Definitely going to court, scared

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

Just before christmas, I had a thread on here about my nasty exp who was constantly telling me he would take me to court if i did not agree to x, y or z and would torment me with threats of cutting off child maintenance

anyway I got so many fantastic replies and a lot of really sound advice which gave me the courage to say to him, fine..take me to court (possibly one of the best feelings ever)

So there is now finally a court date next week, but I'm a little nervous as communication is absolutely not my strong point, and I definitely need a few pointers re what to leave out/convey when it is my chance to speak..

A bit of backstory.....exp ended our (albeit short) relationship when I was five months pregnant (by text) a few days before we were due to move in together and informed me that I would need to find alternative accomodation. Turns out he was frequently seeing his ex girlfriend who happened to be his next door neighbour which he had of course kept quiet about

he was pretty nasty about the whole thing and I was naturally in bits so we had very little contact until a few months later when we met up to discuss what was going to happen once the little one was born. He sat across from me and told me I was a parasite as he now had to pay child maintenance for many years he then went on to say that he WILL be having DS every single weekend and that if that doesn't happen he will take me to court to get 50/50 custody. I was 24years old at the time, naive and feeling very vulnerable. he was 33 and I suppose, desperately trying to scare me

I walked away from him in disbelief, then got a call five minutes later from him to say that if I dare go to csa for cm payments, he would quit his job, and make his (undeclared) rental properties work as his main income to ensure I never receive a single penny from him. he is quite the charmer

the next few months were pretty crap to say the least but at least I had learned I had an incredibly lucky escape

So DS was born and he took paternity leave and would turn up at my doorstep each day at 9am waiting to be let in and wouldn't leave til 7pm usually it was horrific as I couldn't stand the sight of him yet wasn't able to stand up to him. thank you for reading this far

I moved back to my hometown to be close to my family and friends which is a 45/50 minute drive away. then started back work when DS was 9months old. I was worried about money at that point so after a few months I decided to work at weekends as that was an option for me and I did'nt feel like paying large amounts of money for childcare was

This worked out very well for exp as my place of work at the time was very close to his home, so I would drop DS every fri and then collect him every Sunday at 5pm after work.

I hated the job I was in, the cost of travelling and the fact I never got any weekend time with DS so when a much better job came up locally, which was better paid etc I was delighted to get it, exp was not impressed however.

I then moved in with my partner and that week exp told me he would not pay any cm unless I continued to travel up weekly to collect DS, on top of that he would take me to court to get 50/50 so he wont have to pay cm ever again He didnt pay much anyway but not having it would cripple me unfortunately so I felt my hands were tied and although I hated myself for doing this I agreed. I often work a Sunday and travelling up to the city was tiring, expensive and after having worked midweek also was the absolute last thing I wanted to be doing, and felt I had no quality of life whatsoever

I tried to discuss with him a few times about me having DS the occasional weekend but was met with, 'fine, I'll have hom sun-fri then', I was that or 'I'll have him thu and fri in that case but I won't be travelling to take him to preschool, it's not school so he wont miss much and it's not important anyway

then christmas happened, we decided he would have DS next year for xmas eve and day, but as it got closer to christmas he changed his mind and tried to dictate that he was having him no matter what, and if I dont agree he'll take me to court Cue a mumsnet thread by myself and I was able to say NO! of course it was all bluff, and after christmas he never did try to take me to court but he would not agree to me having my own son on a weekend and I felt very strongly that I shouldn't have to do the travelling to collect so told him what i wanted, eow plus a night through the week and if he wasnt happy with that he could contact a solicitor. thanks again for getting this far and I can now get to the point.....

