Inlaws = HELP!

[Starlight9]

I am currently in my second trimester of pregnancy, me and dh already have a 2 year old (not biologically his - but he has been her Father since she was 1 and will be adopting her legally in the future).

His family make no effort with my daughter, she has no idea that dh isn't her biological father but fil likes to comment that 'she is my daughter and not his' infront of her. Mil or Fil have not make any effort to contact me since finding out I was pregnant or any effort to visit.

Sil has visited maybe once or twice and on last visit, made claims that her mother would have the baby once a week and that she would help too (I am due 2nd of Sept and am returning to uni in Oct (baby attending with me) and work weekends (will possibly have some time off but baby will be left with dh so I don't see the problem with not taking maternity)... ANYHOW - I barely know these people! I am fully aware that they are related to the child and will never do anything to stop the relationship but as for thinking that they can take the baby on their own? :S they're practically strangers to me! .... Plus there are also issues with sil constantly screaming at her lo's, and fil has once or twice banged my doors and windows screaming and shouting through letterbox because we didn't answer (Sunday morning - we were in bed!!!) ... There is also the issues with my lo desperate to go with sil when she visits (her children are similar ages) but she makes an excuse, promises that she will collect her another time and never does.. so how would she feel if baby is collected and she is left here?! She has no idea that dh isn't her father so there isn't a way of explaining 'sorry but they just don't see you as family' :-(

I am lose as to what to do! I can not force them to love my lo but couldn't have her feeling left out, how unfair!
Am I being completely out of order and should let them take baby?

Please note, I have no issues with them visiting baby here as often as they would like to.

[caravanista13]

Don't really have an answer to your question but I do think that you should be open with your DD about your OH not being her biological dad. At this age it won't make any difference to her but she'll be devastated if she finds out when she's older.

[WhereIsMYJonathanSmith]

No experience of such a situation but if I were in your shoes there is absolutely no way anyone would be taking one child and leaving one behind. I would be gradually cutting contact with all of them.

[AGirlCalledBoB]

I also think you need to rethink the whole letting her think another man is her biological dad. It will come out and she may be hurt that you never told her.

Also you can't really expect his family to treat her the same as their biological grandchild. You have only been together a year and by the sounds of they barely know you or your dd. They feel connected to their biological grandchild but not to their step grandchild. Fair enough. I think to solve this your oh needs to make it clear he thinks of your dd as his own and would like her to be treated accordingly.

You really cannot stop their relationship with their grandchild just because you want your other daughter to be treated the same. That is hardly fair on your second child is it? That is her family. But as you and your dd get to know them better then it all should improve. I would also find it hard if my son got with a woman with a child and I was automatically expected to treat this child as family. I would be nice to the child of course but that relationship would need to be built up over time.

Also you say they do not visit you? How about you visit them? Have you made a effort to get to know them?

Perhaps your oh could take your daughter round there for a visit. It works both ways.

[Starlight9]

I haven't lied to my daughter, she is just too young to understand.. I always called him by his first name but she was adamant that he was 'Dad - it wouldn't have been fair to refuse to allow her to do this. I will bring her up fully aware that 'some Daddies didn't actually make them .. but he is still your Daddy and loves you' (or something to that extent). but she wouldn't understand it now.. I'm a Child Psychology student so have spent over a year reading up on how to address the situation. But thank you for your advice, I wouldn't do that to her. Imagine how she would feel, poor thing..
WhereIsMYJonathanSmith I'm do glad that you have said this! It's how I feel 100% but have asked my own family for advice and they think I am being unfair. Not all of his family are the same, he has one brother who is brilliant with her.. is committed to being her uncle and has never as much as treated her differently from his other niece since the first time that he met her. :) it's just the rest... there isn't much contact to cut, am just waiting for them all to decide they are excited about baby and want to make an effort upon his/her arrival. sigh.

Plus I do not need help caring for my baby, I would take maternity and a leave of absence from university if I needed to rely on other people.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Your eldest child needs to be told the truth now about her parentage before someone else does.

