loves me blah blah blah" but she doesn't see all of what I see. I know him very well and he goes through all the motions of "being in love" but it isn't there. It is pathetic to see. He is so overly attentive to her in a sycophantic way because he is terrified of losing this cushy lifestyle. But she doesn't get it, she brags to her friends of how caring/attentive he is. Honestly, like I said, she's bought herself a boyfriend.

As you say, it happens in reverse all the time - wealthy men in effect buying themselves wives. For some reason it is more acceptable that way round. It is a sexist attitude but I suspect it is because that marriage/living together generally offers more for the man in a tradition set up - including sex on tap, a wife who cooks etc - and the man provides financial security. In the reverse set up, the woman is providing almost everything and the man brings virtually nothing at all. Women can get sex anywhere so the sexual dynamic isn't the same. The taker is 100% the man.

In terms of handling it, the only positive thing I would suggest is to draw a line under it with your friends and family. Sit them down one at a time and say What you've said above, you love him, this upsets you and you do not want to hear any comments or see snide looks about it again. That you want to draw a line under it and move on.

As regards your partner, relax about it and carry on as normal. Don't stop doing what you like. Tell him you'd like him to come or you'll go on your own - and do it. Go to the theatre on your own, go out for dinner on your own. Eventually he'll come round.

[squizita]

My DH chose a pathway in his career which earned much less than he could have made, but is more interesting/socially useful. It's a pathway lots of women take, interestingly.
I work in a very "female" sector and am pro active - now a well paid manager.

Yes, we get insinuations and it drives me mad.
Even worse are the ones that suggest I should have pretended to be crap at my job so he would earn more, as it's the norm. Er no!?!

[squizita]

Also fwiw most of us are 2-3 paychecks away from homelessness. It's not something that happens to "losers". I've seen honest hardworking families face it and it's heartbreaking.

[Twinklestein]

I dunno OP he lost his job, he lost his home, he's in debt, and doesn't earn enough to contribute much. Is he exceptionally charming or ace in bed?

If he earns so little, perhaps he needs to rethink the self-employment and go back into the workplace where he's paid more. He's not got much incentive when you provide so generously for him.

I think your family may have a point.

[crossroadsorroundabouts]

All: thank you for really encouraging posts.

Regarding friends: I think some of their preconceptions are based on snobbery: they come from professional backgrounds and turn their noses up at DPs answer to the notorious dinner party question "so what do you do?". He is trying hard to hold his head high and I always stand by him, but I know it's hard for him. However I can't change my circle of friends and colleagues, and I am sure some of his friends think I'm "posh".

Thenapoleonofcrime and Namechange: you have a more sceptical view, and I would be lying if I said I don't share some of your concerns. Yes, this is a one-side dependency - I could do perfectly well, in practical terms, without him but his life would crumble without me. This is not a good basis for a relationship, hence my concern. It is also true that he managed his finances badly in the past, basically he was naive and stupid and allowed himself to get into very big debt, but it there were also reasons beyond his control, and he is working very hard now to get out of this situation. Living in London with 4 kids, being made redundant in the "wrong" sector, battling with the legacy of a difficult childhood etc I don't think it is inexcusable to end up with debt. And with bad credit rating it is not easy to get back on track.

I want to help him, but I realise that makes him dependent, and our relationship lop-sided.

And no: I don't want to go out on my own, I want to share my life with DP now, not in 10 years. I am happy to scale down outings and I do occasionally lie about some of the costs - such as "free" theatre tokens I actually bought - to make him feel better.

I am seriously considering secretly funneling an "inheritance" from some unknown great-aunt into his account - anyone have an idea how to do this?

[MaryWestmacott]

from an outsider point of view, if the genders were reversed, I'd think you'd found a cheap live in nanny you got to have sex with. Does he do all the childcare and housework? Or are you sorting those as well?

Now let's take the emotion out of this - what would his situation be if you hadn't come along? He might well have lost htat house, but would he really be sleeping on the streets or finding another place to live? Would he be still bobbing along, doing bits of self employed work here and there trying to get back into dream employment, or would he have had to suck up applying for any job in order to pay rent and buy food?

From your DP's ex's point of view, he found himself a rich girlfriend, her ex has found a way to maintain a very high standard of living, without having to work for it, so that his DCs are denied decent maintenance. If he lived that lifestyle due to his own income, then his DCs would get a lot more in maintenance payments. He's in no rush to get another job (as he would need to be if he didn't have you), so he's nice and comfortable and doesn't seem to care that his DCs are missing out.

At best, it seem like he's a lovely but hopeless person, they tend to find very capable woman who 'mother' them, pay the bills, look after all the 'grown up' stuff. You sound like a very organised person, but why hasn't he got a job in 3 years? Have you limited his options by using him as childcare/house husband, or is it just you have enabled him to be super picky about what he applies for?

[BIWI]

Whatever you do, don't do this

I am seriously considering secretly funneling an "inheritance" from some unknown great-aunt into his account - anyone have an idea how to do this?

If he's sponging off you, this is what he wants

If he isn't sponging off you, this is hideously patronising

If you're living together, why does he need this money? Why would you give your own money to him?

[FunkyPeacock]

As long as you are both happy and have a healthy relationship I can't see that it is anyone else's business

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

squizita I know what you are saying, and I know we are only one paycheck away from disaster ourselves. But I wouldn't still be unable to support myself and having to live with someone else to meet day to day needs when a young able person three years later. I just wouldn't and my husband wouldn't either.

Obviously the OP knows how hard her partner has tried to get another job, how much he works and what work he does and so on- if someone was 100% trying, I would be very sympathetic and happy to fund them to continue a little more. However, she seems to think there isn't going to be a change and that's worrying.

The plain fact is that it was very convenient that this man met the Op when he did. Now that doesn't mean that they wouldn't have met, fallen in love and made a great team for life if he was working in a good job, but what it does do is cause people to plunge into things, or to do things because they haven't got many choices. The relationship board is full of people who are economically compromised and can't face up to splitting for economic reasons- that's why I earn myself a living wage and would never ever back myself into the corner of being dependent on someone, as long as I am able (seen too many middle-aged women lose their pensions over middle-aged men's life crises and get plunged into poverty). I know I have the complete freedom to leave my husband financially- and I stay because of love and personally I find that very liberating.

Op, if you can honestly say that you know this guy would be around if you lost your job tomorrow or suddenly became ill/unable to work, there's no issue really, especially if he's great with your dd. If you are a genuine team, that's a great thing to have and other people's comment shouldn't bother you. I would restart going out though, silly of you both to sit in, if he doesn't want to come/feels the money issue, then go with a friend.