This is a guy who also told me he didnt want to pay cm until DS was 6months old as 'you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you anything' has dicated terms of contact and travel since I was pregnant! and now wants 50/50 custody or at the very least, every single weekend with DS. please tell me this wont go his way?

all the things he said to me which I mentioned upthread, most have to do with cm. as the court hearing is about contact, would I be stopped if I say this? he also has been clever enough to never have written it in an email, the only evidence I have is a text message from him on boxing day telling me he was unemployed so going to cms would be pointless, but this was not true, he was and is employed and is earning huge amounts of money (which I cant understand why he grudges paying cm)

he is very much a bully who needs absolute control at all times and this is unfortunately all just about exerting control over me rather than meeting DSs best interests. but I'm dreading court, he is verrry intelligent and good at communicating well. he will be a pro in that court room and I fear I will be emotional and say the wrong thing.

there is history of severe mental health conditions in his family, should I bring this up? who is likely to be asked what first? any help would be really appreciated

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

I should also point out, I did actually contact cms and as of next month I will get payments, so the control he has over me with threats about money is now zero

[champtastic]

I can't answer a lot of your questions but when my ex took me to court for access, child maintenance was not allowed to be discussed at all. Even though he owes me 10k in back payments, the court issue was to deal with contact only and the merest mention of unpaid maintenance to my solicitor was waved aside as not relevant and never brought up in court.

[champtastic]

Have you got a solicitor? Has he?

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

Oh no, I thought that might happen. so I won't actually be able to show how much of an arsenal he is

yes we both have a solicitor. he originally went to a lawyer 70 miles away in the capital. but has recently had to change to a local solicitor

[CunningCat]

I moved away from an abusive DP with my young DC's some years ago and he (thankfully!) never bothered to contact me, but I can empathise with you. I can't advise you other than saying I think he is a c##t! Sending you hope and strength.

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

arse*

[Lweji]

Good to know you are sorting the money.

I doubt a court will grant him every weekend, as the baby also needs leisure time with the mother.
I would keep in mind what is the best for the baby and less what is best for you or your ex.
You could also ask the court to read most of your OP on this thread, possibly posts on other threads.
Be calm and take your time to reply to the questions, so that you can think about what you will say. Take a deep breath if you need to before answering.

[champtastic]

I also had huge concerns re my ex's mental health. He had been Sectioned once and had several long term stays in the Mental Health Unit at hospital (4 months was one stretch).

His mother and grandma also had mental health issues.

Even with that history, the court said if he could produce a report from his current MH team that he was now ok, then he would not be stopped from seeing his children.

So, unless he's currently having major MH issues, I doubt that angle will get you anywhere.

Sorry if I sound negative. It took me over a year to go through the courts re my ex's access issue and it's left me rather jaded.

Good luck.

[SensationalGirl]

You should definitely mention that him having your child access every weekend is interfering with the mother child bond as you spend very little time having fun together. A factual breakdown of your income and how much it costs to be the one doing all the drop offs pick ups will help too.

As he's smart enough to not put threats in writing, stop all communication via phone. Email only. Also make sure when you see him it is in a public place (not his property) and record on your phone. A call to the police will give you the legalities. He will fight this but don't back down, the abuse will basically stop and if it doesn't then you have proof.

I wouldn't bother with the he said she said unless he brings it up and the judge allows it. Your rights to time with your child and the cost to you are highly in your favour.

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

Lweji thanks, that's an excellent idea. Is that something they would read aloud or perhaps take it away after the hearing to have a look over?

[CunningCat]

Lewji, please excuse my ignorance as I'm new on mn, but can OP print her posts off and submit them? I hope so.

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

champtastic I was worried it would make me look petty, exps dad who he has nc with, suspects he is affected by it mildly, but that is it. probably no medical records etc so perhaps bringing it up would make me look silly which I want to avoid! So thank you

[Lurkingforanswers]

sorry I've no good advice for you but I just wanted to say you're amazing. If it wasn't for mumsnet I wouldn't know arseholes like this existed but even with that I'm aghast at his behaviour. I don't know how you've managed so far. power to you and I hope it goes well at court.

[Lweji]

Not sure of actual procedures in the UK, but normally there would be paperwork to present before an actual hearing, or at least before the final decision.
It might be worth investing in some proper legal advice to make these things clear for you.
People often say there that a journal could be used as evidence. A dated thread could be similar to a journal.

[Lweji]

I also agree with keeping all communication via text or email. Every single thing. Don't answer phone calls. Particularly as he is actually taking you to court.

