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Relationships

Sensible perspective please

199 replies

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 00:33

I'm going to sound like a fruit loop I'm sure, but please bear with me and let me have your honest opinions - all will be greatly appreciated.

History: DH and I together almost three years, young DS 15 months. DH much older, whirlwind romance turned good.

Situation: I cannot get it out of my head that DH has a bit of an infatuation on someone at his work (she has actually recently left his office). A few trivial but odd incidents left me thinking this, a gut feel if you like.

I explained this to DH more than once. I explained how his odd behaviour was making me feel, and he assured me they just got on well, but that she was 'pig ugly' and just a great friend. Anyway, I've since clocked this girl and she is far from ugly.

A bit of a final straw came late last year when DH lied to me about who he'd been out with after work, said it was just the boys but then I saw a message on his phone from her saying she was on her way (albeit with another male colleague). I got rather upset, he understood, and said that as she was leaving, it was the last to do with the matter. He'd not told me that she'd been in the pub because 'You'd get upset'.

Tonight, he's come home and announced that he's going out with her and a mutual friend next week. All recollection of our previous conversations about this have been forgotten it seems. WTF?? I want to trust him, and I really do. He says he thought it was done and dusted, that it was ok now... Could he really forget everything we talked about just a few months ago?

OP posts:
Reekypear · 27/02/2015 00:36

As his wife he should honour your feelings above all.

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 00:39

This is exactly my point.

And exactly where I thought we left things a few months ago when he assured me, very sweetly, that he understood, nothing was/had gone on, and told me it was the last I'd ever hear of it.

He's now saying I'm making his life difficult because they have mutual friends/colleagues, and he'll NEVER be able to be in a social situation with her again. Even though he did the odd stuff that set bells ringing to begin with...

OP posts:
countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 00:50

Should he really? Why? His wifes feelings do not trump everything.

Maybe you are right, I don't know. But change for perspective, say for a moment that you have been wrong about the whole thing from the start, and she was someone he worked with who he just got on with, nothing more. IF that perspective is correct, then you have repeatedly told him that you don't like it, that he is odd, that he shouldn't talk to her. It wouldn't be surprising that he then lied to you about her being out with him and a load of others, because to his mind you would just be unreasonable again, and he just didn't want to hear it. After nothing being said, he decides he can meet up with her in a group, maybe you've got over whatever the problem was, and he's telling you the truth because you got upset about the lie last time.

I haven't a clue whether you your feelings are right or not, I'm just saying look at it from some other angles. And how would you feel if he was telling you that he didn't trust you with a man you worked with, even though you continually assured him that you were just friendly colleagues, and that you didn't want you to ever see him, even in group situations. Wouldn't that be seen as controlling and unreasonable behavior from him?

Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong. Are you comfortable with your role here if you are wrong?

badbaldingballerina123 · 27/02/2015 00:52

Why do you think you'll sound like a fruit loop ?

Of course he hasn't forgotten. It's not normal to lie about spending time with colleagues. He's taking the piss. The good news is this time he's openly telling you he's planning on taking the piss , which gives you the chance to make your boundaries clear.

I'm sure most people don't agree but I'm not tolerant of these opposite sex friendships. All too often it seems to be a sanctioned way of going on dates with your spouses approval.

Why aren't you invited ?

beaglesaresweet · 27/02/2015 00:56

I think if he never goes just with her alone, it's fine - and he has point that he can't avoid all social situations where she is present. But depending on what this 'odd stuff' was, you may have a point too.
Would you be upset is he does like her but has no intention of acting on it - or she has no intention? I think something would have happened by now if there was mutual interest. People do have mild crushes but they usually peter out. Still unpleasant, but is it the principle that you don't want him being mildly attracted to others, or are you actually worried he may cheat?

Whirlwind romances can be a bit of a red flag, meaning that such men can be prone to strong impulses, but if you know that he is generally a good reliable person, then not an issue. If you didn't really know him before your quick romance, then I'm not surprised that trust is lacking.

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 00:59

Countess - you sum up exactly what the rational part of me is thinking. I DO trust him. I can't pin down exactly why I'm so uncomfortable about this one person... Probably because of the few weird things that have been said/done - most are too trivial to mention!

And yes, it would seem controlling/unreasonable to demand he never sees her again. However, I never suggested this, he readily offered it once he knew how I was feeling... Now he's gone back on it.

The situation for them to meet up feels very 'engineered' - albeit professional, which is why I'm not invited.

OP posts:
jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 01:05

Beagle - you make good points too. I do worry he could be led astray. He acted very impulsively with me (Aldo a former colleague). I guess I feel
inadequate too, now a SAHM and out of the office loop.

I do trust him though that nothing has happened yet. I suspect he fancies her, I know he's fascinated by her holidays/hobbies etc, which is s bit hurtful. Makes me feel very boring by comparison. I've explained all of this to him more than once.

I genuinely wouldn't have minded him going out with her and others - I wouldn't like it but I'd deal with it, I just feel he should have talked to me first given all the previous conversations we've had about it?

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 27/02/2015 01:17

I would want to know what has happened since the last conversation where he said it was done and dusted , to now where he is saying you are making life difficult.