Is your DH prepared at all to deal with these people; if he cannot or will not then you have a DH problem on your hands as well as his family of origin. What has your DH had to say about his sister's claims let alone his dad banging on the door and shouting through your letterbox?. If anyone else had done this repeatedly you would have gone to the police about such a matter because that amounts to harassment. Why did you not do this re them?. Family are really no different and these people are not at all good to be around.

Re your DD she is not old enough to be able to make such decisions re wanting to go with her aunty. You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their relations. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

If your DH will not or cannot act here with regards to such people then you are going to have to take a stand and raise your boundaries a lot higher than they have been.

It will do your children no good at all to be around such people in future. They cannot respect you as parents, how do you think they will at all respect any of their grandchildren?. Short answer is they will not.

[QueenofallIsee]

You want people who you admit are strangers to you to take your 2 year with them? Your SIL has visited once or twice and you are surprised that she doesn't want to take your daughter with her when she leaves?

(presumably this is not an arrangement that she has backed out of, but your 2yr old kicking up when she is going and the SIL saying something like 'you can come another day')

Look, I have a DD and a DP who has fathered my other kids so I am not without context. You are pregnant after a short time with their son. You have a DD who never sees her father, you don't seem to have visited them very much during your relationship. I don't think your FIL is being very nice in commenting that she is not DPs (I mean how often can that come up in conversation) but you are not being very realistic. You can't just erase out the facts and expect everyone else to be complicit in that without any sort of explanation. Your baby will have a nice extended family if you try to nurture the relationship. I am not going to give you affirmation in limiting in-law contact over something like this as you have seemingly made very little effort yourself in managing the situation.

[Starlight9]

AGirlCalledBoB - a lot of men do bring up children that aren't theres. I didn't say that we have been together since then, he has been in her life since then. and I didn't state anywhere that I was planning on not telling her, just she wouldn't understand it at the moment. To her, Dad is somebody who lives with her and cares for her.. she sometimes calls her Grandfather Dad so she wouldn't understand that her Daddy isn't her biological father.

The question wasn't whether they should be allowed a relationship, it was whether they should be allowed to TAKE MY CHILD ON THEIR OWN, and what others would do in my place.

I have no reason to make an effort with them. They're vile and will sit and make nasty comments towards me for the duration of the visit - I've tried previously but it isn't going to happen again.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If they cannot or will not treat both children equally then you would as a family unit be better off without such people in your lives at all. Its highly damaging for your children in particular to be subjected to such favouritism and could irreparably damage your children's relationship with each other.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

You are newly pregnant, your inlaws haven't known you long. They haven't yet treated your children differently. It's fine to be prepared for it, but it may never happen. If when your dc is born, they lavish him/her with attention and ignore your Dd, then I would not accept that.

But between now and then can you try to foster a relationship with them?

Get to know them. So far you're guessing how they may act.

[Starlight9]

I don't understand why everybody is making comments about the fact I can not lie to my daughter. I have never lied, just she does not know because she would not understand. As if I was planning on not telling her! But whether he is her biological father or not, he is very much 'her Daddy' and will always be no matter what happens.

And I wasn't complaining that they wouldn't take her, but explaining the effects that it would have upon my toddler if they took the baby after refusing to acknowledge her as part of their family. Can you imagine telling a 2year old that this new baby is 'daddies' but she isn't? SHE'S 2!!

MY QUESTION WAS: WOULD YOU ALLOW THE FAMILY TO HAVE YOUR BABY ALONE? Please answer this, rather than making comments about things I haven't stated all of the facts to! If I wanted advice as to when to broach the subject of paternity with my daughter, I would have explained the whole background story to it. I DO NOT want them to take my daughter anywhere! I'm only explaining that they will not make an effort with her - I only allow a handful of people to have her alone and am in no way inclined to palm her off on people I termed as strangers.

[averythinline]

They don't seem to see you as a family unit really, maybe that will change when the baby comes as your dp will then be a "proper"parent in their eyes so can make clear to his family you are all one family...
You are both the parents of the baby if you don't want he/she to go anywhere then just say no.... Try the mumsnet way...no that doesn't work for us...as sounds a bit politer....if your dp will have the children whilst your working/at university he'll have them both .....so if visiting will be going with both of them...