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

I see, thanks Lweji. I wish my lawyer would tell me these things. and is on annual leave until the court date so no chance of asking

[champtastic]

If it's the same as my experience, you are not allowed to speak yourself. Your solicitor speaks for you. I attended approximately 8 seperate court hearings but only spoke twice when the judge addressed me directly.

Tips:

• keep contact with your ex to a minimum and by email if poss.
  

• prepare a bullet point timeline of your history for the solicitor. You generally get 20 minutes or so to talk to them alone before the hearing. Also bullet point what your ex wants and what you want. They will want you to compromise.
  

• take 2 or 3 copies of anything you prepare or any paperwork you take. One for you, one for your solicitor, one for the judge if he wants it
  

They will not take the time to read things like threads, or lengthy A4 pieces of paper. Keep it short, sweet, concise and factual.

I hope this helps. I stress that your court experience may be different to mine but I had quite a few dates, different courts and different judges and that's how it was for me.

[AcrossthePond55]

I remember your prior thread. As rough as it may seem now, going to court will be the best thing. Your XP is NOT going to walk away getting everything he wants. You may not either, but you'll probably get more because you aren't being so unreasonable. He is.

Does your lawyer have any partners or co-council you could talk to before court? Possibly a legal assistant who might be able to answer questions?

Even if it's not strictly admissible as actual evidence, you could always write yourself a chronological record of all that's gone on before. Maybe you'd be able to use it as a 'memory prompter' during questions.

I'd avoid saying anything that may sound like a verbal attack or character assassination. No mental health, etc, unless you have a valid concern for the safety of your child.

The only time I'd mention child maintenance would be as a reason for him having had the child every weekend. Especially if his lawyer tries to intimate that he's had the child every weekend because you have wanted the 'time off'. Then it should be brought up that you've done that because he has threatened to cut off support. But talk to your lawyer first. I'm not a lawyer!

I absolutely second no verbal communications. Emails or texts only. If he does happen to say something verbally, you can always email it to him as 'To recap your statements of earlier today/yesterday/last night so I can be sure I got it right…..' and detail what he said to you. Then send it to him. He'll either not respond or respond denying it and give a different, probably less nasty, response. Like "I never said I would stop maintenance if you didn't do all the driving". Then, when he does you can point to the email and say 'you said you wouldn't do this, yet you did'. See what I'm getting at?

Good luck!

[springalong]

My own view based on personal experience is that if someone is determined to keep control (driven by either money or revenge motives) it will be very difficult to get a satisfactory resolution. My ex will stop at nothing to get what he wants. We have been in and out of court for the last few years. We get 1 ruling out of the way and he starts again on the next thing. I regard it as financial and emotional abuse. It is exhausting.

[Auburnsparkle]

I remember your last thread.

I would say the only time to mention maintenance would be to illustrate how he has been using the threat of no money to bully and manipulate you into letting him get his own way.

I really hope it goes well in court. You are very brave.

[Custardmiteofglut]

Hi OP. I've lurked in your previous threads and while I have not advice (sorry) I just wanted to say that I really admire your strength.
Be calm, don't let him bully you and remember that you're doing this for the benefit of your relationship with DC.
Good luck.

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

thank you for all the kind words. sprinalong I'm sorry you have to go through that it sounds incredibly exhausting you deserve a medal for that nonsense. my exp would also stop at nothing to get what he wants so I fear it will go that way for me also but if he doesn't 'win' I'm hoping that will be it

when he changed lawyer, my guess is that he was told he didn't have much of a case and to perhaps avoid court as he wouldn't get what he wants because all of a sudden I got a text from his sister in law asking if I could sort it out with him before the court date I have no contact with her so it was odd and obviously he had put her up to it. with the distance I am almost 100% sure he won't get 50/50 custody. even without the distance I doubt he would get it. and I'm hoping the court sees the importance of weekend time with both parents, which I'm fairly confident it will. court is the day after my birthday so can't really enjoy it, gah!

I have a feeling he will try anything and stoop to any level to make me look bad though

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

very helpful acrossthepond, thanks you!

[however]

Does he still have I declared tax income?

Dob him in for that, for starters.

[however]

Sorry, that was meant to say undeclared income.