Just before christmas, I had a thread on here about my nasty exp who was constantly telling me he would take me to court if i did not agree to x, y or z and would torment me with threats of cutting off child maintenance
anyway I got so many fantastic replies and a lot of really sound advice which gave me the courage to say to him, fine..take me to court (possibly one of the best feelings ever)
So there is now finally a court date next week, but I'm a little nervous as communication is absolutely not my strong point, and I definitely need a few pointers re what to leave out/convey when it is my chance to speak..
A bit of backstory.....exp ended our (albeit short) relationship when I was five months pregnant (by text) a few days before we were due to move in together and informed me that I would need to find alternative accomodation. Turns out he was frequently seeing his ex girlfriend who happened to be his next door neighbour which he had of course kept quiet about
he was pretty nasty about the whole thing and I was naturally in bits so we had very little contact until a few months later when we met up to discuss what was going to happen once the little one was born. He sat across from me and told me I was a parasite as he now had to pay child maintenance for many years he then went on to say that he WILL be having DS every single weekend and that if that doesn't happen he will take me to court to get 50/50 custody. I was 24years old at the time, naive and feeling very vulnerable. he was 33 and I suppose, desperately trying to scare me
I walked away from him in disbelief, then got a call five minutes later from him to say that if I dare go to csa for cm payments, he would quit his job, and make his (undeclared) rental properties work as his main income to ensure I never receive a single penny from him. he is quite the charmer
the next few months were pretty crap to say the least but at least I had learned I had an incredibly lucky escape
So DS was born and he took paternity leave and would turn up at my doorstep each day at 9am waiting to be let in and wouldn't leave til 7pm usually it was horrific as I couldn't stand the sight of him yet wasn't able to stand up to him. thank you for reading this far
I moved back to my hometown to be close to my family and friends which is a 45/50 minute drive away. then started back work when DS was 9months old. I was worried about money at that point so after a few months I decided to work at weekends as that was an option for me and I did'nt feel like paying large amounts of money for childcare was
This worked out very well for exp as my place of work at the time was very close to his home, so I would drop DS every fri and then collect him every Sunday at 5pm after work.
I hated the job I was in, the cost of travelling and the fact I never got any weekend time with DS so when a much better job came up locally, which was better paid etc I was delighted to get it, exp was not impressed however.
I then moved in with my partner and that week exp told me he would not pay any cm unless I continued to travel up weekly to collect DS, on top of that he would take me to court to get 50/50 so he wont have to pay cm ever again He didnt pay much anyway but not having it would cripple me unfortunately so I felt my hands were tied and although I hated myself for doing this I agreed. I often work a Sunday and travelling up to the city was tiring, expensive and after having worked midweek also was the absolute last thing I wanted to be doing, and felt I had no quality of life whatsoever
I tried to discuss with him a few times about me having DS the occasional weekend but was met with, 'fine, I'll have hom sun-fri then', I was that or 'I'll have him thu and fri in that case but I won't be travelling to take him to preschool, it's not school so he wont miss much and it's not important anyway
then christmas happened, we decided he would have DS next year for xmas eve and day, but as it got closer to christmas he changed his mind and tried to dictate that he was having him no matter what, and if I dont agree he'll take me to court Cue a mumsnet thread by myself and I was able to say NO! of course it was all bluff, and after christmas he never did try to take me to court but he would not agree to me having my own son on a weekend and I felt very strongly that I shouldn't have to do the travelling to collect so told him what i wanted, eow plus a night through the week and if he wasnt happy with that he could contact a solicitor. thanks again for getting this far and I can now get to the point.....
This is a guy who also told me he didnt want to pay cm until DS was 6months old as 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you anything' has dicated terms of contact and travel since I was pregnant! and now wants 50/50 custody or at the very least, every single weekend with DS. please tell me this wont go his way?
all the things he said to me which I mentioned upthread, most have to do with cm. as the court hearing is about contact, would I be stopped if I say this? he also has been clever enough to never have written it in an email, the only evidence I have is a text message from him on boxing day telling me he was unemployed so going to cms would be pointless, but this was not true, he was and is employed and is earning huge amounts of money (which I cant understand why he grudges paying cm)
he is very much a bully who needs absolute control at all times and this is unfortunately all just about exerting control over me rather than meeting DSs best interests. but I'm dreading court, he is verrry intelligent and good at communicating well. he will be a pro in that court room and I fear I will be emotional and say the wrong thing.
there is history of severe mental health conditions in his family, should I bring this up? who is likely to be asked what first? any help would be really appreciated
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Definitely going to court, scared
attheendofmyteatheragain · 26/02/2015 23:31
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