You don't have to be that involved with them.... I'm not, with my in laws mainly through distance and they are not interested in children..

You do need your Dp to step up and manage his family though so it maybe worth talking through scenarios with him

[AGirlCalledBoB]

Sorry it was unclear in your op how long you had been together.

How is your oh regarding it all? He should be the one building bridges between his family and you and your dd.

If they really are that horrible then don't let them be involved much. Keep it to short visits or none at all.

and I know men raise children that are not theirs all the time. My own mother was raised by a man who was not biologically related. She was always aware though but did call him dad. He is the only grandad I have ever known. Funny enough his mother never really accepted my mother or my grandmother for already having a child, even though she took his name and all was raised by him. Heck me and my son now have his name as well. I guess some people are like that. It's good his brother is the opposite, that's really great of him. Focus on the positive people for your family.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I think the problem is that you see them as strangers and haven't made the effort to change that.

[Starlight9]

Averythinline, thank you.. I think the problem is that he isn't really facing them head on as he is too afraid that they will reject him and cut contact again. I might need to discuss it with him.
I had already told his sister that I doubt I would feel comfortable with people having the baby but I want to not allow them to take the baby but do not want to put them off coming to see the baby and building a relationship. I'm just not interested in building a relationship with them, they're vile people. The amount of times that fil will tell me how fat and ugly I am (I'm a size 10 - not that it would be okay if I WAS fat) But it's just horrible and I avoid them at all costs.
Maybe I could just leave the visiting them to dh on weekends, there's an idea.

I felt uncomfortable with my daughter visiting her biological grandparents when she was a baby, but allowed it as had no reason to disallow them a relationship.. I made the effort twice a week and had to attend university one day so upon their request, allowed them to have her for a full day. upon collecting her, I entered a smoke-filled room full of drunken people and she was left in a car seat alone. .. I don't want to feel forced to 'trust' people again that I really do not want caring for my baby alone, just because they're related.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"and fil has once or twice banged my doors and windows screaming and shouting through letterbox because we didn't answer (Sunday morning - we were in bed!!!) .."

I would not personally any of tolerate that nor his daughter;s assumption either that she is going to take the as yet unborn child to his parents. His family sound awful frankly and not nice people to have at all in their lives.

If you do not want them to take your DD starlight then do not. People who do not already see you as a family unit will not somehow change their minds and behave better when your second child is born.

What has your DH had to say about all this Starlight; his reactions are also key here.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I had already told his sister that I doubt I would feel comfortable with people having the baby but I want to not allow them to take the baby but do not want to put them off coming to see the baby and building a relationship"

It never fails to amaze me the number of times I see various versions of the above. Basically what you are saying to them here is that it is ok to treat you and your DH like something they've stepped in and you will allow them to also have a relationship with your child (out of some misguided societal convention that children should have a relationship with their wider family regardless of how disrespected you are treated as parents).

If they cannot or will not behave they should see none of you.

[CunningCat]

To answer your question. No!
Do not leave your baby with anyone, family or not, unless you want to of course.
If they can not treat your kids as equals I would minimise contact.
If you are studying child psychology you must be aware of the impact of kids being treated differently on their emotional development/self esteem etc.

[Starlight9]

DH doesn't say much. I think he had an awful upbringing and is so used to being treated in this way that he doesn't question it. I feel a little sorry for him but it doesn't mean that I'll let my children be effected because of it.
He says nothing when they are offensive towards me too. But strangely, would not allow anybody else to say such things.
I think he is so used to being talked down to, that he doesn't always see that he should step in and do something. We have discussed that he says nothing but his reply was that his father will not allow his mother to have a relationship with him if he upsets him (I think there's dv issues there).