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 01:20

Nothing has happened... We've been getting on brilliantly, even trying for baby number two.
But tonight, this. It feels like (and I'm probably over exaggerating), that he's conveniently forgotten everything we discussed because he's so keen to see her Hmm

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 27/02/2015 01:25

I didn't mean something happening between you two sorry. Isn't she an ex colleague now ? Have they stayed in touch , emailing texting ect ?

If something feels wrong , it usually is.

Minus2seventy3 · 27/02/2015 07:01

So if this woman is part of a circle of friends, and will be out with them (as a group), he has to bow out of the group?

jugglingmonkey · 27/02/2015 09:56

I don't know. I guess they've stayed in touch - he hasn't said. It was as if the whole silly thing from before had just been erased from his memory.

I want to feel comfortable with him hanging out with her... I just can't explain! I just want him to understand why a conversation first would have been a way way better approach to this!

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 27/02/2015 10:00

Irrespective of anything else, describing a colleague and friend as 'pig ugly' is absolutely bloody horrible. Is he usually so disparaging about women or is he using this as a smokescreen for the fact he fancies her?

countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 10:03

Its possible that he said all that in all earnest, to try and reassure you and make you feel better. And now a couple of months later nothing has been said, he thinks maybe it was a thing you had in your head that is now done with', and he wants to just have an easy life and see who he sees, in his social group. It doesn't mean anything at all has changed, other than maybe he thinks you are past the need for reassurance.

I think you need to decide properly whether you trust him or not. If you do, you have to let him choose his own friends and see who he wants to see. If you decide its your issue, its not fair on him to expect him to change his behavior to accomodate suspicions that are unfounded. If you don't fully trust him, you need to explore that fully and see where that takes you both, its a bigger issue than this one situation.

Again, I have no idea if your suspicions/feelings are correct or not, and am not trying to diminish your thoughts here. Just offering another perspective. I'd also advise taking all responses here with a pinch of salt: eg above you have poster who is "not tolerant of opp sex friendships" which would be seen as beyond the pale if it was a H saying it to his wife. Be careful of being persuaded by those whose responses are overly coloured by their own experiences.
Best of luck, hope it works out.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 10:09

I couldn't get past the "pig ugly" comment

Horrible man

Out of interest, was your "whirlwind" hook up with him subject to an overlap with him and someone else ?

KissyBoo · 27/02/2015 10:12

Invite her over with a few of his other friends for a meal.

I think you are being a bit controlling on this one.

SaucyJack · 27/02/2015 10:15

Have you experienced this sort of paranoia in previous relationships?

If you're not usually a bunny boiler, then I would say your spidey senses are tingling for a reason.

But that's just my humble opinion.

pocketsaviour · 27/02/2015 10:23

I'm pretty much with countess. I think he's probably neglected to mention her before because he knows you have a problem with her. I don't think it's reasonable for you to tell him who he can and can't be friends with.

badbaldingballerina123 · 27/02/2015 14:41

Plenty of people are not tolerant of opposite sex friendships countess . Especially ones where the friendship takes priority over their spouses feelings.

BuzzardBird · 27/02/2015 14:46

I wouldn't think highly of a man that calls a woman "pig ugly", and we all know that attraction has nothing to do with looks anyway.

Coyoacan · 27/02/2015 15:29

If you can't trust him and feel the need to tell him who he can or cannot be friends with, OP, what are you doing trying for another child with him?

Personally I believe in trust inside a relationship and when I have had a jealous boyfriend what most upset me was that they thought I was capable of cheating.

PatriciaHolm · 27/02/2015 16:07

What if the partners feelings are completely irrational and baseless? Does he have to back off from having a drink with someone very occasionally because his wife has a funny feeling based on no evidence?

A partner who "wasn't tolerant" of same sex friendships sounds like a controlling nightmare. If there is concrete evidence that he had an affair and is wanting to pick it up again - well, being controlling about his friendships isn't going to stop that! Nothing is. Isn't it more likely that she's just a friend? And if she isn't, telling him he can't see her isn't going to stop anything from happening. And no, he wasn't "led astray", he's a fully function adult making his own decisions.

Forbidding a partner to see people of the opposite sex isn't going to stop them. It just means they won't tell you when they do....

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badbaldingballerina123 · 27/02/2015 16:22

No one's suggesting that the Op , you , or anyone else shouldn't have opposite sex friendships. I personally choose not to and that's entirely my choice. Why you feel it's ok to suggest I'm a controlling nightmare I'm not sure but it's rude and offensive.

countessmarkyabitch · 27/02/2015 16:27

Yes you are right, ballerina, plenty of controlling partners are intolerant of opposite sex friendships. However couples with healthy relationships do not tell each other who they can be friends with, and they certainly don't tell their partners that they can't socialise with 50% of the population.

shovetheholly · 27/02/2015 16:41

My gut feeling about this, and it is just a guess, is that he's being straight with you when he says there is nothing going on and that he didn't tell you because you'd be upset.

Of course, that was wrong of him - but it would also be wrong to ban him from seeing a friend simply because she's pretty and a woman. Unless you can provide stronger grounds for thinking he's 'infatuated' with her, I'd suggest that the problem is how insecure you feel, and not his behaviour.

Of course, insecurity runs deep and you can't just 'get over it'. The solution has to be for you to work at this together, in a way that respects both of your positions. Can you go along, with your partner, to these post-work events, for instance?

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