These are other reasons why I do not want baby with them alone. And the lack of respect they have for dh and me is evident.. my mother has always had my lo since she was quite young but has fully respected me as her mother. I have fallen out with my mum countless times (over really silly things) but would never stop her collecting my DD whenever she wanted to. It isn't as if I have control issues in terms of my children, I just do not feel comfortable allowing them unsupervised contact.

[Starlight9]

CunningCat I am fully aware but seems from most who have commented here 'I am in the wrong blah blah...' My grandmother treated me and my brother differently ('she preferred boys, they didn't whinge') and it was damaging for me! I would sit and wait all day when she was supposed to be collecting me and she wouldn't do so, and make petty excused. I understand first hand.. and my believe is whether my dd is his biologically or not, it makes no difference because he is her Father (and does an exceptional job of being one to her).

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

I wouldn't allow people I have a poor relationship to care for my child.

[gingerbreadmam]

This sounds like a difficult situation starlight. Firstly I would say try not to worry about them and what they are saying. You and DP are the parents and will make decisions about where your dc will or will not go. It is not upto anyone else and you are not obliged to because they are family.

I am pg at the moment and have a sil who says about taking out my pfb (when it arrives). It wont be happening. I am not going to make a fuss of it now though and just kind of brush over it when mentioned. Chances are once it is born she will never ask so will cross that bridge if / when I come to it. It could be the same for you so just enjoy your pregnancy and forget about that.

With regards to your other dc your relationship sounds fairly newish (on the assumption dp met dc when she was 1 and she is now 2), that is a short space of time for someone to build a bond with your dc (in laws - not DP btw). Doesn't sound like you see them frequently either. Is there anyway you can see them more often? If you did I am sure a bond would naturally form.

My SIL, well two of them, already had DC's before getting with my DBs. None of SIL's DC see ANY of their DF's family. One SIL forced a family relationship on us with her DC almost immediately and her DC were a little more grown up. It has always felt forced and has caused resentment over the years and still continues to. She had another DC with my DB so is biological family but for some reason we have nothing to do with him yet she still forces the other two DC onto us. It is an awful situation for us all to be in tbh.

On the other hand my other SIL had one DC who was a toddler when she got with my DB. They came to ours regularly and naturally the DC became part of the family. They then went onto have a DC together. Both DC have never been treat any different and are a part of the family.

I guess what I am saying is, how you pursue things can have an affect on the outcome so it is worth considering.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Starlight

re your comment:-
"DH doesn't say much. I think he had an awful upbringing and is so used to being treated in this way that he doesn't question it. I feel a little sorry for him but it doesn't mean that I'll let my children be effected because of it.
He says nothing when they are offensive towards me too. But strangely, would not allow anybody else to say such things".

From the little you have written about his father's and sister's behaviouors there is no surprise to read that you think he has had an awful uprbringing. He truly has had an awful upbringing.

Your task now amongst many is not to let that damage filter down into the next generation. He has to also come to realise that his own inertia is simply now hurting you as well as his family now.

Will he consider now seeing a therapist about his dysfunctional relationship with his parents?. It is not his fault or yours that they are the ways they are; their own families did that lot of damage to them.

Your DH is very much in what is known as FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his parents. He still seeks their approval on some level and fears their rejection of him. They have already rejected him his whole adult life but he still on some level thinks that they will change and become nicer. It will not happen. He does not defend you to them because he cannot as well as will not, his inbuilt conditioning at their hands prevents him actively from doing so.

I would suggest you now read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics that are also going on here.

[Starlight9]

It isn't my relationship with them that worries me because I probably could have more effort. It's their behaviour and actions. My daughter isn't allowed contact with my own Father because he very similar to FIL - I don't think she should witness rubbish people and rubbish behaviour because 'they're related.'

[IlikeCowboys]

AttilaTheMeekat totally agree - if we all kept to this principal, there would be a lot less hassle moving forward.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

What Attila said.

Don't get railroaded into them having the baby on their own, you are not comfortable with it and that in itself is reason enough.

The only advice I would give with people like you have described is always, always question their behaviour. Every time FIL makes a comment, pull him up on it, because every time you let one slide it's like a green light for them to keep on doing it.

What does your DH think about it?